Anna

The phone ringing startles me from Saffron A. Kent’s Gods & Monsters, a world of young, forbidden love, and brings me back to reality. I look at my cell and see my mom’s face flashing across the screen. I stare longingly at my Kindle wanting desperately to read what comes next, but if I don’t answer now, she’ll only call John to come here and make sure I’m alive.

“Hello?”

“Hi, sweetie. How are you?”

“I’m okay, Mom. How are you?”

“I just heard Wesley got a job working for Eddie again! I’m so happy for him.”

“It is great news.”

I smile, thinking about how happy he must be. He was so worried, but I knew he could do it.

“We’re going to have dinner at the club on Sunday to celebrate.”

Ugh. The club.

Green Briars is the country club my parents belong to. It’s lavish and expensive. They joined just after Charlie and I started dating, which made us ridiculously happy at the time because, instead of being miserable at the stuffy place, we would sneak off and meet up. I haven’t gone there with my family in years because I can’t handle the memories. Plus, I don’t want to run into him.

My palms start sweating at the thought.

“I’m sorry. I can’t make it, Mom.” My voice is barely above a whisper.

She sighs, and the sound says more than any words can. It says, I’m frustrated. I don’t understand you. Why can’t you snap out of this?

“Anna…” Her voice is resigned. She doesn’t know what to say to me.

I wish I weren’t such a basket case. I wish I could swallow past the lump in my throat. Make my pulse slow down. Quiet the stampede of elephants in my gut. Stop my sweat glands from working overtime, even when I wasn’t hot. But it’s all I can do to stay on the line and breathe.

“Can you please make an effort to be there? You haven’t come to the club in years. John and Reanell are coming. And I’m sure Wesley would feel more comfortable with you there, too. He already thinks he shouldn’t go because of what people might say about him.”

“Then, why not just have a celebratory dinner at home? He’d be more comfortable there.”

“Because I don’t care what other people think about him. I’m proud of him, and I want to show everyone else that he has our support.”

She’s right. Of course she is. Wesley won’t want to step foot in the club. He’ll be uncomfortable with all of the attention. Worse yet, he’ll feel like he isn’t worthy because of his record. He knows my parents support him. But this public declaration will make an impact. And I’m going to have to pull up my big-girl panties and go show my support, too.

“Okay, I’ll be there.”

“Do you think you’re a born-again virgin?” Christy asks seriously as she scrolls through Netflix to find a movie.

I throw popcorn at her. “Shut up, Chris. That isn’t a thing. Once your cherry is popped, it can’t grow back.”

“And you’re sure your cherry has been popped?” Desirae raises her eyebrows, smiling playfully at me.

“Why do you guys care so much about the state of my sex life?” I huff.

Seriously, it’s like we can’t get together without talking about it.

“Because we think you need an intervention. Are you a lesbian? Because we would totally support you and try to find you a hottie to go out with.” Desirae stretches her legs over my lap, wiggling her freshly painted hot-pink toenails at me. “Did you see that girl who came in the store today? She was hot.”

“I’m not a lesbian. And, yes, I’m sure my cherry has been popped. It was just a long time ago. I was young and stupid, and I don’t want to make mistakes again.”

“Really? I want to make as many mistakes as I can until I get it right.” Desirae smiles wickedly.

My girlfriends like sex. A lot. And they share their sexcapades with me all the time. I know that Christy and her husband have sex almost every day. Sometimes, more than once. Even when she’s on her period.

Desirae is in between boyfriends right now, but she isn’t shy to go home with a guy and let him know she’s using him for his body.

“Besides, you’re older and wiser now, babe. Give yourself a bit of credit. Don’t you think you’d make smarter decisions now?”

Like fantasize about my brother’s best friend? My childhood friend? The one guy who can’t possibly think of me as anything other than his best friend’s little sister?

Wes is the only guy who wakes my body up. The only guy in a long time.

“I dunno. But I’m not worried about it, unlike you two. I couldn’t care less if I ever had sex again.”

They both look at me in horror.

“You’re such a lying liar,” Desirae says somberly.

“Seriously, Anna. Sex must have really sucked for you to feel like this.”

I shrug, looping my finger under my necklace and pulling the pendant side to side. The sex wasn’t the problem. Charlie and I were like insatiable bunnies; once we crossed the line and had sex, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. It was the result of the sex that was the problem.

After I had the abortion, Charlie broke up with me, and then Wesley went to prison. I couldn’t think about dating anyone else. My world had just imploded. Nothing was normal, and sexy was the very last thing I felt.

The couple of dates I went on were a total joke. There was no way I could get intimate with someone I didn’t trust completely.

And I didn’t trust anyone enough to tell them about my past. Not even my two best friends.

Christy looks at me, concerned. “Okay, I’m just going to ask.”

Oh God. What is she going to ask? Can she tell I had an abortion? Have I ever reacted to babies in a weird way around her? Is she going to hate me? Judge me? Never want anything to do with me again?

Panic claws at my throat in the five seconds it takes for her to speak again.

“Honey,” she says gently, “were you raped?”

Raped?

I’m so relieved a laugh barks out of me. I look back and forth between my two best friends, pulse kicking up at the question. They exchange a sidelong glance, and I realize they’ve talked about this together. They’re really worried about me.

“No. I promise you guys, I was never raped. It’s nothing like that.”

“So then…what is it?” Desirae’s eyes are wide, her expression earnest.

“You can tell us anything; we won’t judge,” Christy adds.

Maybe it’s the way they’re looking at me. Maybe it’s just…time. Time for me to confide in my best friends.

They might hate me because of my choices. But it’ll never be more than I hate myself.

So, I tell them. They already know of my childhood crush on Wes. Then, how I dated Charlie and my subsequent hiatus from men. I fill in the blanks.

“When I was sixteen, I got pregnant.” My voice is not as strong as I’d like it to be.

“Oh, Anna,” Christy gasps.

“You did?” Desirae sits up, eyes wide, attention one hundred percent locked on me.

I nod, trying desperately not to cry. “I was afraid. I didn’t want to mess up my future or Charlie’s life. And I knew, if I had the baby, he’d give up everything to help me. I was afraid he’d resent me. But, more than that, I was afraid I couldn’t handle it all.”

I can’t look at them. Especially when I flounder for the reasons I did what I did. How can I justify my choice? It all sounds so weak now when it was monumental at the time.

“So, you decided to end the pregnancy?” Desirae asks gently.

I close my eyes and nod. Tears run down my cheeks, leaving wet tracks behind. I cover my face with my hands, feeling a fresh wave of shame. And dread. I can’t bear to see their reaction. Christy and Desirae have been my best friends for years. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

“Oh, honey,” Desirae whispers.

Tentative hands pet my hair and rub up and down my arms. Soon, I’m sandwiched between them and sobbing.

“Shh, we’re here,” Christy soothes.

They do their best to quell my emotional outburst.

Then, I realize they’re actually comforting me. This gives me hope that they don’t hate me.

I wipe my face and open my eyes, reluctantly scanning their faces. To my surprise, they’re both crying, too.

“Hey, why are you guys crying?” I croak.

“Because you’re upset, you idiot. Why do you think?” Desirae leans over to get some tissues from the side table next to the couch. She hands some to me and Chris, then loudly blows her nose.

“I hope Charlie was supportive.”

In for a penny…

“You see…I…I didn’t actually tell him until after the fact,” I admit the worst part of it all, cringing.

“Wow. I’m guessing he didn’t react well when you finally told him, did he?”

“You’re not wrong,” I tell Desirae.

“Wow, no wonder you decided to grow your hymen back.”

I laugh, then cover my mouth, shocked that I can laugh at a time like this.

Then, Christy laughs. And Desirae joins in. Soon, the three of us are laughing so hard, tears form. Then, the laughing tears trigger a fresh wave of crying tears for me.

The whole scene ends up being surprisingly…cathartic. I feel lighter than I have in years.

“You guys don’t…hate me?” I ask, shocked with the way they’re taking this.

“Oh, Anna, I could never hate you. I’m sorry you went through that at such a young age,” Christy says, squeezing my hand.

“Even sorrier that you feel so badly about the decision you made.” Desirae squeezes my other hand.

“Thank you for listening. And not judging or hating me. I love you guys, you know that?” I stare at their beautiful faces, grateful for their friendship.

This triggers another round of tearful hugs.

“I have an idea! What if we go get pedicures on Sunday? Have some more girl time?” Desirae asks, wiggling her toes.

“Ugh. My mom just invited me to Sunday dinner at the club. I’d much rather hang out with you guys though. That place is full of memories from when I was dating Charlie.”

“Do you think you’ll see him?” Christy asks.

“I haven’t seen him since we graduated high school; I doubt I’ll run into him now.”

I wrap my arms around my middle at the thought of seeing him after all this time. Despite my trying to apologize a thousand times after he broke up with me, he never heard me. Never gave me the time of day. I don’t blame him really. I just wish he knew how sorry I was.

“Okay, we’ll reschedule.”

“But, Anna?” Christy squeezes my shoulder. “If you ever need to talk about this, just let us know. That’s what we’re here for, okay?”

“Okay.”