Chapter 21 – Lola

His words touch me more than they should. The fact that he’s blown off a party and a girl who’s desperate to sleep with him to hang out with me and my ailing father. I don’t actually know what to say in response to that so I let my lips slide closed. Once Dad is on the bed I take a few moments to tuck him in and to make sure he’s comfortable, which gives me a good distraction for a few moments.

“Do you want me to go?” Brandon asks as soon as I’m ready to speak. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome now that your dad is sleeping.”

“You overstayed it already,” I reply, but there’s a teasing to my tone. He has, I didn’t want him to come in at all, but now that he’s here I’m not sure I want him to leave just yet. There’s still so much that’s been left unsaid and now that all the yelling is done I think I might just want to make sure that it’s said. I don’t know if I’ll be able to settle otherwise. “But it’s fine. I can make us another rancid coffee if you like.”

“Sure, rancid coffee, that would be lovely.” He takes his chair to wait for me. “Thanks.”

I pad across the room quietly enough to not wake Dad, which is silly really because he sleeps like a log once he’s out, and I flick the kettle on to bring it back to life. While I do I consider just how crazy this really is. I know I thought it was just my dumb luck to bump into the one person that I didn’t want to see in the whole city, but now it seems insane. Of all the people here, or all the drug stores to walk into, it’s nuts! I’m not going to start believing in fate like my overly romantic father, but it seems like something must be at play here.

Maybe that magnetism that I noticed at the beginning. It could be that, I suppose. Maybe we’re drawn to one another in a way that’s out of our control. That would just be damn typical of my life. The one person I need to avoid is the one person I can’t seem to get away from. Is this how it’s going to be forever? Just no escape however hard I try?

“The make is nice, by the way,” I rasp as I stare at the off color white wall. “I don’t think I’ve said that before, but it is. It looks like somewhere my mom would love.”

“Oh well, I’m glad.” He sounds a bit nervous as he answers me. Have I made him feel that way? “I just thought it was something that needed doing.”

I nod and bring his drink to him. Then I take the chair opposite and I stare intently at him. It’s strange to be back here, sitting in a room and drinking coffee with him as if it’s normal, as if the last year hasn’t happened at all. It makes me want to take a step back and to examine this for a moment before I delve right in.

“So, this is weird, isn’t it?” He addresses it before I have the chance to. “Who would have thought it? I bet not you. I bet you never wanted to see me again.”

“No, not really.” I might as well be honest. “After the way that you left.”

“Yeah. That was shit of me. Really immature. I’m sorry about it.”

“So why did you do it?” I don’t know if the answer’s what I want, but it’s too late. The question is out there now. My mouth asked it without my brain’s permission. I just hope it knows what’s best for me. “Why did you go?”

He glances down at the steaming cup of liquid in his hands. His whole expression closes off and I think for a moment that he’s going to just blow it off and give me nothing. Maybe it’ll be better that way, maybe the truth won’t set me free after all.

“I chose wrong,” he finally says, stunning me to my core. “I felt like I needed to choose between being with you and my career and I chose wrong. Well, if I’m honest with you it didn’t really feel like a choice at all. Me and you were supposed to only be a fling, we never discussed anything further…”

“I tried to,” I interject. “But you’d already shut off from me by then.”

“I know, I was wrong. I had my dad breathing down my neck telling me that I needed to be better and I suppose it was a pressure that I caved to. It doesn’t justify me leaving in the way that I did, but I hope I can make you see that it was never your fault.”

I gulp down the thick ball of emotion that lodges itself in my throat. It’s too much to deal with right now, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to think. It’s all a bit too much, it’s utterly overwhelming, I can barely process his words. Maybe it’s not because I’m too small town or boring, maybe he didn’t see himself as so much better than me. It might be a cliché, but maybe it was him not me. All this time I’ve been blaming myself and now I don’t think that was right. It was just him, the pressure, and his immaturity.

“Oh right,” I eventually reply. “I see.”

Brandon chuckles as he sees me struggling for words, it must be written all across my face. “I don’t expect you to forgive me, or anything, I guess I’ve just wanted you to know that for the last year. I’ve been thinking about you ever since I left, and wondering what you’d say if I tried to contact you…”

“You never tried though. I know that much.”

“No, I never did. And I’m sorry about that. Sitting here across from you now, it’s easy to think about all the times I should have picked up the phone, but I didn’t, and I regret that greatly. Maybe we could have salvaged something if I had.”

Oh God, I can’t think about salvaging anything. The idea makes me too sickly for words. I’m pretty sure that far too much has happened now, I don’t think we could go back even if we wanted to. I suppose if I really think about it I can feel the chemistry pull still there, but I don’t want to cave to it. I don’t think it’s a good idea.

“So, your dad…” Seeming to sense that he’s gone too far, Brandon rapidly changes the subject. “How is his treatment going?”

“Oh you know… I think it’s good but I’m not sure that he agrees. He’s proud, he’s always been that way. I think he’d just rather act like it isn’t happening.”

“Who is the specialist?”

I pull out the card from the bag and read out the name to him “Doctor Munday. It’s the best person we could afford. She’s very good though. Or at least I think she is.”

“I can pay for better.” His words stun me to the core although I’m not sure why. This is exactly the sort of thing that Brandon does. I don’t want to get sucked in a second time thought because it doesn’t mean he cares. Even his words don’t. He didn’t ever say anything quite so intense the last time we spent time together, but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to instantly trust him now. “I can pay for the best of the best, really get him some help.”

“No I don’t think…” I try to stop him in his tracks, but Brandon’s on a roll.

“Oh I wouldn’t be doing it for you, I’d be doing it for him. He’s a great guy who’s always been good to me and I’d like to do this for him. I’ll get him the best treatment with a private room and I’ll put you up in a hotel nearby.” He holds up his hand to stop me from talking. “I know that you’re already ready to shut me down, but before you do I just want you to think about it. If you say no, it’ll be selfish. It isn’t really your future you are playing with. Don’t you think your dad would like to have something like a quality of life back again?”

“You can’t do that to me,” I exclaim. “That isn’t fair. He’s so proud that he’d probably say no anyway. I don’t know if he’d want to take your money. And we’re fine here. We’re quite settled in the motel to be honest.”

Brandon leans forwards in his chair and he smirks at me. “That’s why you have to be the one who says yes. It’s up to you to give him that chance. Then we can just not tell him what’s really going on. And if you’d rather stay here, just stay here.”

“I think he might notice…”

“Maybe, but it’ll be done then.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Come on, you haven’t worked your ass off to get nowhere, have you?”

Damn it, it’s like he can see right through me. I think I had that exact thought myself. It would be so easy to cave to what he’s offering, to fall for it and let my dad have the best of the best, but then I’ll be stuck spending a lot of time with Brandon, and much as I’m managing to be strong now, I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up for an extended period of time. How is anyone supposed to continually resist such a hard pull? It just isn’t possible.

“I don’t know,” I eventually reply cautiously. “I feel like I already owe you enough. You might never have told me, but I know you paid the bill last time, and I’ve constantly felt guilty that I haven’t been able to pay you back.” Well, apart from the times when I wanted to kill him for being so heartless, but this isn’t the time to bring that up. “I don’t know if I want more hanging over my head.”

“I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to pay me back. That was the whole point of that. I can afford it anyway, what’s the point of having all this money if I can’t do any good with it? This is how I want to spend what I’ve earned.”

He extends his hand for me to shake it, sealing the deal, but I don’t at first. I pause, I rack my brain for any logical reason why I shouldn’t do this, but I just can’t find any. None that aren’t selfish anyway. If I can’t spend a bit of time with this man who maybe isn’t quite the devil I remember him as, for the sake of my dad, then what sort of daughter am I?

“Fine.” I grab his hand and shake it once. “We’ll do this, but if I want to stop at any time, you have to respect my choice without asking questions.”

“I will.” His face breaks into a big, bright smile. “I can promise you that much.”

Just as I’m about to slide my hand away, he yanks me close to him. I fall against his body and allow him to embrace me for just a second. Electricity bursts through my body and all the old memories of him touching me everywhere and making me feel incredible, float to the surface. I slide my eyes closed and just remember, for only a second.

Who would have thought that this is where tonight would end? Me in Brandon Heath-Smith’s arms.

Honestly, if someone would have told me as much, I would have called them insane. Yet here I am, doing just that.

But soon I have to pull away, before I fully mold into him. This is complicated enough, I don’t want to make it a million times worse by adding my feelings back into the mix. Never again, I can’t let myself get hurt a second time. I’ll never survive it.