When Sam parked in her driveway after being at Clara’s Bible study Saturday night, she didn’t expect to see Junior sitting on her porch again. He was on the swing with his head down, hands folded together as if in prayer. She turned her headlights off and remained in her car for a moment, thinking about what to say. With the lights off, she could barely make out his silhouette, but he sat unmoving.
She had been talking to God about all of what had happened and did her best to listen. At Clara’s, after the other women had gone home, she talked to her more about the situation. She needed to let Junior talk and she needed to listen. Whatever else he had to say she knew he at least deserved that much from her. Clara had a good point about something else.
“Just because drugs were involved doesn’t mean Junior was involved. Hear him out, Sam. Give him a chance.”
Sam grabbed her purse and tightened her hand around her keys. She could feel her heart pounding relentlessly against her chest as she continued to look at Junior. She could hear the night and all its chirps and whistles. She could feel the darkness surrounding her as if it wanted to swallow her whole. Instead, she took a deep breath, opened her door, and stepped out. She didn’t hesitate another moment. She closed the door and prayed in her head as she walked to her porch. She asked Jesus for strength and guidance and acceptance on whatever happened between her and Junior. When her shoes met the wooden steps, she saw his hands fall from his face. The soles of her shoes clicked on the wooden slabs of her porch at the same time he lifted his head and looked at her. His expression was pained and her heart softened.
“Hey,” she whispered and walked over and sat on the swing with him. He slid over to give her room and not feel crowded.
“Hey, back.”
“How you doing?” she asked without knowing how else to start the much needed conversation.
“I’ve been better. It’s been a long week.”
A cricket chirped in the background and Sam sat back and crossed her arms.
“Yeah, I know. It has been for me, too.”
Junior nodded in understanding and didn’t say a word. She looked past her yard, out toward the street. Although few words were spoken her emotions were already trying to overwhelm her. She knew the devil wanted her to be messed up inside. He wanted her to be afraid and confused. If she allowed her feelings to lead her, the talk they desperately needed would surely fail.
“I’m sorry about showing up like this. I was hoping we could talk about everything and if you never want to see me again I will leave you alone.”
His words pierced her heart with a suddenness she wasn’t expecting. She immediately wanted to comfort him and let him know that was the very last thing she wanted. Her words were stuck in her throat and she choked when she tried to speak. She rested her hand on his arm and squeezed and laid her head on his shoulder. Without warning her tears poured and her sobs filled the darkness around them. Junior turned and took her in his arms, and she allowed herself to be comforted within them.
Neither said another word or even a whisper. As he caressed her arm, they slowly moved back and forth in the swing. The motion of the swing and the heat from their bodies calmed her. After time she took his hand and stood, pulling him with her. They stepped into the house and she continued pulling him behind her until they reached the kitchen. She was no longer thinking. She was no longer going to allow her head to lead her through what could possibly be the best gift God had for her. She was going to follow her heart and at that moment her heart needed to be held and her lips needed his.
Dropping her purse on the table she rushed into his arms and pulled his head down so she could reach him. With hungry parted lips, she took the initiative and kissed him with the kind of strength that caught him off guard. He didn’t falter and pulled her as close to him as possible as their passion built. Their lips were made to be together and their hearts melted as one. Time stood still as their pain flowed from them into a distance far away.
Finally, so she could breath, she reluctantly pulled away and leaned against the counter so she wouldn’t collapse. Her knees were shaky and the pressure in her chest scared her a little. He stepped to her and asked if she was okay.
Smiling up into his eyes she nodded and answered, “Yeah, that was intense. I need to sit.”
He laughed and took her hand and helped her to a chair.
“Yes, it was,” he agreed softly. He sat beside her and caressed her hand. Together they gazed into each other’s eyes. “We can talk now?”
She nodded and replied, “Yes. We can talk now.”
For the next half hour, she sat and listened to what he had to say. Some of it was painful and all of it brought clarity to her soul. He told her everything.
Chris had unintentionally got caught up with the wrong crowd a few years before she met him. He thought he was getting into something good, something that would be beneficial for him down the road, but he didn’t know at that time what all was involved. Junior told her that there were some details that Chris wouldn’t share with him, but it started with a few people he met at college.
Junior told her everything he said he knew, but there was a lot he didn’t know. He apologized for that, but he comforted her by saying Chris told him it was for his safety that he didn’t know. The fact that Chris had broken the law upset her, but she couldn’t let that make her judge Junior.
The bottom line was that Chris had tried to get out of everything he was caught up in. He was scared something would happen to people he loved and wanted out. He made an offer to whoever was in charge and they made him do one last thing before setting him free of any other obligations. He had to make a run across the border with a load of cocaine and heroin which meant driving through ten states to get to Mexico and he had to do it alone. He had a time limit to do it in and had to meet with a certain unnamed individual when he got there.
Junior told her that when Chris told him about it he knew it was the scariest thing he had ever dreamed about. He didn’t know if he would get caught at any moment or killed when he got into Mexico. When he got to where he was going he was paid a large sum of money. When he got back into Connecticut he had to meet with the dealers face to face again. He still wasn’t sure if he would get killed or not, but they stood up to their word and let him go without any strings attached. When he left them that day he was a wealthy man. He invested most of it and that was how it became so much money. Chris chose to leave it for her in case anything ever happened to him.
When Junior was finished, Sam felt completely weak and exhausted. The story he told her was something out of a movie, something she never, in her wildest dreams, thought she would ever have to listen to about the man she had married. She wondered about his death again and if he had been murdered.
“Do you think that’s possible?” she asked him.
He shook his head and answered, “No. When it was investigated the reports came back that the truck driver’s brakes had failed. It was a complete and tragic accident. What happened the day that took Chris from us had nothing to do with that. I truly believe that.”
Drying her eyes and doing her best to remain under control, she looked at him. Her guilt welled up inside her and she felt terrible for how she had behaved.
“I’m so sorry for screaming at you. I’m sorry I didn’t give you the chance to tell me all this Sunday and for throwing you out. I was so wrong.”
“It’s okay, Sam. I understand, but can you see why Chris didn’t want you to know? Do you see why I couldn’t tell you for so long and why it was so hard for me to talk with you about it?”
A tear dropped onto the table; Sam didn’t notice. “Yes. Please, forgive me.”
He reached for her and they stood. She fell into his arms again, a crying mess. They held onto one another and knew both had more healing to do. More things to work through, but together and with God they would make it.