Graham
Three days of honeymoon bliss.
Seventy-two hours alone with Kennedy.
A whole lot of time loving and worshiping my wife.
And in one second, everything else has gone to complete shit.
For the first time in a long time, I’m out of control. My entire world is spinning off its axis, and there’s no way for me to get where I need to go fast enough.
Five hours into our flight, and Kennedy’s constant unease has me on edge.
“Everything’s going to be okay, I promise you.” There’s a big blunder in my statement. I’m not in control. He is. He has the leverage to decide our fate.
“You can’t make that kind of promise.”
“You’re right, but Ken, that’s all I have to give.” I stand, unable to sit still any longer. Kennedy reaches out, but I shake my head, needing a minute to collect myself, and stomp to the bathroom.
I sit on the edge of the sink, my head spinning with the rapid-fire questions racing through my mind.
As soon as the words left my mom’s mouth, the phone fell from my hands and bounced at my feet. The world went silent for a single second. No sound. No movement. Everything stopped existing.
Knock. Knock.
“Just give me a second, please,” I yell.
My reflection startles me. Most days, I’m strong, stoic, and unbreakable. The man staring back at me is a shell of who I believe I am. My hair is a rumpled mess. My eyes lack any sign of life. And if it were visible, everyone on this plane would see the ton of bricks on my shoulders.
I open the door and apologize to the mom holding her young child. When I sit down in my seat, Kennedy appears to be sleeping. I release a harsh breath, relieved she’s found a little bit of rest. Maybe a little bit of shut-eye is what we need. Her soft palm covers my hand, and I sigh. Knowing she’s here beside me is enough. Her head rests against my arm, and she steals a lungful of air.
“Everything’s going to be okay,” she whispers into the sleeve of my shirt.
“I’ll kill him if he comes within a foot of our son.” I wait for Kennedy to argue or demand I think rationally, but her disapproving outburst never comes. She simply nods, knowing I’d lay my entire future down for Ben.
The quiet cabin and Kennedy’s comfort lull me into a deep sleep.
The intercom crackles to life, and Kennedy stirs, forcing me to wake.
“The sun’s coming up.” Kennedy stretches.
Everyone in the cabin prepares for landing. I buckle Kennedy’s seatbelt. She’s lethargic, and I need to do something to keep myself busy.
Once we collect our belongings, Kennedy and I race through the terminal and onto the ramp where the car is parked. Untouched. Unscathed. Unlike the two people climbing inside of it. The ride back to our place is eerily quiet, full of uncertainty, and my fears dance in front of me like a movie. The problem with our movies is we aren’t the directors. At least, not right now.
The car is barely in park before Kennedy swings the door open, jumps out, and runs inside our house. The luggage is the least of my worries, and I follow close on her heels.
Inside the comfort of my home, I find Kennedy bracing herself as my mom hugs her. At first glance, I think my mother’s comforting my wife, but as I step close and hear Kennedy’s light murmurs, I know that isn’t what’s happening.
“You’re safe here,” Kennedy whispers, running her fingers up and down my mother’s back.
“Mom,” I say softly, hoping not to interrupt them, but in desperate need to look in my mom’s eyes. She glances over Kennedy’s shoulder, and the same fear I saw on prom night shines at me. He’s cornered her again, and she sees no way out.
“Graham.” Her voice cracks. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your trip, but I knew you’d kill me if you found out when you got home.” Her apology isn’t necessary. This is the one thing she’ll never need to apologize for.
“Paris isn’t going anywhere.” I hug her close.
“I can’t believe I ruined your honeymoon.” She shakes her head, watching as Kennedy disappears up the staircase.
“Explain to me what this means.” I guide her to the living room. She sits down on the sofa, and I rest beside her.
My mom pinches the bridge of her nose, struggling to collect her thoughts. The walls I’ve built to protect myself from ever being hurt by my father again is mirrored in my mother’s expression.
“I received the dreaded phone call, Graham. I didn’t think it would be so soon.”
“He’s been released then?”
“He’ll be released tomorrow, and he’ll be living in Tennessee.”
“You’ve got to be shitting me?” I stand, tugging the hem of my shirt. “He’s moving back home?”
“One town over,” she whispers.
“That’s not fair, Mom. You live there.” Now I’m angry. Who the fuck does he think he is?
“He’s within his full rights.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe this is happening.”
“You’ll stay here,” I demand. Her shoulders sag, and her face pales. Her mouth opens to what can only be a fight. I won’t allow it. “I won’t take no for an answer. You’ll stay here for as long as you need, but you will not go back to that town. Not while he’s breathing.”
“Your father is under surveillance, and he can’t even step foot across state lines. You guys are safe here.” Her hand slices the air in front of her.
“But what about you, though? I won’t take no for an answer.”
“You have a life to build. You can’t have me bogging you down.”
“And you think you being sixteen hours away will make it easier for us?” Kennedy’s voice booms through the living room. From the top of the steps, my wife smiles down at my mom. “I’m going to be needing help with Ben, anyways. It makes sense for you to stay here, for everyone.” Her attention shifts to me. “Ben’s asking for you.” She nods towards his room and slinks back down the hall.
“Why don’t you get some sleep, Mom? We’ll hammer out the details once we’ve all gotten a little bit more rest.” I kiss her cheek. “Spare bedroom is yours for as long as you need it.”
“Thanks, Sweetie. We’ll get through this, one way or another.” She cups my cheek, and I feel nine-years-old again, listening to her empty promises.
As I walk up the steps, I worry about what to tell Ben. Being a parent isn’t easy, and right now, I realize I’m no longer the one needing protection. I’m the protector. My job is to wrap myself around this family and shield them from the harm I felt for far too long.
I peek around the corner to find Rico sitting on the edge of the bed, reading a book out loud. Kennedy rests against the headboard beside Ben, running her fingers up and down his arm, like she’s done hundreds of times.
“Dad!” Ben squeals, catching me as I watch the three of them.
“Hey, buddy, how are you?” I ruffle his hair. Rico stands, shoving the book against my chest.
“Okay, Little Man. I’ll finish reading that tonight.” They high five each other, and Rico gives me the we-need-to-talk look before he leaves the room.
“So, did you have fun with Nana?” Kennedy’s shoulders tense.
“What’s going on?” Ben sits up, tucking his covers over his chest. “Nana was upset, and you’re back early. Rico tried to distract me by reading.”
I laugh when I pull the book from my chest and see what Rico chose.
“He does know I’m not five, right?” Ben giggles as I tickle his side. Kennedy joins in until the three of us are in a fit of laughter.
“Why don’t you try to get a few more hours of sleep? It’s still early.” If I know Ben, this conversation will extend through breakfast.
“Okay.” Ben yawns, cuddling into his pillow.
“We’ll talk, buddy,” I say as I stand. “I promise.”
“Okay,” Ben whispers as Kennedy flips off his bedside lamp.
We stand in the doorway, the only light coming from the sconce in the hall. When he first moved in, he was afraid of the hallway. He said it was too long and too dark. So, the next day, I bought a light for the wall outside of his room. It helped tremendously, and after a week or so, Kennedy was able to sleep in our bed again. She spent many nights beside Ben, reassuring him he was safe with us.
“He looks so small in that bed.” Kennedy’s voice is somber.
She watches him, a distant, afraid expression on her face. She loves him. When she came back into my life, Ben was already part of the package. Without her even knowing it, she was the missing puzzle piece. All I needed was to have them together, and almost instantly, I knew we would be a family.
“Let’s not worry until we have a reason to, okay?” The tension in my shoulders loosens when she squeezes my hand.
“I’m going to go get into pajamas and sleep in there for a little while.” She tilts her head towards Ben’s room.
This is no surprise. I kiss her temple, inhaling her scent, and release her to rest. When I step down the stairs, Rico quietly shuts the front door. Our luggage sits inside the foyer.
“I figured you had enough to worry about.” Rico shrugs, setting down the last few bags.
“Want to grab a beer and sit out back?” I walk towards the kitchen, open the fridge, and grab two bottles, offering one to Rico after popping the tops.
“You know my motto. It’s never too early for a beer.” Rico takes a long drink, then sets it on the patio table. “So?”
“My dad’s an asshole,” I blurt.
“That much I’ve gathered. You don’t talk about him. You never really have, and the one time you mentioned him was about him whooping your ass.”
I take a long, deep breath before dredging up my dark past.
“My senior year, he attempted to kill me. If it wasn’t for Kennedy showing up, I don’t think I’d be standing in front of you right now.”
“Holy shit, man. I had no idea it was that kind of situation.” Rico rubs his brow. “I don’t know what to say.”
It’s why I don’t talk about it. There’s too much story there.
“Don’t pity me.” I shake my head. “I survived.”
“Thanks to the girl inside,” Rico adds.
“It’s like she knew I needed her. When I was running late, she jumped in her car and found my mom on the kitchen floor, beaten and bruised. Instead of running out, she ran in.” Just remembering the things she went through for me at the hands of my father makes me feel ill. “By the time she made it to the basement, my father was teetering on the edge, two seconds away from bashing my head in with the bat I won my Little League championship with.”
I’ve never been able to process my anger. It’s like trying to grab hold of the horizon. It feels close to my fingertips, but never quite close enough.
That night sits at the forefront of my mind. The smell of his breath. The sound of the furnace. The cry escaping Kennedy’s mouth as she lunged to stop my father from shooting me.
“She’s a saint, that Kennedy of ours,” Rico says, admiration thick on his tongue.
Knowing I’m not the only person willing to protect Kennedy and Ben makes me thankful. There’s a small glimpse of hope that eases a large part of my burden. Rico would do anything for my girl because to him, she’s his sister.
“I’m going to be traveling soon, and it makes it easier knowing you’re not too far away. I’m going to need you to keep an eye on things.” We polish off our beers before heading back into the house.
“You know I’m here whenever you need anything.” Rico puts the empty bottles in the sink.
“I can’t believe they’re letting him out.” Saying those words makes my skin crawl and my heart sink into my stomach. In the back of my mind, I’ve always known this was a possibility. Like most things I wish for, they can’t always come true, because if they did, I’d be in Paris enjoying the rest of my honeymoon.
“You don’t think he’ll try to contact you, do you?”
“No, of course not. He’s under surveillance. He can’t cross state lines, and although he’s a raging murderous lunatic, he’s no idiot. There’s no way in hell he’d risk it.” I pat Rico on the back. His shoulders are tight.
“So why come home?” Rico asks.
“My mom,” I answer honestly. “I wasn’t sure if she could handle the news, and Kennedy and I were afraid she’d hit the breaking point in front of Ben. We’ve done so much to protect that kid already, I don’t want his deadbeat, piece of shit grandfather playing a part in him becoming jaded.”
“I’m due to help out at the baseball camp today, so why don’t I take him? You and Kennedy, your mom, take some time to figure out your new normal. I assume she’s staying for a while.” Rico walks out of the kitchen, leaving me with a little bit of peace in knowing Ben will have a good distraction from us being home early.
I twist the knob on the living room wall, lowering the lights until they’re barely on. At the bottom of the stairs, I look around our house. Everything is quiet, and I’m learning to revel in the silence. It’s where my thoughts can wander. With each step I climb, the exhaustion from the flight eases its way into my body.
I check the guest room, opening the door to see my mom fast asleep in her bed. In the room next to hers, Ben and Kennedy are cuddled together. Ben’s head rests on Kennedy’s chest, and her fingers graze his hair.
“I love you,” I whisper.
The room is dark, only enough light coming from the hallway to see her. I crack the door enough to bring more light into the space. Her smile is soft, but there’s worry behind the tension in her lips.
“I love you, too, Graham.”
At the crack in her words, I push the door fully open and enter. The wood floors creak under my weight, and Ben stirs.
I sit on the edge of the bed, next to Kennedy. She eases into my touch as my fingers graze the outline of her hair.
“Talk to me,” I say, hoping she’ll rip herself wide open and lay herself bare for me. As always, I have this innate need to know everything she is feeling and thinking.
“What about him?” With a sad glance, her eyes cast down towards Ben’s sleeping body.
“He’ll be okay. We all will.” This is one promise I’m not certain I can keep.
“Graham, when I heard the news, my entire world halted. I was teleported back to your basement and remembering the fear from that day. I don’t want that part of our lives to touch him.”
“We have full access to his whereabouts. If you want to know, we can know, okay?” I bend down and kiss her forehead. “Nothing, and I mean nothing will ever hurt you.”
“You can’t make that kind of promise.”
“I will always live for your safety, Kennedy Black, and I’ll be damned if you can’t find safety under your own roof and in your own skin.” I stand, needing to get out from under her stare. Defenseless is a horrible place to find myself, and when she looks to me for reassurance I’m not sure I can give, it’s painful.
Back in our bedroom, I fall onto the mattress. The room is empty without Kennedy’s warm, caring body beside me. A quick but restless sleep claims me. All I need is a few hours to fuel myself. Today is something we need to get through.
Maybe when I wake up, this will have been a nightmare. Kennedy will smile at me through her fussed up brown hair. The Eiffel Tower will still be through the window, and I’ll kiss her until room service comes.
That’s what will happen.
Tomorrow, I’ll wake up in Paris.
*****
As the bright sunlight shines through our windows, I peek one eye open.
Familiar sheets.
Dark gray walls.
A photo of Kennedy, Ben, and me at the beach on my bedside table.
This isn’t Paris.
Swiftly, I kick the covers off and dress for the day. The exhaustion from yesterday’s travels lingers heavy on my eyelids. There’s too much to do though. I glance at the alarm clock to see it’s only ten, proving I got zero sleep.
Rico and I pass each other in the hallway. He has a laundry basket stuck under his arm. “You look like shit,” he says, patting me on the back.
“Hold up a second,” I call out, stopping him before we go downstairs. “I know you said you’d take Ben today, but I think I’d like to.”
“That’s no problem, man.” He shrugs. “Do you need anything from me, help with anything?”
“Yes, actually. Does your father happen to know anyone in the private security business?” I don’t know much about Rico’s family, but I do know his father is well known, and their bank account puts the Blacks’ to shame. “I hate to ask, because I know you guys aren’t close, but...”
“I’ll call him.” He brushes off my unease like it’s nothing.
“Thanks.”
Kennedy and Ben are sitting at the kitchen table, bent over a book. There are plates of food everywhere.
I glance over my shoulder. “Did you do this?”
Rico shrugs again. “It’s really no big deal.”
“We may have to start paying Rico to stay here, instead of the other way around.” Kennedy looks up from the table and smirks.
“Since when do we charge him rent?” I shove his shoulder, moving him out of my way so I can get to Kennedy.
After a kiss and a quick good morning to Ben and Kennedy, I stack my plate full of bacon and waffles, smothering it with syrup. My stomach growls, proving how long it’s been since I ate a decent meal. Thank fuck for Rico living under this roof.
“So, what’s up?” Ben places his fork on his plate. With gusto, he rises up on his knees in the chair.
Kennedy freezes, her spoon of yogurt just inside her lips. She closes them around the metal and pulls it out clean. With it placed back in the bowl, she raises her eyebrows at me, telling me to buckle up. Our son isn’t going to hold any punches.
“What do you want to know?” This is the only way I know how to make this conversation work and be pain-free for everyone.
“I’m going to just go now...” Rico picks up his plate piled with meat and shuffles through the back door.
“Why did you come home early?” Ben asks. His thin arms cross over his chest, and he ghosts his stare between Kennedy and me.
“Mom and Dad got some news that sort of rattled Nana, buddy.” I pause, completely unsure of what else I should say.
Kennedy clears her throat and saves me. “The details aren’t important right now, but you just need to know everything is going to be okay.”
“If everything is going to be okay, then why did you come home?” Ben asks again.
“You’re too smart for your own good, kiddo.” I rustle his hair.
“You guys aren’t going to tell me, are you?” Ben pushes his chair back, and the legs screech on the tiled floor. His plate crashes into the sink, and with a pinched expression, he gawks at us.
“We know you think you’re mature enough, and most days you are, but it’s also our responsibility to keep you a kid. You don’t need to worry about most things because we’re here to do the worrying for you,” Kennedy says.
“Okay,” Ben deadpans, grabbing his mitt and ball from the center of the kitchen island. He lightly tosses the ball in the air, catching it with ease. “I have camp.”
“I’m going with you today.” I stand, scurrying to wrap a handful of bacon in a waffle. “Eating on the go. Something I should be used to by now.” I lean down and kiss Kennedy. “I love you.”
She grips my shirt and pulls me down eye to eye. “You going to handle everything today?”
“Don’t worry, Babe.” My lips graze her forehead, and my finger under her chin forces her lips to mine. “Take a bath. Relax a little bit.”
“Yes, Sir.” Her grin is infectious, and I can’t stop myself from laying another kiss on her.
“Eww!” Ben groans, making Kennedy and me smile with our lips still attached.
“I better get him to camp.”
“Have fun, Ben,” Kennedy yells as our son races for the front door. I search my wife’s face. To know if Kennedy’s happy, stressed, angry, I need to look at the color of her eyes. Many storms have brewed under those eyelids of hers. The perfect mix of denim and the ocean along the coast of Mexico, tells me a quick peck on the lips is enough before I need to chase Ben out the door.
“I love you, Baby.” Our lips touch for a single second, and I must stop myself from melting into her. Being needed is exhilarating, and it may be wrong, but I like being needed by her.
Ben bounces on his toes at the back door of my truck. “Come on, Dad. We’re going to be late.”
I check my watch. What is he talking about? “It’s only ten-thirty. Camp doesn’t start until eleven.”
“Whatever.” He smiles. “Let’s go.”
I click the lock, and he jumps in, quickly buckling himself in. His mitt and ball sit on his lap, his leg bouncing with anticipation.
“You liking baseball, I take it?” I ask, peeking at him in the rearview mirror.
“I’m not that good,” Ben says, his head hanging low, and the excitement wiped from his expression.
“I didn’t ask if you were good, buddy.” I reverse from the driveway and head towards the fields. “I asked if you liked it. That’s half the battle.”
“How did you get to be so good?”
“Listen to me, your dad wasn’t always that good. My first Little League game, I struck out so bad. I don’t even think I got my first real hit until the last game of the season.”
“Why’d you keep playing then, if you weren’t any good?”
“Ben, you’ll find something in this world, and it will pull you towards whatever it is. You won’t know why, but you won’t be able to get it out of your mind. Baseball was that for me. I sucked that first season. I was determined to play because I loved the game.”
“What if baseball isn’t my thing?”
“Then you’ll find your thing. It may not be this year or next, but you’ll find your place in this world.” I love how badly he wants to emulate me, but I never want Ben to think he has to be like me.
“What if I find two things?” The innocence in Ben’s outlook on this world is astonishing and something I hope he never loses.
“I’ve felt compelled three times in my life, buddy. Baseball being the first time when I was young. The moment I met your mom, and then the second you bounced into the room. Trust me when I say, you’ll feel the pull as many times as the world is willing to give you.”
“Did your dad take you to baseball?” Ben asks.
My hands grip the steering wheel until my knuckles turn white. Lucky for me, I’m pulling into the parking spot, and Ben barely waits for the car to stop to jump out and run towards the field.
“Fuck!” I yell, slamming my fist against the wheel.
A middle-aged woman walks past my truck, quickening her pace. Shit.
I step out into the fresh early afternoon air and head towards the fields. Rico is playing catch with a few of the boys, and I stand along the fence, watching my son’s rocket of an arm. Rico’s eyebrows perk up as he looks between Ben and me. He sees the strength in Ben, even at such an early age.
I turn from the field and pull out my phone, calling the security company who installed a shiny, state of the art alarm not over a year ago. I want them to come over and make sure everything is running at the highest capacity. Better safe than sorry. Once I’ve hung up with them, I contact a few law enforcement agents back home who I’ve stayed in contact with over the years. They all tell me the same thing. My father will be under strict surveillance. Daily check ins with his parole officer. Drug tests weekly. Mandatory alcoholics anonymous.
“What happens if he doesn’t check in?” I ask, turning towards the field to watch Ben play. He’s up to bat. His shoulders are tense, held high and rigid.
“He’d be breaking his conditions for early release, Sir,” the officer says. “I know your case, and if I’m being honest, I don’t think you have much to worry about. He steps out of line, and he’ll be back behind bars before he can utter your name.”
“I appreciate you taking my call,” I say as Ben swings, makes a small connection with the ball, and drops the bat at his feet to take off running. “I have to go.” I hang up, racing along the fence to get closer.
The boy playing first base lets Ben’s hit break through his legs, and Ben rounds first with enough oil in his engine to make it to second.
“YEAH! Way to go, Ben.” I lean on the chain link fence, gaining plenty of attention.
Rico shakes his head like I’m an embarrassment, but I don’t care. “Boys, do you think we could get the infamous Graham Black to come out here and show us a thing or two?” he yells loud enough for me to hear.
Ben waves me on, giving me no other choice.
I spend the afternoon, a little less worried, a tad more secure, playing ball with my son. I can’t think of a better way to spend my afternoon.