Chapter 13

 

I’ve done such a good job convincing Livi that I don’t care about the handsome man I met at hotel that she actually believes me. We worked together all week, and I never mentioned him once, after declaring that our junk food movie night helped me purge him from my system. The truth is far from that, of course, because I can’t stop thinking about Gabe. But at least no one knows that. It’s pretty clear that Livi thinks I’ve moved on when she approaches me ten minutes before closing. Her eyes are wide and clearly hiding something and her smile is a little too big to be natural.

“Guess what?” she says, bouncing up on her toes.

“I’m scared to ask,” I say.

“No worries! It’s a good thing.” She wiggles her eyebrows again.

“Now I’m somehow even more scared…” I say with a laugh.

“So …” Livi says, drawing it out longer than she needs to. I’m reminded of when I was a kid and would ask my mom for something that I knew she wouldn’t want to buy.

“We’re going on a double date tonight!”

Whatever I’d been expecting, this isn’t it. I cross my arms. “What are you talking about? I’m not dating anyone.”

For the briefest second, I wonder if maybe it’s Gabe. But why would it be Gabe? Livi doesn’t know him.

“It’s just a fun, friendly, double date,” Livi explains. “Me and Mason, and you and Lee. He’s this guy Mason met at his motorcycle shop. He’s totally cute and he’s single and I think you’ll like him.”

“Being cute and single aren’t my only qualifications for liking a guy,” I say, feeling nervous energy race through me. I’m not ready to date another guy right now.

“I know, but he’s really nice,” she says, frowning a little. “I’ve met him a few times at the shop and today he was saying that he’s had a few bad dates lately because he can’t meet any nice women and I just realized ya’ll would make a great couple.”

“I don’t know about this …” I say hesitantly. Going out with a guy I’ve never seen, let alone met, is kind of awkward. Plus I’m totally not over Gabe yet, even though I’ll never see him again.

“It’s no pressure,” Livi says. “It’ll be just like a group of people going out, and Mason and I won’t make you feel like you’re on a real date or anything.”

“Promise?” I say.

She nods. “I wouldn’t lie to you, Alexa. And I also wouldn’t shove you together with some guy if I didn’t think you’d like him.” She smiles. “You did say you’re ready to get out there and find a relationship.”

“That’s true,” I say reluctantly. And I believe it. I want a boyfriend. I want what Livi and Mason have. Staying cooped up in my bedroom every weekend won’t make that happen for me, but dating guys will. Even if the date isn’t amazing, at least I’m trying. I’ll never know if I don’t try. And I’ll never get over Gabe if I don’t meet someone better.

I take a deep breath and stand a little straighter. “Okay, this sounds fun. Now exactly how cute is this guy?”

 

***

 

Livi didn’t lie. Lee is pretty cute. I kind of hate myself for even thinking it so soon after Gabe, but it’s true. Livi is driving us in her new/used truck, and she came by and picked me up. Now we’re pulling into Mason’s long driveway as we get ready to embark on this blind date that’s not supposed to be an official date.

Lee and Mason are standing in the garage looking at one of Mason’s new project bikes, an old Harley that’s mostly dings and scratches. I get a good look at this blind date of mine while Livi slows the truck and puts it in park.

He’s about average guy height, not tall like Gabe, and has sandy blonde hair that’s cropped short on the sides and is also pretty short on top. You couldn’t run your hands through it like you can with Gabe’s hair. He’s not too thin, but he also doesn’t look exceptionally muscular. But it’s not like I’m in amazing shape or anything, so I’m not complaining. He looks nice. Like a general nice guy.

But he’s nothing special, at least judging by the looks of him. He’s just a regular guy. I can work with that, I guess.

Even though this fake blind date doesn’t matter much on the whole scale of things, I am a little nervous. It’s always nerve-wracking putting yourself out there for judgement by the opposite sex.

When a guy approaches you, like how Gabe approached me at the coffee table, you know they’ve already seen you. Already given you enough of a glance over that they think you’re worth talking to. But this Lee guy has never seen me before. What if he’s not a fan of what he sees?

“Sorry we took so long,” Livi says, walking into the garage without a care in the world. And why should she have one? Her boyfriend already loves her so she has nothing to prove. She gives him a quick kiss on the lips while I slowly meander into the garage, looking at the old Harley as if I give a crap about it.

“This is Alexa,” Livi says. And I have to give her some credit for it. She says it all casually, like she just realized it might be good to introduce the two strangers in the room. She didn’t do something humiliating like say my name all sappy and sing-songy to make it obvious that she’s trying to hook us up.

“Alexa, this is Lee. He’s always at the shop with Mason.”

(As if she hadn’t already told me that. Good one, Liv.)

“Oh, hello,” I say in what I hope is just as casual of a voice.

“Hi, there,” Lee says. He’s got a deep southern gentleman type of voice, and that’s the first thing that makes him similar to Gabe. It somehow manages to make me smile and hurt at the same time.

“You girls hungry?” Mason says. “We were just thinking about getting some dinner.”

Damn. These two are really good at arranging a blind date and making it seem like there’s no pressure. I love my cousin so much. I shrug.

“I could eat.”

“Me too,” Livi says. “Where we going?”

“Have you been to Sam’s Boat?” Lee asks, which makes the three of us laugh.

“Yeah, we go all the time,” Mason says. He turns to Livi and me, waiting for our answer.

Livi shrugs and looks at me. “I’m good with that.”

“Me too,” I say. The food is delicious, the lakefront views are spectacular, and I’m familiar with the place so that’ll be one less thing to be nervous about.

After some small chit chat, we all agree to take Mason’s new truck, and I’m climbing into the large backseat next to Lee. Just like the state of Texas, Mason’s truck is a monster, so even though we’re both back here, there’s a huge middle seat between us that could fit a kegger of beer or two. So it’s not very intimate at all. I both appreciate it for being low pressure, and wonder how I’m supposed to get to know this guy if everything stays so casual. I’m ready to get back out there and start dating again and Lee is just cute enough to make my plan work.

He and Mason keep talking about the fixer upper bike, and motorcycles in general. Lee hasn’t talked to me once, nor has he paid any attention to me.

Then it dawns on me.

I take out my phone and text Livi, even though she’s sitting right in front of me.

Me: Does Lee know he’s supposed to be on a date with me? Or was this your sneaky secret and you hoped we’d just hit it off?

Her phone beeps but the guys don’t pay it any attention.

Livi: He knows. He’s just shy.

Me: He’s not even talking to me.

Livi: He’s shy!

She turns around and winks at me from the front seat. I roll my eyes.

“It’s a nice day outside,” I say during a lull in the conversation.

“Yeah, it is,” Lee says back. He actually turns to look at me. Hallelujah! He knows I exist. His blue eyes meet mine and I smile and he smiles, and suddenly it feels like maybe this is a date.

When we get to the restaurant, Lee walks around to my side of the truck and closes the door after I get out. Livi and Mason hold hands, as always, and Lee and I trail along beside them. He keeps close to me, so that any passing stranger might think we’re both couples. When we get to the restaurant, he holds open the door for me.

Well, that’s nice.

We’re seated at an outdoor table again, and the conversation flows nicely between the four of us. But Lee isn’t much of a one-on-one talker. Livi brings up my restaurant and Lee nods politely but doesn’t ask anything else. Gabe was fascinated by my bakery. He thought it was cool and we spent at least an hour lying in bed talking about it. Oh well, I tell myself. Gabe is a business owner so maybe that’s why he found my job interesting.

“What do you do for a living?” I ask Lee.

He sits a little straighter and plays with the empty straw wrapper on the table. “I, uh, do carpet installation.”

“Oh that’s cool,” I say. Even though it’s not really that cool at all. “Do you like it?”

“Nah, it blows.”

And then our conversation is over. I glance at Livi who gives me this frustrated look. She’s also wishing he would talk a little more. How am I supposed to get to know a guy if he doesn’t ever talk?

Halfway through dinner, I just give up on getting to know him and I talk with Livi while the guys talk about motorcycle stuff. I’d tried to be openminded about this and not compare Lee to Gabe, but I can’t help it. I can practically visualize this same situation but with Gabe sitting in Lee’s spot, and the outcome would be totally different. Gabe would love talking to Mason about the motorcycle shop, and about my bakery, and I’m sure he’d get along with Livi, too. He’d be funny and sweet, and when I accidentally dropped my fork, he’d probably have bent over and picked it up for me. Instead, Lee just snorted out a laugh and said, “That sucks” while I waited for the waitress to bring me a new one.

This isn’t really a big deal. As soon as Livi brought up the idea, I thought it was kind of stupid, so I shouldn’t be disappointed that the entire night is a total waste. But I’m still recovering from the ache of meeting Gabe, so everything feels shittier than it should in the moment.

Finally, the dinner is over, and finally, Mason gets back to his house, and I tell Lee a polite goodbye and then follow Livi into the house while the guys stay outside to talk about the bike. You’d think that bike was solid gold the way they talk about it.

“Sorry that date sucked,” Livi says.

I shake my head. “I don’t even think we can call it a date.”

“Lee seems so nice, but I had no idea he’d be so boring.” Livi reaches into the fridge and grabs a pitcher of iced tea and pours us each a glass.

“I’m guessing he just didn’t like what he saw.” I glance down at my body to punctuate my point.

“No way,” Livi says. “He’s just boring. You’re hot.”

“Doubtful.”

She sets her glass down so hard on the granite countertop that I fear it’ll break. “Alexa, he totally thinks you’re hot. He even said it at the shop the other day, which is why I got the idea.”

My brows furrow. “Oh. Well, then I feel even worse now.”

Livi laughs. “Why?”

“If he doesn’t think I’m ugly then why was he so boring?”

“He’s a guy, Alexa. Guys can’t be explained.”

“I guess you’re right.”

We finish our tea and once Lee’s car backs out of the driveway, I’m safe to leave. I say my goodbyes and I’m smiling and cheerful and my good mood lasts until Livi drops me off back at home.

Then, as soon as my door closes behind me, I burst into tears. It was only for a few hours, but I’d had something real with Gabe.

Now it all feels so far away. So long ago. So hopelessly lost forever.