Five
A few hours later, I was in bed thinking about how my life had just completely been thrown off track. I hadn’t planned on seeing Fiona again. Maybe ever. And I would have thought that if I did see her again, I would have had some prep beforehand. That I’d get some time to think about what I’d say.
That didn’t happen and now I was reeling.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how incredibly beautiful she was. Had she always been that pretty? I remember the days in high school that I used to stare at her face and wonder how she was real. How she was mine.
She wasn’t mine anymore. Before my thoughts could traipse off in a fantasy-like destination, I had to remind myself that we had broken up. Our relationship was over. Done. All we could hope for now was to have a civil relationship, and, maybe someday, a friendship.
Maybe not. Friendships were tricky for me. I had a hard time drawing the line with what was friendship and what was something more. I didn’t want to fall right back into being more than friends with Fiona.
*^*^*
“Wow, rough night?” Anna said the next morning when I stumbled out of the studio to get some coffee. I’d given up on sleep, and she had to get ready for work. Lacey would be here soon, and I was stressing. But I needed caffeine to actually function today. I wanted to clean everything up and make sure I was being as unobtrusive as possible when she got back.
“Not in the way you think. She left not long after you went to bed. Things are just . . .” I trailed of, holding my hands out.
“Yup, sounds about right. Seeing your ex again when you’re not prepared can be the worst.” She made a face and shuddered.
Exactly.
I was about to say something else, but she swore and chugged what was in her coffee cup.
“If I don’t go right now, I’m going to be late for the library.” Anna and her jobs. I waved goodbye and then I was alone. After I slumped on the kitchen table for a while, I made myself a lazy breakfast of leftover croissants from the bakery and two cups of strong coffee. That made me feel marginally better.
Realizing I hadn’t showered in a while, I got up and went to the bathroom, pulling my shower things out from where I’d hidden them under the sink.
I belted out a few showtunes and then realized I’d forgotten to bring a change of clothes with me. Whatever. I bundled my other clothes under my arm and walked out of the bathroom in just a towel.
There was someone at the kitchen table and I screamed.
“Holy shit, you gave me a heart attack,” I said, clutching the towel and glad I hadn’t dropped it.
“You must be Serena,” she said, getting up. I’d seen enough pictures to know this was Lacey. What a way to meet your cousin’s girlfriend (and the person whose house you’re living in) for the first time.
“Uh, yeah. You must be Lacey.” She was just as I’d expected her to be. Tall, rocking a loose tank, and with her dark hair in the most perfect messy ponytail, with aviators perched on top of her head. She was just . . . cool. Way cooler than I’d ever be, or could ever hope to be.
She smiled and I could objectively see why Anna had fallen for her.
“Um,” I said, feeling slightly underdressed.
Lacey blinked.
“Right, why don’t you change and I’ll, um, stop being weird.” I laughed a little and went into the studio, making sure the door was shut. Not that I thought Lacey would want to see me naked, but I didn’t want to take any chances. As quick as I could, I slipped on a pair of jean shorts, a tank, and put my hair up in a messy bun that dripped down the back of my neck. I didn’t mind, since it was a hot day.
“Hi,” I said, poking my head out and finding Lacey still sitting at the table, but this time she had a glass of iced tea in front of her.
“Want one?” she asked, holding up the pitcher. There was another glass.
“Yeah, sure,” I said. Why the hell not.
“Thank you so much for letting me stay here. I’ll never be able to tell you how much it means to me,” I said, but she waved that off after pouring me a glass of iced tea. A few lemon slices landed in my glass, but I didn’t care.
“Don’t even worry about it. Anna adores you and you’re part of her family so that makes you part of my family by extension.” I hoped she didn’t see my face getting red, because it definitely was. I didn’t really like the fact that someone I’d just met had agreed to let me live with her when my own parents couldn’t respect my queerness. It was fucked up and Lacey being so nice to me reminded me how fucked up it was.
“Still. Thanks,” I said, sipping my iced tea, not even flinching about how cold the ice was against my teeth.
“Don’t even worry about it. I’m sure once Anna and I get an actual house, it will become some sort of queer inn.” I laughed a little at that.
“That would be awesome.”
Lacey grinned. “I know, right?” Murder slinked out of the studio and gave Lacey a glare.
“Oh, I see how it is. You’re mad that I left you.” I swore he nodded and then came over to jump on her lap. “You little bastard,” she said fondly, giving him a kiss on the top of his head.
“So, what do you have planned today?” I asked her.
“Basically, I’m going to unpack some of my shit and crash, if that’s okay with you. I might wake up around dinnertime, though.” She yawned and shook her head. “Fuck, all this traveling is getting old.” I knew Anna didn’t like it, but I understood why she had to do it for work.
“Do you enjoy it?”
She yawned again and I realized I should probably let her get some sleep.
“Yeah, I really do. But it’s so nice now to have a home base. And a beautiful girl to come home to.” Murder looked up at her and rubbed his head against her chin.
“Yes, and you too,” she said. I put the iced tea back in the fridge and she shuffled off to the bedroom.
Huh. A whole day to myself. I hadn’t had one of those in a long time. What ever was I going to do with all this time?
*^*^*
I was bad at having free time. I’d scanned through Anna’s bookshelves and started and discarded about ten books that hadn’t been able to capture my interest. To be fair to the books, my mind wouldn’t stop wandering to a certain girl named Fiona. What was she doing today?
After running through a dozen TV shows and movies, I finally grabbed my phone and sent a text as Murder nuzzled at my feet on the couch.
What’s up?
It was innocuous enough. I could get away with saying that, couldn’t I?
She answered only two minutes later.
Not a whole lot. Stuck at the house. You?
Sounded like she didn’t have anything going on. Could I hang out with her again? Could I handle that?
Day off. Bored. Want to hang out?
I also wanted to give Lacey some space to decompress and have her home back since she’d been away. It felt like the right thing to do.
Yeah! I can pick you up in 10?
Sounded good to me. I sent back that I’d be ready and then dashed around to make myself more presentable. I even looked in the mirror to see if I wanted to put on mascara, but decided against it.
What was I doing? I didn’t need to impress Fiona. She had literally seen me at my absolute worst before. This wasn’t a date and I wasn’t trying to woo her.
I had to get a grip.
There was a knock at the door and I flung it open before the sound could wake Lacey. I heard soft music coming from her room though, so maybe it wasn’t a big deal.
“Hey,” I said, drinking her in. She had on a long sundress and large sunglasses that would have looked downright ridiculous on anyone else, but they looked gorgeous on her.
“Hey,” she said, putting the sunglasses on her head. “What do you want to do?”
“Well, Lacey just got back and I thought we could go out and give her some space. I still feel awkward about being here.” She nodded and leaned down to pet Murder as I grabbed my bag and put it over my shoulder.
“We could take a walk or something. Someplace shady. Or get some lunch?” It was about that time and my breakfast hadn’t been very substantial.
“Sure,” I said, shoving Murder back inside and locking the door.
*^*^*
We ended up on a little nature trail just outside of the town limits. It was the kind of trail people walked their dogs on and had picnics at the end in a little clearing, set up with picnic tables and a swing set.
“What’s your major?” I asked, which was such a bad question. I cringed to myself, but she didn’t seem to notice.
“Uh, right now? I’m not sure. I’m declared as a business major, but that’s not what I want to do. My parents made that decision for me.” Ouch. At least I didn’t have to deal with that.
“What do you want to be doing instead?”
“Psychology,” she said immediately. “I want to be a therapist and work with queer kids. I want to help them. I want to be someone they can trust.” Well if that didn’t break my fucking heart I didn’t know what would.
“Be the person that I didn’t have growing up,” she said more quietly.
“That’s amazing,” I said, totally meaning it.
“Really?”
“Yeah, it is.” A warm feeling had settled in my chest and I was trying to ignore it and failing. I was thinking too much about how things had been when we were together. I’d just seen her for the first time in years yesterday and now I was completely caving and picturing having a full- blown relationship with her again. As if that was even possible. We were both off at different schools and had different lives and there was no way it could work, even if it was a good idea. Which it wasn’t. Not even close to a good idea.
I realized I was staring at her and forced myself to look back at the trail so I didn’t trip.
“What do you want to do?”
I told her my vague plans of working in publishing. “I don’t really know. And my parents are still up my butt for being an English major. But at least they didn’t set limits on what I could study.” I gave her a sympathetic look and she smiled sadly.
“Things have changed a lot, but then they haven’t at the same time,” she said and damn, wasn’t that the truth?
“Some things don’t change,” I said and our eyes snagged. Of course, I tripped over a root in the path and she grabbed my arm so I didn’t fall.
“Sorry,” I said, even though I wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for.
“It’s fine,” she said, a little breathless. I was leaning on her and I needed to get my legs to work on their own again, but all I could see were her gorgeous eyes and the way her hair framed her face.
I coughed and then moved away from her. It took me a minute to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other. Walking, yeah. I could walk. I apparently wasn’t the only one having trouble. Fiona reached up and tucked her hair behind her ears. She’d always complained about her ears and thought they were too big. I thought they were adorable. Still were.
We walked in silence until we made it to the little clearing and sat down on one of the picnic tables. We’d timed it right and were the only ones here. I was relieved, I didn’t like people watching us. It felt invasive, even if it was well-intentioned.
“What are you going to do with yourself this summer?” I asked, leaning back into a cool patch of shade.
“I’m not sure yet. Probably get a temporary job. I can pick apples or something. I’ve done that before.” We were both lucky because the towns we lived in were dominated by summer-only industries so jobs for us were easy to come by.
“That would be cool. You’d be outside all the time.” She nodded and then laid out on the top of the picnic table.
“You’re probably laying in bird poop,” I pointed out. She cringed and sat up, trying to crane around and see if there was any on her back.
“Ewww,” she said, and I burst out laughing.
“You’re fine. I was just saying ‘probably.’” Fiona glared at me and I just laughed harder.
It was so easy to laugh with her. So easy to fall back into patterns of behavior that we’d had for years. Like no time had passed. Like just yesterday she was telling me that she loved me. I said it back, for the first time. For the first and only time I’ve said it to someone other than family. And it felt like the first time I’d meant it. I’d meant it so hard that I’d felt like crying.
“What are you thinking about?” she said, and I realized I’d zoned out and stopped laughing.
“The past,” I said without thinking.
“Our past?” What else?
I nodded.
She pressed her lips together and looked away. As if it hurt to look at me.
“I really fucked up a good thing, didn’t I?” she said quietly, looking at her hands and then dusting them off on her dress.
“We were young,” I said. We had been. We still were. I definitely didn’t think I knew what the fuck I was doing.
“Do you have any regrets?” she asked. I had to think about that one.
“Yeah, I really regret those awful highlights I had sophomore year,” I said.
“You know what I mean,” she said, pushing my shoulder. I knew what she meant. I just didn’t know if I could talk about it right now.
“I do. But I’m still trying to catch up with the fact that you’re here. Can we just . . . not talk about the past for a little while?” She looked as if I’d slapped her.
“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry. Of course, of course.” I wasn’t that upset, but I also didn’t want to revisit everything again today.
“We could . . . start over? Sort of?” she suggested. I raised one eyebrow.
“And how would that work?” You couldn’t start over when you knew exactly how someone else brushed their teeth and what kind of eggs they ate in the morning and how they liked their coffee. You couldn’t ignore or deny those things. It was like muscle memory. Relationship memory.
She grinned and my heart rolled over a bit. Not quite a flip, but definitely a little roll. I was going to have to be careful. So careful.
“Hi, I’m Fiona Davis, nice to meet you.” Oh, really? This was what we were doing?
“Uh, I’m Serena Nolan?” She stuck her hand out and we shook, and I pulled away quickly. I didn’t want to touch her too much. It made me want to touch her more.
I shook my head and smiled a little.
“So, Fiona, what brings you out here to this park that I am also in?” She smacked my shoulder again.
“I’m serious. We’ve lived a few years apart from each other. We’re new people, in a way.” And we were the same people, too, but I wanted to humor her. Also a problem.
I asked her what her major was, again. I asked her what brought her to town. I asked her what she liked about college, which opened her up to telling me more about her roommate and her classes and how jarring going from your parent’s house to a college dorm could be.
“And my mom still expects me to tell her where I’m going to be? Like, I’m hours away and I have to text her and say that I’m going to the store. It’s ridiculous.” Wow, I knew her parents were controlling, but apparently they’d gotten worse since Fi had gone to school.
“Did she put a tracker on you?” I asked and she rolled her eyes.
“Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past her. I, um, haven’t told her that we’re hanging out.” Well, crap. That was just great.
“Did you lie to them, or did you just not tell them where you were going to be?” She shrugged one shoulder.
“I told them I was going out for a walk and just didn’t say that I was going for a walk with someone else. Okay, now I’m regretting bringing this up.” She pulled her knees up and rested her chin on them.
“Sometimes I think about just putting everything in my car and driving somewhere new. Just cutting all ties and becoming someone else. Like Witness Protection, but without running from people who were trying to kill me and all.”
“Yeah, that part wouldn’t be so fun. But I get that. Wanting to go somewhere new. Being here with Anna kind of feels new, but it feels safe at the same time. It’s nice being here. Being able to do my own thing. And being at the café.” The café was a safe haven for more people than Jen and Sal would ever know about. They’d created something that was going to help so many people. It made me want to cry sometimes, thinking about it.
“We can talk about something else,” I said, and started talking about my own college experience, shying away from anything related to parents. She laughed at my stories and very soon I realized that I was hungry. Her stomach gave a loud growl and we both laughed.
“Want to go get something to eat? I bet I can get a couple of chocolate croissants at the café.” I knew how much she loved chocolate.
“Oh my god, that sounds amazing,” she said, rubbing her belly and hopping off the picnic table.
I almost held my hand out to her to link our fingers together, but stopped myself before I could. Shit. I was falling into patterns and I had to be on my guard or else I was just going to lean over and kiss her like it was nothing.
I had to be more vigilant.