Marshall apologized as soon as I answered the phone. He said, “I’ve really been kind of a mess the last several days, and I need to explain why, if you will let me.”

I said, “Of course you can explain. I am a little bit confused, but I’ll do almost anything if it means I get to hug you again.” I laughed softly, and he joined in.

“Do you want to come over to my place or me to yours? Or would it be more comfortable if we met somewhere in public?”

I said, “Marshall, I’m not scared of you. At least I don’t think I have any reason I should be. I would be happy to come to your place and get to see what your house is like, if that works okay for you.”

I could hear the smile in his voice and he said, “That sounds great. Is ordering pizza okay? Then hopefully I can clear all of this up.”

“All I have to say is, do you want me there at 7?”

Marshall said, “I’ll see you then.”

---

Marshall’s house was a small story and a half bungalow. It was one of the smaller houses on his street, but it stood out by being set a little further back from the street. He had a neatly trimmed and tidy front yard. He told me on an earlier date that he bought the house fifteen years back. He said that sometimes it acted like a money pit but then he could go for three or four years without having to make any major repairs or conduct any significant upkeep projects. He said that what it needed now was a good new coat of paint.

Marshall asked, “What’s that in your hand?” when he opened the door.

I said, “I brought some homemade cookies. They’re chocolate chip. I thought they would work well as dessert after our pizza.”

Marshall grinned and said, “That’s a great idea. Let’s put them in on the kitchen table and then we can sit on the couch while I order the pizza. What do you like on your pizza?”

I said, “I’m sort of a traditionalist I guess. I usually just get pepperoni and sausage.”

“That works for me,” said Marshall. He pulled out his phone and then sat on one end of the couch. He patted the cushion between his legs and I sat with him pushing back up against his body as he made the call.

Marshall’s mood was bright and relaxed. He wasn’t the same man I saw leaving my house in a rush. Instead, he was much more like the guy I first met on the softball field.

He said, “The pizza should be here in about thirty minutes. They say give it forty, but it’s always early. The pizza place is only about ten blocks from here.”

Marshall set his phone on the coffee table and then wrapped both arms around my chest. After a quick rub, he gripped my chin in his hand and slowly turned my head to face him as he leaned forward. We shared a kiss. It was a quick one, but when our tongues touched, it made my toes curl in my sneakers. I was instantly reminded how much I missed Marshall over the past week.

I decided to rip the Band-Aid off quickly and I asked, “Is it okay if I ask about Neil?”

“Wow, you get right to the point, Jordan. I guess that’s good, though, since the subject is already out there. Otherwise, we would both spend the evening wondering when Neil would come up and I would get more and more worried.”

I reached up and touched his arm rubbing my fingers gently along the strong forearm muscles. I said, “I guess I wasn’t necessarily supposed to know anything about him, but Billy mentioned him casually, and I asked a question. He’s an old boyfriend?”

Marshall leaned forward and kissed the side of my head. He said, “Neil was a former partner. We were deeply in love.”

I asked, “What happened?”

“He got sick.”

I gripped Marshall’s arm. “Oh, man, I’m really sorry to hear that. Was it really bad. Did he get over whatever it was?”

Marshall sighed heavily and said, “Neil is dead. He’s been gone for over twenty years now.”

I sat in silence for a moment and then said, “Wow. Did he have cancer? A brain tumor?”

“AIDS” said Marshall almost in a whisper.

I froze. I didn’t know what to say. Instead, I just continued to rub his arm. Finally, I said, “That’s awful.”

Marshall leaned the side of his face against mine, and he said, “Yes, but I need to move past it. It was such a long time ago.”

I said, “And you were really young.”

Marshall said, “Yes, we were really young.”

“Before you say anything else, I have to ask, and I guess the right time to ask this would have been a few weeks ago. Are you poz?”

Marshall shook his head. He said, “I’ve been tested over and over. It has never been detected. Neil and I used protection. Obviously, he didn’t use it all the time before he met me. The doctors said there is always a possibility I have tiny amounts of rogue virus lurking in my body, but they said with a condom, there is less than a chance in a million that anyone I have sex would be infected.”

I held on to Marshall’s arm. “I’m not worried about that. I know you would be responsible about something like that. It’s awful. I’m so sorry, Marshall.”

He rubbed his cheek against mine again and sighed. “So I know that it has made it hard for me to connect in a really deep way with other men. I let it interfere with us, and for that I’m sorry.”

I turned my shoulders so that I could face Marshall. His face looked like he was thinking deeply. I asked, “So does it make you feel like you’re cheating on Neil?”

He nodded and said, “That’s exactly how it feels. That’s how it feels in my gut, but I know in my head that I’m not. My head tells me that Neil would have wanted me to find someone else long before now.”

I said, “Well, maybe you were just waiting for me.”

Marshall chuckled softly and said, “Maybe so.”

I added, “I do have some experience with things like this.”

“How do you?” asked Marshall. “You’re too young.”

I said, “My parents.”

“Your parents?”

I said, “Yeah. We lost my dad when I was just six years old. He fell asleep at the wheel late one night after a fourteen hour work day. He was on his way home when his car plunged into the back of a semi-trailer truck. They said he died instantly. It’s unlikely that he ever knew what happened.”

Marshall squeezed me tighter and whispered, “How horrible.”

Nodding, I said, “Yeah, it was. It was really surreal as a kid. One morning my dad was around waking me up, getting us breakfast, and then he never came home. For a long time, I was convinced he was still out there somewhere and eventually he would come home. Not even the tombstone with his name on it could convince me otherwise. I used to ask my mom, ‘Do you think Dad will come home this weekend?’”

“And your mom? How did she deal with it” asked Marshall.

“She didn’t even go out on a date with anybody else until I was twelve. Then she asked both me and my older sister if it was okay.”

“Was it?” asked Marshall.

“I had a little twinge in my gut, but I didn’t think she should be alone forever, so I said yes. That relationship didn’t last more than one date, but it got her started. Then when I was fifteen, she met my stepdad.”

“That all went smoothly?” asked Marshall.

“From the outside, yes, but I remember lurking outside the kitchen one night listening to her talk to her mom, my grandmother. The conversation got pretty heated, because Grandma said, ‘He’s a good man. David is gone. He’s not coming back, and I’m certain he wouldn’t want you to be alone.’”

I said, “My stepfather is a great man. I don’t remember my father very well, because I was so young, but they haven’t totally forgotten about my father. There are still a couple of photos of him with my mom and us as kids around the house, and every year on Memorial Day we still go out to the cemetery and put flowers on my father’s grave. He served in the military so it’s a very logical day to do that. My mom and stepdad live up in Green Bay, so it’s a quick trip there from here. I go and come back the same day.”

Marshall kissed the side of my neck and was quiet. I rubbed his arm. Then he reached a hand up and wiped at his left eye. I turned my head. He said, “I’m sorry,” and then he sniffed.

I twisted on the couch so that I was lying on my side resting against Marshall’s broad chest. I looked up into his handsome, sculpted face. I said, “You don’t have to apologize. It’s really hard. I think one of the hardest things to do is to let yourself cry when you feel like crying. That’s what my mom said. Sometimes she still feels like crying, but that doesn’t mean she loves my stepdad any less.”

Marshall wiped at his eye again and looked down at me. In his deep, rumbling voice he asked, “How did I find you? Can you run that by me again?”

I grinned and said, “I was the softball fan who didn’t know very much about softball. But I knew a great man when I saw him.”

Marshall inclined his head downward and we kissed. I could taste the saltiness of his tears on his tongue. I rubbed my hand against his chest while the kiss alternated from gentle to feverish. Then finally I pulled back and kissed the side of Marshall’s neck while he let out a low moan. He asked, “Can we start this all over again?”

I said, “I’m not sure we need to start over, but I think we can recognize that we hit a speed bump and successfully made it over the top.”

Marshall nodded and said, “I like that way of looking at it.” He wrapped his arms tighter around me again and then said, “I just want to hold you like this for awhile, Jordan. I just want to hold you.”