Tonya
Tonya closed the door to the restaurant with Tibet by her side and locked it up for the night. Tired and frustrated and worried about Sam, she craved a tall glass of something cold and a hot bubble bath. Her feet hurt and since she gave Sam the week off she had to make sure her spot was covered. It wouldn’t hurt to hire another person. She turned to Tibet and thanked him for walking her to her car.
“You are more than welcome, ma’am. It’s my pleasure to make sure you are safe.”
Being called ma’am had always made her laugh inside and for the hundredth time she asked him not to do that.
“It makes me feel old,” she added with a slight giggle. He towered over her as he stood near and waited for her to get inside her car.
“Sorry about that. I’m trying to be polite,” he grinned back at her.
“I know and thank you. You have a great night, Tibet. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yes ma’am, you too,” he said and sauntered toward his truck. She laughed at him and closed her door, sighing out loud as her feet felt the pressure being released and her back relaxed. It felt great to sit down again. She noticed lately that she had been feeling more tired than usual. She worked a lot, and hard when she had to. She had always been a hard worker with high standards and ethics toward her career. Recently it had been harder on her, although she hadn’t mentioned that to anyone.
She drove home and thought it would most likely be a good idea to call and make an appointment with her doctor. It had been a while since she had been checked out and it wouldn’t hurt. She hadn’t had any signs that she knew of that the cancer was returning, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t.
As she sat at a stop light waiting, the stars above glittered and a breeze drifted through her window. It had stopped raining and the clouds were dissipating at a slow pace. She noticed a certain star that appeared to shine brighter than the others. It appeared to be immersed within a tiny cluster of faint stars. She found it remarkable and beautiful at the same time. Before the stop light returned to green, she prayed and asked God for His blessings.
“Whatever Your plan is for me, God, please guide me through it. Please, don’t let me get sick again, but if I do please help me through it.”
The light turned green and she continued home feeling comforted. She usually did when she relied on God and had faith. She had to have faith and believe it would all be okay no matter what happened. God had a plan. She may not always like it, but He always knew best and always would.
She parked her Mercedes and turned the car off. Sitting there for a moment she stared at her house and felt humbled. She thought of herself years ago, young and naïve and starting out in the business world. She thought about all her struggles and blessings ever since and what she had gained. She had a lot to be grateful for and she knew it. So many others in the world suffered beyond belief. She had nothing to complain about compared to millions of them. Smiling, she whispered a “Thank You” to God and opened her door to get out. When she did, a discomforting feeling ran through her chest and took her breath away. It shocked her, not because it was painful, but because other than being tired she hadn’t felt anything like it since she first found out she had cancer. That was over a year ago.
She took a deep breath and stood up from the seat of the car a little shakier than before. Leaning against her car door, she breathed in deep and tried to focus on that. She could feel the light breeze cover her skin and realized she had broken into a cool sweat. Within a minute, she felt better. Not a lot, but enough to walk inside.
“God is with you girl. God is with you,” she told herself. She knew she wasn’t alone. With Him, she would never be alone.
Inside the house, she set her purse and keys on the table and walked into the bathroom with care. She felt an urgency that wasn’t there moments ago, and pulled her shirt over her head as she turned the light on. She removed her bra and began to press her fingers on the spot where she found the lump last time. As the tips of her fingers pressed down her heart clenched. It was tender and there was another lump in its place. A lump that felt larger than the last one.
Even with her faith in God and that things would be okay, she felt more fear than she had in a long time. More so than when she was first diagnosed. She didn’t need a doctor to tell her what it meant. In her heart, she knew the cancer had returned.
Her eyes were closed, but tears still escaped. As they did, they burned her eyes. Her feet were firmly planted beneath her, but she felt weak and wanted to fall to the floor and weep like a child. She didn’t allow that to happen, though. Instead, she looked at her image and saw a strong woman. A woman of God who survived the last fight and would do her best to survive the next battle. She had the best and toughest ally she could ever have with her at all times, and she knew she had Sam.
Instead of collapsing, she turned the hot water on and let the bathtub fill. She added her perfumed beads and finished undressing. Walking into the kitchen she poured a glass of wine and ended her night with as much peace of mind she could muster. It wasn’t much, but it was the best that she could do.
***
The next morning, Tonya couldn’t go to work. It was Wednesday and it would be slow so without even getting out of bed she called Uncle Steve and told him she wasn’t feeling well. She felt guilty, but at least she wasn’t being completely dishonest. She told him she would call Tibet and have him help watch the front. He was more than capable of handling things if he needed to. Her uncle expressed concern, especially with Sam being out too, but she told him she would be okay. She didn’t tell him anything about her fear of the cancer being back.
She was stricken with depression, completely unlike her. She knew she should get out of bed and face it, but the last thing she wanted was to face anything. Instead, she fell back to sleep and didn’t open her eyes again until noon. By the time she forced herself from beneath the sheets the sun was out in all its glory and half her day was shot. She walked into the kitchen and made herself a cup of hot tea, sulked on the couch, and stared at the walls.
She sat like that for an hour. She didn’t look at her phone. She didn’t turn the television on and she didn’t move from her spot. The only thing she did was dwell on the situation, which did not help at all. Finally, she set her cup on the table in front of her and she covered her face. It wasn’t like her to be weak and give up. She was human and had bad days like anyone else, but she wouldn’t give up this time either.
“God, I need your strength. Right now, I need help. Only You know what is happening inside me. I only assume, but I know it isn’t good. Please, help me. Whatever it is that’s happening, please help me.”
Standing, she found her phone and called her doctor. The first thing she needed to do would be make an appointment to get the ball rolling. She told him she needed to see him as soon as possible. He agreed to see her later that afternoon at five o’clock. She looked at the time and saw she had a little over three hours.
She wasn’t going to give up. She got into motion, got dressed, and ate a bowl of cereal. After eating, she went for a walk on the beach since she didn’t live far and didn’t need to drive. She had to do something to fill the time, and sitting around moping wasn’t a grand idea. That much was obvious.
She walked without any shoes. The bright heat covered her skin and helped relieve her mind as she soaked in the vitamin D. Her feet shuffled in the sand, still damp from the rain the night before. She had enough time to enjoy the walk without being in a hurry.
The crowd was minimal for midday which surprised her, even on a Wednesday. There were some catching rays while lying on towels or beach chairs. Others were playing Frisbee, either with friends or with their dog. Still others were in the water on a boogie board. Tonya tried to make sense of things as she walked.
She passed two piers without speaking to another soul. Her thoughts and fears were controlling her. She thought about what might happen and couldn’t deny death was a possibility. Of course, she wanted to beat the cancer again. Last time she was lucky.
No, she corrected herself, she had been blessed. Last time she didn’t have to go through any treatments. The doctors had been able to get all the cancer with the first surgery. They said it was rare to get it all the first time around, but they had. She knew why they could. God made it happen.
She thought about that as well. She thought about how blessed she had been last time and wondered why He allowed it to return. Had she not been doing what He wanted in her life since then? Had she not been good enough for Him or was her time on His beautiful earth almost over? She realized she hadn’t been to church as often as she should and she missed being there.
Without realizing it, she had let the restaurant take up most of her time, including most Sundays. She missed fellowshipping with other Christians and hearing the sermons. At least she did read her Bible on a regular basis, but maybe that wasn’t good enough.
She was becoming tired and decided to turn around and start the walk back. By the time she got home it would almost be time to leave for her appointment. She thought about Sam and how she was doing. She knew she should call and check on her. She also knew she should talk to Sam about the cancer after she saw her doctor. Once she got the news she would go and see her.
***
She would never be able to get used to the smell of a hospital. No matter how many times she had to go inside one, the smell alone bothered her. The sounds of the staff didn’t get to her. The codes were announced over the intercom sometimes did, but it was the smell that was a constant bother. She wished her doctor could see her at his office, but since he was on call at the hospital, she had to meet him there.
She waited for her name to be called, her nerves running rampant. She followed the nurse into a small chilly room and watched her close the curtain. She undressed and put on the dreaded examination gown that never wanted to cooperate. Even when tied, they never seemed to close all the way. She held the ends together and sat on the leather chair, waiting and praying. She prayed she was wrong about what she felt was already happening. She prayed for comfort and strength and acceptance for whatever happened.
“Good afternoon, Tonya,” the doctor greeted her as he pulled the curtain to the side. “What seems to be the problem today?”
Her doctor normally wasn’t as direct, but she could tell from his posture that he was concerned. She had to say the words she dreaded saying out loud.
“The cancer is back.”
The words tasted like coal leaving her lips and she couldn’t keep the tears back any longer. Her lips trembled and she looked to the floor waiting to hear what he would say. He asked her what made her think that and she told him how she felt the previous night. She told him how tired she had been lately and about the pain that had shot through her chest. Most importantly, she told him about the new lump in her breast.
“Don’t jump to conclusions yet, but we will start tests immediately so we know for sure what is going on,” he told her.
I’m not jumping to conclusions. I know.
The doctor examined Tonya and felt the lump beneath her breast. He frowned, not trying to hide it. He told her he would order some tests and would be right back. She waited, alone in the chilly room. The same way it had begun. She knew God was with her, but she felt so alone.