CHAPTER 14

 

Kian was in the departure lounge at Manchester Airport, waiting to catch a flight down to London with the rest of the Rovers team.  They were playing Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium the following day.  Their flight was delayed by a couple of hours due to fog at Heathrow Airport.

  The gaffer had insisted that Kian travel with the team even though he was suspended for this match.  He’d been sent off in the last match at home to Swansea City and because it was a straight red card, he’d got an automatic three-match ban.

  The lounge they were waiting in had been decorated for Valentine’s Day with lots of red, paper hearts.  Kian ripped one of the hearts away from the glass and crumpled it up in his hands.

  Valentine’s Day sucks when your wife won’t return your calls.

  “Kian?” He jerked his head up; it was Lauren.  She was cabin crew with Virgin Atlantic and had just got back from Vegas.

  “What are you doing here, stranger?” Lauren smiled as she sat down in the empty chair opposite him.  They’d been friends for years; Lauren had been a witness at his and Cate’s wedding.

  Lauren asked after Cate and Lola.  Yoakey was sat behind Lauren and snorted loudly.  “Like he’d know.”

  Kian snarled at him.  “Fuck off Yoakey.”  He and Cate used to be friends with Yoakey and his wife, Sara.  Their little boy, Noah was just a couple of months older than Lola.

  Lauren raised an eyebrow, “what’s he talking about?”

  Kian looked down at the stupid red, paper heart crumpled up in his hands.  “I haven’t seen Cate since New Year’s Eve.  I fucked up.”

  Lauren shuffled her chair nearer to Kian’s so they could talk more privately.  “What happened?”

  After he’d finished, Lauren sat back in her chair and tried to take it all in.  “Wow,” she said quietly.  “That’s like… Yeah, totally didn’t see that one coming.”  Kian ripped the red, paper heart into tiny pieces and dumped them on the table.  “And you really haven’t seen Cate in almost two months?”

  Kian shook his head.

  “Have you tried?”

  “Have I tried?” Kian laughed bitterly.  “Of course I’ve fucking tried but she wants nothing to do with me.  I’ve tried calling but she won’t answer the phone.  I called her on Yoakey’s phone but as soon as she realised it was me, she hung up.  I’ve texted and e-mailed but she doesn’t reply.  I’ve even gone around to her Mum’s house but either she won’t answer the door or she gets her sister to tell me to fuck off.”

  “What about Lola?  Does Cate let you see her?”

  “Yeah,” Kian frowned.  “I pick her up from Mum’s and drop her off at Mum’s.”

  “How’s Jean taking it?”

  “She’s Mum, you know.  She’s pissed off but she doesn’t shout or yell, she just looks at me and sighs and it’s like I can feel the huge weight of her disappointment.”

  “Do you still love her?”

  “How can you even fucking ask me that?” Kian fumed.  “She’s everything to me.”

  “Then you need to do everything you can to get her back.”

  Kian clenched his fists.  “How the fuck am I supposed to do that when she won’t even talk to me?”

  “Find a way.”

  “Like it’s that easy.”

  “You fucked up; it’s not meant to be easy.  You’ve just got to keep trying.”

 

“Not again!” Cate felt a hand on her shoulder shaking her awake.  She quickly lifted up her head and, “ouch!”  She rubbed at the crick in her neck.  She’d fallen asleep at the desk in the basement again.

  Irene looked cross.  “Cate, this has got to stop.  That’s the third time this week.”

  It was nearly two months since she’d left Kian.  She kept waiting for it to get easier.

  “Ben and Erin are coming over for dinner tonight,” Irene said as Cate followed her upstairs.  “I’ve cancelled my afternoon meetings so I’ll be home early.  I thought I’d make your favourite pasta pomodoro.”

  “Nice try,” Cate said.  She hadn’t spoken to Ben since Christmas Day.

  “He’s your brother.”

  “He should have thought about that before,” Cate snapped.  She quickly stopped before she said anything else.  She’d never told her family what Kian had done or Ben’s part in it.  “I’ll take Lola out for tea this evening.  Liv can text me when he’s gone.”

  When she went upstairs, Lola was already awake.  She was sat up in bed, chattering away to Max, her cuddly purple monkey.

  “Morning, sweetie,” Cate said, smoothing down her daughter’s hair, which was all mussed up from sleep.  “How long have you been awake?”

  “Max woke me up,” Lola said.  “He doesn’t want to go to Granny Jean’s today.”

  Cate smiled, “that’s OK.  He doesn’t have to go to Granny Jean’s.  It won’t be much fun here all by himself though.”

  “Mummy, I don’t want to go to Granny Jean’s today either.”

  Cate lifted her up and carried her into the bathroom.  “Why not?  I thought you liked spending time with Granny Jean.”

  “I do,” Lola said.  “But I want to be with Mummy today.”

  Cate knelt down so she was at the same height as Lola.  “Tell you what, if you’re a good girl for Granny Jean, this afternoon I’ll take you to the Trafford Centre and we can have tea out.  Anywhere you like; just you and me.”

  “Mummy,” Lola said softly.  “Why do you have to go?  Why can’t you stay home with me?”

  “Oh honey,” Cate felt a stab of guilt.  “There are so many people who want to spend time with you.  Think about it, if you spent all your time with me then who would bake biscuits with Granny Jean?  Who would play football with Uncle Ben or braid Auntie Liv’s hair?  They wouldn’t get to see you and they’d be really sad about that.”

  “I guess,” Lola said, she chewed on her bottom lip as if she was thinking it all over.  “Granny Jean said we could make special biscuits today and I could decorate them.”

  They went downstairs to the kitchen and Lola sat at the table while Cate made her breakfast.  “Mummy, you’ve got a funny face,” Lola giggled.

  “Thanks Lo, love you too.”

  Lola stood up on the chair so she was closer to Cate’s face.  “Lola fix it.”  She licked the palms of her hands and rubbed them over Cate’s cheek.  She must have had ink on there from the textbook she’d used as a pillow last night. 

  “Careful,” Cate said, quickly reaching out to hold her.  “Don’t fall.”

  “I won’t fall Mummy because you’re holding on to me.”

 

After class, Cate picked Lola up from Jean’s.  “Mummy, close your eyes,” Lola said excitedly as Cate walked through the door.  “Hold out your hands.”

  “Okay.”

  “You can open them now,” Lola said.  “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

  Cate looked down and in her hands was a heart-shaped biscuit with red icing.  “Wow, did you make that?”

  Lola nodded proudly, “with help from Granny Jean.”

  “That’s beautiful, I love it,” Cate bent down and kissed the top of Lola’s head.  “Why don’t you go and collect your things?”

  While she waited for Lola, Cate took a piece of kitchen roll and started to wrap up the heart-shaped biscuit.  As she placed it down on the table, a crack appeared right down the centre. Cate couldn’t help but smile. Even my biscuit heart is broken.

  Jean put a hand on her arm, “are you okay, sweetheart?”

  Cate quickly finished wrapping up the heart and placed it carefully in her handbag.  “I’m fine.”

  Jean wrapped up a 2nd biscuit and put it in her hand.  “I know you probably don’t feel hungry right now but try and eat something.  I don’t like seeing you look so thin.”

  “It’s just the black,” Cate said, gesturing to her outfit.

  She took Lola to the Trafford Centre.  They went to Giraffe and Lola was delighted with the yellow, plastic giraffe that came with her drink.  Thinking about what Jean had said, Cate ordered a toasted sandwich with fries but her appetite was non-existent and so she could only pick at it.

  It was Valentine’s Day so she was surrounded by couples.

  At the front of the food court, underneath the big screen, they’d cleared all the tables to one side and there was a tea dance taking place.  After they’d finished eating, Cate and Lola stood at the railing and watched for a while as the silver-haired couples swayed to the music of Frank Sinatra and Doris Day.  Lola tugged on her hand, “they’re dancing like you and Daddy did at Christmas.”

  Cate wiped her eyes with the back of her hand.  “So they are.  Come on, let’s go and have a look at the shops.”

  Even though it was February, White Christmas played inside her head.  She could see Lola’s little Christmas tree lit up at the side of them and feel his strong arm around her waist as they swayed back and forth. 

  Ugh, she shook her head.  She couldn’t afford to take a trip down Memory Lane.  It was just too painful.

  They went into HMV and looked at the Children’s DVDs towards the back of the store.

  Cate didn’t realise until it was too late that they were playing the Rovers Season Review on the large TV screen.  She reached for Lola’s hand and was about to pull her away when Kian came on the screen.

  Cate froze.  He was looking at the camera but it felt as if he was looking straight at her.  She felt it in every part of her body.

  “Daddy,” Lola said excitedly, pointing at the screen.  A couple of people turned around.  “That’s my Daddy.”

  Cate quickly grabbed Lola’s hand and pulled her out of the shop.  She was in such a hurry to leave that she didn’t notice the two people coming towards her until they almost collided.

  “Cate?”

  It was Vanessa and Thom, her two closest friends from university.  They didn’t know that she was married or that she had a daughter.

  They looked down at the little girl holding Cate’s hand.

  Before Cate could explain, Lola did it for her.  “Mummy.”  Suddenly overcome with shyness, Lola tried to hide behind Cate’s legs.

  “You’ve got a kid?” Vanessa looked shocked.

  Cate tried to coax Lola out from behind her legs.  “Come on sweetie, say hello to Mummy’s friends.”

  “Hello,” Lola said quietly.

  “Oh my goodness, she looks just like you,” Vanessa exclaimed.  She crouched down so that she was nearer Lola’s height.  “What’s your name?”

  Lola looked up at Cate, who nodded.  “Lola.”

  “Nice to meet you Lola,” Vanessa offered her hand.  “I’m Vanessa and this big oaf right here is Thom.”

  Vanessa and Thom hadn’t eaten yet so the four of them went to Subway.  Lola took an instant shine to Thom and while she was distracted, showing him her plastic giraffe, Vanessa bombarded Cate with questions.

  “We’re not together anymore,” Cate whispered when Vanessa asked about Lola’s Dad.  “It’s just me and Lo.”

  She felt a little bit guilty, cutting Kian out of the picture like that.  He wasn’t just some faceless guy, a sperm donor who’d ditched Cate when he’d found out she was pregnant.  He deserved more credit.  But she’d spent so long compartmentalising her life; she didn’t know what would happen if she stopped.  To Vanessa and Thom, she was Cate Klein – she’d enrolled at university under her maiden name.  Where she was now, living back home with Irene and Liv, sleeping in her old attic bedroom surrounded by the paraphernalia of her teenage years, she felt closer to Cate Klein than she did to Cate Warner.