Three
We ended up at our old high school, which wasn’t far from the café. I sat down on a bench near the track and she sat next to me. The night was steamy and warm. No doubt in a few hours the temperature would drop and I’d be shivering on the couch at Anna’s apartment. Maine weather was fun like that.
I looked over at Fiona and I could tell she wasn’t thinking about the weather. Her eyes were far away, maybe lost in memories. Shit, now I was too. I turned and looked at the bleachers. The same bleachers we’d made out under years ago.
“We were young, weren’t we?” she said quietly.
“Yeah, we were.” We still were. I honestly didn’t feel like an adult yet. I was still waiting for confidence and certainty.
“I loved you, you know that, right? I really, really did.” I knew. I’d loved her too. A part of me still did.
“Then why did you end it?” I asked. This was what we were here for. To dredge up the old so we could get it all out in the open and move on.
She sighed and then I saw silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t brush them away.
“So many reasons that don’t seem nearly as important as they did back then. I was scared and worried and questioning everything and I knew we were going away to college and I just didn’t see how we could make it work. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you enough. It was that I let other things get in the way. And I wrecked the best thing that ever happened to me.” Fiona sniffed and looked down at her folded hands.
“I’m sorry, too. I made mistakes. This isn’t all on you.” And it wasn’t. We’d fought about petty things and I’d made careless comments. We’d both been young and it was the first relationship for us both. I didn’t know how to have a girlfriend and she hadn’t either. But there had been good moments too. Really good moments.
“If I could go back in time, I would have fought for you. For us. I wouldn’t have let all that other bullshit make me afraid.” She finally turned to me and leaned closer.
“I miss you so much, Cricket. I think about you every day. Sometimes it feels like you’re just waiting in the next room. I expect you to walk in and smile at me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.” I swallowed around a lump in my throat. Tears were threatening to fall and I didn’t want to let them. I shut off a lot of things after the breakup because I didn’t want to leave myself that vulnerable again.
“I miss you, too,” I said, nearly choking on the words. She leaned over and put her head on my shoulder. Just that touch and I’m thrown back into high school when we used to drive around and sing to the radio. When we used to get soft serve cones; chocolate for her and vanilla for me. When we used to kiss in the backseat of her car and get our legs all tangled up.
“I had this weird feeling I was going to see you today,” she said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I had a dream about you last night. That usually means I’m going to see someone. When I dream about them.” Fiona was a big believer in dreams and astrology and that kind of thing. I wasn’t so sure. I was more practical, I guess. I wasn’t as much of a dreamer as she was.
“What kind of dream was it?” I asked, scooting a tiny bit closer to her so our legs were touching.
“You were just . . . there. Standing beside me. Wearing this beautiful white dress that floated around.” I snorted. I couldn’t imagine myself wearing a gauzy white dress. Currently I had on ripped jeans, an old tank, and Chucks that were so dirty they should be thrown out, but I didn’t have another pair.
“And I looked over at you and you smiled and kissed me.”
“Anything else?” I was wondering if the dream had taken a dirty turn.
“No. You were just . . . there. And I felt safe again.” She turned her head and our faces were so close that her breath stirred the little wisps that had escaped my ponytail.
“And then there you were in the café, and I wondered if it was a sign.” If I hadn’t been so captivated by her, I would have rolled my eyes. Fiona and her signs.
“A sign of what? Doom?” I had thought she would laugh, but she didn’t. Instead she raised her hand and stroked her fingertips on my cheek.
“No. A sign that we weren’t done. Not yet.” I moved my face away.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. You don’t think that your dream and then running into me is a sign that we’re getting back together, do you? Because no.” I crossed my arms and moved away from her. My skin buzzed with the way I used to feel when we’d kiss. Like I couldn’t breathe, but that I didn’t care.
She was scrambling my brain again and I needed to think and focus. I couldn’t fall back into her arms again. No way.
“Serena,” she said, touching my arm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that it felt like we needed to talk. Just talk.” I looked back over at her and I only saw sincerity in her brown eyes. I let out a breath.
“Okay. Talking is fine. So let’s talk.” She opened her mouth, but then changed her mind.
“You first.”
Now I rolled my eyes.
*^*^*
An hour later we were both starving. It had taken a little bit longer for us to fall into our old habits, but they were there. She’d had me laughing my ass off about her roommate, who had a pet snake that was constantly escaping and winding up in odd places.
“I mean, I don’t have a problem with the snake, but it’s a little unnerving when you reach for a pen and pick up a snake instead.” I shuddered.
“Yeah, no thanks. I would drop that snake off at the first animal shelter I could find and never say a word to the roommate. Snakes don’t belong in dorm rooms.” She flicked her tongue out and made a hissing noise.
“Oh my god, stop it, stop it right now!” I said, putting my hands up to defend myself. She just kept hissing and then I got off the picnic table and she chased me around the track field until we both fell on the grass and rolled over onto our backs, laughing until we couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed with someone like that.
“So, have you dated anyone at school?” she asked. I sat up and pulled up a few blades of grass, tying them together.
“Not really. You?” I didn’t want to talk about dating with her.
“I’ve gone on dates, but no one stuck.” She shrugged her shoulders like it didn’t bother her.
“Yeah, I’ve gone out with people, but I haven’t felt that spark.” And I hadn’t fallen for any of my friends, either. It was fine. I was still young and in college and I didn’t think I needed someone right now. I had enough to deal with.
“Me neither,” she said with a sigh. I continued to pull up blades of grass and tie them together.
“Do you want to get something to eat?” My stomach was going to start growling any minute.
“Uh, sure. Did you want to go somewhere?” Not really. But the only other option was going to Anna’s. I sent her a quick text asking if it was okay that I brought Fiona over. She knew Fiona and they got along.
You’re hanging out with your ex? Are you sure that’s a good idea?
Probably not.
We’re just sorting things out from years ago. No big deal.
It wasn’t. I didn’t think. I just wouldn’t make it a big deal.
Yeah, sure. There’s a frozen pizza in the freezer if you want to put it in the oven, I should be back by the time it’s done.
“You can come back to Anna’s. Her girlfriend is out of town, so it will be just the three of us. Is pizza okay?” She nodded and I stood up. I held my hand out to help her up and she took it. Fiona was taller than me by a few inches and I’d always liked being the shorter one. My hand lingered in hers for a few seconds and then I took it back and dusted it off on my jeans.
“Let’s go.”