“I thought we were going on lockdown?” Toi asks as I lay her down on the bed.

She’s right; I really should take her down there for the night. But, I can’t bring myself to do it. I want this night with her alone. We have a bedroom down there, but it’s small and it will be loud because it’s right off the common area. There’s very little privacy with everyone down there and that’s not what I want with Toi—not after what we just shared.

“I decided tonight we’d break the rules. I want you to myself.”

“I’m not going to argue with that,” she whispers, stretching. “You changed the sheets…”

“I’m a man of many talents,” I tell her with a grin as I slide into bed with her.

“I already discovered that.”

I look at her with that reply. She’s grinning and she’s happy. I see it all over her and I love that I get that from her. I’m a selfish bastard when it comes to Toi. I want to be the only one that gives her joy like I see on her face right now. I want her completely tied to me in every way possible. It seems only fair since that’s where I’m at with her. Toi is all I think of and she’s definitely all I want. Which is why I’m about to give her a piece of me I’ve given very few people.

“I could become addicted to you,” I tell her, pulling her into my body.

She rolls to her side and holds me, her arm coming across my stomach and her head resting on my chest.

“I’m hoping,” she whispers, placing a kiss on my chest.

We lay like that for a little bit, the room quiet. I’m content in ways I’ve never been before. My fingers are sifting through her damp hair and it occurs to me I’ve never done this with a woman. In all of my years, not once have I held a woman through the night, breathed in her scent and felt like this… like my soul is at ease. My club is at war, my woman has a price on her head and the world is going to hell around me. That’s still there, but right now with Toi I’m centered, I’m calm and I’m fucking happy.

“You’re thinking way too hard,” she whispers, her voice sleepy-soft.

“Some things aren’t easy for a man to confess, Dragonfly.”

“Then don’t…”

“I want to. Fuck, as strange as it is for me, I don’t want to hold anything back from you. I’ve been telling you for a while now, Toi, you’re special to me. I don’t think you fully believe me.”

“Marcum—”

“Don’t deny it, Dragonfly.”

“I wasn’t going to. I haven’t had the experience to—”

“I noticed,” I smile, still feeling like a fucking king because I’m Toi’s only man—I don’t care what kind of son of a bitch that makes me. It’s the truth.

She slaps me playfully, and sighs.

“I just mean, you’ve had so many women, women who have—”

“Honest to God, Dragonfly, I remember none of them when I’m with you. Fuck, the longer I’m with you, I don’t remember any of them in my life. But, even if I did, you can’t judge what you and I have by the past, Toi. My past is just that. I’m giving you the future and everything I am—which, fuck, baby… It’s not a lot, but it’s yours.”

“They matter, Marcum. They’re the mother of your children and I’ve grown to care for them, even if you did kind of force me into that situation.”

“This… what we’re doing isn’t what I had planned, Toi. You need to know that. Believe it or not, I wanted to protect you from your… from Weasel. I didn’t see past that. I was a dick, I admit it—”

“You still are a dick,” she sighs and I laugh.

“That’s probably not going to change, honey. I’m too fucking old to change that much.”

“I figured.”

“Quit distracting me, woman. I’m trying to reassure my woman so I can sleep because she wore me out.”

She shifts, rubbing her body against mine and draping her leg over my hip.

“You don’t feel worn out,” she says.

“You angling for my dick, woman?”

“Maybe, but condoms this time are a must.”

“That ship has sailed.”

“No, just because it happened once doesn’t mean we can’t be careful from here on. I love your kids, Marcum, I do. I’m not adding another one to your brood.”

“My brood?”

“You could field your own football team.”

“We have a problem, Dragonfly. Because I want a child with you. Fuck, I need one with you.”

“You have kids and grandkids, Marcum.”

“But they’re not ours.”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now,” she says pulling away from me. She sits up, pulling the sheet around her chest as she goes.

“Why not?”

“Because I just gave you my virginity! The last thing I want to discuss is your strange, twisted need to have a million kids! I don’t really want to be one in a number of women who you breed and then forget, Marcum!”

“Did you ever notice that when you’re alone with me, your voice comes back? Or the fact you can yell like fucking crazy?”

“Because you make me crazy,” she huffs.

“Or maybe you feel safe with me, Dragonfly. Hell, maybe I even relax you, like you do me. You ever think of that?”

“I don’t feel relaxed right now.”

“Because you’re getting your tits in an uproar over nothing.”

“My tits… over nothing?”

“That’s what I said.”

“You populating enough children to fill a third world nation is not… nothing.”

“I haven’t.”

“Whatever. I’m going back to my room. I should have known asshole-Marcum would show up,” she mutters, her voice breaking and going back to quiet, but I’m not sure it’s because of her injury or the emotion I hear causing it.

“I only have one child, Toi.”

“Marcum, I’m really not in the mood for this. I told you I love your kids. I just don’t want to discuss—”

“The only child I have that I’m one hundred percent sure of is Maxwell.”

“I really… Are you serious?”

“I was too young to be sticking my dick in any woman. Max’s mother was a piece of work, but she can’t really take the blame for that. She was in a state facility for a while. Crazy as fucking hell. I didn’t know it at the time. All I saw was a chance to fuck a good looking woman and that was a lot more appealing than my hand.”

“Jesus.”

“I didn’t even know about Max until later in life. I reached out to him, but by then he hated me. He had his reasons and really none of them were wrong.” I still feel guilt that will never go away when it comes to Max.

“He cares for you now. I’ve seen it.”

“We’re finding our way. When he got in trouble, he came to me and I’ve done everything I can to make sure he never regretted that.”

“What about the other kids? Marcum, they adore you.”

“And I love them. They’re my children. I may not have fathered them, but they’re mine either way.”

“You don’t know if—”

“Some there’s just no way. I wasn’t with them physically, but they were in a bad way. Their mothers came to me, knowing I could give their child a decent life. That sounds fucked-up, considering who I am and the way I live my life, but it’s true. It is what it is, Dragonfly. Others? I used protection, always, and I know that shit is not a hundred percent, but it’s pretty fucking effective. The truth is none of it matters. They’re mine. Kids should never feel like they don’t have someone who gives a shit about them in this life, Dragonfly. Never.”

“Like Max did?”

She sees me. Again the thought hits me, clear to the fucking bone. She sees parts of me no one ever has before and she does it effortlessly. There’s so much guilt inside of me about Max, about the fucking way he grew up. If I had known… I could have made it different. I would have been there for him…

I clear my throat, trying to sort through my brain, but all I can think is…

Toi understands me… and she cares.

Those two facts might seem small, but they feel fucking huge.