I DON’T REMEMBER much about the car journey home. I remember vaguely getting into my car and turning on the engine, but after that … my mind’s a blank. All I can remember is thinking: thinking about Lenic; thinking about the man I love attacking West; thinking about what I am going to do…
Thinking myself into the darkest corner.
And the next thing I know, I am parked up beside Lenic’s car, my hands gripping the steering wheel hard enough I wonder how it hasn’t crumbled into dust.
A thick fog seems to blanket the sea and a gloomy dark sky looms overhead despite the suffocating humidity. It’s like the sheer majesty of the place has become invisible by tragedy. I look down at my bracelet. It’s no longer a lone reminder of my parents’ love. It’s a reminder of Lenic giving me back something I thought was once lost.
I slowly get out of the car, and walk silently towards the darkened boat on autopilot. My heart is tearing itself apart, and, worst of all, a little voice keeps scraping at the back of my skull.
How can you possibly stay with him now?
I argue with the voice that Lenic isn’t the kind of man capable of acting so monstrous. I just hope I am right in how I feel about him.
He is not a heartless monster.
He simply isn’t.
I don’t have to believe West, and I have no evidence to prove he is telling the truth. But I can’t deny the sincerity I saw in his eyes. He wasn’t lying. I trust West as much as I trust … Lenic.
I am torn.
The door to the boat home is unlocked and opens easily in my hand. It is one of Lenic’s shortfalls; it is one of the many things I love about him. I wonder briefly if this will be the last time I open the door to him.
With my eyes squeezed shut, I push it open, rooted to the spot inside for a brief moment, steadying my nerves. The wind catches the door and slams it shut behind me. I flinch. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand as I walk down the steps that lead to his living space.
This can't be true, I repeat this over and over until I think I will never say or think anything else again. I nearly lose my nerve in the darkness of the living room, even start to retreat, but I muster up the courage to keep going onwards.
I need answers.
Taking one last deep breath, I cross the living room and bump into the sofa chair. The memory of searching frantically for my embarrassing underwear, and Lenic snatching them up first is one of my fondest memories of us together.
I amble over to his bedroom. Warm memories of the time I woke him up with a glass of water bombard my aching mind, and my heart sinks into my stomach. So many happy memories … Will I ever get the chance to create more with him again?
With trembling hands, I push open his door and find him out of his bed looking dishevelled, a baseball bat in hand. He flicks on the glaring light of the bedside lamp.
“Heard the door slam,” he mumbles, his voice thick with sleep. When he smiles, I almost forget why I am here. He looks so handsome, so beautiful. “Thought there was an intruder.” Grinding a fist against one eye socket, he asks, “What’re you doing here at this hour?” I remain quiet. “What? No joke about me keeping the door unlocked and asking for it?”
I am still, unable to speak. He looks me over. “Thought you were staying over?” he continues, padding over to me. “Not that I’m complaining. Is this some kind of kinky midnight booty call—?” I flinch from his touch and jerk away, taking a step back. It is a clear moment of rejection. “You OK?” he asks, trying once again to wrap his arms around my waist.
What 'was' and what 'is' are warring in my head, not to mention the push and pull of a myriad of emotions that are beginning to feel a lot like quicksand, and me without a rope.
There are no words I can say to make this better, but I know I should say something. I don't hate you. I want to save you. Maybe even somewhere in there, something about how we are totally messed up in whatever this relationship is, whether love or something damn like it, but right now, it feels like all we have are lies and deception.
My throat tightens even more before I start to speak, as though there is a noose being drawn around it, my heart beating a million miles per hour.
“Who are you, Lenic?” My words, my anguish-filled gaze, hold him back, and all at once his cheer is gone, replaced with dread. “Who are you?”
I expect silence, no response, but it’s like he has been waiting a lifetime for this moment to come. “He told you…” He whispers it as though he’s afraid he will be overheard, and it will come true. But it has come true.
“He told me,” I repeat quietly. “He told me you were the one who attacked him and put him in hospital.” He watches me wordlessly, like he knows he deserves punishment, but there is a defiance there too, a look that says there is a reason behind his crime.
“Is it true?” My words come out desperate, strangled, almost a cry.
I feel more words cling to the back of my throat and feel somewhere that this is a betrayal, that I should have faith in Lenic; that he would always know the line.
I look at him with a million different emotions in my eyes — the most apparent is disappointment. But there is hope in them too. Hope that he will do and say the right thing. And fix this.
The tension in the room could be cut with a knife. Seconds pass as the two of us just stare at each other with conflicting emotions, words escaping the both of us. I want to scream. Yell. Beg him to make this all go away.
A flash of emotion passes through his eyes as he struggles with his answer. With a furtive look in his gaze, he turns his back on me, lowering his head. “Yes.” It feels like someone is reaching inside my chest and is squeezing every drop of blood out of my heart.
They say love gives you instinct, a window through another’s soul. Something innate — something compels me to give him a chance, to not condemn him as a monster.
I watch his reflection in the window. The raindrops dot the windowpane, looking like liquid silver. “You must have known I’d find out eventually. Deep down, you must have known this day would come.”
He turns around and looks at me with heavy eyes. “I did … After the fundraiser I tried to do what was best for you but I couldn’t stay away. And now I’ve fucked everything up.” His voice rises an octave. “All I wanted was you. I didn’t give a damn about the consequences — I wasn’t thinking.”
Damn the consequences?
I urge myself to leave, to leave him and be done with him. Forget his very existence, his imprint on my heart. But I remain where I am. I love him. It is not easy when love is involved. It is not easy to break the bonds of love.
“Damn the consequences? Damn you tearing me apart after everything? After giving you everything I have. After giving you my heart just so you could crush it!”
“I didn’t want you gone!” he roars, crossing the room like a tempest.
A shudder goes through my entire body, and I feel my heart constrict hard in my chest. He lets out a long, tremulous sigh and rubs shaky hands over his grizzled chin. There are a lot of unspoken words in that breath. A mouthful of should-haves and didn't-dos. I've had plenty of my own.
His gaze moves to mine, and it's clear as day to read the panic in his eyes. “You gave me back my life, Felicity. I know it was selfish and I’m sorry — I’m sorry.”
“Do you have any idea what you put West through? What you put me through back then? I thought I was going to lose him — you nearly killed him! And all this time … all this time it was you. You were the one. You were the one who put me through hell.” I move my head from side to side, anguished beyond reason. “Monster. I remember thinking: what kind of person could do that to another human being…?” I look up at him. “Only a monster.”
He closes the distance between us, his footsteps echoing loud against the silence of the room and the darkness of it, giving warning. His stare forces my gaze to never break his.
“I’m in love with you, Felicity. I love you with every ounce of my fucked up heart.” I feel every word get a strangle hold on my heart as he gently cups his hand on the side of my face, his thumb lovingly stroking my chin, caressing all that he holds. How can the best moment of my life also be the worst? “I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t in love with you.” He looks at me in a way that only seems to get deeper and darker. “And I’ll keep on loving you. I won’t let a single damn thing change that.”
I am silent, so silent and so … fixedly terrified of what I already know. I know this is love. Because only love can drive us both this crazy. Only love can be this much of a mindfuck. Only love can hurt this much.
It is love — just our own twisted and badly created version.
As messed up as it is, I will never get away from the fact that I love him. I tried denying it plenty of times to myself. I’ve never admitted it out loud to Lenic, not even in those moments when we were inseparable and it was like a drug to be touched by calloused fingers, and it was the only time I felt anything real, and that meant everything in the fucked up history that is my life. And I hate Lenic from the deepest part of my soul for making me love him. And I hate myself more for falling in love with a man that things will never be simple with.
It is as if the air gets thick, or disappears altogether, and it feels like I have to work to breathe. But Lenic does something more painful than the bliss of death and blackness. I feel lips, warm and chapped against my own.
Burying his hands in my hair, his lips press against mine, his tongue roving my mouth desperately, like he is trying to get some reaction, some tiny assurance that he hasn’t lost me yet, that there is something here worth saving.
I freeze completely under his searching kiss. I can’t meet those lips, can’t let myself feel, or fuck if that dam won’t break and I would be bereft in an ocean of sorrow I don’t think I can hold back any longer. And I tremble under his force. I find my hands clinging to his body with a desperation that surprises me. And then, I finally give myself over to him.
My heart, my undeniable emotions, sear through me like a hot knife tearing at every piece of me, twisting my gut in agony. The guilt gnaws away inside, but I would rather fester in torment than reject his touch.
His kiss quickly becomes more aggressive and I fall into it, unable to fight it, unable to deny it. He tilts his head in the other direction and deepens the kiss again, like trying to get all that he can, here and now, and I start to wonder if this is a kiss goodbye.
It seems to take time, but I start to block out my emotions and refocus. Lenic doesn’t want that, doesn’t allow us to break apart. When I separate our lips, he maintains contact, our foreheads touching, and our breath felt across each other's face.
“You’re the only thing that matters to me … don’t go,” he whispers, his voice barely audible. It is pleading, something like a prayer. “You’re everything.”
The feeling of desolation and hopelessness slams through me, and it is more than I can bear. I feel like I am on death row.
His hands tenderly move down my body, down my sides, and the sensation of those protective hands on me make my heart pound. He buries his fingers into my waist, hanging on to me like a lifeline.
The intensity of his gaze is unlike it has ever been any other time. His eyes scream, ‘Don't hurt me. Don't break my heart.’
He is waiting for me to say I love him too. I want to say it — God, I want to … but I can’t. It doesn’t feel right in this moment. I see the panic and fear in his eyes. I can see my reaction is already torture for him.
My heart squeezes, as if those poison ivy vines have finally reached my heart.
It hurts.
Love hurts.
Why does it have to feel like this?
“No matter what…” He presses his lips to mine for a long moment before pulling away ever so slightly, so that his voice is merely a whisper against my lips. “…I don’t want to lose you too.” His hand strokes my cheek lovingly, and I clench my teeth together hard, fighting that touch with every damn piece of me I have to fight with. “I can’t give you up, Felicity. I’m not capable of giving you up.”
I can’t speak. I am shaking so much inside that the words won’t come out. Lenic is silent, too. His breaths tremble with mine in the airless room.
On the edge of reality, something snaps in me and I finally push away from him, getting air to breathe. It feels unnatural pushing him away. Like I am going against nature.
“If you felt this way about me, why didn’t you tell me the truth?”
“Because I was scared. I was scared you wouldn’t give me a chance — give us a chance.”
“I deserved to know.”
“You did.” He shakes his head, repentant. “But you would have run for the hills.” Perhaps he is right. The romance would have died long before it had time to blossom. He lowers his eyes. “I hate myself every fucking day for what I did to him. I knew I’d gone too far, lost control. It’s why I quit the Royal Marines … I didn’t want to. It was my whole damn life, the only part of my life I still had, still loved. It was everything … But I had to leave. I had to leave everyone. I didn’t deserve to be a part of my old life anymore. I didn’t deserve any kind of happiness.”
He just shakes his head sadly and suddenly I am torn by the wish that Lenic would come and embrace me and wrap his body around me and tell me it will be OK … and the pitiful desire to have made the opposite decision and be as far away from Lenic as possible is killing me slowly inside.
He sighs heavily before turning those sorrowful eyes back on me. “I didn’t deserve to meet someone like you. But there you were.” He smiles wanly. “I tried to stay away but I couldn’t help myself. I went ahead. I fell in love with you. I guess I wanted to become the man who was worthy of you.”
“You lied, Lenic.”
“I never lied. I just didn’t tell you the truth.”
“Don’t you dare. An omission of truth is still a lie. Everything was built on a lie.”
He grimaces, as if my words cut open his heart. “Not everything. Not the way I feel about you. I’ll fight for you again if that’s what it takes.”
“And that is your answer to everything? Violence is the answer, right? You can only solve matters with your hands and not your head?”
He just looks at me. “I deserve punishment; I deserve the world to hate me. I’ll take anything but losing you. Just tell me what I have to do to keep you and I’ll do it.” His voice screams, begs. His eyes — his heart — it is all breaking. I can see it all there in his eyes. I feel like my chest is moments away from collapsing.
“I never wanted you hurt — you have to believe that.” He shakes his head vigorously. “I’ve hurt the only person I give a shit about in this whole goddamn world. I’ll never forgive myself for this but I didn’t want to lose the one good thing, the one right thing I had in my life because of one stupid mistake I made.” Although I’m beginning to understand it in a distant way, through the lens of my own bent emotions, I understand it must have hurt Lenic to lie to me. “I wasn’t thinking three years ago. Jesus Christ, after what he did, I wasn’t thinking. All I could feel was anger.”
After what he did?
“What the hell did West do to deserve what you did to him?” My voice is still loud, still full of rage, despite not feeling half of the emotion inside anymore. I don’t know what I’m feeling.
He is silent for a minute, his eyes unfocussed and confused, until he flicks them back to mine. Those hands of his that always hold on lovingly to mine — are curled into fists by his side. Those lips of his that always beg me to kiss them — are pursed. And those eyes of his that always smile when he sees me — are now set in stone.
“He didn’t tell you?” he asks, each word drawn out slowly.
“No...”
I watch as a multitude of emotions flash behind his stormy eyes. He becomes visibly angry, cupping his palms over his face, rubbing hard. I can practically feel the deep breaths he is drawing in, like something is shifting inside of him, as if he is calming down the raging monster inside him.
Pulling on his jeans, he tells me he needs air. I follow him up onto the deck of the boat. It is still lightly drizzling with rain and I hear thunder boom in the distance.
I watch him walk over to the far side and grip the boat rail, staring straight ahead across the sea. I take a step forwards but stop, leaving distance, not sure, not knowing whether I should go to him and not knowing what I should say. It is like approaching a dangerous animal, walking straight towards it and giving it a chance to rip out my heart.
But I am unsure if I could live in a world without that slight quirk of lips that is a smile, those dark eyes I could drown in, a world without calloused hands and a scarred body. A world that Lenic doesn’t exist in.
Moments pass as I look at the outline of his shoulder blades in the half moonlight, the movement of his body as though catching his breath. It takes a level of restraint to not reach out and wrap him up in my arms. He is so beautiful that my heartbeat stutters.
The silence is painful, unbearable. Taking a breath, I close my eyes and will my heart to slow. It was easier when we were just messing around. No emotional strings to tie us together. Now it means something. Now we are in too deep.
I steel myself and move towards him. “Lenic … what’s going on?” I prompt softly. “I kept thinking you just needed a little time…” My voice is quiet in the empty dark space, as though I am trying to calm an angry beast. I reach out a hand and touch his forearm, heart thudding wildly.
He turns to me, his gaze holding mine, still with that same guarded expression in his eyes. “Please tell me what’s—” Emotion tightens my throat and I falter. “Nothing in my mind makes sense.” He glances away, his jaw stiffening, staring straight ahead, his teeth worrying at the corner of his lips. I can’t end things here and take the chance of never finding out what drove him to do it.
I have to get him to talk, get him out of this rotting hole he is stuck in and bring him back. Back to a place where he can share his heart openly and I can wrap him so tightly inside of me, because if he refuses, if he gives me no choice to end us here, he will break my heart, and Lenic could never… I refuse to wonder over whether Lenic would willingly break my heart or not. I don’t doubt Lenic. I will never doubt him.
The small voice inside me knows the truth though. It isn’t that I don’t doubt him; it isn’t that I wouldn't either. It’s that I can’t. I can’t, because if I doubt Lenic then the illusion will be shattered. Then I might as well live this life alone, because if Lenic, the man who showed me how to love, the man who taught me how to open my heart is willing to do that to me … then my understanding of everything I’ve come to know and love … it all means the whole goddamned world would be a lie.
“What happened?”
He swallows hard, like it hurts to talk, hurts to look at me. A battle wars inside his head and it’s like he is refusing to allow me to fight alongside him.
I meet his eyes and God, it hurts to look into them, to see the pain behind them. “What’re you keeping from me?” My voice is gentle, but my countenance is strong, unyielding to let this go any longer. I. Want. In. I refuse to stop at this wall. I refuse to give up on us without a fight.
His head angles down, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down again. His head jerks to the opposite side, still not daring to look me in the eye. He is afraid. For the first time, he is afraid. It is almost as if saying it out loud will kill him.
His head starts to shake faintly, like he is fighting back from surrendering. But this is me. He shouldn’t be fighting me. I am on his side.
Aren’t I?
A lump in my throat chokes me as I feel the cracks forming between us, and a soft gasp of pain escapes my lips.
I am losing him.
He turns his head to look at me. Lenic is torn and I ache for him as if his pain is my own. As if being aware of this, he shifts his feet and glances off to the side again. His mouth opens and closes, but he is so torn up, he can’t tell me what I need to know. It feels like a lead anvil sits in my stomach, and I count the seconds of heavy silence before he lets out a deep breath.
“Burying it won’t keep you safe and hidden from the ghosts of your past.”
He fixes me with the full weight of his stare. “Don’t.” His mouth turns down at the edges, his eyes dark with hate, warning me to back off. But his eyes betray him. He wants to break down that wall but doesn't know the means to do it. I realise then, I was wrong. All this time I was waiting for him. But it is down to me.
Some secrets are meant to be broken.
Before they break us.
I let out a breath and a nervous smile escapes. I am so close. I am so close to reaching him, but so near to breaking us. I shake my head, nerves rattling me. The silent plea in his gaze does nothing to discourage my further questioning.
My mouth is bone dry but I ensure my voice is strong. “No secrets or half truths. Or I walk away,” I say patiently, though my tone suggests my patience is not boundless. “What — what's got you so torn up about what happened? Lenic, what happened with you and West? What did he do? Did he take something from you? Did he hurt someone you care about? What—”
“Don’t.” His eyes are defensive slits and his breathing becomes more ragged and louder in the quiet. “Don’t push me.” His eyes grow dark with a threat that is never aimed in my direction, but because I have been expecting it, I don’t flinch.
The wind increases and howls around us. I continue, undeterred. “What’s got you torn up inside?”
“Don’t make me say it.” He looks up from his hands, fury colours his face, his lips drawn in a thin line, his eyes full of contempt. But there is no longer a push behind his words.
He closes his eyes in frustration, his breathing heavy with each rise and fall of his chest. I am bombarding him, but anger rises in me, and I am short on patience. A soft approach is useless.
I want answers.
“It’s all or nothing, Lenic. Either tell me or it is over between us. What happened between you and West? Why did you put him in hospital?”
Silence greets my questioning and my heart sinks. Desperate not to lose the love of my life, I snarl, “Answer me, damn it! Or I swear on my life, I never want to have anything to do with you again.”
I don’t want those to be the last words I ever say to him, and I feel my heart wither at the thought. Every moment, every tender moment shared between us reduced to dust with those smouldering dark eyes of his glowering at me. My own eyes beg him for the answer I want to hear, not the answer he finally gives me.
“He killed my sister!” he roars, each syllable sounding as if they rip his throat to shreds. “Is that a good enough reason?” The wind howls fiercely, but it is only Lenic’s voice I can feel rumble in my chest.
My heart hammers so loud in my ears that I can't think. “Wh-What … what did you say?” I need him to repeat it because surely I misheard him?
His breaths are uneven, wild, his eyes glazed. He is silent for a long time before speaking up again. His voice is so quiet that I nearly miss it before it is swept away in the wind. “He killed my baby sister.” The words pour out like it is his last dying breath, and the world stops spinning.
I take a step back, the wind taken right out of my sails. I start to feel dizzy, the dark getting darker, and feel like I have been pulled under the violent waves of the sea. But this time … this time there is no one to save me.
I have never felt so alone in my life. West and Lenic were like two bright shining stars in my world, two dots of light I looked up to.
Now those lights have gone out.
I should have been careful for what I wished for, because digging up old secrets has come at a price. I finally unlocked the secret he was keeping. But rather than bringing us closer together, it is going to pull us apart.
It is only a matter of time.