CHAPTER ONE

Eighteen Years Later

Twenty-Seven Years Old

“I’m worried about you, Trish,” Lex admitted softly, but I didn’t like her tone. When I lifted my head to meet her eyes, I couldn’t stop the sigh that escaped my lips. Her expression was a mixture of concern and pity and I was not in the mood to hear another one of her lectures.

I stood opposite Lex at the center island in her kitchen. As I sliced potatoes, Lex worked on making her special mushroom wine sauce. Lex’s seven year old daughter, Layla, sat diagonal from me on a bar stool while she colored a picture for her daddy and listened to One Direction on her iPod.

Lex’s one year old daughter, Laura, sat in her high chair and also colored a picture for her daddy. Though, Laura did a much better job of breaking the crayons into a million pieces, but it was still cute to watch.

I put my knife down, far away from Layla. Not that I thought she’d do anything crazy with it, but the girl was curious. She was a nut, and if I had to guess, she was going to grow up with a half Lex, half Trish personality.

And with a dad like Landyn… those poor high school boys didn’t stand a chance.

It irritated the crap out of me that Lex had to bring this shit up now; today of all days. I mean, from the moment Lex told me the news of her third pregnancy I became an emotional wreck when I thought of all that was missing from my own life. I didn’t have a family of my own. I didn’t have children, not even the prospect of one.

Kinda need a man for that.

I didn’t have the unconditional love that I craved from a husband or a boyfriend, and I didn’t have any of that because I threw it all away.

And with tonight being the night Lex planned to tell Landyn (her completely obsessive, completely dominant, on the verge of needing therapy, husband of nearly a year and a half) about the pregnancy, the last thing I wanted to hear was pity from my best friend.

It annoyed the shit out of me.

Sure, I’d been on dates since Tony, and some of them were even wonderful, but my heart had been taken two years ago and I couldn’t seem to get it back.

“I’m fine, Lex. Can we please not talk about this right now,” I asked. I crossed my fingers and hoped, for her sake, that she understood the warning in my tone.

I had to admit that I was slightly jealous of my best friend. And when that realization hit, it hit hard. It was tough to accept, but that didn’t make it any less true. To know that I wanted what Lex had, that I wanted the family and the love that she had was a bit… disturbing.

I kept my feelings to myself, of course; only shedding my tears in the privacy of my little garage apartment located on the side of Lex and Landyn’s property.

I practically lived with them.

I needed to move.

I wasn’t necessarily an evil person for being jealous. It was only innocent and I was only human, right? Don’t get me wrong, I wanted Lex to be happy. I wanted nothing more than for my best friend of nearly twenty-three years to be happy and have everything her heart has ever desired.

She deserved it after the horrific things she’d been through; nearly being raped and killed over two years ago by her looney toon ex-boyfriend, Ryan, at the top of the list.

If anyone understood going through something that traumatic, only to have that one person, your soul mate, come into your life and make you forget the ugliness of the past, the way Landyn did for Lex… it was me.

But I didn’t have that anymore.

There was a time in my life when I forgot my past. Tony made me forget everything. He hadn’t even done it intentionally because he didn’t know what I’d been trying so desperately to forget, but he didn’t have to. His love and affection, his possessiveness and tenderness, his greediness of me… consumed me without even trying. I’d been madly in love with him. No, it was more than love. It was an out-of-control, soul-stealing, life-changing, world-rocking, universe-tilting feeling that dug itself so deep into my heart I was terrified I’d never manage to shovel it back out.

I was still in love with him, but I couldn’t have him.

That stung.

“You keep saying you’re fine, Trish, but you’re lying to me and youself, and I don’t like it. You’re not the same anymore. You used to be so full of life… you still are, don’t get me wrong, but you’re different now. I miss the old you,” Lex said gently.

I glared at her. Then I glanced at Layla to make sure she wasn’t listening, but I could hear “Little Things” blaring from her earphones, so I glared at Lex again.

She rolled her eyes and continued, “Remember eighth grade; when you laced Maegan Harrow’s Gatorade with Ex-lax because she called me fat? She started dripping with sweat, her hair was plastered to her neck and face, she was practically twitching in her seat and when she took off running to the restroom, we laughed so hard through Ms. Sanchez’s Science class that we gave ourselves away and got detention for a week?”

“What’s your point?” I asked, but again, she ignored me.

“Remember ninth grade; when Rita the Sperm Cleaner, told the varsity football team that you and I were lesbians and they all laughed and pointed at us in the hallway? During lunch that same day, you dragged my ass to the table where the players sat and you kissed me. You put your hand on my cheek so it covered the view of our mouths to make it look like we were frenching. Then you faced them and said, ‘Not lesbians, boys, we just like to have a good time. Too bad you’re all a bunch of pussies.’ The whole room stared at us, but you still dragged me to Rita’s table. Her eyes were huge because of the show we just gave, and you told her, “Don’t fuck with us again, bitch. You will not win.”

She paused to add ingredients to her sauce.

“Lex,” I warned. Again, she ignored me and spoke as she stirred.

“Remember senior year; when you found out Jacob Geery told Jordan Sisson, that you were a lousy lay, even though you only went on one date with him? You walked up to Jacob at his locker before third period, whispered in his ear that you wanted to show him a good time under the bleachers in the gym. When he turned to slam his locker shut and take you up on your offer, you kicked him in the junk so hard that he fell to his knees and squealed like a girl. We were in tears and I almost peed my pants from laughing so hard. I remember Landyn had to kick Jacob’s ass when he tried to come after you.”

“Lex-” I started, but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

“I have a thousand more stories where those came from, but that’s the Trish I miss.”

“We’re not in high school anymore,” I informed her because she’d clearly forgotten. “Life happens and we have to grow up.”

Her expression softened at my words.

I stiffened.

“I know that, T. If anyone can understand that, I can. Look at me, I got pregnant at eighteen, did some stupid shit and made even worse decisions. I would never expect you to do anything close to what we did back then, but the point I was trying make is that I know you’re not happy. You were so happy back then… so carefree. Even when you and Tony were together--” Lex said, about to start on a subject that was unchartered territory so I backed her ass up and put a stop to it immediately.

“Don’t. I’m warning you, Lex. Do not bring him up right now. I have a lot of shit going on in my head so it’s not a good idea to start with me.” Not to mention, it was highly likely that I’d have a meltdown talking about Tony, but I wasn’t about to tell her that.

I was still heartbroken. Even after two years, I thought about him every day. Knowing that I was the only person to blame for the demise of “Trish and Tony” only made the pain that much harder to endure.

But I didn’t want Tony back; it was too late for that.

I tried for months to call him, to find him, to talk to him, to explain, but it was impossible. He refused to talk to me, he refused to see me, he changed his phone number, and other than having heard the horror stories of his man-whoring skills, he basically fell off the face of the planet.

The feeling of unfinished business between us sat heavy in my stomach and I only prayed that, one day, I’d get the chance to make things right with him. Maybe when or if that ever happened, I’d finally get over him.

Forever.

“Trish--” Lex started a-freanin-gain.

“Just drop it. Let’s finish making dinner and start decorating so you and Landyn can celebrate the new baby news. I’m begging you,” I said softly. She was only being a good friend, I knew that, but now was not the time. By the angry scowl and narrowed eyes, I knew she didn’t like it, but she nodded anyway.