Redlining – The maximum engine speed at which the internal combustion engine or traction motor and its components are designed to operate without causing damage to the components themselves or other parts of the engine.
I was surprised at how quickly my winter filled up. I thought for sure I’d get bored at some point but never had the chance. I managed to go play around one weekend at Crystal Mountain with Spencer and Tommy on a pair of snowmobiles, but other than that, I hung around the house and caught up on sleep for a good couple of weeks. Before I knew it, Christmas was there and then soon I was heading east again.
The World of Outlaws started their season in February and then the USAC divisions opened soon after that.
I planned to make every race I could. I needed to be prepared and prepared meant racing anything I could.
I still hadn’t decided on what cars I wanted to run professionally. There were so many options I moved from one division to the next testing my ability in each one.
My brother, like the dumbass I always knew him to be, was planning a wedding. I had nothing against marriage. I didn’t think my brother was the marrying type.
When he was in high school, I was positive he slept with the entire female population and now he was supposedly settling down? I highly doubted that. He and Alley had been together for a few years now but still, it didn’t seem like something he would do. I guess maybe the reservations I held for it had something to do with myself as I couldn’t see tying myself to someone or something other than racing.
Spencer was different though and he loved Alley. That was evident and he never showed any signs of regret.
They got married on January 2, 1999. It was the perfect date for Spencer because he couldn’t forget the date since it was the day after his twenty-second birthday and it was one-two.
At least we knew he could count that high.
Luckily, since I stayed so busy, I hadn’t seen anyone from high school, which was fine by me. I didn’t like any of those assholes anyway except for Tommy and Sway.
On the day of the wedding I walked over to Sway’s house to pick her up. She was my date and I silently hoped she was wearing the same tutu from prom. I smiled to myself thinking of her dancing around in it that night in the tree house.
The cool crisp winter air blew across my face, burning. It had snowed a few nights ago leaving a few patches on the frozen grass along with traces of ice along the sidewalks. Keeping my eyes focused on the pavement so I didn’t slip, I realized I had walked past her house and had to back track. When I got there, the front door was open and I could hear her and Charlie talking in the living room.
“I expect you to take the classes like we discussed, Sway. You can’t follow that boy around forever,” Charlie reproached. “He’s using you.”
I stepped down off the porch and sat down on the steps resting my elbows on my knees.
Was I using her?
Well, yes, I was but I didn’t think it was using. I needed her.
After about five minutes of sitting there, Sway walked out wearing a short black dress with matching heels.
Instantly, I averted my eyes when all I saw were her long lean legs tempting me.
It was going to be a long fucking night.
“How long have you been here?”
“Long enough,” I mumbled.
“You heard?”
“Yeah.”
She sighed sitting beside me, shivered and scooted closer.
“I’m sorry. Jesus, it’s cold.”
“Do you think I’m using you?”
She answered immediately, her voice sure. “No. Not at all. I go because I want to.”
I only nodded and she shivered again. “You should put a coat on or something.”
“I would but I don’t want to go back inside.”
I knew exactly why she didn’t want to go back inside so I slipped out of my jacket and draped it over her shoulders.
“We should get going. I can’t look at your legs much longer without my self-control wavering,” I admitted.
Sway laughed and I smiled. I’d do anything to hear that giggle. “Let’s go to a wedding.”
I FOUND SPENCER once we arrived and gave him my speech. “Are you sure about this?”
I wasn’t much of a best man so luckily he had chosen someone else for that duty. But I did feel it was my place as a brother to offer some words. Good or bad, I offered them.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
“You used to be a slut.”
Spencer shrugged and stared back at me analyzing my expression.
“People change.” His voice seemed to hold some warning but, for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what the hell he was talking about.
It might have had something to do with the fact that I was working on a 6-pack of Coors Light but that wasn’t beside the point.
“How did you know she was the one?”
Spencer dropped down beside me on the couch as we waited for the wedding to begin.
He was a nervous groom. I was the drunken groomsman and we were quite the pair.
“I’m not sure how I knew... she puts up with my shit, and, for the first time, I wanted someone,” he intoned. “I want her, always.”
I listened to him. I couldn’t say much. I’d never felt the way he did. He loved someone and while I had feelings for Sway, I didn’t know what love even meant to me or if I loved anything besides racing.
“Jameson,” Spencer turned to me removing the beer from my hands. “There will come a point when racing isn’t everything to you. Someday, you’ll understand the way you feel about her.”
I’m sure my expression was slightly alarmed that he implied Sway. “It’s not like that with us. We’re just friends.”
Spencer laughed shaking his head and then stood. “Come on, bro, let’s get me hitched!”
THE WEDDING WAS simple. Alley planned everything perfectly with the help of Emma. Spencer didn’t have to do anything, which was a good fucking thing because you couldn’t expect him to do much of anything at a wedding besides be there and say, “I do.”
Sway and Emma were Alley’s bridesmaids. I spent more time staring at Sway in her dress than listening to what the preacher said because she looked absolutely beautiful. It wasn’t fair to Alley to have someone like Sway standing next to her, that wasn’t for sure.
I started to get antsy standing up there when the words were finally spoken, “Spencer James Riley, do you take this woman to be your wife?”
To my surprise, his response was a tad emotional, “Yes.”
“Do you, Allison Nicole Dailey, take this man to be your husband?”
She said yes, they kissed, everyone cheered and the reception was underway, so was I with the open bar.
I don’t know why I felt I needed to drink, I just did. My dad noticed around my fifth beer while I glared in Cooper’s direction as he danced with Sway.
That was another thing I couldn’t understand. Why was I so jealous over this? When someone else besides me touched her, I got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and a tight pain in my chest.
“What are you doing over here?” he asked over the blaring music. “Why aren’t you tearing it up out there on the dance floor with your girl? I know you got moves kid.”
“My girl?”
“Sway... she’s your girl,” he slurred.
Judging by his appearance, I wasn’t sure I wanted his advice tonight. He had just flew in from Australia this morning so I gathered he was jet lagged but he looked as though he’d had too much whiskey.
“She’s not my girl, Dad,” I snapped cracking open another beer.
No, she wasn’t my girl. I had no claim to her but, for some reason, I wanted to. I wanted to be the one out there holding her.
Dad snatched the beer away. “You’re not of age, give that to me.”
“Since when have you ever worried about me drinking? If I remember correctly, you gave me my first beer.”
“Yeah, well I’m clearly not a good role model.” He held up his glass and tilted his head at Sway. “You’ve learned nothing when it comes to treating women with respect.”
That pissed me off. My eyes that had once focused on Sway shot to his.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
There was a double meaning behind his words and both meanings pissed me off, probably because it was true.
“You know all these tracks you go to and fuck around at?” he arched his eyebrow at me setting my beer down on the table in front of us. I watched as Cooper pulled Sway closer for a slow dance.
“What are you talking about?”
“You dumbass... those women, those trophy girls... yeah, well, when I come around they want to know why my son hasn’t called.”
“And you say?”
“He’s an asshole.”
“Hmmm,” I reached for the beer again, this time he let me have it. “At least you’re not lying.”
Jimi stood and cracked his neck to one side.
“Go rescue her from him. There’s something not right about Cooper,” he motioned toward Sway.
Cooper’s hands were dangerously low and it made my stomach drop.
I could be that guy right now if I pulled my head out of my ass. She did deserve better. I was an asshole.
I watched for a while before retreating. They seemed to be having fun and when he bent down to kiss her, I hated the jealous feeling raging through me, so I left. My brother’s wedding was the last place I needed to cause a scene.
I HADN’T SEEN Jameson for most of the reception but, when I did, I was surprised at his rigid posture and defiant stare in my direction.
He came toward me but instead of coming where we were all gathered dancing, he bypassed us all and headed for the bar. I tried to grab him but he shook me off and reached over the bar taking the bottle of Jack Daniels and left out the back entrance.
It didn’t take long to find him. He was leaning next to the wall, his jacket thrown over his shoulder and the white sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up to his elbows.
“I should have told you he’d be here.”
“Don’t apologize. You did nothing wrong,” he sighed with closed eyes taking a drink straight from the bottle and then sliding down the wall to sit on the cold pavement.
I contemplated sitting next to him but decided against it in this dress and the cold ground.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” he answered.
“Is this about what Charlie said?”
“No.”
“Cooper?”
“No.”
“You’re lying.”
“Yeah, well, I’m an asshole so I guess maybe I’m a liar, too.”
“You don’t always have to be an asshole. And being a liar is up to you but that’s not us.”
He simply grunted in reply and kicked his legs out to lean further back against the wall.
This was my fault. I shouldn’t have agreed to dance with Cooper but, then again, I couldn’t figure out why that was even a big deal.
Was he jealous? Nah, that couldn’t be it. I thought Jameson wasn’t the jealous type.
“So it’s not Charlie, it’s not Cooper... is it me?”
He threw his arms up in the air in frustration.
“I’m... I’m... It’s nothing!” he snapped causing me to jump. “Drop it.”
We sat in silence for a few minutes before he sighed with a growl and pulled his knees up.
“I’m sorry,” he sighed, seeming even more annoyed. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m frustrated with a lot of things right now. It’s not you though.”
I shrugged. I’d been on the receiving end of his temper tantrums long enough to know it wasn’t me. I should have been pissed but, then again, I didn’t take it personally. He meant absolutely nothing by it.
I never did figure out where all the moodiness came from but within a few hours and half the bottle of Jack Daniels, we found ourselves back on the dance floor, together this time. Jameson could barely stand, let alone dance, so he spent most of the time with me holding him up.
I don’t know why I let him take his frustrations out on me but if I had to guess these days, it was because to me that wasn’t what friends were for. If he couldn’t show frustration to me, who could he show it to? To me, that was the best friend I could ever ask for. He was one I could vent to and he understood. He was one who never asked questions and was simply there because they wanted to be. That was us.
As winter passed, I found myself at Volusia Speedway, for the sprint car DIRTcar Nationals and then it was onto Ocala, Florida, for the USAC Sprint season opener in February with the rest of my team including Sway.
Judging by the conversation I’d heard from Charlie, Sway wouldn’t be traveling as much and by mid-summer, she’d missed an entire month of racing including the Knoxville Nationals and the Kings Royal which were two sprint car events she loved to attend.
It wasn’t the same without her. I found myself turning to other women in the hopes that they provided a blanket for the pain but it did nothing; it only made me feel worse and guilty but I still turned to them. And it was easy.
I didn’t even have to try. When the race was over, they were all over me. They knew what they wanted and I just wanted relief. They never asked questions and never expected anything from me. It was almost like a silent agreement and it worked well with my lifestyle.
My season started out shitty, got shittier, and then ended shitty. It was, by far, the worst season I’d ever run but I took comfort in knowing all the frontrunners struggled, too. I ended up third in the Silver crown division, we struggled constantly with the asphalt tracks and when half the races are on asphalt—it did nothing for our points.
I did better in the midgets and ended up second in points but the sprint cars I placed fifth. I was not pleased with that at all. I was pissed actually.
I still raced in everything I could and won quite a bit but it wasn’t enough. It seemed that besides the asphalt tracks we struggled on the dry-slick as well. By winter, we did some serious re-structuring and even switched manufacturers of a few parts.
Something wasn’t right and I didn’t feel that my driving ability had dropped off because I could still compete at the same level in the Outlaw sprints, late models and the occasional modified.
Top five finishes in all three divisions wasn’t bad but I was a perfectionist and hated losing.
Justin and Tyler felt the same way, so on the way back from Turkey Night, that I lost once again, this time to Justin, we vented.
“I can’t believe this fucking season!” I griped. “I’ve never raced this horribly.”
“I feel your pain, man,” Tyler said. “I think I destroyed ten cars this season and a few concrete walls.”
“Yeah, well,” Justin began tossing his bag in the overhead compartment on the plane we were boarding. “I got more fines than both you put together.”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Justin,” I taunted. “You should have learned pushing a USAC official.”
“Yeah, like you?” he countered sitting down next to me.
He may have beaten me in fines but that was only because I harassed them in ways I didn’t get caught. It seemed that I spent more time defending my actions on the track than I did racing, but when you’re having luck like our team was and sponsors began breathing down your neck, you tend to get a little fired up at times. Those who didn’t understand that clearly didn’t understand the pressures put upon us.
“You are so full of shit, Riley,” Justin pushed my shoulder. “My foot slipped off the throttle, I swear!” he mimicked in a deep voice he tried to push off as mine.
My voice was hardly deep, crackly at times, but not deep.
“I don’t sound like that. I still maintain my foot slipped.”
“Can I get you boys anything to drink?” a flight attendant asked us politely.
“Beers... keep ‘em coming honey,” Justin teased with her.
We all ordered non-alcoholic drinks because she checked our damn IDs.
I leaned back and relaxed, needing the alone time. It didn’t stop me from checking my phone once more, hoping to see a text or voicemail from Sway and she didn’t disappoint.
S: There’s always next year buddy. I have a beer waiting for you.
I smiled and sent a text before the plane departed.
J: Thanks. See you soon.
I couldn’t wait to see Sway. The last time I saw her was toward the end of October and I missed her.
She was finishing finals for her freshman year at Western. I wasn’t sure I could take another three years like this one. If her not being with me had an impact on the way my racing would be affected without her, then I was fucked. I knew she couldn’t continue to travel and go to school and something had to give this season, for both of us.
When I got home that night from seeing Jameson and the rest of the Riley family, Charlie was waiting up.
By the grim expression on his face, I knew what was coming.
“You need to get your head out of your ass, Sway. If you’re going to do this, finish it. If not, follow him around but I guarantee you he won’t see you for who you are,” his voice continued to rise with each word. “I didn’t raise a pit lizard!”
I didn’t know what to say to that, what could I say?
I was acting and behaving like a pit lizard. When he called, I came running. I blew off finals, I stood up friends, anything if he needed me.
Something had to give and I knew what it was… me. I couldn’t be in two places at once and it wasn’t fair to Jameson for me to promise to be there and then not show. He didn’t deserve that and I couldn’t handle the guilt any longer.
I loved him but yet I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t tell him simply because I knew how he felt. I was a distraction to him and he needed to focus. Last season was a prime example.
I watched highlights from the races I wasn’t at and heard about the temper tantrums and the girls. This wasn’t my best friend but that somehow had something to do with me. There were times that I thought maybe he might have some feelings but then he’d pull away. I don’t think Jameson knew what he wanted, besides racing.
Alley told me he checked his phone more than anything, called non-stop, and when I was there, he finally focused.
That meant something, right?
Some could view this as him having feelings but I knew Jameson well enough to know that wasn’t the case. He depended on me because I was the one person who could keep him at ease. But I also had my dad to think about.
He wanted me to take over at Grays Harbor eventually as he had no one else to do it and I couldn’t let him down.
Charlie had worked so hard for so long to build Grays Harbor into the facility it was and I couldn’t let him throw all that away. That track meant more to us than we could ever really express. When he was broken, racing put him back together, that track put him together. I couldn’t let him down so I made the decision to focus on school. I wasn’t sure how the hell I was going to make it away from my family for so long but I tried to be a big girl about it, tried. It didn’t work out so well when I saw Jameson the night before I left to go to Bellingham for winter quarter.
“When did she tell you that?” I demanded of Spencer.
We were standing inside the sprint car shop in Elma and I set the torsion bar down. I was far too unstable to be holding something capable of destroying anything. I had been in here all morning avoiding my family and everyone else.
“She told Alley and I overheard,” Spencer sat down on a rear tire crossing his arms over his chest. “It was too hard for her last season... you can’t expect her to travel with us forever. Like you said, she’s not your girlfriend.”
“What exactly did she say?”
“Just that she’s leaving for Bellingham. In order to graduate in three years she has to finish up there. Her online classes weren’t working out real well.”
I knew this was going to happen but it pissed me off to no end that she didn’t tell me first. I thought we were best friends and now I have to find out from my fucking brother that when I leave in a few weeks she’s not coming with me?
I spent the rest of the day out there afraid to be around anyone but myself.
Sway came over that night and one look at her flushed distraught appearance and I couldn’t stay mad.
We sat in silence on my bed for a while before I sighed. I had to get it over with and it had been eating at me all day.
“Spencer said you aren’t coming,” I mumbled, my stomach knotted at the thought. I was surprised I got the words out.
“That fucking brat,” she said shaking her head defeated.
“So, it’s true?”
“No. I mean, yes, it’s true. I can’t go with you guys but I wanted to tell you myself not have that ape tell you.”
Hanging my head my eyes dropped to my hands. “When do you leave for Bellingham?”
“Tomorrow.”
Nodding, I reached for her and pulled her into a tight hug and moved to lay down on my bed holding her. I nearly cried. I could feel the tears sting my eyes but I held my own, barely. My self-control was wavering when she burst into tears and clung to my sweatshirt.
“I’m sorry, I just...”
I silenced her cries with my lips for a quick kiss and pulled away before I gave in and kissed her the way I wanted to, did the things I wanted to. “Don’t apologize.”
“I just... I want to be there with you guys. You guys are my family and now I’m traveling to Bellingham alone. I don’t even know anyone up there,” she wailed.
“It’s all right, honey. I can come see you when I can. I’ll fly out there or something,” I reassured her. “I think maybe July might be fairly open so I’ll skip a few races.”
“No,” she shook her head. “You can’t do that. You made this decision to race and I will not settle for you doing this half-assed. You want to be the best, you have to work hard.”
I knew that but the thought of her alone up there was killing me.
We eventually stopped talking and fell asleep like that on my bed. I held her the entire night hoping that offered a sense of comfort for her. I knew then that she didn’t want to leave and not come with me but it was, once again, Sway choosing someone else’s needs over her own. I was furious with Charlie that he was making her go to college. What if she didn’t want to work for him? He never gave her an option and I hated that. At least with me, I asked her if she wanted to come. I may have thrown a fit when she didn’t but I still asked. Charlie told her what she’d be doing and assumed that was what she wanted.
When it was time to say goodbye, she was an emotional basket case and, like everything else, I held it in, afraid that if I allowed myself to feel, it would break me.
“It takes a tough person to do what you do... don’t second-guess yourself,” Sway choked over her tears.
“I won’t,” I mumbled.
I had yet to look into her eyes. My own were fixated on my hands fumbling with the hole in my jeans as I sat on the porch.
“Just don’t forget that. Remember why you’re doing this.”
I nodded pulling her into a tight hug. I said nothing else but when I got home that afternoon, I sent her a text.
J: See you in Eldora.
The next time we would get to see each other was three months away. I had a feeling this wasn’t going to work and when the season opener for the USAC sprint cars opened in Ocala the following week and I wrecked, it was confirmed.
It didn’t help that a new driver, Brad Wheeler, tangled with me every lap and then finally clipped my right rear sending me flying into the catch fence.
I was not happy.
When USAC suspended me for two races, I lost it at the hotel room that night.
I destroyed everything in that hotel room. I couldn’t stop.
The thought that Sway wasn’t there any longer was maddening to me and being suspended was the cake topper. I couldn’t control myself. I even went so far as punching my own brother when he got in the way of that Wheeler fucker and me earlier in the night.
An hour later, I sat there curled up on the floor of the shower, my knuckles bleeding. I was almost positive a few bones were broken in my hand but, then again, I couldn’t feel the pain. I could only feel the constant ache thinking of her alone at college without me but worst of all, me without her.
That night while the water washed away the debris from my engine failure, I contemplated not racing anymore. I did. For the first time in my career, I thought maybe this wasn’t for me.
In the morning, when I was testing in Lernerville with a broken hand, I realized why I could never quit racing.
Comparing Sway to an engine, she’s the oil and what holds me together and keeps me running smoothly but racing makes up my engine. It’s the pistons, the bearings, the values and the headers.
Without racing, there would be nothing for her to lubricate and I wouldn’t be a running engine. It’s all I’ve ever known and will ever know because that was me. Even though I had been running in the red for years, my engine had finally blown.
I knew the first step to a rebuild of an engine failure.
Now was the time to tear it apart and figure out where the mechanical failure had gone wrong in the first place and then rebuild it. I needed to drain the coolant, disconnect all the hoses and start from scratch.