“We did everything we could, Ms. Covey. I’m truly sorry for your loss.” The doctor explains as I stand with a steady stream of tears trekking down my cheeks and dripping off the tip of my chin.

My sister has drawn her last breath.

Three days ago, we were at an amusement park. We were laughing, enjoying our time together, and now she’s dead. No warning, no time to say goodbye, nothing but agony.

Now I stand in a cold, stark room while they try to give me some kind of answers.

“How did this happen so fast?” I ask. “I thought there would be a warning, something to tell me it was coming.”

Anthony comes forward. “She begged us not to tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

Dr. Pruitt touches my arm. “Stephanie was being treated for pneumonia after her seizure. It’s why we kept her a few extra nights. The antibiotics weren’t working, but she demanded we stop all treatment and discharge her. We did the best we could with the parameters she set.”

Anger floods my veins, searing the pain in every limb. She chose this? She knew? They were lying to me? Don’t they know what this cost me? My chest heaves as I struggle to understand how this could happen.

I look to Eli and then back to the doctor, and I erupt, “I don’t understand! How could no one tell me? How didn’t you think I should know?” I scream at them. “I was her caretaker! She wasn’t thinking straight! I’m her sister! I should’ve known.”

Eli pulls me into his embrace, and I wail. I smack his arm and then his chest, angry at everyone. Angry at him because I was with him when this happened. Angry at Stephanie because she didn’t tell me. I could’ve had another three days with her. If they’d kept me informed, I never would’ve allowed her to come to a fucking amusement park. I would’ve pushed her to have treatment, not let it kill her. There were so many things I could’ve done, and now, it’s too late.

My rage turns to Anthony. “You knew!” I rage at him. “You knew she was sick, and you brought her out!”

His head drops, and when he looks back at me, his eyes are brimming with tears. “I know you don’t believe this, but I cared about her. She asked me if I would help to keep her stable so she could have that day with you. She wanted one day of normal with you. Your sister knew she was dying and didn’t want to drag it out. I was there with her, holding her hand, and giving her what she asked for.”

“You knew her for what, a week? I was there every single day throughout the last seven years! I should’ve been the one beside her. You took that from me.”

A lone tear falls down his face, but there is no room in my broken heart to feel anything but hatred for him. “Believe me, your sister loved you so much that she wanted to spare you. It was all from love.”

I hate myself. I hate him. I hate everyone, and I can’t breathe.

I gasp for air as Eli rubs my back. “Easy, baby.”

I look to him, his image blurry. “She’s gone and I didn’t say goodbye. I wasn’t there, Eli. I wasn’t with her.”

“I know.”

The doctor clears his throat. “We had specific instructions from Stephanie in her medical directive. They were followed to the letter. I’m truly sorry for your loss, Ms. Covey. Take as much time as you need.”

He and Anthony both walk away, leaving me to do the last thing I ever wanted to do . . . say goodbye to my baby sister.

Eli and I walk down the hallway with his arm around my shoulder. I want to push him away, be alone and wallow in my grief, but I can’t seem to do it. He’s the only person here who didn’t spend the last however long lying to me. I hold onto him as we move, following the line on the floor. We don’t speak because there’s nothing to say. I can’t go back in time. I can’t change the way everyone handled this. Once again, I’ve had the choice stripped from me.

The door is open, and I glance at her lifeless body lying there. I’m not strong enough for this. I’ve been fooling myself by believing I was prepared. There’s no preparing for grief. Instead, I’m thinking of how I wasn’t with her in the end. No, I was lying in Eli’s bed, wishing my phone weren’t ringing. I should’ve been holding her hand, telling her how loved she was. My beautiful little sister is gone, and I hate that she didn’t hear my voice telling her all the things she needed to know.

Eli’s hand is on my back, and I spin, crumple against his chest, and twist my fists in the fabric of his shirt. “No, no, no, no!” I thought maybe this was a lie. Somewhere deep inside I hoped she’d be alive, but she’s not. “I’m not ready for this!” I cry. “She can’t be gone. Please, God, give her back to me!”

He murmurs words of comfort and support, but they don’t matter. There’s no way to soothe the torture I’m feeling. Grief, guilt, anger, and desolation consume me. “Do you want to go in? You don’t have to.”

I know I need to. Even though she isn’t really there, it’s all that’s left of her. “Yes, I do.” I say to him and straighten my shoulders, finding a tiny bit of strength in his warm hand on the small of my back.

“I’ll be right here.”

My feet shuffle forward, and I pull the chair closer to the side of her bed as my heart splinters. Eli stays back, allowing me some privacy. I lift my hand, brushing the dark brown strands off her face. She used to love when I did this. In the beginning of her disease, it was the only thing that calmed her. I would spend countless nights running my fingers through her hair.

I close my eyes, not wanting to see her face, and repeat the motion. “I’m sorry, Stephy. I wasn’t here, and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’m your sister, and I was supposed to be beside you. I don’t know if you were scared or if it hurt. I don’t know if you were looking for me—” A strangled sob breaks free.

Eli moves, but I put my hand up to stop him. I need to do this alone. Even if she isn’t alive, I pray she can hear me.

“I would’ve been here, baby girl. I should’ve been by your side. You were my whole world, Stephanie Covey. I don’t know how to go on. I love you more than my own life. You were the best sister in the world. Each day that I had you was a gift, and I wish it never ended. I wish I could tell you a stupid joke right now.” The tears come so hard I can’t see. “I wish I could hold you and tell you how special you were. Because you were everything good in this world.” I wipe my face and suck down a breath. “The world was a better place with you in it. I was a better person because of you.”

My head falls on the side of the bed, and I grip her lifeless hand in mine. I cry without restraint. It’s ugly, full of pain, and I don’t have the wherewithal to care. “It should’ve been me who was sick! You didn’t deserve this.”

I have no idea how long I stay hunched over the bed clinging to her. I never understood loss until this moment. I thought when my parents died that was the most grief I could’ve felt, but that was a splash in a puddle. Now, I’m drowning in the ocean, the current pulling me farther out into the murky waters.

I need air.

I can’t breathe.

My lungs struggle to function. I gasp, trying to find any oxygen in the room, but there is none.

“Easy, baby. Easy. Look at me, Heather.” Eli’s kneeling by my side and cradling my face as he wipes the tears with this thumb. My eyes find his, and he stares until I calm down. “That’s it. Breathe. Just breathe. I’m right here.”

“She’s gone.”

“I know, baby.”

“She won’t come back.”

His own eyes fill with sadness. “I’m so sorry.”

The sound that escapes my throat is filled with despair. “Take me home, Eli. Please. I can’t see her like this. I couldn’t save her, and now she’s gone!”

His arms become a vice around me as I fall apart. I want the numbness back. It didn’t hurt when I didn’t feel. The knowledge that tomorrow, I can’t call her, text her, or touch her leaves me so bereft that I’m not even sure there’s a way to live past this moment.

Eli tucks me against his chest, holding me as we move. I hear him talking to someone, but I’ve found my way back to the darkness. This is where I want to stay.

I focus on nothing.

The only thing that registers is Eli’s arms wrapped around me as I close my eyes and drift to where not even death can touch me.

“Heather,” a soft voice calls to me. “Wake up, honey.”

Stephanie? Is she here? My eyes fly open, hoping to see my sister, but it isn’t her. Instead, Nicole is leaning over me. Disoriented, I look around and realize I’m not in my house. A big bed sits in an enormous room. I’m at Eli’s. When did we get back here?

“Hey.” She stares at me with red-rimmed eyes.

She knows about Stephanie.

He must’ve called her.

“Nic—” I choke her name out, and she reaches for me. The minute she touches me, I break. The tears I cried before seem small in comparison.

The pain is back with a vengeance. Nicole rocks me back and forth, and I hold on to her for dear life. “Oh, honey. It’s okay, let it out,” she encourages. “Just let it out.”

There’s a connection between two people who understand each other. That’s Nicole and me. We don’t have to speak to know what the other needs. Sometimes, it’s just falling apart in the comfort of your best friend’s arms.

Nicole leans back when I quiet down. “Better?”

“No. I don’t know that there is a better.”

She wipes her own tears and nods. “It’s going to hurt, but you’re strong, Heather. Stephanie loved you so much, know that.”

“She kept it from me.” All the emotions of the night continue to assault me. My sister knowing that she was going to die and that she was sick. The fact that she hid her condition so we could have the day at Busch Gardens. “All at her own expense. If she were alive, I’d beat her for it. She should’ve stayed in bed, got better so that . . .”

“So she could just get worse again?” Nicole challenges. She loved my sister as if she were her own. Stephanie was always around when we were young, wanting to be exactly like us. I can remember finding Stephanie trying on my clothes and talking to her “best friend Nicole.” It was annoying back then, if only I had the gift of foresight. “Is that what you’d really want for her?”

My gut reaction is to yell: Yes!

I open my mouth, but Nicole glares at me, daring me to say it. “I . . . I don’t know.”

I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I wish I could crawl inside myself and disappear. Living hurts too damn much.

“I know you, and you didn’t want that. I can’t imagine how you’d feel if this was months of her in agony.”

Sure, I guess there’s some comfort in that, but not much. The last seven years of Stephanie’s life were a series of ups and downs. We struggled with everything, and she suffered through it all. I watched her life start to fade the day we got her diagnosis.

My eyes move to the doorway where Eli leans against the frame. In his hand is a glass of water and a plate of food. He hesitates before moving forward. I gaze at him, tears welling in my eyes.

“You’ve been sleeping for a while.” His deep voice is filled with emotion. “I thought you should eat.”

My lip trembles, thinking of how happy I was before I got the call. We were together, loving each other while my sister took her last breath. I wish I could go back in time. I would’ve gone to see her after the barbeque, but I was so wrapped up in him.

My heart aches thinking about the minutes wasted because I didn’t answer the phone. The what-ifs are tearing me apart.

Nicole touches my arm. “Eli called as soon as you got back. I came right over, but you’ve been sleeping for about fifteen hours.”

“I’m tired.”

Eli and Nicole share a look, and she gives me a squeeze. “I’m sure. You need to eat, though. Do you want me to call Matt and tell him you’ll be out for a few days?”

“Tell him I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

Right now, I can’t deal with anything. The idea of riding in a squad car and talking to people is too much.

“I’ll tell him a week, and then you’ll handle what comes after that.” Her tone is firm, and I know what she’s trying to do. The same thing I would do if she were giving up.

I’d push.

But you can’t push someone out of a hole. You have to hope they’ll claw their way up enough for you to help them. There is no strength left in my hands to help me move right now.

“Do you need me to stay?” she asks Eli.

“No, I’ll take care of her.”

I glare at both of them as they talk about me as if I’m not here. All I need is to go back to sleep and wake up when this isn’t my reality.

Nicole kisses my forehead, and then they both leave the room. I grab my phone, scrolling through the texts and missed calls.

Nothing. You can’t do a damn thing.

I reply to Kristin right away. I don’t want to see anyone.

It doesn’t matter that I’m at Eli’s house. She’ll show up. That’s Kristin’s nature, she’s the caretaker in our group, and I don’t want to be mothered. I don’t want anyone to make me feel better right now.

I try to remember what it was like when I lost my parents. Was I this devastated? I think I was, but I had Stephanie to worry about. I didn’t focus on the sorrow. I had to be strong, give her hope, and make sure we would be okay. My friends were around, but we were also college aged. It wasn’t like now.

Eli enters the room, and I use all my energy to stay upright. I tighten my arm, hugging myself together.

“Did you eat anything?” he asks.

“Not hungry.”

The bed shifts slightly as he climbs in next to me. “Okay.”

I look up, not expecting that. I figured he’d fight me to do something other than drown in my pain.

“Don’t look surprised. You have to grieve the way you want. I’m just trying to be here in whatever way you need.”

Tears fill my eyes, blurring him out a little. I lunge forward into his arms. I don’t know why or what comes over me, but I need him to comfort me. He falls back, taking me with him and wrapping me tightly in his arms. The tears fall silently as I listen to the beat of his heart.

He’s been here every second since it happened. Even when I couldn’t care for myself, he made sure I was okay. I turn my head so that I can see his face. Eli gives me a sad smile, and appreciation overwhelms me. These have been the worst hours of my life, and he’s stood by me.

“Thank you, Eli.”

He threads his fingers in my hair. “You don’t have to thank me.”

“We haven’t been together all that long.”

“It doesn’t mean that what we feel for each other isn’t real. I told you I wasn’t going anywhere, and I meant it.”

I close my eyes and another tear escapes from the corner. “I’m going to be sad for a bit.”

I might as well warn him now, let him run before I fall even harder. It would have to be him leaving, too. I don’t think I’m strong enough to walk away even if I wanted to.

“Baby, look at me,” he urges. I open my eyes, and he sits up, causing me to have to do the same. “You should be sad. I didn’t know Stephanie like you did, and I’m sad. I don’t think you understand how I feel about us . . . about you. I’m not going to leave you because you’re sad. I’m not walking away, I’m staying here with you.”

“You leave in a week,” I remind him.

His hands grip my shoulders and then move to my neck. “I told my producers I’m not coming next week. I’ll go to New York after we figure this out.”

My fingers wrap around his wrist, and I press my forehead to his. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” he murmurs. “Just let me take care of you.”

His lips brush mine with hesitation, and I make the movement to connect us. It isn’t about passion. It’s about something deeper. Our kiss is soft, sweet, and comforting. In all the sadness, he gives me hope that the sun will shine again. It’s a brush of lips that temps me to believe he’ll combat the clouds and ward off the storms so I can feel the warmth of the rays again. I hope he’s ready for Mother Nature’s fury.