Hammer stepped up to the table and began clearing plates. “I’ll be cleaning this mess up all fucking night.”
He worked on autopilot, stacking the dishes next to the sink while his brain whirled. Liam might be fed up with Raine now, but the minute the man eased up, she would revert to giving only the tiniest morsels of herself so she didn’t have to truly bare her soul. When would she realize that refusing to share the real her with everyone who cared wouldn’t lead her to the fulfillment she craved?
Cursing, he carried another stack of plates into the kitchen. The entire room looked like an atomic bomb had detonated.
“And she was going to clean this mess up with a goddamn migraine? Right…”
At the sound of angry footsteps, Hammer turned to see Liam striding into the room, barreling down like a train. The prick didn’t say a word, just launched a solid right hook into his jaw. Dazed, Hammer stumbled back, colliding with a stack of dishes that teetered on the edge of the counter, a breath away from crashing to the floor.
“Back the fuck away from Raine. She’s not your ‘precious.’ She’s mine.”
He narrowed his eyes, massaging his chin, and stared at Liam. “Do you feel better now?”
“Not really. I’d rather smash your teeth down your throat, you selfish wanker. You could have had Raine any bloody time in all the years she’s been here, but ever since I collared her, you can’t seem to stay away.”
“What the hell? She got sick. I tried to help her, asshole.”
“By undermining me. And I still haven’t forgiven you for dragging her to your bed the second I claimed her. Why won’t you go the fuck away?”
“Because it’s my club, thank you very much. We both know that last-minute training collar was a convenient way for you to get her into bed. Pot, meet kettle.”
“Piss off, fuckwit.” Liam rubbed at his knuckles.
“What’s really got your dick in a twist? That she loves me? That she wants me? Or that she feels safe with me and doesn’t want to leave Shadows?” Hammer expected to feel his friend’s right hook again any second. Instead, hurt flared in Liam’s eyes.
“We’re bloody stuck here because a BDSM club is the closest thing Raine’s ever had to a real home. And she can’t break her connection with you because you won’t leave her alone long enough to let her.”
Guilty. He should have given Raine a proper home outside the club. He should have backed the hell off when she’d accepted Liam as her Dominant. But if he had, he would have lost Raine, probably for good. His guts clenched at the thought of her no longer in his life.
“You break her heart and fucking make her cry,” Liam railed on. “And me? Hell, you can’t stop laying on the accusations, taking every cheap shot you can.”
And didn’t that make him feel like a thousand kinds of an asshole? For years, Hammer had clung to Raine like a safety line. He never drew her to his shore, just gripped the goddamn rope tighter and tighter, afraid of losing her and the contentment she gave him, equally terrified that if he embraced her, he’d destroy her. If being with Liam made her happy, he should drop the rope and let her go.
His lungs burned as he tried to suck in a breath. Panic set in. His conscience screamed in the back of his brain that he should do the right thing…for once. But even if he kicked himself in the ass for not giving her what she needed, he was still a selfish bastard. In the end, he couldn’t give her up.
“Liam—”
“Shut the fuck up. Sometimes I wonder why I’m bothering when neither one of you seems to want me here. I’m sick to death of fighting you both.”
Liam sounded damn close to giving up on Raine. Somehow, that wasn’t nearly as satisfying as Hammer had imagined. In fact, he’d never seen the man so near the end of his rope, not even when Gwyneth had betrayed him.
Guilt oozed through his pores. Hammer would rather cut off his nuts with a rusty blade than examine this shitstorm, but no avoiding it now. He’d been blinded by his goddamn jealousy. He’d been too busy backbiting and lashing out to see that he was not only neglecting to consider Raine’s needs, but destroying a brotherhood.
Hell, he had been a fuckwit. He should say something, offer an olive branch of some sort. This feud wasn’t helping Liam, himself, or Raine.
“Listen—”
“Not another bloody word.” Liam gave Hammer a mighty shove, sending him stumbling back. “Raine needed guidance for six fucking years, and you did little but isolate and ignore her. You would have contorted yourself to help any other sub grow. If another Dom had treated her the way you have, you’d have killed him. What happened to you?”
Juliet.
“I used to look up to you,” Liam went on. “I don’t know who the fuck you are anymore.”
The man’s temper and accusation sparked his own. “You’re not perfect yourself. You didn’t have my permission to touch Raine, but you took her anyway. You knew I was in love with her. Some friend you are, forcing me to watch you fuck the only woman I’ve cared about since Juliet. You don’t know who I am? Fuck you. That street runs both ways.”
“Oh, quit your bellyaching about how I stole Raine from you when you were too daft to make her yours in the first place.” Liam’s face tightened, his fists clenching. “I won’t apologize for falling in love with her. At least I’ve tried to put her first. For years, Raine begged you for attention, but you were too busy dancing the mattress tango with every other sub. Think what you want of me, but the way you’ve treated the so-called ‘first woman I’ve cared about since Juliet’ is despicable. If you truly care for Raine, you’ll let her go. If not, you’re going to destroy her. And there’ll be no mending this rift between us.”
“I share a decade with you—a roof, a bed, my goddamn wife—and you’re ready to toss our friendship out for a woman you’ve been fucking for three weeks?”
“Are you a relationship guru now who knows exactly how long it takes to fall for someone? I love Raine. That eats you up. Admit it.”
“Damn straight it does, just like the fact that I love her too crawls up your ass and festers. You know the difference? I shared. I opened my fucking marriage to you because I thought Juliet needed you. Raine needs me. And you tell me that I can only talk to her about work with the door open? Nice reciprocation, asshole.”
“I invited you back to New York after I married Gwyneth.”
“What was I supposed to do in the middle of your newly wedded bliss besides be your third wheel?”
“I asked you to live with us so we could share her. I didn’t think I had to spell out the obvious.”
“I wanted no part of that bitch. Liam, she didn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.”
“It has nothing to do with her. You were too bloody busy with your club and your endless parade of fuck bunnies.”
“Every one of those subs kept me from returning to New York so you didn’t have to go through the hell with Gwyneth that I did with Juliet.”
Liam gaped at him. “You dipping your wick in every hole was somehow for my benefit? I’ve got to hear this.”
“I didn’t share Gwyneth with you because I worried it would ultimately drive her to something reckless.”
“Like Juliet? That’s ridiculous. Your wife was quiet and meek—nothing like Gwyneth. Juliet was a bit screwed up, too. Lousy excuse, Hammer.”
“Yeah?” Hammer whirled around, panting between clenched teeth as he searched for something to throw, to hit, to fucking break. “When you called to tell me that you were filing for divorce, what was the first question I asked you?”
“You asked why.” Liam shrugged. “So? What are you blathering on about? You know why Gwyneth and I split up. She liked my money. Oh, and she liked fucking her personal trainer and his boyfriend. What does any of that have to do with Juliet?”
“I asked you why you left Gwyneth because I gave a shit. Because I cared about you.”
Hammer kicked the wall, then grabbed a plate from the counter and hurled it across the room. Hearing the crash and seeing the white china shatter wasn’t nearly as satisfying as he’d hoped.
“Why the devil are you breaking the dishes?” Liam stared at him as if he’d lost his mind.
“You never asked me why,” Hammer whirled back on Liam, his chest heaving. “Didn’t you care why Juliet swallowed a whole fucking bottle of pills in the middle of a Sunday afternoon? You called. You said all the right things.” He choked. “But you never asked why. You weren’t fucking there when I needed you most.”
Rage poured out from him like hot bacon grease, sizzling his skin, burning away all his self-control. He wanted to hurt something, destroy it, preferably Liam. The dumb prick stood gawking at him like he was still trying to figure out the puzzle. Goddamn if that didn’t infuriate him, too.
Hammer reached for the next plate on the stack and zinged it across the room, the splintering of the delicate china firing up the beast inside him.
Liam stared, blinking, barely breathing. “Hammer, I didn’t… Can you stop destroying the place long enough for me to say something? Christ, man. You’ll wake the fucking dead! Or worse, Raine.”
Liam grabbed the next plate away, and Hammer felt a fresh wave of fury crash through his head as he lurched to snatch it back. “Give that to me!”
“No. You obviously want to talk about Juliet and what I didn’t do right. How was I to know? Before I could even come home, you had her cremated and buried, like you’d filed her away in a dusty cabinet. I didn’t even get to say good-bye. I thought you just wanted to forget her and move on.”
Hammer clenched his jaw. He’d been keeping the lid closed on this can of worms for years. Keep pushing, and I’ll open it right up. “You assumed, but you didn’t care enough to ask.”
“I didn’t pry,” Liam insisted, putting the plates out of Hammer’s reach, then crossing his arms over his chest.
He scoffed, his temper rising. “You didn’t want to know why my wife and your lover killed her goddamn self without expressing an ounce of unhappiness to either one of us?”
“Of course I did.” Liam stepped closer, his voice dropping. Goddamn it if he didn’t look somewhere between concerned and compassionate. “I offered to drop my project at work and come home. You said not to bother, so I tried to talk to you over the phone. But you were aloof, so I backed off…” He shook his head sadly. “I wasn’t disinterested, Macen. Jesus, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you felt like this. When you kept pushing me away, I thought you needed time to process. When you moved out here, I assumed you needed space, a fresh start…” He hung his head. “I worried that I was a reminder of a time you wanted to forget.”
“I wish to fuck I could,” Hammer said miserably. “I changed coasts, changed careers, and changed lives. Nothing made me want to really live again until Raine.”
“Shit. I didn’t start with her to hurt you. I know I’m a bit late, but…” Liam swallowed. “Why? Why did Juliet end herself, then? Do you know?”
“Yeah, and you don’t want to.”
“I do or I wouldn’t have asked.”
The backs of Hammer’s eyes ached. His throat closed up. “She left me a note. She wanted more attention.”
Liam rubbed at the back of his neck. “Frankly, mate, I’m not sure either of us could ever have given her enough attention. She was a bit starved, no matter what we did. I suppose it didn’t help that work kept me away for the last six weeks or so, but I called her. She knew I was coming back.”
“She was tired of being our ‘fuck doll.’”
“Juliet said that?” he asked incredulously.
“Yeah, and neither of us realized she felt that way.”
“You’re right.” Liam blew out a breath. “The last time I saw her, she kissed me and told me to hurry home. Why didn’t she tell us that? She always struggled with communication, but—”
“She was pregnant.” Hammer dragged a hand through his hair and let loose a jagged breath as he slid down the wall and sat surrounded by broken crockery, miserable and defeated. “Eight weeks.”
Liam gaped. “Did you know?”
“Not until I read it in her note. I should have paid more attention.”
He swallowed, looking visibly pale. “Whose baby was it?”
“She wasn’t sure and she couldn’t handle the shame of not knowing whose name to list on the birth certificate. She knew we’d never let her go if she was pregnant, and she didn’t want to raise a child in our ‘den of depravity.’ Instead of communicating, she chose sleeping pills over life with us.”
“Fuck me dazed.” Liam slid down beside him, staring at the wall on the far side of the kitchen. “Didn’t you think the truth was important enough to share? Or did you imagine that I wouldn’t care?”
“I tried not to dump this on you. I tried to be a friend and save you this shit. Look how you repay me.”
Liam’s rage went from zero to zoom. He turned red, betrayal in his eyes. “You son of a bitch! You tell me all this now and pass it off as a favor? I would have been by your side in a heartbeat if you had bothered to fucking tell me.”
“Well, as a friend, you should have asked why. And now you’ve taken Raine from me. What sort of friend does that? All I’ve got left is Shadows. You want that, too?” He jumped to his feet and fished the keys out of his pocket. “Here you go. Don’t come back to me for anything else. I don’t have a goddamn thing left to give you.”
Liam’s eyes widened as he staggered upright. His mouth hung open as if Hammer had just punched him. “I don’t want those.” He shoved the keys out of Hammer’s hand. They skittered across the floor. “Now what the fuck are you saying? That Juliet was my fault?”
“Damn straight,” Hammer roared, shoulders back, chest heaving.
“How do you figure that?” he railed in return. “I didn’t shove the pills down her throat.”
“Besides not being there for her, you still hit the clubs, still fucked all the subs. She knew that, and it crushed her.”
“She said that in her suicide note?”
“It was obvious. And she knew that you were hardly a monk while you were in Miami on business. I know exactly what you were doing the night of her birthday. Or who you were doing. How do you think that made her feel?”
Liam scowled. “We spent hours negotiating everything before we started sharing her. Exclusivity wasn’t part of the deal. She’d seen me with other women and never seemed to mind.”
“Of course she minded,” Hammer shouted. “Do you think she liked feeling as if she wasn’t enough for you?”
Liam sent him a sharp glare. “And Juliet told you she felt this way? Or is this how you feel?”
“That’s great. Pin it on me.” Hammer threw his hands in the air. “You’ve taken two women from me, but you won’t take an ounce of guilt. Perfect.”
With fists clenched around the chair, Liam ground his teeth. “Fine. You want it to be all my fault? Okay, it is. It’s all my fucking fault. Juliet would have been beyond happy if I hadn’t agreed to your invitation, invaded your marriage, and fucked up your lives, so I’ll take every ounce of blame. Now you can sleep at night. Feel better?”
No, he didn’t, not one fucking bit. His whole body clenched in knots.
“Yeah,” he lied. “Your turn to carry this load around, asshole. And if you fuck up Raine too, I’ll rip your head off and shit down your throat.”
“Trust me, I’ll take care of Raine. All day, all night, in every way she needs.”
Hammer surged closer. “You barely know her. I might not have watched over her perfectly before you barged in, but she wouldn’t even tell you the date she should have gotten her period. I can damn well make her talk. She needs a strong Dom. She needs me. And if I get a chance to be with Raine again, you can bet your ass I’ll take it.”
“It’s not enough that you hoard this secret, then lay it on my shoulders eight years too late. But you also spew out that you’ll fuck my Raine again, given the chance. I ought to shove your fucking balls up your ass and make sure the only way you can find them is with a toothpick.”
Hammer opened his mouth to rage back, but the door pushed open suddenly. Raine stepped in, squinting against the light. She surveyed the damage with a frown, her hair pulled haphazardly away from her pale face. The ancient T-shirt she wore looked at least four sizes too big and swallowed her up.
With a pained frown, she stared at them both as if they’d lost their minds. “What’s going on? Why are you shouting?”
Liam glared at him, then scooped Raine up in his arms. “It’s nothing, love. Let’s get you back to bed. I’ll come with you.”
Hammer could only watch the other man take the woman he loved away, maybe this time for good.
#
Two hours later, Hammer sat on the edge of his bed, swirling a tumbler of Scotch, his thoughts circling like the amber liquid. He’d lost the grip of his icy control in the kitchen with Liam. Why the hell had he suddenly unloaded years of anger and dumped it on the man? Had he expected Liam to magically wash away the layers of blame and make everything better? Hammer scoffed. By finally vomiting out the truth, he’d managed to purge a lot of resentment. Why didn’t he feel any better? He should have confronted Liam and his own guilt years ago. He just hadn’t had the balls to wade through the shit. He really didn’t want to now.
“Mind if I join you?”
Hammer zipped his stare to the doorway to find Beck leaning against the frame, his arms folded across his chest, eyeing the decanter of Scotch on the nightstand.
“Help yourself.” Hammer nodded, raising his glass in the air, toasting his own stupidity. “What are you doing here? I thought you’d taken everyone back to your place for beer and football.”
“We caught the last half of the game, then they all bailed. I came back to see if the club was still standing. What the fuck, man? I don’t think I’ve ever sat through a more uncomfortable Thanksgiving. What do you have planned for next year, pissing in the gravy?”
Hammer issued a humorless chuckle. “You missed the fun part.”
“Yeah, I kind of figured. When I couldn’t find anyone, I peeked in the kitchen.” Beck gave a low whistle. “It looks like World War Wedgwood hit that place. So who won?” Beck asked, cocking a brow as he pulled up a chair across from Hammer and took a seat.
“No one.” Hammer sighed in disgust. “I royally fucked up, man.”
Beck swallowed down a healthy gulp of Scotch and hissed. “What did you do this time?”
Hammer filled the sadist in on all the ugly details as he refilled their glasses.
When he was done, Hammer closed his eyes. He could still see Juliet’s pale, naked body lying on their bed. Her blonde tresses spilled out over the gray silk sheets; white foam congealed around her blue lips. Her eyes were open, lifeless, staring past him as if he wasn’t there. And he hadn’t been when she’d taken her own life. When the world had crumbled beneath Juliet’s feet, she’d given up, welcoming the end without him.
“I should have told Liam how much guilt I was drowning in a long time ago. But I didn’t.” Hammer rubbed at his forehead. “He was so young, and I thought I was protecting him because he wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. Besides, she was my wife. Liam had signed up for sex and good times, not…all that. I didn’t know how to cope, so I shut down. I shouldered all the responsibility for her death. When he moved on to a normal life and got married, I resented the fuck out of him. I just kept getting more and more pissed off. I ended up blaming him for pretty much everything.”
“You’re a dumbass.” Beck shook his head.
“Yep.” Hammer groused, then downed the contents of his glass and filled it once more. “I accused him of helping to push Juliet over the edge because he frequently fucked other subs.”
“Is that true?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Hammer sighed. “She never told me how she felt. About anything.”
“You’re an even bigger idiot than I thought. You blame Liam for maybe upsetting Juliet because he couldn’t keep his pants zipped. But you know your manwhoredom crushed Raine and you didn’t take responsibility for that one whit. Really, dude?”
“I know. I was just pissed as hell and looking for a way to unload my guilt.” Shaking his head, he swirled the liquid in his glass and watched it turn. “What Juliet did completely shell-shocked me. I didn’t have a fucking clue how to deal with it. I sure as hell couldn’t bring myself to examine my own role too closely. Blaming him was easier.”
“Are you examining it now?”
“I’m trying not to. Hence the Scotch,” Hammer replied, then tossed back a healthy swig.
“Yeah, that’ll really do the trick,” Beck drawled.
“No, it won’t. Trust me. I’ve tried for years.” But that didn’t stop him from pouring another. He tipped back the glass in a futile attempt to wipe away the memory. Sure, it numbed his guilt, but never eradicated the stain from his soul.
“So maybe you should stop trying to drown your crap. Dissect it and then let it go. Hell, who knows, you just might end up a happier son of a bitch.”
“What makes you think I’m not happy?”
“Gee, I have no clue.” Beck shook his head. “You’ve got to come clean with Liam.”
“Why would I do that after he stole Raine?”
“Stole? Let’s cut the shit, shall we?” Beck leaned in and narrowed his eyes. “You owe Liam an apology. And then you need to pull your balls out of your purse, cupcake, and tell Raine how you feel about her. See what happens.”
“Don’t you have a home to go back to?” He glared, nursing his drink.
“Aww, but digging in your head is a lot more fun.” He slapped Hammer on the shoulder. “Besides, you need a friend who’s not afraid to put a stop to your big ol’ boo-hoo pity party.”
Hammer winced. “Don’t hold back, Beck. Tell me how you really feel.”
“I’m trying. Pull your head out of your ass, unless you enjoy the smell. If you didn’t tell Liam anything about Juliet’s death, how could you expect him to take half the blame?”
“She killed herself, and he never asked why. What the hell?”
“What would you have done in Liam’s shoes? The woman you’re sharing in an open relationship offs herself, and her husband won’t talk to you.”
Hammer drained his glass, wishing he could strangle Beck for such an ugly goddamn question. “I guess…” He sighed. “Fuck, if I’d been Liam, that would have been my sign to keep out. He said he didn’t want to pry, but I think he blamed me.”
“But he didn’t tell you that?”
“No.”
“So you’re assuming?”
“Shut up, Freud.” He poured more Scotch. “You’re a vascular surgeon, not a shrink.”
Beck shrugged. “I did my nine weeks’ psych rotation. I’m almost qualified.”
“Then why don’t you examine your own life? There’s plenty of shit there.”
“Nah. I’m screwed up, but not nearly as much as you.” Beck chuckled.
“Fuck off.”
“Seriously. Stop drowning in your booze and go apologize to Liam.”
“He won’t listen to a damn thing I have to say, especially after I told him I’d fuck Raine again when I got the chance.”
“And you decided to pour gasoline on the fire, why? Weren’t the flames hot enough for you?” Beck shook his head. “You’ve got way too much pride, Macen, and it’s biting you in the ass.”
“It’s not the first time.”
“And probably not the last.” Beck paused. “What drew you both to Juliet? What was she like?”
Hammer sloshed back another stiff swig. “Quiet. Refined. Proper. She was a lady. The downside was, she didn’t like conflict or confrontation.”
“I just can’t see you with a quiet girl. You need the challenge of a spitfire sub.” He cocked his head. “Like Raine.”
Hammer winced. “I know. Her sassy attitude makes me want to smack her ass and fuck her breathless. I can’t get her out of my blood. I’ve tried.”
“Too bad you haven’t tried being honest with everyone.”
“There’s the door, fucker.” Hammer pointed. “I didn’t invite you in to unravel me. I’m not one of your pain sluts.”
“So you’re going to shove me out, like Liam. Newsflash for you: I don’t have a dog in this hunt. I don’t care what you do, except that I’d like to see my friend smile once a decade. We don’t have to talk about a damn thing. We can get staggering drunk, then you can deal with your own mess tomorrow. And while you’re at it, stop badgering Raine for not communicating because you’re no better.”
Yeah, Beck just kept digging in his head and figuring all his shit out. Wasn’t this fun? Hammer downed the last of the liquid in his glass. Beck snatched it away.
“I hate you.” Hammer scowled.
The other man laughed. “Good, then I’m doing my job. We drinking or talking?”
“Talking,” he conceded, shaking his head.
“Happy to hear it. Now tell me how Juliet went from good girl to sex slave for you two?”
“I got off on pushing her past her comfort zone. It was like pure power pumping through my veins, and it fed the fuck out of the beast inside me. So I kept pushing and pushing…”
“You’re supposed to do that as a Dom.”
“Yeah, but she almost never pushed back. Once, I brought in a Domme. Juliet did safe word out of that. So I took her to a dungeon to see what tripped her trigger. The only thing that seemed to catch her eye was Liam sceneing. When I approached him about Juliet, he was all over it. Hell, he was twenty-one, but he had a firm understanding of the power exchange.”
“So he joined you?”
“For a night, at first. But I loved it. I thought she did, too. Knowing I could make a proper wife fuck another man did it for me. I thought she liked connecting with her inner bad girl, and they seemed to click, so I asked him to stay for good. By the time I found out it made her feel like a whore, it was too late. I mistook her silence for submission.”
“You didn’t ask a ton of questions before you changed the relationship?”
Hammer hung his head. “Not enough. I was drunk on power and not a shining example of a Master.”
“Wow. That’s not the man I know. I seriously can’t see you not forcing Juliet to communicate. You nearly talk subs to death.”
“Oh, I tried to talk to Juliet, believe me. Every time I sat her down and told her I needed to know how she felt, she’d give me a placid smile, tell me she loved me, shower me with kisses, then usually give me a blow job. I bought into her acquiescence, thinking she was the perfect submissive. I should have dug harder, but she never gave me any reason to. But she taught me a valuable lesson. That’s why I harp on subs now about communication.”
“Hammer, she didn’t give you anything to work with. You did the best you could with what you knew. After all, there were two people in that marriage. She made her choices.”
He shrugged, but he couldn’t unload the boulder of guilt from his back. Instead, he took his glass from Beck and poured another shot. “But it was my job to take care of her, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I failed her in every way.”
“What happened next?”
“After her death, I shut down. I was alone and miserable. I couldn’t stay in New York. Too many memories. Too much hurt. I didn’t know where to direct my rage, except toward Liam. I couldn’t pin it on Juliet. She was a victim of my desires and my ego.”
“Wait a minute. She wasn’t a victim. She didn’t tell you how she felt and she didn’t give you a choice. She took the power. Weren’t you pissed at her for taking her own life?”
“Livid. I know that’s part of the death process, but I wondered if I’d ever really known her. I thought I loved her, but how could I love a stranger?”
“I’m not speaking ill of her, but it sounds like she was repressed, depressed, and just fucked up.”
Hammer flubbed through a laugh. “Maybe. A little.”
“Haven’t you beat yourself up enough yet? Are you sure you don’t have a little bit of a masochist in you?”
“You wish.” With a shrug, Hammer stared down into the alcohol. “Good strategy. Wait until I’m drunk so I’ll talk.”
“Hey, it worked.”
“Prick.”
“That’s Sir Prick.” He snickered. “So neither you nor Liam had any hint that Juliet was unhappy or contemplating suicide? Or that she was pregnant?”
“Nope. That mistake cost me dearly.”
“That explains why you dole out Raine’s medication. And why you’ve always kept track of her cycles. I had no idea it was that bad, man. I’m sorry.”
Beck’s words were slathered in sympathy. Hammer didn’t need it. He just wanted the regret and shame eating him up inside to go away.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this crap around all these years.” Beck looked as blown out of the water as Liam had earlier.
“Yep, until tonight when I puked up every ugly bit of it, right onto Liam.” The memory of utter shock on his old friend’s face slid through Hammer’s veins like black, oily sludge.
Beck’s eyes grew wide as if suddenly struck with understanding. “Well, now I know why you won’t tell Raine you’re in love with her. All these years you’ve wanted to claim her, but…”
“I’m no good for her,” Hammer interrupted. “She deserves a better man and Master.”
“Yeah? And everyone can see you’re doing so great without her,” Beck mocked.
“I never said that.”
“So all the submissives you take to bed are what? Substitutes for Raine?”
Hammer leveled a look of warning toward Beck. “You’re stepping over a line. Watch yourself.”
“No. I’m not going to candy-coat it for you, and deep down you don’t want me to.”
True. “They’re not substitutes. They’re able to handle what I need. When I’m rough and strict, it silences the guilt screaming in my head.
“What about the night you spent with Raine. Guilt then?”
Hammer’s hand tightened around his glass. “She silenced it all. There was nothing but peace.”
“So why don’t—”
“I don’t deserve to have it silenced. Don’t you understand? I failed Juliet. I’ll be damned if I fail Raine.”
“You think Raine might check out like Juliet someday?” he asked Hammer.
“No. Never.”
“At least you’ve gotten that much through your thick skull. Raine may not be the greatest communicator, but she’s a fighter, Macen. You know that.”
Yeah, he did. All the years he’d spent with Juliet he’d never truly seen his wife’s soul. No matter how he’d tried, it had been like looking through smoke. He could see Raine’s bright beacon as clear as day. She wasn’t a quitter. The girl could be so damn self-sufficient. She’d left that prick of a father as a kid, and without fear of how she’d survive, drew from her inner strength to forge a better life for herself. Hammer knew what Raine would do if she were unhappy, and it sure as hell wasn’t swallow a bottle of pills.
“I might have to hunt her down,” Hammer said. “But I’ll never have to bury her. If I’d thought for two seconds that I might, the possibility of her being pregnant would have sent me into a panic.”
“Then stop projecting your guilt over her and Liam, and start being honest with them both. Hasn’t Juliet taken enough from you? Maybe your child, nearly a decade, your happiness? Do something, idiot! Otherwise, you’ll just keep wasting away your life.”
“Thanks for holding back.”
Beck snorted, but he was right. Hammer had wasted so much time. How much longer was he willing to throw away over shit he couldn’t change?