Chapter 13
Written In The Sand
Amberly
My lips burned from absence of Bryant. I ran my fingertips over them, betrayal sinking into me. My lips wanted his touch but I didn’t. It wasn’t right. I wasn’t ready for any of this. As butterflies sailed into my body, I had to question how much truth I was telling myself.
“Did you fuck him?” Cricket’s voice drifted from the kitchen.
I huffed and threw my purse onto the counter in front of her. She inched a coffee mug in my direction. “Thank you.” I brought the cup up to my mouth and blew at the contents. It splashed against the sides. “No, I didn’t.” I added.
A smirk arose. “Be honest.” She pressed.
I fell to the chair beside me, careful not to let any of the liquid erupt out of the cup. “I am being honest.”
She threw the kitchen towel she was holding to the counter and rested her hands on her hips. “If you’re being honest you are more boring than I thought. Did you at least touch him at all?”
I wanted to keep the day a secret, not admitting it ever happened. I had dropped my guard and let Bryant in. I wasn’t sure at what moment I started wanting to trust him. It could have been at the graveyard. It could have been the events after that. To be truthful, after the graveyard, I hadn’t shed a single tear. At the time, I was happy about that because I hadn’t even realized it had occurred. Now, I wondered what the hell was wrong with me. My daughter was dead. I didn’t get to enjoy life, but Bryant had turned the day around. I felt he didn’t have the right to do that. Could I let him help me get the justice that Haylie deserved and then break away from him?
“What’s going on in that brain of yours, Amby?”
I bit the side of my cheek, her words breaking me out of my thoughts….my very confusing thoughts. “He kissed me.” I averted my eyes as I let the truth slip past my lips.
I didn’t need to look up to see the wide smile on Cricket’s face. “Wow. How did it feel?”
Cricket wasn’t the type of girl whose voice turned into a high-pitched squeal as she asked for further details. I imagined she usually wouldn’t ask for any details from anyone else she was friends with. Just me. Because I hadn’t been kissed in over a year. That, for most people, was a big deal. It was for me too.
“It was…...okay.” I murmured. I hoped the lack of enthusiasm would have her halting any further questions about it. In reality it was the best damned kiss I had ever had. His lips fit with mine, as if we were two puzzle pieces who were getting attached back together where they belonged. Incredible.
Cricket sighed. “You’re so boring. I was hoping Mr. Better-Than-Orgasm-On-A-Stick man would have you raving about his performance, giving him nothing less than a five-star review. In fact, I think you're fibbing. He can't be that damn good looking and not at least be a good kisser. Lousy in bed? Maybe. Good kisser? No way."
At this, I laughed, coffee spewing out from my mouth. “Ah, it burns.” I jumped up and fanned my sweatshirt, watching as the coffee streaked its way down the front.
Cricket laughed with me, tossing me the kitchen towel. “That’s going to leave a stain.”
From the outside looking in, the scene played like a normal one. There was no hint that one of us was broken. That one of us was fighting the forces that wanted her to continue the life she was meant to live. I wasn’t sure what kept me smiling though my mind was going crazy at how wrong it was for me to carry on. Maybe it was Bryant’s promise, a promise that meant more to me than any other significant second of my life. He had no idea how much his actions and words meant to me. I also believed him. Every syllable that came from him, I clung to. I didn’t question them because he had said them with so much conviction that I couldn’t find it in myself to think he would go to such great lengths to make it believable.
I blotted at my sweater, the imminent stain not phasing me a bit. “Let me guess, you were reviewing a few books today?”
Cricket shrugged, a beaming smile still plastered in place. “Maybe. Oh, before I forget, I’m staying at Adam’s tonight.” She walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway. “Admit that he was off the charts.” She spun around, her hands in her back pockets. “We can all move on with our lives once you do.” She left me with a gaping mouth.
I rolled my eyes. Cricket's ultimate plan was coming into place, but I couldn't let her think it'd go any further. Because it wouldn't. Would it? No. I shook my head forcefully, more to myself than anything. I was letting it happen. I was letting myself get too close to Bryant. I was letting his words lessen my ability to say no. He had said all the right things and I was falling for it.
I poured out the now-cold coffee into the sink and sat it down before retreating to my bedroom. Soon, the apartment would be empty. Well, as empty as it could possibly be. I wasn’t a loud person unless Cricket was around. Sometimes, I didn’t know how to entertain myself without her. I closed my bedroom door behind me and began dumping my books on my mattress. I had a few days to study for my finals, but I could pass them without looking at the material again.
I had never thought I’d be trying to go to college in my late twenties. I was older than the other students, which felt awkward at first. With time, I was able to push aside the thoughts that college was just like high school. It wasn’t unless you let it be. If you stayed to yourself, no one cared. You weren’t labeled a stuck-up bitch or loner. Topics didn’t revolve around you.
I scanned over the sentences I had highlighted and jotted down a few definitions I would need to be familiar with. During this process, I heard Cricket gathering up her belongings. She popped her head in and frowned. “Is this what you’re going to be doing all night?”
I flipped the highlighter I was holding in the air and it landed with a thud onto my mattress. “Maybe.”
She rolled her eyes and kicked the door open. She started tapping the screen of her phone. “I may or may not have invited Bryant over here. Love you, Amby!”
She disappeared before I could reply.
I retrieved the highlighter and nervously beat it against my text book. There’s no way she would have text Bryant. Would she? I retrained my focus to the words in front of me, trying my hardest to get my mind off of Bryant.
I had given up wondering if she really had invited him over after twenty minutes, my mind memorizing everything I was reading in front of me. A knock at the door shattered hopes that she wasn’t serious. I groaned and hopped up from my bed. Through the peep hole, I saw Bryant standing there with a box in his hands. I swung open the door and leaned against the doorframe, pretending that his presence didn’t affect me at all.
“Can I come in?”
I lifted myself, using my tiptoes to try getting a glance in the box. “What’s that?”
He raised his eyebrows and used the box to gesture towards the warmth of my apartment. He rushed inside and dropped the box by the coffee table instead of on it.
“That’s a little heavy.” He joked, out of breath. “I went over to Lucas’ house.”
I shut the door and wrapped my arms around my chest. “Lucas?”
Bryant pointed at the box in front of us. “Yeah, um, he and I used to work together. He’s been checking out some other things for me and he was the buddy I was telling you about. He dug up some information from your wreck. I asked him to get it for me.”
I let surprise fill me. Though I believed the words he’d told me before, I didn’t imagine he would make that promise one of his top priorities.
He jammed his hands back into the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know what’s in there, I haven’t gone through it. I figure that’s something you need to do alone.”
I nodded, at a loss for words. Even a thank you didn’t seem like enough right now. I walked in his direction until I was in front of him. I couldn’t look anywhere but at his lips, the same lips that had been kissing me earlier. The same lips that had taken me away into the moment with him. The same lips that had seemed to solve every issue I had while they were touching mine.
I didn’t bother looking into his eyes, knowing without seeing them that I was affecting him in all of the ways he affected me. I kissed him and the moment my lips touched his, his arms folded around me like they belonged there. We fell down to the couch, me straddling him. The kissing, the groping, the heavy breathing lingered, neither of us making any effort to stop it. We let it happen. I let myself feel him. I felt the way he tensed, trying to determine how I would react to any movement he made. If his hands drifted up my thighs and to my hips, would I jump up and run away? If he twisted himself so my back was against the couch, would I protest? If he let his lips falter from mine and down to the crevice of my neck would I push him off of me? I felt how tender he kissed me knowing without a doubt he was holding back.
I stopped briefly so I could catch my breath. We panted, wanting more. Needing more.
“Amberly, we need to stop this.” He lifted his hand until his fingertips touched the area directly below my neck. He stared at that area like it was the most fascinating portion of my body that he’d ever had the pleasure of seeing.
He leaned his head against the back of the couch, leaving me a little embarrassed at my decision to make any sort of move. I started to get up, stopping when he tugged on my wrists. “Don’t.”
“You said we need to stop so that’s what I’m doing.”
He tilted his head back down to look at me. “I meant that you aren’t ready for this. We aren’t ready for this. You’re set on a mission and I’m here to back you on that, not take advantage of the situation.”
“I’m the one taking advantage I think.”
He laughed, his fingertips touching that area again. “Can I kiss you here?”
Slowly, I felt my head move up and down. He angled himself closer, moving in slow motion. His breath heated my skin before his lips covered it. I hesitated at first but then moved my hands to the back of his head, holding him there, though I knew he wouldn’t break away any time soon. If any physical connection between two human beings could elicit the most powerful emotions, this was it. I wanted to stay like this, with him, forever.
“I’ve got to get going.” He said, crushing the connection I knew he could feel too. It was too powerful. Too dangerous for two people who had scars that no one else could see.
The following week, the shop was gearing up for the upcoming car show. Bryant and I hadn’t spoken the rest of the weekend, though I was tempted to text him a few times. I didn’t want things to be weird between us, but the tension in the air covered the both of us like a black smog. And, we were expected to work together at the car show. That required talking, something neither of us were doing at the moment.
Rejection? Yeah, I was feeling a bit of that. I kept asking myself what I had done wrong. He had done what he promised me he would. He had no other obligations to me, though I hadn’t thought he had any to start with. Maybe it was better that way.
That box. That damned box. I couldn’t touch it since he’d dropped it off at my apartment, made me feel everything I wanted to feel again, and left. I scooted it under the coffee table, allowing myself to stare at the outside of it without revealing whatever secrets were inside. I knew there had to be plenty. But, for some reason I didn’t care at the moment.
“Do you have everything you need, Amber?” Adam came up behind me as I was lowering a box of business cards into the trunk of one of the vehicles we were taking.
Bryant had the duty of driving the dually that was hitched to the car trailer, while I was driving Adam’s favorite muscle car during the three-hour trip.
“I think we’re good.” I dusted my hands and slammed the trunk down.
I followed him back into the lobby where Cricket sat, talking to Bryant. They saw me and their conversation halted. I made a mental note to ask Cricket about it later. For now, I needed to focus on this drive that was about to kick my ass. I hated long road trips. They always left my stomach feeling more than queasy. I hoped Bryant was okay with making a few stops along the way. We were leaving in plenty enough time that we would make it in time no matter how many stops we made.
“Ready?” Bryant turned to me, waiting for my response.
“Yeah, let’s go.” He tossed Adam’s keys to me and lead the way out to the parking lot. I thought he might say something to me but he didn’t. He kept walking to the far end of the parking lot where the truck and trailer were parked. I chased after him and grabbed a hold of his arm. He stopped and looked down at my hand on his arm and then up to me.
“I’m sorry.” I sputtered, letting my hand fall away from his skin.
He hitched one of his eyebrows up as if having no clue to what I was referring to. “Forrrrr….?”
His one word seemed to drag on forever while I thought of what I was going to say next. “I’m sorry for kissing you.” I shoved my hands into my back pockets and rocked on my heels. Now that I had said it, it sounded so stupid. I was sorry for kissing him?
He was wearing sunglasses so I couldn’t read what he was thinking or feeling. As if on cue, he raised them to rest on top of his head.
In the sunlight, the specks of brown stood out and complimented the dark green color of his eyes. “You don’t have to be sorry, Amberly.”
“Yes, I do. You’ve been ignoring me all week when just last week, your hands were all over me. I can assume that I shouldn’t have kissed you.”
“Have you looked in the box?”
I rolled my eyes. “No.”
He tried to walk away but I got in front of him and held my hands against his chest. “Why do you keep trying to walk away?”
His jaw clenched and he pulled his lips in before releasing them so he could speak. “Amberly, I made a promise to you. A promise that’s only going to get muddy if we keep letting our emotions get the best of us.”
“What if I want our emotions to overshadow everything else?” I protested, trying to reason with him that I could handle it. That everything I had wanted before no longer mattered.
He turned his head to the left and looked to the distance, as if that would give him whatever answers he needed to relay back to me. “You and I both know that’s not what you want or need right now.” Another tick of his jaw. He looked at me then. I could see the tears forming. “Amberly, you are the strongest fucking woman I’ve ever met. To overcome all you’ve had to go through is amazing to see. The one thing you’re lacking is confidence. You lost that confidence the day you let yourself believe that you let Haylie down. I’d be an asshole to not give you that confidence back. From the day you had to let her go, you’ve wanted to give her the justice she deserves. I can’t stand in the way of what your heart set out to do from day one. Go through that box. Let it lead you to the answers you’re searching for. When that’s done then we can figure out what this is between us. For all we know this could be a physical attraction that even effort won’t hold together. Until both of our shit is sorted out, it’s a bad idea to let reason fall behind emotions.”
I let him go this time and walked to Adam’s car. As soon as I turned the key the most appropriate song came through.
Are we written in the stars baby, or are we written in the sand?