Tears meld with the water as it falls from the showerhead above. Never has my heart felt so heavy, dangling by a thread as it hangs with burden inside the ribs that are supposed to protect it. It swells in agony, and even though the water is scorching hot, I barely feel it. I can’t stop shaking.
Bones tremble.
Muscles weep.
Veins beg for mercy.
Bracing my hands against the shower wall, I drop my head beneath the spray as Lana, my dormmate, sleeps in her bed on the other side of the bathroom door. Silently, I cry. For what? I’m not quite sure. Water streams down my face and bleeds into my eyes, but it doesn’t wash away the fog from last night. It brings no clarity at all.
But do I want it to? Do I want to know the details?
I think I may have cheated on Kason last night.
I mean, everything is pointing in that direction, but memory won’t serve me. It denies me everything I need and everything I don’t.
How could I have done this? How could I have been so stupid as to get so drunk that I don’t even remember how I woke up in a strange room with my pants off, a used condom on the floor, and a naked guy next to me? I didn’t even bother to roll him over to see who he was, but I’m pretty certain it was Liam, the frat guy who I had been hanging out with.
But why?
Why on earth would I do such a thing when I love Kason so much? When I have absolutely no desire to be with anyone but him—forever?
I collapse onto the cold, hard tile, and my knees scream out in pain, reminding me of the horrible person I am.
You aren’t a horrible person.
And again, why?
You did nothing wrong.
Nothing makes sense.
I’m without breath as I fight to hold in my sobs, every beat of my heart aching more than the one before. Pinching my eyes shut, I plead for a clue, a hint . . . anything from last night that will help me remember what the hell actually happened. But there’s nothing. Only blank space and negative light that shines upon emptiness.
How can I not remember anything—anything?
Did I really become that lustful to destroy everything I have with Kason?
You aren’t the culprit. You’re the victim.
I shake my head and ball myself tighter on the floor of the shower, because no.
No!
The voice inside my head is terrifying, causing my heart to hammer off beat. I pinch my eyes shut and wish the horrific thoughts away, because how can it be if I can’t even recall the hows and whys?
As repulsive as it may be, my cheating on Kason could very well have happened.
It didn’t.
I saw the evidence. I saw the ugliness with my own eyes. It cut like razors, and I couldn’t grab my clothes and run out of there fast enough. I ran and ran, lungs burning, legs on fire. I bolted across campus to my dorm. And now here I am, broken on the bottom of this strange shower with nothing left of my dignity.
No longer do I feel wholesome, which was something I was so proud to be. I loved that I could give purity and goodness to Kason. Now, I’m tarnished and cheap.
He violated you.
My stomach curls in on itself at the thought. Hunched over, I send my tears right down the drain as they pour out of me. I remain unmoving as the water runs cold, taking in the icy abuse on my naked body I don’t want anymore. It pelts and lashes, and I shiver and flinch in its torment until I can’t bear its punishment any longer. Reaching up, I shut the water off, but I’m not quick to stand.
I couldn’t possibly be more disgusted with myself than I am in this moment, so I hold myself in my arms, desperate for consoling.
Not even a solid twenty-four hours at college, and everything is so screwed. I should have never moved out. I should have never gone with Lana to that stupid party. I should have never given Liam the time of day. More than anything, I should have never left the safety of Kason’s bed yesterday afternoon.
I’m jolted by a knock on the door.
“Ady?” Lana’s sleepy voice questions.
“Give me one minute.”
Mustering all the strength I can, I stand, grab my towel, and quickly dry myself off, all the while feeling as if I’m drowning. Pulling the shower curtain back, I step out and over to the sink before wiping my hand across the fog-covered mirror. My face is splotchy from crying, but when Lana knocks again, saying, “I have to pee,” I wrap the towel around myself, duck my head, and open the door.
“Oh, thank god,” she mutters, rushing in and closing the door, not even looking my way.
Tossed out of the bathroom so abruptly by Lana, my pulse races to adjust to a slower tempo as I throw on some clothes. I do my best to feign normalcy when she walks back into the room.
“You’re up early.” She crawls back into her bed and tucks herself under her covers. “Is this, like, a thing for you?”
“I don’t even know what time it is.”
She picks up her phone and then dramatically drops her head onto her pillow. “Girl, it’s barely seven thirty.” I begin brushing through my wet tangles, hoping she’ll go back to sleep. She doesn’t. “So, what happened to you last night? You totally disappeared on me.”
“What are you doing sitting out here by yourself?” I remember Liam saying while I was waiting on Lana outside the sorority house. “Come on. You don’t want to spend your night sitting out here, do you?”
I’d gone with him to his frat house, and I’d run into Rhett there. “I ran into a friend I went to high school with.”
As soon as I say the words, a new memory blooms. Rhett was with me. We were sitting on a couch and talking.
But everything dissolves when Lana speaks again. “I was looking all over for you. I would’ve called, but I don’t have your number.”
Why didn’t I give her my number? If I had done that, maybe none of this would’ve happened.
Why can’t I remember what happened?
My throat constricts, and I quickly swallow back painful tears before I lose my composure. God, this hurts so bad. Everything inside me is screaming for Kason. To get in my car and speed as fast as I can just to feel the comfort of his arms around me.
But I can’t.
I want to so badly, but what would I even say? I could never tell him the truth. I don’t even know the truth. He’d never look at me the same way. He’d hate me if he knew another man had me.
My gut gurgles in rancid thoughts, and I leap off the bed, dart across the room, and nearly miss the toilet as misery barrels up my throat. I heave violently, my body hating me for all that’s now destroyed.
“Ady, are you okay?”
Tears coat my cheeks as another expulsion knots my stomach, one, two, three times until I’m limp and crying on the floor, wanting only one thing—Kason.
Lana flushes the toilet before handing me a cold, wet washcloth.
“Are you hung over?”
I nod, but truth is, I don’t know, and that thought alone scares me.
I stare up at the cheap fluorescent lighting, my head, nothing but a swarm of blurry images. Pieces that don’t fit together do nothing but upset me further, and I wish it would all just go away.
I want to go back and change the course of yesterday. I should’ve never left Kason. Why didn’t I just stay with him? But I did leave, and now everything is all wrong and I’m stuck here with Lana, who’s nothing but a stranger.
Lana steps out of the bathroom, and by the time I sit up and wipe my tears, she’s back with my cell phone in her hand.
“Here,” she says as she holds it out for me, and as soon as I see Kason’s name on the screen, I panic.
A few hiccups remain from my crying, and with Lana staring at me, I cautiously bring the phone to my ear.
“Hey,” I say, but my voice is all wrong.
“I’m on my way to the office and wanted to call and see how last night went. Did you have fun?”
“Mm-hmm.” It’s all I can manage as my face pinches, and I drop my head to my knees in absolute tormenting pain.
His laugh is light. “That’s all I get? Come on, babe.”
I should say something. I need to say something—anything—but I’m terrified that if I open my mouth, I’ll burst out into gut-wrenching sobs.
“Are you there?”
I nod, even though I know it’ll never get to him.
“Adaline? Are you okay?”
I swallow hard, and as agonizing as it is, I speak around the lump lodged in my throat, saying quickly, “I can’t talk right now,” and then ending the call.
Before he can call me back, I turn off my phone and look up at Lana, who’s standing in the doorway and staring at me in confusion.
“Everything all right?”
Needing space, I stand. “It’s fine,” I tell her before turning on the faucet and doing a quick brushing of my teeth. As soon as I rinse and spit, I walk over to my desk area and grab my keys.
“What’s wrong? Where are you going?”
“I’ll be back later,” I mutter before the door closes behind me.
My head fills with loud static as I rush down the hall, in desperate need of air so that I can finally get in a decent breath. When I hit the stairs, I feel the walls closing in on me, and I can’t get out of here fast enough. I push through the doors on the ground floor, and the bright morning sun stings my salt-ridden eyes. I squint as I pick up the pace, and soon enough, I’m in my car, heading west to the shore. With my phone still off, I’m no longer on the grid, which is exactly what I need right now. I lower my windows to take in some much-needed air, and then crank up the stereo to help drown out the thoughts that have been torturing me ever since I woke up to this nightmare.