ONE MONTH BEFORE THE NEW SCHOOL YEAR STARTS

The text message from my wife is simply put. As are all of her texts. Phone calls are rare between us, these days, as are visits between one another. I can’t even recall the last time I saw my own spouse.

It didn’t always used to be this way. Once we were in love, blissfully so. Something changed over the past twenty years of marriage, something ugly wormed its way between us. It’s now there. It’s an ugly, breathing, living thing. Nothing can take it away, God knows I’ve tried. No amount of second, third, or even fifth honeymoons can make it disappear.

I’m fairly certain she doesn’t even like me, let alone love me, and unfortunately, the feeling is mutual. We stay married, fuck knows why. We’re stuck in this spinning circle, like hamsters spinning our wheels, either afraid or too comfortable to make any kind of change.

However, for the past five years, I’ve taken to sleeping with students who are willing. I slipped my ring off the first day I cheated, and I never put it back on. Danielle had already taken hers off, the moment I told her that I was moving to Nebraska. It was like a switch flipped for both of us, as if our marriage is something that is simply just—there.

Danielle, I honestly don’t know what the fuck she’s doing. I wish I knew. She’s a risk and compliance consultant for some big company in New York. It’s where we’re from, but I couldn’t get a job there. When an opening became available for a teaching job in Nebraska, and I was offered a position in the physics department, I quickly accepted.

Stupidly, I thought that Danielle would come with me. She didn’t. She travels for her job, extensively as it is, so she told me that she would just come to Nebraska when her schedule allowed. She loved the idea, said that settling down in a small town, away from the buzz of the city would be wonderful for us. I can’t deny that I’ve enjoyed it immensely, though I’m not sure how she feels about it since she’s hardly here. She never settled down in the city of Lincoln, in fact, she’s never fucking here.

My response is short, to the point, and full of fucking bitterness. I can’t even remember the last time I laid eyes on my wife, as it is. Now, she’s saying she won’t be home for almost another two weeks. Fuck this, and fuck her. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, I feel so fucking out of control when it comes to my marriage. Like I’m spiraling in this black fucking hole, falling, and it’s bottomless—an endless pit.

Standing from my office chair, I slip my phone into my pocket and let out a groan.

How did I let my life get to this point?

When did I give up everything I dreamed of and settle for this monotony of nothingness?

When did I decide to be childless?

At forty-four I’ve given up on having children. Danielle is already forty, and unless we adopt, it’s not going to happen. How did we not talk about this? How did we work through it all? That’s what we did too, we’ve been working, and trudging through the mud, not fucking talking about anything.

Locking my office door, I head toward my car. I don’t drive anything fancy, a little black four-door coupe, BMW 4 Series. It’s the one thing I enjoy in my life, my car. Everything else, just seems—tainted. Even the students I fuck, they’re tainted. I never know if they want me for me, or because they think I can do something for them. I tend not to dip into my own students, choosing other women from campus to alleviate any student-teacher scandals.

Tonight, I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m just going to go home, go to bed, and swim in my own fucking self-pity. In a month, things will be different. The rush of the new semester, and the hustle and bustle of my new classes will fill me with some sense of excitement—hopefully.

My oldest brother glares at me. He mutters something, but I don’t understand him—I never do. He knows Spanish, but our father left before I was even born so I didn’t learn a single word from him. Also, stubbornly I refused to learn the language fluently. I have some daddy issues where my father is concerned. My issues are that I hate him, and I never knew him.

“Dare to repeat that in English, since you’re being rude and not everybody at the table understands?” I ask, arching a brow.

Kosmo, my eldest brother, glares at me. “You’re stupid, Ines. You’re choosing to leave us and live in Nebraska?” he almost spits the word out, sounding as though he’s disgusted.

I shrug, acting as if I’m unaffected by his words. In actuality, they hurt. Kosmo is the only father-type figure I’ve ever had. To hear him tell me that I’m stupid, or that I’m making a stupid decision, fills me with doubt and pain. If my mama were sitting here, she would slap him upside the head for talking such a way. She’s not here though, she’s working night shift this week.

“She studied hard, Kosmo, are you going to begrudge her an education?” Lola, my second oldest sister asks.

Kosmo grunts and shakes his head. “I could give a fuck what she, or any of you does, as long as you make something of yourselves. Nobody else in this family is wasting time and money, attempting a four-year university. What’s your major, Ines? What are you going to do with your life?”

My bottom lip trembles and I shake my head. “You know I don’t have a major.”

Kosmo throws his napkin on the table and stands, leaning over with anger in his eyes. “You’re the baby. I’ve spoiled you, we’ve all spoiled you way too fucking much and now look at you.” He grunts. I wait for him to continue but he doesn’t, he just storms off.

Lola wraps her hand around mine and gives it a squeeze. “He doesn’t understand what it’s like to be a normal teenager, Ines. You have to understand that we’ve never been normal teens, but we tried to make your childhood and adolescence as normal as possible. You’re doing everything you’re meant to do. Go to Nebraska, freeze your ass off, and have some fucking fun.” She grins.

My other sister, Novia, giggles and my brother, Rio, who is only three years older than me snorts. “She’s right. I had more of a normal childhood than the rest, but I’m a boy, it’s different. We want you to be somebody, Ines. You’re so fucking smart. You got this college shit in the bag,” he chuckles.

I spend the rest of my evening with three out of the four of my siblings. We talk, reminisce, and eat. Tomorrow everything will be different. Tomorrow we’re all driving together to Nebraska. They’re going to drop me off, including Mama. Lola is driving my car while I sit shotgun. Novia and Mama are going to hang in the backseat.

My brothers are taking Kosmo’s truck because they’re smelly boys and we refuse to be cooped up in the tight space with them. I think that I’m more excited about the road trip than anything else.

Then, once they’re gone, my new journey, my new life will begin.

I’m terrified.