On Friday night, Lana was ready early. She had dropped Matthew off at Samantha’s house earlier that evening, and then raced home to change her clothes. She hadn’t been sure what to wear, since she didn’t know if they were going to a nice restaurant or to a casual chain. She finally settled on a pair of black slacks and a deep purple sweater, and hoped for the best. If he showed up in a tuxedo, she was in trouble.
Oh hell, she thought. She was already in trouble. Despite everything between them, her attraction to this man had only grown. She no longer had the luxury of assuming that said attraction was one-sided, which worried her more. The only time he had touched her was wrapped up in all sorts of baggage from her past, and she had been able to largely ignore the fact that he had touched her by freaking out about Daniel. But now… Oh God. Now if he touched her, in the way that an interested man touches an interested woman, she would be hard-pressed to pull away. And that was a problem.
Lana’s head told her firmly that there was no way that a man like Jarrod Marshall would be interested in a woman like Lana Carson for anything more than a quick roll in the hay. She carried a steamship full of baggage, and a normal relationship with her would be way too complicated, not just because of Daniel, but also because Jarrod was her boss. She had no illusions that tonight would be about anything other than a long lecture on how she should relate to her former in-laws, and some threatened ramifications if she didn’t behave as he expected her to. There was nothing romantic about the night. Still, she sensed that Jarrod could push things in that direction, given any encouragement at all. So she couldn’t encourage him, she thought. She needed to keep things cool and professional at all times.
When Lana opened the door to Jarrod at exactly 6:00, her resolve was immediately tested. Oh crap, she thought. In a suit, this man was intimidatingly handsome. In a pair of black trousers and a grey sweater, he was deadly.
“Hi.” His eyes tangled with hers, causing her stomach to flutter.
“Um. Hi.”
He grinned then, clearly aware of the effect he was having on her breathing. “Are you inviting me in?” he teased.
Lana’s resolve returned with a vengeance. “Absolutely not.”
“You’re obviously way smarter than I am,” he replied softly. “Or hungrier.”
Lana laughed then. “Possibly hungrier.” She turned and grabbed her jacket from the chair next to the door, joined him on the porch, and locked the door carefully behind her. Saying no more, she slipped her key into her purse and turned toward the stairs. Quietly, she walked with him to his car and waited while he unlocked and opened the passenger side for her.
“Where is Matthew?”
“Inside, binge-watching the entire first season of Criminal Minds,” she replied.
When he raised his eyebrows at her, she rolled her eyes. “He’s at my sister’s home. I’m really not that bad of a mom, Jarrod.”
He ignored her. “I made reservations at the Alpine. Will that suit you?”
Lana nodded. She could probably eat paste right now and not notice, but she politely responded, “That’s fine.”
“Relax, Lana.”
But this was feeling more and more serious, at least to Lana. She’d be fine if this were work-related, but going out to dinner with her boss to discuss personal issues did not fall anywhere on her comfort scale. Particularly since that boss was looking at her with interest, and her own attraction to the man was only growing. Dangerous, she thought. This was dangerous, at least to her.
When they arrived at the restaurant, Jarrod was greeted by name, and they were immediately seated at an intimately lighted table in the back of the restaurant. Jarrod held Lana’s chair for her, then slid into the chair across from her, his long legs brushing hers, retreating, then coming back to gently settle against her knees.
Just the touch of his leg against hers was enough to cause a wave of heat to rush through her bloodstream. She wanted to pull back, but there was no room, and the way that Jarrod was looking at her across the table had her pulse beating so rapidly that she was sure he could see it.
“Relax, sweetheart,” he said again.
“Mr. Marshall…”
“It’s Jarrod.”
She closed her eyes in frustration, then opened them and reached for her water glass. “Please. Just tell me why we’re here.”
Jarrod reached over and put his hand over hers, the warmth of his palm settling over the cold of her fist.
“Let’s order, then we can talk. Would you like wine?’
“Yes please.”
“Red or white?”
“I prefer red.”
“Good. I do too. May I choose for us?”
“Of course.”
With that, Jarrod pulled back his hand and opened the extensive list of wines offered by the bottle, finally selecting a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon to share. While the waiter disappeared to fetch the wine he had chosen, they quietly perused the menu, both deciding on the special of the evening – a vegetarian linguini with a salad. Once the waiter had taken their orders and had poured their wine, Jarrod again reached over and covered her hand with his.
“Thanks for coming tonight.”
She laughed lightly. She tried to pull her hand away, but he gently tightened his grip. She looked up at him in frustration then. “I wasn’t aware that I had a choice.”
Jarrod was silent for a moment before conceding, “OK, maybe I came on a little strong.”
“Maybe a little.”
“Still, I appreciate this.” He sighed and released her hand, running his fingers lightly over her arm before he pulled his hand back. He took a sip of his wine, then said, “Look, I want to talk to you about Rachel and Frank.”
Lana nodded, setting her wine down and leaning back slightly in her chair. Her leg moved away from Jarrod’s, and he immediately moved his to reestablish the connection.
“Mr. Marshall,” she went to admonish him, but he just shook his head. “Jarrod. Even at work, my employees call me by my first name. Try it, Lana.”
She settled her hands in her lap and ignored him. “Rachel and Frank?”
His gaze held hers for a long moment, as if promising her that this was a subject they’d return to, but then started to speak. “Until I started trying to find you, none of us had any idea that you’d left Daniel. Or that the two of you were divorced.”
“Everything was done legally and completely,” she assured him. “But you all know about it now, so what’s the issue?”
“I haven’t told them anything about what you’ve told me, Lana. About being afraid of him. About the restraining order.”
Lana’s eyes shot to his. She had never mentioned the restraining order to him, and while it wasn’t a secret, it still felt like a huge invasion of privacy that he knew so damn much about her life. And yet he still held onto some deep-rooted belief that Daniel’s portrayal of her and their life together had been accurate.
“Your private investigator did a good job,” she finally whispered.
“I’d rather you didn’t mention it to them yet, Lana,” Jarrod continued as if she hadn’t spoken, his eyes holding hers. “His parents are sweet people, and they are still coming to terms that you’re here and that they have a grandchild. I understand if you eventually tell them more, but for tomorrow, please try not to say anything to hurt them.”
Lana looked straight into Jarrod’s eyes. “I’m not going to lie to them, Mr. Marshall. But if Daniel’s parents are as kind as you describe, you have nothing to worry about.”
As the food arrived at their table, Jarrod took a moment to study the woman seated across from him. She seemed vulnerable in so many ways, and yet also so strong. His attraction to her was growing – the way she defended her son, the way she interacted with his staff at the office, even the way she refused to talk to him about Daniel, insisting that his parents had more of a right to the information than he did. She was right, he knew. He was deliberately trying to assuage the guilt he felt over not being there for Daniel when he was needed. Even as he told himself to stay away from her, he wanted to know more.
He moved his legs so that one of hers was nestled firmly between his, watching her face flush with the deliberate contact. God, he wanted her. Wanted to wipe the vulnerability from her face, to protect her from whatever it was that made her so fearful of him when they were alone. The desire he was feeling for her was only growing, surprising him more than it did her since he had been so sure that he would barely be able to tolerate this woman who had married his best friend. He hadn’t felt this level of need before, and when his gaze dropped to her lips, her cheeks flushed even brighter.
She straightened up in her chair and placed her napkin into her lap, pulling her legs back until they were flush with her chair. He reached out his hand, circling the flesh of her knuckles with his thumb. When he spoke, his voice was gravelly with tension. “There’s something happening here, Lana. With us. I know it’s scary and the timing isn’t great, but…”
Lana swallowed, tugging on her hand until he released it. “I feel it too, but it can’t happen.”
“Why not?”
She let out a slight laugh. “You’re my ex-husband’s best friend.”
“And?”
“And, until I actually resign, you’re still my boss. How do you think it would look if anyone from your company walked in here tonight?”
“Like I’m having dinner with a woman I’m very attracted to,” he answered dryly.
Lana rolled her eyes. “It would hurt my reputation. I care about that.”
He leaned his head back and rolled it along his shoulders. Finally, he nodded. “Let’s revisit this when we’re not in public, sweetheart. In the meantime, let’s just enjoy the evening.”
He watched while she let out a breath of relief before saying, “Tell me about yourself. You said your parents died when you were young. What happened then?”
With a sigh of relief at the change in subject, Lana replied, “My grandparents raised us. My sister and I grew up, went to college, moved away. My grandparents both died many years ago, and once they passed, I found a job in Denver and moved there.”
“Where did you go to school?”
“UCLA. I majored in advertising in college, with a minor in finance.”
“Daniel said you met at work?”
She nodded. That, at least, was true. “Yes. I was working for an advertising agency, and Daniel represented one of our clients.”
“Love at first sight?” Jarrod fought the stab of jealousy he felt at the thought of her with any other man.
She laughed then, remembering the first time she’d seen Daniel, and the way that he’d pursued her so relentlessly after that first meeting. “No,” she replied. “But close.”
He may have been mistaken, but Jarrod was quite sure that this was the first time that he’d seen Lana genuinely laugh. He had seen her smile and joke around with other people at work, he’d seen her laugh derisively at something he’d said, but this was different. This was genuine, and it was in response to a happy memory. A memory of a time with Daniel. Suddenly, Jarrod knew that he wanted to see her laugh again, and he wanted it to be with him. Taking a quick sip of ice water and forcing his attention back to the moment, he asked the first question that came to mind.
“Tell me about Matthew.”
Lana took a sip of wine and looked across the table at him warily. “What would you like to know?” she asked.
He gentled this tone. “Does he know about his father?”
Lana nodded. “I’ve told him things in the past when he asked. I talked to him a couple of days ago and told him that Daniel had died.”
“How did he take it?”
Lana shrugged. “He didn't really remember his father very well, so I don’t think it was a bad shock. But I think he’s been hoping for a Daddy for a long time.” Lana broke off then, embarrassed. “I mean...”
“I know what you meant, Lana,” Jarrod said mildly. “I’m sure that Matthew was hoping his father would come back some day.”
But that wasn’t it. Matt wanted a Dad, but he wanted a father like Jarrod would be. Involved, loving, strong. Daniel had been that for a brief time after Matt had been born, but the boy didn’t remember that. If he remembered his father at all, it was probably with a healthy dose of fear. Since now did not seem like the time to get into details, she decided to talk more about her son. After all, he’d asked.
For the next half hour, they talked about Matt. About his likes, his dislikes, his strengths. It was an easy conversation, since Jarrod seemed genuinely interested in the boy, and Lana talked about him with a mother’s pride. When the waiter cleared their plates away, Lana was surprised at how quickly the evening had gone.
“I’m sorry. I think I’ve rambled about my son for the last 30 minutes.”
“I wanted to hear it,” Jarrod assured her. “He sounds like a great kid. I’m looking forward to meeting him tomorrow.”
“He is a good kid. I’m really lucky.”
“I should get you home. I promised an early evening. Unless you’d like dessert or coffee?”
“No, but thank you.”
Jarrod signaled for the check, and immediately handed over his credit card when the waiter appeared with the bill. Lana considered an offer to pay for her half, but decided against it when Jarrod seemed determined to take care of it. As the waiter disappeared to process the transaction, Lana leaned forward over the table, her arms folded and rested on the surface.
“Where did you and Daniel meet? Was it overseas?”
“No. We were friends in high school.”
“So that’s why you know his parents so well.”
“Exactly.”
The waiter reappeared at their table and discreetly slipped the check wallet next to Jarrod before clearing off most of their dirty dishes. After signing the credit voucher, Jarrod pushed back his chair, and Lana immediately stood to join him. With an audible sigh of relief, she slipped on her coat and turned toward the exit.
“Was that so painful?” Jarrod asked with a slight smile on his face as he opened the door for her.
“I’m sorry,” Lana quickly responded. “I’m being rude. Thank you for dinner, Mr. Marshall.”
“Stop calling me Mr. Marshall, Lana. My name is Jarrod. When we are out of the office, I’m your husband’s friend, not your boss.”
“Ex-husband,” she asserted softly.
He scowled down at her. “My name is still Jarrod.”
“And you’re still my boss.”
“Lana….”
“All right. Fine. Thank you for dinner, Jarrod.”
“You certainly are polite, if nothing else,” Jarrod said, shaking his head.
Lana laughed lightly. “My grandmother’s influence. Why does it bother you?”
“Not sure,” he responded as they walked together toward where he’d parked earlier. “Maybe because sometimes it seems like you’re masking your true feelings behind what you think others want to hear.”
“That’s a pretty definitive psychoanalysis for someone who doesn’t know me at all,” Lana pointed out.
“Am I wrong?”
Lana shook her head. “Maybe not completely wrong. But maybe misguided.”
“In what way?” When Lana was quiet, Jarrod continued, his voice low but even. “I’m just not fond of deception, Lana.”
Rolling her eyes at his response, Lana pointed out, “You’re asking me to hide the truth from Daniel’s parents. That’s quite odd for someone who claims to dislike deception.”
“I don’t want them hurt any more than they have been.”
“I see,” Lana responded quietly. It was ironic, she thought. She and Matthew were the ones who had been hurt most in this whole situation, and no one was looking to see that they were OK.
Jarrod’s eyes flicked over her thoughtfully. He could easily see why his best friend had fallen for Lana. She had an inner strength that was incredibly appealing, and her love for her son was clearly obvious. Lana was silent for the ride back to her place. When they pulled into the driveway of Lana’s apartment, Jarrod shut off the engine. Lana started to open her door, but Jarrod stopped her with a hand on her arm.
“I’ll pick you and Matthew up at 4:00 tomorrow afternoon. That will give Rachel and Frank some time to talk with you before dinner, and still make for an early evening. You can dress much as you did tonight.” With that, he got out of the car and walked over to open the door for Lana. He walked her to her door and waited while she got out her key and unlocked the bolt.
“At the risk of again being told that I’m horribly polite, thanks again for dinner.”
“I guess you’re not inviting me in, are you?” Jarrod asked with an ironic smile.
“Not a chance,” she answered, then caught her breath as Jarrod chuckled, lifting a hand to her face to brush a wayward strand of hair from her cheek. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the cheek. She froze at his touch, badly wanting to lean into the palm of his hand, but refusing to allow herself to be comforted by a man who didn’t yet trust her.
She closed her eyes and swallowed. She needed to go inside, but her movement was too slow. Jarrod read her hesitation as interest, and his arm snaked around her waist to pull her against him. The gentle brush of his mouth against hers caused her legs to weaken, her own resistance to him falling away as he cupped her chin with his hand and held her face up to his. “God help me, Lana, but I want you.” His voice was gravelly with need, the hand on her face sliding smoothly into her hair until he held her head in the perfect position for his mouth to find hers. When their lips again met, the spark of current that flowed between them caused them both to gasp. Jarrod drew back and their eyes met in shock before he pulled her more firmly into his arms, deepening the kiss.
God, he wanted this woman. Wanted her with an intensity that scared the hell out of him. But he needed to stop this and let her move away – he was going too quickly. Not only would he spook her if he continued, but he also knew that he needed to learn more about her, and her relationship with Daniel, before he did a damn thing to get her into his bed. Gentling the kiss, he slowly released his grip on her, allowing her to catch her breath before he pulled away completely.
She blinked, looking up at Jarrod with confusion and a touch of fear in her gaze. Her breathing was as ragged as his, and she raised a hand to her mouth, half-longing for him to continue. She wanted to ask him what he was doing, why he had kissed her, and what it all meant, but she couldn’t find words to express anything that she was feeling. Instead, she backed away, her hand reaching out to turn the handle of her front door.
Jarrod touched her face again, gently, with the back of his hand. “Good night, Lana.”
Lana said nothing, just pulled away and entered her home, locking the door behind her. Leaning against it, she waited until she heard the car in her driveway start and pull away.
“Oh hell,” she groaned. After that kiss, she could remember nothing about the night. She couldn’t remember a thing she’d eaten, or whether the wine had tasted like vinegar. After that kiss, there was only one thing that was clear in her mind – she could never let him get close to her again. The attraction she had been fighting for this man for weeks was absolutely nothing compared to the feelings she’d had when had kissed her. His lips had been warm, his breath sweet, and whatever cologne he was wearing made her want to pull him close and simply breathe him in.
As long as he continued to irritate her, she could resist the man, but if he knocked down a few of her defenses first, then she was in real trouble. The best thing she could do right now was to be mad at the man. When that irritation started to die, as she assumed it one day might, that’s when she would need to move. Because she wasn’t sure she could survive an attraction that was as powerful as what she’d felt tonight.
Swallowing hard, Lana moved into her living room and pulled off her coat. Collapsing onto her couch, she breathed a sigh of relief. Well, regardless of that damn attraction, the night was over. One evening down. Only one more to go.
Jarrod Marshall was an enigma to her, she realized, and her attraction to him was only growing. She sensed immediately that he was cut from a different cloth than his friend, but she didn’t know whether he would ever understand why she had left her husband. Closing her eyes, she thought back to what had gotten her into this whole mess in the first place: her marriage to Daniel.
She had met Daniel West when she was working in Denver for an advertising agency near Cherry Creek. He was a very handsome man, with a carefree attitude about life that appealed to the straight-laced executive that she had become. When he first appeared at the door of the agency she worked for, he took one look at her and invited her for dinner. She accepted immediately, surprising herself with a spontaneity she didn't know that she had. Her sense of responsibility that usually impacted all of her decisions flew out the window that day.
Within a month, she was head over heels in love with him. They had a good relationship, she thought. He was a bit absent-minded – he sometimes showed up late for a date, or realized that he'd left his wallet at home, but she made good money, and she liked that he respected her enough to let her pay for meals occasionally. And if occasionally turned into often, did it really matter? She wanted this, she wanted him, so badly, that she was willing to overlook his breezy manner and to be the responsible one. Apart from her sister, she had no family. He said that he was alone in the world too. They talked for hours about everything from politics to reality television to vacation dreams. He became her family. He was kind to her, he treated her wonderfully, and they began to talk about a life together. If he never talked about his time in the service, or how that had impacted him, Lena overlooked it. Surely he’d talk to her about it if he needed to.
When Daniel asked her to marry him, Lana was thrilled. She had half expected that he would eventually tire of her and move on, but now she allowed herself to believe that he loved her, and she married him quietly a few months later. But within a year after their marriage, Daniel’s illness began to show, and Lana found herself starting to fight for her husband’s sanity.
It had started out gradually. Daniel seemed a bit more irritable than normal, and she attributed it to his long hours at work. He talked about the people at work with less tolerance than in the past. Now, whenever he mentioned his boss or his coworkers, it was to insist that they were out to get him – that they didn’t understand his brilliance, or appreciate his work. He started to mention people who were talking to him, but when Lana questioned him about who these people were, he couldn’t answer, and eventually got angry with her for asking him.
She caught him taking drugs one afternoon, and when she asked about them, he said that he needed them. He needed them to numb the voices so that he could sleep at night. Alarmed, Lana immediately made an appointment for him with his doctor, and insisted that he go. The diagnosis, when it came, was a horrifying shock. Schizophrenia. But there are drugs for that, Lana told herself, and surely Daniel will take them and stay on them. He was a smart, kind man – once he realized that those drugs were necessary, there would be no issues with compliance.
Lana hadn’t counted on the side effects of the drugs. As she watched Daniel’s weight balloon out, and as he complained that he no longer felt anything, that he had no emotions, she started to understand why many people on antipsychotics struggle with staying faithful to the regimen required to control their illness. After a few months, Lana noticed severe fluctuations in Daniel’s behavior again, and realized that her husband wasn’t as diligent about taking his medicine as she’d expected he would be. When she confronted him about it one afternoon, he pushed her against a wall, accusing her of working for ‘the men’ and telling her that he would stop her in any way he could.
Lana still refused to give up. She loved her husband, loved him absolutely and without any qualms. Daniel’s personality was rapidly changing, though, and when he self-medicated, things were worse. By the time Lana realized that he was addicted to drugs, most of their earned income was going to feed his habit. Lana began paying for groceries on a credit card, all the while begging her husband to go back to a doctor and get help. But he didn’t listen to her – his paranoid accusations grew worse.
When Lana found out that she was pregnant, she was both excited and frightened. She knew that she couldn’t raise this child alone, and she couldn’t raise it if all of their money kept going toward Daniel’s drugs and his increasingly paranoid ‘projects’ that he worked on in his office late at night. She had hoped at first that the fact that they were going to have a baby might motivate Daniel to seek help, and for a time, things seemed to get a little better. After Matt was born, Daniel was enchanted. He adored his son, and started to take his meds again, but the side effects bothered him even more this time, and soon he was back to his paranoid delusions. Lana began to realize how sick her husband was.
On top of everything, he had started to drink. Lana learned quickly to stay away from him when he had more than a couple of beers. The combination of drugs and alcohol, along with what was happening in his brain, gave him a nasty temper. When he was angry, he took everything out on her, blaming her for his illness, and eventually starting to refer to her as a she-demon. He frequently grabbed her and shook her, and occasionally managed to send her to the hospital with some serious cuts and bruises, but Lana learned that if she just went still and apologized he would often toss her aside and move on. She knew that the situation was unbearable though, and finally consulted both Daniel’s doctor and a divorce attorney. She needed to know if there was any hope of Daniel getting better if he didn’t take his meds, and she needed to know her options if the answer was no.
Finally, in frustration one night when he was acting particularly belligerent, she gave voice to her plans and delivered an ultimatum – if he didn't start complying with his doctor’s orders, she was leaving. His response was to coldly backhand her across her face. She fell to the couch, momentarily stunned from the blow. When she tried to get up, he grabbed her and tossed her back onto the cushions. His face hard, and his mouth sneering, he told her that she was the reason for the voices, that she was causing ‘the men’ to talk to him, and that he would have to make sure that she stopped talking to them. Again, she tried to stand and move away from him, but he was angry, and his rage had settled on her.
Technically, she thought, it wasn’t exactly rape. He was still her husband, and she hadn’t said no to him. But she had allowed it to happen because she was too scared to stop it. Maybe once he was done, she could get away. Hours later, at 3:00 in the morning, Daniel fell into a deep sleep, and Lana grabbed a few of her things, took Matthew, and ran.
Still in the area, she stayed at a women’s shelter and worked with her lawyer to finalize the divorce. It took time, but happened a lot faster than she’d expected, largely due to the many medical reports that were in the files – both from her doctors and from Daniel’s. In the meantime, she filed a restraining order against her husband, but Lana wondered about the usefulness of such a document on a man who was too sick to understand the legalities of the court-mandated clauses.
Lana knew that most people diagnosed with schizophrenia are not violent, and are actually more likely to harm themselves than others. But she also knew that substance abuse increased the chance of a person becoming violent. Since that risk also increased without treatment, Daniel had two strikes against him. With the delusions and paranoia running unchecked, and his certainty that she and Matt were dangerous to him, Lana was spooked. On the day that the final divorce papers appeared on her doorstep, she found a message in her mailbox, scrawled by Daniel. Now that she was no longer his wife, he needed to get rid of her and her son. Only then, he was convinced, would he be able to live without fear of ‘the men.’ When Lana started seeing him around town, watching her, she knew that a restraining order wouldn’t do anything to keep her and Matt safe.
Fully aware that her ex-husband’s military training made him a formidable opponent, she worked with the local shelter to leave the area. A group of caring volunteers moved her cautiously to a town several hours away from Denver. And a few days later, they moved her again when her network of friends reported Daniel's cold and paranoid anger.
Scared for herself and her son, she used a great deal of her stockpiled cash to buy plane tickets to England to stay with a member of the shelter network for a few weeks and to bury her trail. She knew Daniel may still find her, but she needed to buy herself time and to think about where she would go from there. She knew that Daniel’s illness had caused him to obsess about her and Matthew, and that terrified her. She had apparently been right to be scared, since he had followed her so quickly abroad.
After two months in England, Lana cautiously returned to the States, changed her name to her mother’s maiden name, and started putting the pieces of her life back together, looking over her shoulder constantly. That apparently hadn’t been necessary. By that time, Daniel had already been killed.
So now that part of her life was over. She no longer needed to be afraid that her ex-husband would find her and hurt her or her son. After living through that hell, she could stand just about anything, including facing down Daniel's best friend. She had no desire to hurt him, or to hurt her ex-husband’s family, with stories of what Daniel had been like in his final months on this earth, but she had a world of proof if she ever needed it. Doctor's visits. X-rays. Even police reports. She never wanted any of this to see the light, but depending on Daniel’s parents and their reaction to her and to Matthew, she had the ammunition she needed to keep them out of their lives.