I PULL MY Mini Cooper into the private grounds of West’s swanky new apartment in the wealthy part of Queens Oak.
“This place is something,” I tell him, when he answers the door. There are bags under his eyes and his hair is uncharacteristically dishevelled. “The neighbourhood is something out of a showroom.”
“Home sweet home.” He looks tired, like he hasn’t slept properly in days. Weeks even.
I pull him into a crushing hug, practically disappearing into him, burying my head into his chest. I take a silent deep breath in, anxious to how he will react to the news.
“You are such a bachelor,” I joke. He smiles, pulling back, and stares at me. “Aren’t you going to let me in? Or am I too rough to be allowed entrance to your new not-so-humble abode?”
“You know the rules. Can’t come in until you give me the password.”
Smiling, I hand him the Tupperware full of home-baked chocolate-chip cookies. “You’re lucky there’s any left to give you. Delphine got drunk last night and nearly ate the whole lot. For someone who’s French, surprisingly, she can’t handle her drink.”
“Much appreciated.”
Toeing off my flats by the shoe rack, West offers me a drink and heads down the hallway, waving a hand behind him as he goes. “Don’t just stand there. Go through and make yourself comfortable.”
The cold white walls and bare wooden floorboards of the apartment make it feel unlived in. The space is soulless as a warehouse. I wander over to a shelf and run my fingertips over the title of a book. It takes a moment to realise it is the gift I gave West on the first birthday we spent together as teenagers. It’s a cheesy M/M romance novel. I notice it is not bruised or battered like the condition of an old book. It is in perfect condition.
He kept it? Why would West keep a gift meant as a joke? Lenic’s words coil around my brain like a snake, so hard, it almost hurts.
‘He’s in love with you…’
An uneasy feeling starts to spread through my stomach. West can’t be in love with me. He can’t. He has always been my doting brother.
Growing up, sex with him never once occurred to me, despite his Armani-model looks. Before West came into my life, the only family I had was Grandpa Joe. Being a child with a crushed heart and a damaged mind made having something, having anything remotely resembling family, more valuable. It was probably why I held on so damn tight to West.
Being sexually intimate with him doesn’t feel natural, doesn’t feel right. But … he hasn’t had a relationship in years, and whenever I mention a potential girlfriend, his body tenses and he changes the subject. And what about how protective he is of me when it comes to the opposite sex? Isn’t that what big brothers are like? Isn’t it their duty to … to get so strangely riled up…?
I shake my head, my pulse racing, staring down at the first gift I gave him in my hands. What if I got it wrong? All this time I thought his girlfriend dying was the reason why he didn’t want to move on and find love with another woman. But what if it is because of me?
“You’re in love with me…?” I whisper under my breath, and then practically jump out of my bones when West drags me out of my disturbing, dark thoughts.
“Promise — read it a thousand times,” West says sarcastically, coming up alongside me. He leans against my arm, taking a peek at the immaculate cover.
“Sure you have.” I glance over at him. “I can’t believe you kept this,” I say softly.
“Why wouldn’t I? It’s the first birthday present you bought me, Flick. So lay off with those sticky fingers of yours.” He snatches it from me and slides it back in its cavity. He hands me my usual vodka and tonic, then raises his glass of ginger beer in salutation. “To new beginnings.”
I wonder if he will make the same cheer when I reveal my new beginning. Something tells me Hell will have to freeze over first.
West orders in a Chinese takeaway before we head to the local pub. Wineglass in hand, I lead him to a round table by a large bay window, off in the corner. It is quiet this end of the pub.
“I…” I begin, then trail off. I have developed a major case of cold feet. I barely touch my drink. “So, are you still seeing Zoe Upton?” I am stalling.
He stares out the window. “I told you — it was a publicity stunt. Barely spoke to her.” I drum my fingers on the table. He watches my fingers in the silence, eyeing me suspiciously. “What’s up? You seem ... twitchy.”
Squirming in the seat, I let out an anxious laugh. “Me? Twitchy? Don’t be silly…”
I am just going to tell him. I turn to him. Then look away. I am going to tell him. I turn to him, then gulp down my wine. Offering me another drink, I hold my glass up and tell him I am fine, watching as he strides to the bar and leans on it while he waits for the barman to notice him.
I should just come out with it. What is the worst that could happen? My brother could tell me he is in love with me and I will be repulsed for the rest of my life. Or, he could go haywire and kill my boyfriend. Either way, I don’t see how the outcome will ever be good. A million scenarios play out in my head. None of the outcomes come out well.
When he comes back with a coffee, I decide I need to spit it out without overthinking it. “I’m in a relationship with Lenic.” He stares at me for a long time. So long that I start to feel like a little kid wilting under the angry gaze of a parent. “Say something,” I murmur.
“End it.” His voice is harsh and abrupt.
Putting my glass down, my tone hardens. “I’m not going to end it. We’re serious about one another. I’ve never felt this way with anyone. You of all people should know what this means for me. I’m in love with him.”
His glare turns to an actual look of fury. “End it now, Felicity.” He looks like he wants to tear a man apart, limb from limb.
Bewildered, I shake my head slowly. “Why?”
He drops his gaze to the table, rubs his forehead. “There’s something I need to tell you. Something I should have told you a long time ago but I was scared it’d change things between us. I thought I could live with it, try and get past it — but not now. Not when you’re with him.”
The clawing unease is back in my gut. Oh my god...
You’re not in love with me. You can’t, West. Don’t do this.
I clutch the table. My heart feels like it is falling right through my stomach. I can’t lose him. He is the only family I have left in this world.
“You’re not…?” Panic strains my voice, the words left unspoken still loud in my brain. I bite down on my bottom lip as I feel dread rising in my chest. I can’t say the words ‘in love with me’ without wanting to hurl the contents of my stomach. I can’t force my tongue and lips to say it. Asking my self-adoptive brother if he is in love with me is the sickest thing I have ever had to do.
“You asked me recently if it bothered me that they never caught the bastards who attacked me…” I hear him suck in a shaky breath, staring into his coffee, avoiding my gaze.
“I don’t understand. What does this have to do with me being in love with Lenic?”
He lowers his voice. “I lied. I know who did it.”
My mind fumbles around in the dark for a few seconds before a chilling realisation dawns. A shadow falls across the table, and the air turns cold as I absorb the implications of West’s revelation. I give him a moment until I can't take the thick air suffocating me.
“Who?” My heart stops, literally stops in my chest. There is only one way this conversation is going to end. My eyes pleading, I look to West, my brain trying to unscramble all the thoughts flooding through it. “Tell me — who?” My hands are shaking as he finally meets my stare.
“Lenic.”
My chest tightens, and it is hard to breathe all of a sudden as the name cuts through my chest like a hot blade.
“What?” I whisper, though I can barely hear the sound of my own voice, passed the sound of my heart pounding in my ears. I feel like all the oxygen has been sucked out of my lungs all at once.
“Lenic’s the one who put me in hospital.”