“You’re shitting me!” Nicole yells as she almost drops her glass of wine. “I’m going to rub myself all over your couch.”

“You would.”

We’re at her lush apartment in downtown Tampa working on killing off our second bottle of wine. I spent all day at the hospital with Stephanie and then refused to go home. So, instead of answering any of her twenty texts, I came here.

“What is wrong with you?” Nicole has probably asked me that ten times since I got here.

“Nothing is wrong with me! I’m being realistic. If Matt, who was a local cop that I’ve known for almost my whole life left because of Steph, what do you think an international superstar is going to do? Huh? Have you thought about that?”

“You’re so dumb.”

“You’ve been telling me that for a long time.” I huff and take another gulp of wine. I get that she thinks I’m foolish, but I can’t open myself up like that again. I’d be asking for my heart to be broken. I’d rather not. “There’s no way that Eli is going to stick around Tampa, and I’m never going to move away from Steph.”

Nicole takes the glass from my hand and places it on the table. Her eyes are soft, but I know what’s coming. She’s going to lay into me something fierce. “I’ve watched you make mistakes before, and I haven’t said shit. Not this time. I’m telling you right now that if you don’t do this, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel something for him.”

“I don’t know what I feel.”

“Yes, you do. You had a crazy night with him, and it threw you for a loop. I get it. You’re the straight-laced one of us. You don’t do wild, and you don’t take risks. Life has been a series of heartbreaks for you. I know this. We all do, but fuck, Heather, you have to live! There’s no reason that you can’t actually live the life you’ve been given.”

Tears form, and my heart aches. I know she loves me and what she said is all true, but damn it, I hate her for it. I do the best I can, and I don’t know how many times I can be hurt before I finally have enough.

When my sister dies, it’s going to kill me. I’ll have no family left, and I can’t waste any of the little time I have with her. It’s the truth I can’t bring myself to say.

I sure as hell can’t chase the idea of a guy who can essentially wreck my world. It’s stupid, and I won’t make mistakes like that. Not when my sister needs me. Eli is always photographed traveling, partying, and eating at all these expensive restaurants where I couldn’t even afford a salad.

“Jesus, have you and Steph been swapping notes?”

“No, but if she’s saying anything like I am, she’s freaking right.”

“You know why I’m this way.” I wipe the bead that trickles down my cheek.

“I do.” Nicole takes my hand in hers. “I’m not trying to hurt you, but I can’t watch you like this anymore. Your sister doesn’t want you to keep going this way and neither would your parents. It’s okay to take chances and get hurt. It’s okay to have regrets and triumphs, but it isn’t okay to just . . . be.”

“And what if he’s like Matt?”

She smiles. “Then you dump his stupid ass and I’ll feed you ice cream and wine.”

I groan and drop my head against the back of the couch. “I hate when you make sense.”

Nicole laughs. “I bet. It doesn’t happen too often, so don’t worry.”

“I miss when all we worried about was if we’d go to prom with our boyfriends.”

“I always knew that I wouldn’t. Boys are dumb. I was much happier going stag and hanging out with you, Kristin, and Danni.”

Crap. We’re going to have to tell them about this. I’ve avoided their calls because I’m the world’s worst liar. They will see right through whatever crap I try to sell them. “I have to tell them, don’t I?”

“Nah, I’ll tell them we couldn’t meet him.” I let my head fall to the side so I can look at her, and then I pull her against me for a hug. “Keep this to yourself for a while. You need to decide without anyone’s influence.”

“So, what you’re saying is that I should just listen to you?”

“Precisely.”

I laugh silently and let that go. My mind wanders to last night. I can’t help thinking about how normal Eli seemed. He wasn’t pretentious, he ate pizza from the box while we lounged on my ratty, old couch. There were no demands. It was only the two of us. It was comfortable even.

Just like the first time we were around each other.

Maybe I am being crazy and overthinking this. There’s something about him that I can’t stop thinking about. His smile causes butterflies in my stomach. His laugh is music that speaks to my heart. And even though I’ve spent all day trying to convince myself that he’s the last thing I even want to think about, he’s what I’ve spent all day talking about.

I’m screwed.

“What if he never comes back?” I ask Nicole.

“Then he’s a complete idiot. You’re worth chasing.”

People can say what they want about Nicole, but she’s the best person I know. Sure, she drives me nuts, but I love her. She’s been there for me every step of the way, and I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

I pass through the metal gates of the only place I feel close to my parents. Once I park, I grab the bouquet of flowers and head to their graves. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here, but I haven’t really had a reason to come talk to them.

If I’m completely honest, I’ve been angry for a long time.

Navigating the paths isn’t difficult, and soon, I crouch in front of my parents’ final resting places. “Hi, Mom and Dad.” I start to pull overgrown weeds and wipe away some of the dirt. My fingers trace the cool stone, and I close my eyes, allowing sadness and the smell of fresh cut grass to fill my body.

“I know I haven’t been here in a while, I’m sorry.” I tuck my hair behind my ear. “It’s sometimes hard to get here, especially lately.”

After passing out on Nicole’s couch, I woke this morning and drove here. There’s a lot I need to say, and sometimes a girl just needs her mother.

This is one of those times.

“There’s so much that’s happened since I last visited. Matt and I are divorced now, but that’s kind of old news. Let’s see, I’m still partnered with Brody, he’s annoying as all hell, but I can’t imagine working beside anyone else. Stephanie is living in Breezy Beaches full time. It’s hard not having her with me, but it got to be too much. Everything is a mess, Mom. I did something stupid, and now I don’t know what to do.”

I place the flowers on the ground and start to arrange them. “I met this guy, you probably remember my obsession with Four Blocks Down—Eli specifically. Well, we met at his concert the other night, and I . . .” I feel weird telling my mom about our one-night stand. Not that she can respond and tell me about her disappointment, but still. “Anyway, he showed up at the house last night, and we talked for hours. I like him, but it’s so complicated. I’m not special or anything. I’m worried that he’ll break my heart, and I really don’t have much left of it as it is.”

As much I want to talk to her about this, there’s something else that forced me to finally drive here. The confliction I feel isn’t just about Eli, it’s about my whole life. All the things that I can’t control, and I’m tired of spinning.

My fingers trace her name on the cool headstone, reminding me that everything here is dead. “I hope you understand why I’ve stayed away. Seeing your names like this hurts so much sometimes. Hell, pretty much all the time. And soon, Steph will be here with you.” I drop my hand and fight the surge of tears that threaten to fall. “I don’t know how I’ll go on when that happens. I’ve tried so hard to accept this, but I can’t. I’ve done everything I can for her, but she keeps getting sicker, and it’s killing me. I love her so much.” There’s no stopping the tears now. They flow, and I know that I need this. I need my mother to hear me. “I know she isn’t my daughter, but she’s been mine to raise, and she’s going to die. Just like you and Daddy. Just like everyone I love. You all get taken from me.”

My hand finds its way back to the top of the stone, and I let my forehead rest against my knuckles as I fall apart. Fears that I’ve shoved deep for years all bubble to the surface. Losing my sister will be the nail in my own coffin. I will have lost each member of my family without any way of stopping it.

“I’m supposed to help people. I save people every day, but I can’t save her, Mommy. I can’t help her. I can’t give her a life that she deserves. I’m so sorry. I know you trusted me to keep her safe.” All the emotions I’ve been holding in pour out. The crying is loud and painful, but necessary. I’ve been strong for so long, I don’t have it in me anymore. “How can you let God take her from me, too? I’ll be alone and have failed you all. Please forgive me—” My words choke off and I fold in on myself, sobbing and trying desperately to draw air into my too-tight lungs.

Eventually, when my eyes are red and puffy and my emotions have run dry, I stand and touch my hand to my lips before pressing the kiss on the headstone. “I love you both. I miss you more than you’ll ever know, and I hope it’s a while before I’m back here again.”

Because the next time will be Stephanie’s funeral.

I walk back to my car, draw a few calming breaths, and then flip the visor down. I’m a mess. I wipe away the makeup that was ruined by crying.

There’s a reason I don’t come here often: it’s too damn hard.

My phone pings with a text.

I close my eyes and try not to think about the fact that I lost it over her impending death.

My lips turn into a smile and a giggle slips from me. I can picture her rolling her eyes at me.

The drive to the hospital takes about ten minutes, all of which I use to collect myself and put my mask firmly back in place. If she sees that I’ve been crying, she’ll do what she can to tell me about her acceptance of her fate. That isn’t what I need to hear . . . ever.

Sometimes, I wonder if she would rather it happen already so she can stop suffering. I’m too selfish for that. I want every minute I can get with her. I’ll take a hundred bad days as long as I can touch her, talk to her, and keep her close.

I enter the room and completely freeze. Stephanie is flirting with a male nurse. He’s sitting on her bed, and her eyes move down as she smiles. I watch as she bats her eyelashes and tucks her brown hair behind her ears like I do when I’m nervous.

Then Stephanie’s gaze shifts, and she spots me. “Heather!” She jumps, and the man leaps to his feet. “Hey! I didn’t see you there.”

I grin. “I see that.”

“This is Anthony,” Steph says with a sigh. “He’s my daytime nurse and friend.”

Oh, boy. I’ve seen this look before. This must be why she isn’t fighting her doctor to be discharged anymore.

“Hi, Anthony,” I say as I walk forward. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“I just finished my shift and was checking on her,” he explains, as if I haven’t already gotten his number.

“That’s awfully nice of you.” I look over at Steph, still grinning.

She gives me a look that clearly tells me to stop it. I haven’t seen her even look at a man since she was diagnosed with Huntington’s all those years ago.

“Well, she’s a huge comic book fan, and I promised to show her my latest collector edition Superman I bought yesterday.”

“Yes,” Steph interjects and touches his arm. “He got the one I was looking for online.”

“Really?” I bury my skepticism deep. Stephanie has never touched a comic book.

“Yes, Heather.” Her eyes narrow, and she purses her lips. “Anthony is going to let me see it tomorrow.”

Oh, I get it.

“I’ll let you visit with your sister, Stephy, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Anthony squeezes her hand and moves toward me. “It was great to meet you. She talks about you a lot.”

“It was nice to meet you also,” I reply as he walks away.

As soon as he’s down the hall, I rush over to her side, and we both laugh. “Comic books? Stephy? You hate that nickname! You are in so deep if you’re already being all dorky.”

“Shut up!” She slaps my arm. “I’m not dorky. I’m doing what normal girls do when they like a guy. He’s cute. He kept coming to check my vitals way more than necessary, and I don’t know . . . I wanted someone to talk to.”

“I think it’s great,” I say to assure her. “And I am too normal.”

“Yeah, you’re normal my ass,” Steph retorts.

She’s right, I’m totally not normal.

“Anyway, I’m glad you’re putting yourself out there a little.”

I love that she’s getting some human interaction other than with Brody and me. Nicole checks in on her once in a while, but usually it’s just the people in the home and me. She has no friends that are around anymore, which is sad but unsurprising. Most people don’t stick around long when something this serious happens. Not because they are cruel or uncaring. They just didn’t know what to say or how to handle themselves. I understand to some extent, but I hate it for her.

Unfortunately, it’s made it so there’s a great amount of loneliness that my sister struggles with. I can take her anger, knowing it isn’t really her, it’s her illness. What I can’t stomach is the thought of her feeling lonely. It breaks me in ways that I would sell my soul to prevent.

“I know there’s no future,” Her face falls, and her tone becomes sullen.

“Stop.” I shake her hand. “You’re allowed to have friends, and if you both like comic books, then let it happen.”

She laughs. “Can you go buy me a comic book so I know what they look like?”

I burst into laughter. “Sure thing.”

Stephanie looks away as her exhilaration fades. “I don’t want to get attached.”

“Babe, he’s a nurse, he knows what he’s getting into.”

Of all the possible people she could have met, I’m happy it’s him. He probably understands better than anyone what her future looks like.

“May—” she starts to say and begins to cough, which is deep and wet and sends me straight into panic mode.

I rub her back as she gets control. “I’ll get the doctor,” I say, but she grips my arm.

“No, it’s fine. It’s just from the air conditioner. I had them fix it.”

“Are you sure?” I ask.

“Yes, it’s fine. See? I’m fine.”

She crosses her arms across her chest and waits for me to relax. I hate that I fuss over her so much, but I can’t help it. I feel like my vigilance is the only thing keeping her alive. I’m not going to quit now.

“Fine, but if you cough like that again . . .” She doesn’t need to hear the rest to know what I mean.

“You’re so not normal.” She rolls her eyes while shaking her head. “So, you went to the cemetery?”

“I did.” I pause, thinking about what led me there. “I had an interesting night and needed Mom.”

“Interesting how?” The curiosity seeps through her words.

I sigh, lie back on the bed with her, and tell my sister about my night with Eli Walsh.