“You sure about this man?” Topper asks as we watch Toi leave Desi and Harley’s room.

“Don’t have a choice,” I mutter. Desi and Harley are at the back of the room with Babs while she distracts them.

“You like her,” he says, stating the obvious.

“Quit beating a dead horse. So I like her. I’ve liked other women before. Let’s get, before she gets too far ahead of us,” I growl. I’m hurting, in a way I didn’t expect. I don’t need Topper rubbing salt in my wounds. I look over at my children. They’re going to miss Toi almost as much as I am. Harley included, even if he is struggling right now. “Hey kids, Uncle Topper has something he wants to show me. We’ll be back a bit later.”

“Okay, Dad!” Desi hollers. Harley just looks at me. He hasn’t said much since our talk. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about how he will react to Toi being gone.

“You know as well as I do Marcum that your reactions with Toi have been different than with any other woman you’ve been around.”

“Bullshit,” I deny immediately. “She’s like every other woman.” I arguing, but I know she’s not. Toi is special. The feelings she evokes in me are different.

“It’s bad enough you’re fucking lying to yourself, but now you’re lying to me. Man I’ve been with you from the beginning.”

“So?”

“I’ve seen you deal with women. It’s always sex. Most of the time it’s just sex. Cherry was different. She’s the first woman I’ve seen you around where you seemed genuinely happy.”

“Fuck off, Topper. I’m always happy.”

“Yeah, you’re a barrel of laughs,” he mutters, and I flip him off.

“Just let it be. Cherry might have been a little different, but she ended the same. She left and it’s all water under the damn bridge now.”

“To be fair, man, there’s not a lot of women out there that would be okay with the fact you killed—”

“She was part of the club, Topper. It’s not like she didn’t know what happens.”

“True, but you had never sought vengeance on a woman before.”

“Jenna was a fucking bitch who deserved death. She crossed me, she crossed my club, but most of all, she endangered Tess and Maddie. Not to mention the fact she fucked up Maxwell’s life.”

“Still, have you told any of them that you ended Jenna?”

“Wasn’t their concern.”

“Right. So you expected Cherry to accept what you’re afraid your own family can’t.”

“Babs doesn’t have a problem with what you do for the club,” I mutter, scratching my beard.

“Babs is a special woman. She’s been in this life as long as I have, and knows that anyone in this life better not cross the wrong people. She doesn’t ask for details, but she would never condemn me either.”

“Fine. Let’s say you’re right. Toi is young and never been in this life. Do you see her accepting anything that a woman like Cherry couldn’t?” Topper doesn’t say anything, even though I wish he would—but he’d be lying and we both know it. “And there’s my answer asshole. So like I said, let it go. Nothing is changing who I am and who Toi is. Nothing is changing the fact that I’m way too fucking old for her, I live the life I’m in—one I happen to like. She would have to accept it and there’s no way that’s going to happen. If nothing else Cherry taught me that. It’s a no-win situation, any way you look at it.”

“You could…”

“Change? Fuck that shit. I am who I am and I’m not about to change now. Shit I don’t even want to.”

“I was going to say that you could lie to her. Keep the truth about what we do hidden.”

“Lies always have a way of floating to the top. You know that. It’s better this way,” I tell him and I wish I could believe my own words.

Nothing about letting Toi go feels right. I went around and around it in my head last night. Every answer ends up the same. She’s too young, inexperienced and sweet to touch. No matter how much I’m fucking dying to touch her. Shit. Last night I passed up sex with one of the club girls, only to end up coming in my hand to visions of Toi riding me and those fucking tits of hers bouncing as she used my cock hard and fast. Shit, even now I can see it in my head and my cock jerks in my pants.

I want her. I’m not sure I’ve ever wanted a woman more. Which means I’m screwed, because I can’t have her. I won’t allow myself to pull an innocent into my world. Even if being without her means I have the world’s worst case of blue balls.

“Zip it up,” I whisper as we start walking down toward the secret stairway that leads to the cellar. Sound echoes from here out and I don’t want Toi to know I’m following her. I already have men stationed around the area outside, but I couldn’t bring myself to let her go unguarded even through the passage.

Topper nods and we walk as quietly as we can toward the stairwell. I can hear Toi’s footsteps, hurried and erratic. I hate that she’s worried. I hate that she doesn’t trust me. Mostly I hate every fucking thing about this.

Every. Fucking. Thing.