CHAPTER 13

 

On New Year’s Eve, Kian knew that Irene and Liv would be at the party at his Mum’s house.  Jean had thought it best under the circumstances if Kian stayed home this year.  She didn’t know what he’d done; just that Cate had left him.

  It was bitterly cold; he stuffed his hands deep in the pockets of his wool coat and sheltered on the front step at Irene’s house.  He couldn’t see in the New Year alone in that big, empty house with his wife and daughter somewhere else.  He heard Cate’s footsteps coming down the stairs; she must have just put Lola to bed.

  He lifted up the letterbox, desperate for even the tiniest glimpse of his wife.  She looked too thin; her t-shirt fell off one shoulder, exposing her jutting out collarbone.  Fuck, was she eating at all?

  “Cate,” his voice filtered through the entrance hall.

  Cate stopped, her hand gripping the banister.  “Go away.”

  “I can’t,” Kian said honestly.  He needed to be near her.  “I love you.”

  “Don’t,” Cate’s voice cracked.  “Don’t say that.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Kian said.  “You have to believe me.”

  “I can’t do this,” Cate shook her head.  She ran downstairs to the basement, out of sight of Kian.

  Cate slumped down in front of her laptop.  Why couldn’t he just leave her alone?  His voice was like salt rubbed deep into her bloody, gaping wounds. 

  She thought about last New Year’s Eve.  Rovers were playing West Ham at home on New Year’s Day so after they’d put Lola to bed; it was just the two of them.  They’d had a bath together and then an early night.  She remembered waking up at midnight to hear the fireworks coming from the Black Horse pub down the road.  “Happy New Year,” Kian had said, gently stroking his fingers through her hair.  She’d wriggled backwards, fitting her body more tightly against his.  Cate had kissed the bicep she’d been using as a pillow; she loved the scent of his body wash and the taste of his warm skin.  “Happy New Year.”

  She hugged her arms across her chest.  Even with the heating on full-blast, she couldn’t stop shivering.  This time next year I’ll be divorced.  She tied her hair up in a messy bun; she wouldn’t get to feel his fingers gently stroking her hair as she drifted off to sleep; or tugging her head back so he could kiss her more deeply.  Her toes caught in the hem of her pyjama bottoms; he’d never again tuck her cold feet between his calves to warm them up.  He’d marked every part of her body.  She thought of the ugly scar running across her abdomen, from giving birth to Lola; he’d never again trail soft kisses across the raised skin and tell her it was beautiful.

  With no witnesses, her Mum and Liv wouldn’t be back until past midnight and Lola was fast asleep, Cate allowed the tears to fall freely.

  Kian stalked down the alleyway at the side of the house, where he and Cate had had their first kiss.  He still had keys to the house.  He knew he shouldn’t use them but he was desperate, he needed to see Cate again.  He needed more of her than just the rectangle of a letterbox.  She’d looked so broken.  He turned the key in the lock and waited for her to yell at him but there was just silence.  He pulled open the door to the basement.  Cate was asleep, hunched over her laptop.  He shut and locked the door as quietly as he could.  His first instinct had been right; she was far too skinny. 

  He looked at the screen and the words “Divorce Lawyers” stood out in big, black letters.  “I’m not giving up,” Kian murmured softly, switching off her laptop.  He gently picked her up off the chair.  She was too light, as if she could fly away at any second.

  Cradling her to his chest, Kian carried his wife upstairs to the ground floor.  He stopped for a second, savouring the sweet scent of blackberries.

  He was halfway up the second flight of stairs when he saw a tiny figure in front of him.  For a second, she was frightened by the stranger but then her whole face lit up, “Daddy.”

  Kian cursed under his breath, he hadn’t meant for Lola to see him.  “Hey sweetheart.”

  “Have you come to take us home?”

  Kian looked at Cate sleeping soundly in his arms; it would be so easy to put them both in his car and take them home.  Damn it, Cate was his wife and she belonged with him. 

  “Go back to bed, sweetie,” Kian whispered.  “I’ll come back for you in a few minutes, OK?”

  “OK,” Lola nodded obediently.  “I missed you Daddy.”

  Kian swallowed the lump at the back of his throat, “I missed you too.”

  He carried Cate back down the stairs and carefully unlocked the front door.  It had started to snow so he picked his way gingerly up the driveway to his car.  He’d just unlocked the passenger door when the clock struck midnight and there was a cacophony of fireworks from nearby houses.  Cate shifted in his arms.

  She blinked open her eyes and for a second they were soft.  Kian was once again struck by how beautiful she was, lit up by the fireworks going off above their heads, her black hair dotted with tiny snowflakes.

  He could tell the exact moment when she remembered what he’d done; her face twisted with anguish, her soulful eyes hardened to jet-black marbles.  She kicked and flailed, wriggling to free herself from his arms.  She barely noticed as her bare feet made contact with the snowy driveway.

  “Get away from me,” Cate cried angrily.

  As she ran down the driveway to the front door, her foot skidded on a patch of black ice and she lurched forwards.  Before she hit the ground, she felt strong arms wrap around her waist.  “Cate…”

  “Don’t touch me,” Cate yelled.

  “I can’t not touch you,” Kian said, fighting hard to keep hold of her.  “I love you.”

  “Let me go,” Cate wriggled like a wildcat, clawing at his arms and kicking and stamping on his feet.

  “Never,” Kian grunted.  “You’re my wife.”

  Cate sank her teeth into the skin on his neck.  “Fuck,” he cried, releasing her from his grasp.

  “If you had loved me for even one second, you wouldn’t have…” Cate wiped her mouth; she could taste his blood on her lips.  Her breath was coming out in short pants.  “You wouldn’t have fucked her.”

  Cate never swore so hearing her say the f-word shocked him. 

  “I didn’t,” Kian clamped a hand to his neck; he could feel warm blood coating his fingers.  “Cate…”

  Cate wasn’t listening; she was just focused on getting to the safety of the front door.  She slammed the door shut behind her and forced the bolt across so he couldn’t use his keys.

  Kian sank to his knees in the snow.  “I didn’t fuck her.”

  Cate slid down the front door until her butt touched the carpet. 

  “Mummy.”

  She looked up at the top of the stairs.  Lola was stood there.  “Where’s Daddy?”

  Lola was holding on to her little suitcase.  Cate climbed the stairs and sat down next to her daughter on the top step.  “Come here,” she picked Lola up and sat her on her knee.  “Why have you got your suitcase, sweetheart?”

  “Daddy’s taking us home,” Lola said.

  “This is our home now.  We’re going to stay here with Granny Reen and Auntie Liv.”

  “No,” Lola shook her head, “I want to go home with Daddy.”  She broke free of Cate’s grasp and ran downstairs to the front door.  She reached up and frantically pulled on the door handle.  “Daddy.”

  “He’s gone,” Cate couldn’t stop the tears streaming down her cheeks.

  “No,” Lola shook her head vehemently.  She pressed her hands against the frosted glass of the front door.  “Daddy, come back.”

  Cate wrapped her arms around her daughter, “Please stop, you’re going to hurt yourself.”

  “Mummy,” Lola sobbed, “make Daddy come back.  I won’t be naughty ever again, I promise.”

  “I can’t, I’m so sorry,” Cate sighed.  “I know right now you think that I’m being really horrible but when you’re older, you’ll understand.”

  “No, I won’t,” Lola said, pulling the door handle again.  “I don’t want you, I want Daddy.”

  “I know,” Cate gently prised Lola’s hands from the door handle.  “You can still see Daddy and you can talk to him on the phone all the time, I promise.” 

  Lola ran up the stairs to her bedroom and flung herself on the bed. 

  “Do you want me to stay with you?” Cate asked.

  Lola looked up at Cate; her cheeks were blotchy and streaked with tears, “no.”

  She couldn’t leave her like this.  Cate sat down with her back against the dresser. 

  “Go away.”

  “I can’t do that, sweetheart.  I need to make sure you’re OK.”

  Lola looked at her, those big doe eyes breaking Cate’s heart all over again, “make Daddy come back.”

  “I can’t…” Before Cate could finish, Lola threw her pillow at Cate’s head.  “I hate you.”

  “You don’t mean that,” Cate said.  “You’re angry right now and I get that but you can’t throw things at me, that’s not OK.”

  “You don’t want me to have a Daddy because you don’t have one.”

 

The next morning, Cate forced herself to get washed and dressed.  After fighting with Kian and Lola, she’d barely slept.  She hobbled down to the kitchen, her feet were still sore from the gravel. 

  “Morning,” Irene handed her a fresh mug of coffee.

  “Thanks,” Cate slumped down at the kitchen table.  “How did you do it?”

  “Do what?” Irene took the seat opposite her. 

  “How did you manage as a single parent?”

  “I didn’t have a choice,” Irene said softly.

  Cate shook her head, “you think I should go home?”

  “I didn’t say that,” Irene said.  “I think if you had a choice, you wouldn’t be here.”

  “Lola said she hated me last night and threw a pillow at my head.”

  “You just wait until she’s a teenager, that’s when the real fun starts,” Irene chuckled.  “Seriously Cate, I know it’s horrible to hear your daughter say things like that to you but she doesn’t mean them.”

  “I just wish I knew how to fix this,” Cate knew she was on the verge of crying again, “I hate seeing her so upset.”

  “I know,” Irene patted her shoulder.  “She’s just a little girl; she doesn’t understand why her Mummy and Daddy aren’t together anymore.  You’ve got to make sure that she feels safe and loved.”

  Cate pulled out her phone and her finger hovered over the button to call Kian.  She couldn’t fix this on her own.

  “What’s up?” Liv asked, making her jump.

   Cate put her phone down on the table, “I thought you’d be hung-over.”

  “Nah,” Liv shook her head, “I didn’t drink last night.  I’m trying to be a grown up.”

  “That’s good,” Cate was distracted by her phone.  She couldn’t do it; she couldn’t hear his voice again.

  “OK, why are you looking at your phone like it’s going to jump up and bite you?” Liv laughed.

  “Lo misses her Dad,” Cate sighed.  “I need to make arrangements for him to see her.”

  “Hm,” Liv thought about it for a second.  “Why don’t you ask Jean?  She looks after Lo while you’re at university anyway so maybe Kian could pick her up and drop her off there?”

  After speaking to Jean, Cate felt brighter.  “Rise and shine.”  Cate pulled open the curtains, letting sunlight into her daughter’s bedroom.  She bent down and picked up the pillow Lola had thrown at her last night.

  “It’s time to get up, sweetheart,” Cate said, putting the pillow down on the end of the bed.  “What do you want to wear today?”

  Lola sat up, her black hair all tangled from sleep.  “That one,” she pointed to a purple sweater dress.

  Cate sat down on the bed, “have you got something to say to me?”

  Lola pouted, “No.”

  “You can’t throw things at me, Lola, that’s not OK.”

  “I know,” Lola hung her head.  “I’m sorry, Mummy.”

  “Do you really mean that?” Cate asked.  “You should only say sorry if you really mean it.”

  “I do,” Lola nodded, “I miss Daddy.”

  “I know you do.  I was thinking, you know when Mummy goes back to university next week, instead of spending every afternoon with Granny Jean, maybe a couple of days a week you could see Daddy?  Would you like that?”

  “Really?” Lola asked hopefully.  Cate smiled, “of course.  Daddy and I, we both love you so much, sweetie.”