I was shocked to see Marshall at the door. With my abrupt avoidance of contact, I thought there was a chance I would never see him again. In the back of my mind, I sort of hoped I wouldn’t have to see him again. I felt both indignant and childish. Then I saw him at the door, and my stomach tied itself into knots. The iciness inside my veins began to melt when I saw that he brought dinner even after I’d been a total asshole for the past week.

When Marshall said we needed to talk, I knew there was no way out. I owed him at least an explanation. We were already too interconnected via the softball crowd to just disappear from each other’s lives. I had no choice but to answer him, “Yes, I guess you’re right.”

I watched as Jordan placed his big, thick hands on his hips. He was upset and he wanted answers. He asked, “So what’s going on? Is there someone else? Did I screw something up?”

I shook my head and said, “Neither of those. Marshall, it’s kind of hard to talk about. I need to figure out how to say what I need to say, but it’s not going to be easy.”

He continued to ask questions that were off the mark. “Are we moving too fast? We can slow things down. We’ve got lots of time.”

I was happy to realize that he didn’t think it was about the age difference. That wasn’t a problem at all, but a lot of people assumed that would be the first thing to cause trouble between Marshall and me. I said, “It’s just tough is all, and I need to ask some questions.”

He asked, “Would it help if we ate dinner first? We’ve got all of this Chinese food here.”

I said, “No, I can’t eat. At least I can’t eat yet. We can stick the food in the microwave and nuke it if we want to eat it later. Can we go sit on the couch? It will be a little bit easier to talk sitting down.”

Marshall sat in a chair while I chose the couch. I asked, “Could you come over and sit on the couch, too. I think you’re too far away over there. It makes me feel like you’re already halfway out the door.”

“Are you sure you want me close to you?” asked Marshall. “You’ve been avoiding me like I have the plague for the last week.”

With a deep sigh, I said, “I know, and I feel bad about that. Can you just give me a few minutes now that you’re here? I need to see if I can explain.”

Marshall stood up and seated himself at the opposite end of the couch. He said, “Just take your time. We’ve got all evening if we need it. I’m not planning to go anywhere until I know what’s going on.”

Without looking Marshall in the eye, I blurted out my first question. “Marshall, how much do I look like Neil?”

Marshall was silent. I wasn’t surprised. My question sounded like it came from out of the blue. I looked up and he was rubbing his chin. He said, “Quite a bit, actually. I’ve never really thought about it that much, but come to think of it, there are a lot of similarities. Why do you ask?”

“I found the closet in the guest room.”

Marshall’s eyebrows furrowed together. “You were snooping?”

I said, “Well, not really. You told me to look around the house, and it was the first time I saw the guest room. I opened the closet door…”

“All of those clothes,” said Marshall. “You know, I haven’t seen what’s in that closet for probably ten years or more. I was dating a guy. We made it to the third date, and I decided that I wanted to invite him in. Billy suggested that I put everything away. I stuffed everything into the closet except for one photo that I kept in a drawer in the bedroom. Billy told me it was kind of creepy to still have photos and things that belonged to Neil sitting around if I wanted to date somebody else.”

“You put everything away?”

Marshall said, “Yes, everything but the one photo. It’s upstairs in my underwear drawer. It was on the dresser, but I put it in there when I thought you might sleep over. It’s still there. I was reluctant to put anything away at first. It felt like I was putting Neil away. I guess it was the very first step on putting some of the demotions away. A first step on finally dealing with them, but then when I broke up with the guy, I stopped. When I went out to dinner with Ian, I realized how far I still needed to go. It’s really hard, Jordan. Getting over Neil is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

I nodded, and I was still stuck in my confusion about why Marshall picked someone who looked so much like Neil to date. I asked, “Is that why you decided to go out with me? Because I looked so much like Neil.”

“I guess that definitely might be part of it.”

I tensed and asked, “Isn’t that a little creepy?”

“Creepy?” asked Marshall. “I don’t look at it that way. Maybe I said it the wrong way. I’m not sure what’s creepy about it. It’s not like you’re Neil’s identical twin. Your faces are a little similar, and he was built a bit like you, but you’re stronger and have better muscle. I’m not sure Neil ever went to the gym.”

I said, “Well, I feel a little like you couldn’t let go of him so you found somebody who likes like him. Like I’m a stand-in for him.”

Marshall scrunched up his face. He said, “I think Becca is about the eighth blond-haired blue-eyed woman with glasses Billy’s dated since I’ve known him. They don’t all look exactly alike, but there is definitely a theme. I don’t think there’s anything really creepy about that. It’s just that Billy has a pretty strong set of preferences.”

Then Marshall asked, “Have you ever dated any other guys my age or that were built like me, Jordan. Or do you take a second look at guys built like me? What do you pick out for porn?”

I blinked. I thought about it for a second. I looked at older guys a lot. That was one of the first exciting things about Marshall. He had those mature, solid shoulders. I loved the little wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. His jaw was sculpted like it saw many years go by. I whispered, “I love older guys in porn. I love the ones with thick, broad chests like yours.”

Marshall nodded slowly and smiled. He said, “I don’t know if you can swim, Jordan, but you’re built like a swimmer. The swimmers are the only reason I watch the Olympics. Once in awhile I even freeze the TV frame when they have a really good shot of one of those guys standing there waiting for the race to begin. If you want to really indulge my fantasies, buy yourself a speedo.”

I laughed and asked, “Did Neil have one?”

Marshall shook his head. “Neil was a little shy about things like that. He didn’t like to show his body in public. He looked good, but, like I said, your body is more impressive if you’re looking for fitness and muscle. I loved going to bed with Neil, but, Jordan, I haven’t said it, but with you it’s like sleeping with the fucking geeky teacher that has this amazing body that most other people don’t get to see.” The super hot teacher that is a mild-mannered everyday guy while he’s at work at school. If there was a teacher who transformed into a superhero, you just might get the part.

I asked, “Do you know how many 40-year-old guys in suits that I see when I go downtown and wish would take their shirts off?”

Marshall chuckled and said, “I’m guessing quite a few.”

I started to laugh. “Yeah, quite a few, but that has pretty much stopped, because I know they can’t match you, Marshall. I’ve got the very best one.”

Marshall huffed and asked, “Then why the hell are you avoiding me?”

I blushed. “Maybe because I’m a little stupid sometimes? Maybe because I’m a little young and inexperienced in life? The nerves are still a little raw, but can I ask another question?”

Marshall nodded and relaxed back against the corner of the couch.

I asked, “Was Neil a teacher?”

Marshall burst out laughing.

“Why are you laughing?”

He said, “Because you’re still stuck on thinking I’m dating a carbon copy of Neil. Let me share some more of the differences with you, Jordan. I shouldn’t have to do this, but I think it’s going to bother you and nag at the back of your mind until I make things a little more explicit.

Neil worked in a department store. He was a retail guy. He was pretty good at his job, because he sweet and friendly and people found it hard to say no to him. On the other hand, he wasn’t an intellectual guy by any stretch of the imagination. If I talked about much of what I was doing in grad school, it just went right over his head. Neil was pretty, and he was sweet.”

I said, “I try to be pretty and sweet.”

Marshall said, “You’re handsome and smart, Jordan. There’s a difference.” He closed his eyes for a minute. Marshall was deep in thought. Then he said, “Neil lived in a tiny apartment west of downtown. He kept it clean, but the building was a pit. One of my dreams about the future was rescuing him from that life. You don’t need to be rescued, Jordan. This house here is just as nice as mine.”

I said, “But it’s a rental.”

“Are you saving to buy one?” asked Marshall.

I nodded and said, “Yes, I am unless I move into someone else’s house.”

“Damn, that sounds nice, doesn’t it?”

I said, “You know what, Marshall?”

“What? I’m always curious about what you’re thinking.”

“I’m hungry now. Can we nuke that Chinese food?”

Marshall rubbed at his belly and then climbed off the couch. He said, “I’m starving. I was being nice sitting here to talk you through this, but I need food.”

I followed him to the kitchen and pulled plates out of the cupboards. We mixed the rice and dishes together on separate plates and then lined them up for turns in the microwave.

While the first plate cooked, Marshall crooked his finger and said, “C’mere a minute, Jordan.”

He wrapped his big strong arms around me and pulled me in close. Then he poked at the side of my face just in front of my ear. He said, “That mole there.”

I sighed and said, “Yeah, what about it? I wish it wasn’t there, but I think it’s a little vain to go to a dermatologist just to remove a little mole.”

Marshall said, “Neil didn’t have one of those. I’m wondering if it’s a disqualification. You don’t look enough like him. I’ll have to find a better clone.”

I rolled my eyes and said, “You won’t find many that can kiss like this.”

He started to respond, but I smothered the words with my lips. Instead, a low, rolling rumble came from deep in his chest while our tongues touched. A shiver raced through my body from head to toe. When we came up for air I said, “I was being really stupid, Marshall. I understand that now. Will you forgive me?”

He said, “I can guarantee you that I’ll be stupid at some point in the future. Can we both agree to just have a little patience when that happens?”

I grinned and said, “It’s a deal. One more kiss and then let’s eat. I’m starving, too.”