Navy
“Will he open his eyes for me, Momma?” Belle swings our locked hands as we walk down the hall.
“I don’t know, baby, but I do know he’ll love hearing your sweet voice.”
“J.J. is still sleepy?” She peers up to me with a concerned gaze.
“He is. His body is healing.”
I squeeze my eyes shut for the briefest second, praying to God this does the trick. J.J. has been in and out of it. Mostly out of it. There have been scares and a few glimpses of hope, but he should be awake by now. The doctors and staff at the hospital continue to feed me the typical bullshit of how J.J.’s body is healing, and that doesn’t reassure me on anything.
“Remember the pictures I showed you. Don’t let the way J.J. looks scare you, okay?” I grip Belle’s hand tighter.
“I won’t, Momma.” She stops walking. “I just want him to read to me again and make you smile.”
Jesus, in the little amount of time she was around him, she soaked up everything J.J. is. He’s a force that demands it.
We step into J.J.’s familiar room in the ICU, my home for the last two weeks. I’ve spent the majority of my time here, trying to spend time with Belle as well. Faye and Kemp have been my saving grace.
“Poor J.J.” Belle gasps and slaps her palm over her mouth.
My heart hurts with the thought one day she’ll learn her birth father did this to J.J. It’s a thought I can’t comprehend right now. Belle drops my hand, clutches her Kindle to her chest, and walks to the bedside. She raises herself up on her tiptoes, peering over the bedrail.
“Hi, J.J.”
The only sound in the room is the constant beeping of the monitors.
“Mommy wants me to talk to you, and I want to talk to you too.”
She pauses, the beeping serenading the room.
“I brought your Kindle. Want me to read the cowdog shit to you?” She raises herself higher on the bedrail, peering over at him.
I bite my bottom lip to stifle my laughter. It’s not the first time she referenced her new books with the word shit. I’ve never had the heart to correct her.
I walk up behind her. “Here, baby. This is where I lie and hold him. Be very careful not to touch his side right here or get tangled in any tubes.”
“Okay, Momma.”
I pick her up, pulling her to my chest, and look in her eyes. “Belle, if this scares you, you don’t have to do this.”
“I’m not scared, Mommy. He needs a story. It will make him all better.”
“You’re such a brave little girl.” I kiss the tip of her nose and help her get settled in the bed.
Belle swipes the Kindle to life with her tiny finger. She thumbs through several books before settling on a picture book she can read all by herself since there are very few words and she makes them up anyway.
“J.J.” She leans over and kisses the side of his head. “This is called The Best Cowboy Ever Named J.J.”
I fold my arms and lean back on the wall next to the bed, clearly seeing the title Spot.
“Once upon a time, there was a cowboy. He didn’t talk a lot and looked kinda mean and scary.”
***
J.J.
A sweet voice interrupts the darkness. It’s not Navy’s or Kemp’s. I’ve heard their pleading voices for days on end. The harder I struggled to open my eyes, the heavier they became. Navy whispered over and over that she killed him and it was over, and I wanted more than anything to open my eyes but couldn’t.
Tiny lips pepper kisses on the side of my face. A petite hand rests on my arm. The fog in my head begins to clear, making it possible to make out her words.
“…and looked kinda mean and scary. He didn’t talk and growled a lot. I was scared of him. Then my cowboy liked to read cowboy books. I liked it when he read to me. He makes my momma smile, and I miss the cowboy.
“I want him to wake up and buy me a pony and read me books and make my momma smile. His momma, Faye, misses him so much she cries. Kemp doesn’t wrestle or tickle me anymore. He’s sad too. We need the cowboy to wake up so he can make the people happy. The end.
“Okay, wait, I have another.”
A new voice speaks. My sparrow. “Just a few more, sweetheart. I just know he can hear you, and I liked your story a lot.”
The tiny hand squeezes my arm. “Thanks, Momma. Faye taught me to read.”
My eyelashes flutter against the skin. The invisible force sealing them shut dissipates. I try over and over until light begins to stream in.
The pain ricochets in my skull. Belle continues reading. I battle through the pain, my eyelids fighting me each step. I don’t give up until I’m blinded by piercing light.
“J.J.” Navy steps up to my bedside. “Oh my God, J.J.”
I try to smile and know it fails. I blink once then two times. Navy vanishes from sight. Belle rustles next to me until she’s in my face. Her tiny fingers pick at my eyelids.
“Are you alive?”
I chuckle. It doesn’t come out as one; instead a gasp and cough attack me, sending pain from my chest all the way down my spine.
“Belle, honey, back up a bit.” Navy plucks her from the bed.
I try to speak, but my voice is way too dry and thick, so I shake my head. Navy sets Belle back down on the bed, hugging her from behind. Tears roll down her beautiful face.
“Hi,” I croak out, not recognizing my voice.
“Cowboy!” Belle squeals, sending another lightning bolt of my horrible pain through my skull.
“Belle.” I raise my hand, grabbing her little one.
“I need to get the doctors,” Navy announces.
“No.” I stare at her, unable to break eye contact.
The worst day of my life floods back in. About two hours on the road is when Kemp and I realized we were being set up. Dax called us claiming he found a snitch among our employees. Of all fucking people, a receptionist at Big Enterprise who was blackmailed. Jordan got into the system and set us up.
My stomach lurches remembering the scene I walked in on at the cabin. My body begins to tremble in anger and rage.
“I’m getting the doctors.” Navy is off before I can stop her.
Belle is up in my face. “Did you hear my story? Cowboy, will you buy me a pony?”
I manage a grin this time. “Yeah, Belle.”
“You’re not scary anymore to me. I think I love you because everyone else loves you so much, and I miss you.”
The IV in my arm rips and tears at my skin, but it doesn’t stop me. I bring my hand up to Belle’s dark curls and pull her head down to my chest. I do my best to kiss the top of her head.
“I’ll give you the world.” I begin coughing. The agony in my chest radiates once again all over my body. The pain is crippling.
Navy rushes in and scoops Belle from the bed. Unfamiliar faces come into view. I’m assaulted with an array of questions. Yet the coughing doesn’t stop, and the pain intensifies.
The last thing I see is a needle going to the tubes dangling from my arm. My eyelids grow heavy again. Then there’s peace.