Loading – Weight at a given tire position on a car due to aerodynamics, vehicle weight and lateral G-forces in a turn.
Graduation day finally arrived.
My only thought was that I would be free. No more wondering when I could leave this shady Northwest town and pursue my dreams, this was it. I would be able to do what I’ve been working for all these years which is to run all three series in the USAC divisions.
I decided I was going to race Bucky’s car for him in the USAC Midget Series and then I would get seat time in both the USAC Silver Crown and Sprint Car divisions with the car dad gave me with the sponsorship help from Bowman Oil.
This wouldn’t pay for everything but it helped. Dad agreed to provide the cars but I had to pay for what sponsorship didn’t cover.
I had money saved up from my winnings over the years in the various races and, of course, mom deposited money in my checking account, which I hated, but to make this dream come true, you needed money. Racing ain’t cheap.
My dad provided a few cars and a hauler for us to use but everything else I had to take care of.
Even with my dad’s help, it’s impossible to do this on your own so this left me searching for more sponsorship; sponsorship he could help me find.
Once we found sponsorship to help us then this goes back to exposure for the sponsor.
How much exposure could I provide them?
You have to sell the product for them. You need to show positive publicity and win. The more you win, the more exposure they get, in turn, this promotes sales for them.
Here’s the thing though, when you’re seventeen, you don’t care about any of that. You just want to race. You don’t give a shit about the expectations they put on you or that glaring spotlight from the media. But I tell you what, that harsh criticism stings each time you have a bad night at the track.
You were there to race and that was all that matters.
When you had a sponsorship, that wasn’t all that mattered anymore. Suddenly it becomes a job. Something you did for fun became your means of income and something you were expected to do, and do well.
You were essentially a puppet for them.
My plan was to leave that weekend. We graduated on Wednesday night. I left right after graduation that night to make a race in Cottage Grove and then was back in town by Saturday night for our graduation party. Come Monday morning the following week, we were heading to the Midwest.
Cottage Grove ran on Friday so it was before the graduation party Spencer forced me to have since mom and dad were leaving right after the race that night to make it to Williams Grove for a race dad was scheduled for.
I stopped by the track to see Sway after I got into town Saturday. She didn’t come with me to Cottage Grove so I was anxious to see her. I didn’t ask anyone to come with me to Cottage Grove besides Spencer because, really, I wanted to be alone. I needed time to think not that Spencer allowed that. Next time I knew not to invite him.
Once I got to Elma, I thought about hauling out my car and gaining some seat time but I decided against it and opted to watch. It’d be good to have a little break before my schedule was so tight I could barely make it from city to city.
Approaching the fence at Grays Harbor Raceway and hooking my fingers through the chain links, I thought back on the first race I ever raced here.
I watched closely as my dad used the same techniques he’d taught me over the years to pass in a spinning drift off the corners and then bouncing his right rear off the outside cushion to get that added boost needed to slide past Shey Evans.
Dad always made it look so effortless.
“Will I ever be as good as you?” I asked myself silently.
I heard gravel crunching behind me before Sway appeared and leaned against the fence beside me.
“You already are.” She answered my silent question.
The corner of my mouth twitched into a smile knowing she knew exactly what I was thinking. Turning away from the track, I sat down with my back against the chain link fence. When the cars would roar out of turn two, the dirt sprayed past us throwing chunks of mud over our heads.
“You nervous?” Sway asked after a moment of silence. She had a larger chunk of mud between her hands, rolling it through her fingertips.
“I wouldn’t say I’m nervous, anxious, I guess.”
For so long I knew exactly what I wanted, but it never crossed my mind that wanting something and needing something are two different things. Just because I wanted this didn’t mean I needed this. Did I want this lifestyle forever?
I thought I did. I knew I did. There was no question I wanted to race.
Sway smiled patting my knee. “You were meant to do this,” she told me smiling. It was like we always had some unspoken language with each other.
When the races got underway, I made my way into the grandstands, my hood pulled over my head. I knew if the locals recognized me, they would be hounding me. The metal bleachers were filled with local diehard fans, kids squirming around in their parent’s arms, teenagers strolling, and women with barely any clothes on.
I glanced around for Sway but couldn’t find her. I wanted to watch with her but I knew she was busy. Usually on the weekly races, she was kept busy with making sure all the drivers signed in and staffed the ticket booth at the pit entrance.
Two rows down, I could hear an older man talking with his buddy next to him, who I later recognized as Travis Shin. He paid in pennies each week to get into the weekly races.
“You hear Riley’s kid is leaving town?”
“Did you really expect a kid like that to race here forever?” the man chuckled. “His kid’s got more talent than all ya’ll out here put together.”
“You’re right man, he’ll go far.”
I shook my head, leaning back on my elbows, my feet kicked out on the metal bench in front of me. I’ll never understand why everyone had so much faith in me. I was a seventeen-year-old kid. Sure, I had talent, but what made them see greatness out of me?
“How’s it feel?” I heard Charlie’s rough low voice from behind. “I don’t think I’ve seen ya in the stands since you were just a little guy running around with skinned up knees.”
“Yeah, it’s a strange feeling.”
He took a seat beside me when the heats ended and throngs of people headed for the concessions.
“We’re gonna miss you around here.” Charlie looked the direction of the pits.
I swallowed, nodding my head.
“It will always be my home track,” I offered.
Charlie nodded as well. “I know.”
We sat in the stands for the remainder of the heat races and features.
Before long, fans were leaving, cars and haulers were loading up, and eventually the lingering drivers left. Even after the lights in the infield went black, we still never said a word, just stared into the blackness.
When I stood to leave, he pulled me into a tight hug, “Take care of yourself kid and, remember, I’m trusting you with my daughter. Take care of her.”
I wasn’t much of a hugger but I wrapped my arms around him.
“I will.”
I asked Charlie about a month ago if it would be all right if Sway came with Spencer and me. After a two-week debate, he finally agreed.
I left after that and headed home to where I knew our house would be teeming with high school graduates. I was looking forward to letting loose one last time with everyone but I also couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of here.
Pulling down our long circle driveway, I laughed. Spencer must have invited the entire fucking high school, and then some. Walking inside, I realized I had no idea who half the people were. I knew Sway though and found her off in the corner dancing with Tommy to some rap song. They appeared to be having a good time so, instead of interrupting them, I made my way into the kitchen to grab a beer.
Another thirty minutes later and three more beers... I was stumbling into the living room, once again, to find Sway and Tommy. Tommy excused himself to find his girlfriend while Sway threw her arms around my neck.
Sway and I had danced before but this time we were drunk and I was horny, very horny.
So, when Bust a Move came playing through the speakers I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her against me.
“Dance with me.” My hands reached down and cupped her ass pulling her against me.
“You are so drunk,” she slurred against my shoulder wrapping her arms around my neck.
“I know,” was my only answer as we moved to the pulsing beat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Chelsea come through the door but, being impaired by alcohol, I kept Sway in my arms.
Sway didn’t seem to notice and just bounced around in my arms dancing to the music.
Chelsea hadn’t seemed to notice me—how she couldn’t have noticed was beyond me—it was my house. Maybe she thought I was still in Cottage Grove... either way, she didn’t notice me.
An hour later Sway was passed out on my bed so I planned on sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was far too horny to sleep next to her.
Stumbling down the hall, I entered the guest bedroom to see a couple going at it. Averting my eyes, I mumbled “sorry,” when I caught a glimpse of the girl.
Chelsea.
“Shit, Jameson, you could knock!” Colby shouted covering her with a pillow. It was too late. I already saw it was her.
I laughed.
“Funny you should say that Colby, it’s my fucking house!” I barked slamming the door shut.
Not wanting to be bothered and knowing Sway was far too gone to bother me, I went back into my room and fell asleep on the floor. I was amazed I could sleep, I thought this would bother me but it wasn’t anywhere near the anger I felt when I found out Sway slept with Dylan. I didn’t understand why, but this confirmed my theory that I felt nothing toward Chelsea. I wanted happiness for Sway, whereas, Chelsea, I didn’t care.
I always knew she was messing around with other guys but I never thought it would be someone I knew. I think that was what bothered me the most. Yeah, I never showed much interest in Chelsea, but Colby knew we’d been seeing each other. I couldn’t even call Chelsea and me together though. It was more about the occasional encounter.
THE NEXT MORNING, the day before we left, I was in my room packing when Sway came strolling in holding a bowl of cereal.
“When do you leave?” she asked throwing herself down on the bed.
I laughed. She was dressed in one of my t-shirts and sweat pants that were entirely too large for her.
I grinned. Charlie and I hadn’t told her yet.
“What do you mean me... you’re coming with me.”
I heard the clank of her spoon when she dropped it in the bowl and turned around.
Her wide eyes caused me to laugh. “What? When were you going to ask me?” her expression turned sour.
“What do you mean ask—I thought you wanted to come?”
“Well, yeah... but you could have asked me first.” She huffed. “Like Charlie will ever agree to it. I start college in the fall.”
I didn’t forget. I knew she had a full scholarship to Western but I was hoping she would delay starting for a little while. I knew I could do this but I didn’t want to without her.
Sitting beside her on the bed, I fumbled with my racing gloves in my lap pulling the Velcro back and forth. “I already asked Charlie two weeks ago. He said yes.”
Sway glared arching her eyebrow at me. “Did he now... and when were you going to ask me?”
“I’ll ask now if you want.”
“Yes, yes, ask me.” She motioned with her hands for me to continue.
“Uh... so do I get down on my knee?”
She glared. “This isn’t a marriage proposal, asshole. Just ask.”
“Sway,” I grinned. “Will you come with me?”
She contemplated for a moment and then sighed heavily rolling her eyes. “I guess so.”
“Wow, try to control your excitement a little. It’s overwhelming.”
Despite her sarcasm and lack of enthusiasm, I knew she was excited. Sway loved road trips about as much as she loved flip flops. This was a lot by the way.
Giddy about the potential road trip, she left to go pack as well.
Not more than five minutes after she left, Chelsea showed up. I’m sure Spencer let her in which pissed me off. I specifically told him not to.
She knocked and walked in like she owned the place, which I’m sure she thought she did after last night.
“Where were you last night?” she asked smiling at me from the same spot on my bed Sway was just sitting. “I called you last night. When did you get home?”
“Really?” I laughed darkly. “Was that before or after you fucked Colby?”
Her eyes widened in surprise.
“I... uh... how did you... I thought you were in Cottage Grove?”
“So, you thought I was in Oregon and fucked my brother’s best friend, in my house?” I hedged. I turned around to lean against my dresser with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I’m sorry... I just...” she stammered bringing out the tears.
“Don’t act like you’re sorry.” I snapped stepping closer to her. “I knew you fucked around but in my house...” I shook my head. “That’s low even for you.”
She reached for me but I shook my head and stepped back.
“I’m sorry. Please let’s talk about it.” She begged pleading with her reddened eyes.
I looked at her finally. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why I was ever with her.
“There’s nothing to talk about,” I finally said evenly.
“What do you mean there’s nothing to talk about?”
“That’s exactly what I mean.” The fact that I was moderately calm about this confirmed my theory that I felt nothing for her. She tacked on the name girlfriend to our relationship but then she felt it was okay to sleep around when I was gone. She had another think coming if that was her theory on all this.
“So, that’s it...” She laughed sarcastically. “You know, Jameson, it’s not like you’re perfect. I know you slept with Sway.”
“What are you talking about?” I scoffed. “I’ve never slept with Sway.”
“You did last night... I saw her leave this morning.”
I let out a sarcastic laugh. “You know, Chelsea,” I stepped closer to her so she could feel my breath against her face. Reaching up, I angled her chin up to look me in the eye. “It is possible to sleep in the same room with someone of the opposite sex and not fuck them... but you wouldn’t know how to do that, would you?”
Her eyes flashed anger.
“Fuck you, Jameson!” she shouted pulling away. “Fuck you and your racing! You’re never going to make it out east with that temper of yours. You’ll fuck it all up.”
I laughed despite the anger raging inside me. I wasn’t sure what else to do. She knew goddamn well I would make it. Undisputable, my anger could potentially be a problem but she was trying to piss me off.
She then decided to up the sermonizing by adding, “You’re always going to be considered Jimi’s kid. I’m not stupid either, you can deny it all you want but I know you’ve been fucking around with Sway.”
Never in my life had I wanted to hit a woman like I did right then. Not only was she knocking my skills on the track, but she was accusing me of something I didn’t do. Wanted to, but didn’t.
“Don’t turn this around on me, Chelsea.” I yelled after her as she stormed out of my room, my fist connected with my bedroom wall. The gaping hole in the sheetrock confirmed my anger problem was still present. I would need to work on that.
Surprisingly, once she left, I went about packing again as if nothing happened.
Trying to pack proved to be difficult because everyone stopped by that day to say goodbye to me. Some were enjoyable and others were not.
Tommy cried, actually cried, and then when I told him to meet us in Vegas, he was fine again. Tommy knew sprint cars and he specifically knew setups. I needed him.
Cooper stopped by and that was awkward because we hadn’t talked since I found out he had slept with Sway.
He said he’d come watch races when he could and to keep in touch. I said I would but I wasn’t sure that I would. I seemed to guard myself with anyone who showed an interest in Sway. I know now why I did, but back then, I didn’t.
I nearly lost all control when my mom came for a visit. She spent most of the time in tears and crying about her baby boy leaving home and some shit about a nest and birds and I frankly stopped listening at one point until she started to make sense.
“Don’t forget where you came from.” She told me pulling me into a hug, an excessive amount of tears falling from her eyes. “Above all else, do this because you want to not because you can.”
I’m not sure what she meant by that, but I listened. I think.
The next was Spencer.
I always felt bad… what Spencer and Emma wanted was usually put on the back burner because of my racing.
“We do this because we love it.” Was all they ever said to me when helping me out at the track. When it came down to it, they loved their odd jobs with my makeshift team. Emma had the negotiation skills of a great debater and Spencer could lift a fucking Buick if needed.
They were perfect to have around.
Emma on the other hand, I refused to let her come. Yeah, she graduated early with us but she was also sixteen. I didn’t want that type of responsibility. I could handle Spencer and I could handle Emma, but not together. They fed off each other and I was the only normal one, stuck in the middle.
Later that night, as I expected, when dad arrived home from Grand Rapids, he made his way inside my room.
He didn’t say anything for a good ten minutes and when he did speak, it was quiet.
“Is this really what you want?” he asked. “I only ask because you need to think this through. This isn’t about doing something you love anymore. It becomes your entire life.”
I knew what I wanted. I didn’t have to think about it. I’d spent the last seventeen years thinking about it.
“Yes.” My voice was confident and unwavering, just like my decision to leave home.
He sighed with a nod of his head, his tired eyes found mine. “There’s going to come a time in your life when you’d give it all away to feel.”
Huh?
I think he knew this was lost on me, so he continued. “I’ve been in your shoes. I know what you’re feeling ... you think I don’t, but I do,” he said. “It’s not easy to feel and it’s not easy to let a woman love you—at least not one who you are afraid to lose.”
Jimi was always cryptic when speaking. Half the time, us kids had no idea what he was talking about. Now wasn’t any different.
“Someday you’ll understand,” he told me before leaving my room.
I nodded at everything he was telling me. He thought I loved Sway, which I did but not the way he thought. I loved her friendship. I couldn’t see myself loving her any other way. Sure it would be easy to but that wasn’t me. I had no intentions of having that type of relationship with anyone. I didn’t want the responsibility of it. From what I’d seen of relationships, I never wanted that again. They were complicated and required attention, attention I didn’t have.
Right now, all that mattered was seeing how I compared to those beasts from the east.