Billy was fuming the next time I saw him. He opened the door and said, “Get your ass in here, Marshall. We’ve gotta talk. I don’t make it a habit of getting in the middle of shit, but here I am. I have a saying my Grandma told me. She said, ‘It’s hard to fall in a pile of shit and come out smelling like a rose.’ She was fucking right about that, but it’s what I’m trying to do here.”

I gave him a long look and said, “Well, hi to you, too. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, but I guess you’ll clear it up? Do you have a beer in your fridge, Billy. It sounds like this might require one.”

Billy waved toward the refrigerator and said, “Help yourself. Then come join me in the living room. We really need to talk. I hope you’re over your fake sickness.”

I pulled an IPA from the refrigerator door and rummaged through the kitchen drawer to find a bottle opener. I popped the top off and swallowed a mouthful of the beer. It felt good going down. Joining him in the living room, I said, “You know I wasn’t sick, Billy, but yeah, I feel a lot better now. I think I’m back to my normal self.”

Billy sat in an upholstered chair, and I settled myself onto the couch. He said, “I hope your normal self is half as good as I made it out to be.”

I said, “I think you need to flesh out those comments a little bit more. None of what you’re saying is making a whole lot of sense to me.”

He said, “Jordan doesn’t know you weren’t really sick.”

“And I don’t think he’s going to find out, is he?”

“Not from me, but I think you need to talk to him. He’s a good guy, Marshall, and all I can see you doing is hiding from him. You’re telling him a lie, too. That’s not like you . What’s going on?”

I sucked down another mouthful of the beer. Then I stared back at Billy. I said, “I freaked out, okay. I’m not proud of it, but that’s what happened. Now I have to figure out what to do. I completely agree about Jordan. He’s a great guy. He didn’t deserve what happened.”

“Freaked out? Over Neil? I wish I could put this in some really nice, politically correct way, but I don’t know that I can. Neil was more than twenty years ago, Marshall. It’s time to move on.”

I heard the words, but it took awhile to really process them. I drank more of the beer, looked at Billy again, and then I tried to talk. “Billy, can I tell you what really happened? And please, don’t attack me for it or make fun of me. It’s hard enough as it is.”

He leaned forward toward me, and he said, “You’re my friend, Marshall, even when you’re being ridiculous. I would never make fun of you over anything serious. What the hell happened? It must have been a big deal.”

I took a long, deep breath. Then I said, “It was when we were having sex. Things were wrapping up, and I looked at Jordan. Then I saw Neil’s face. You know, like happens on TV. Jordan’s face changed into Neil. Then it was gone.”

“Damn, I’m sorry, Marshall. And then you ran?”

“Then I ran. I don’t know what it’s supposed to mean. Maybe because I’m dating somebody as young as Neil was? I mean, there are some similarities in how they look, but they really are two very different guys.” I set the beer bottle down and leaned forward toward my knees.

Billy said, “You know, Marshall, you can only wear Neil’s ring around your neck for so long. You can’t do it forever, or you’re gonna be alone. I don’t want you to be alone. You could be a really great guy for somebody.”

“But what do I do? Am I going to see Neil every time I do something with Jordan? I loved him, Billy. Neil was the love of my life. I’m worried that something deep in my gut thinks I’m cheating.”

Billy pointed at his head. He said, “Think up here. Does your brain think you’re cheating?”

I said, “No, of course not. Everybody should have the right to look for someone new when they lose a partner. I believe that. I think it’s healthy.”

“Would Neil think you’re cheating? Did you get to talk about it?”

I shook my head. “No, we never did. Until the very end, Neil thought he could fight it. He insisted that AIDS wouldn’t win.”

Billy hung his head and said, “But it did. I understand how that can make things even harder, but it also means you have to think for yourself, Marshall. Then it means you have to figure out how to get those rational thoughts to travel from your head to your gut.”

I shook my head and said, “I don’t know. I’m not sure how to do that.”

“Well, I know one way that you won’t deal with it.”

“How’s that?”

“You won’t deal with it by ignoring Jordan. I think he deserves to have you tell him about Neil. If you get serious at all, he will find out anyway. That photo on your dresser is a pretty clear announcement. It’s better to have him know who Neal was instead of walking into your bedroom and thinking he has competition.”

“Yes, you’re probably right, Billy. I hope he doesn’t think I’m totally fucked up already. I was going to put the photo away anyway.”

Billy said, “In the long run it’s probably a good thing to put that photo away, but don’t put it away because you’re trying to hide something. Jordan is just a little frustrated and confused.”

I asked, “And how do you know that?”

“I talked to him at the last softball game. You know, the one that you missed. Jordan was there like usual with those high school boys, and he asked me about you.”

I squeezed my thighs with my hands and said, “You didn’t say anything about Neil, did you?”

Billy was silent. He leaned back against the corner of the couch.

I asked, “You did?”

Billy said, “It was an accident. It just sort of rolled out of my mouth when he asked if you would be at the next game.”

“What did you tell him about Neil?”

“Nothing of any significance, Marshall. I just said he was a long ago boyfriend and you were having some memories of him.”

I asked, “But what does it look like if I freak out over those memories. Shit, I need to talk to him so he doesn’t get all the wrong ideas.”

“I think you need to talk to him in general.”

I pressed my hands against both sides of my head. I grumbled, “Why does it have to be so difficult? Dating Jordan was supposed to be easy summer fun.”

Billy said, “Maybe he’s worth more than looking at it that way. There’s potential, Marshall. I think there’s real potential.”