“So you get to sit around and watch the telly, and Sean brings you food and Big Tag’s still paying you?” Li asked with a shake of his head. “Damn me. I need to get a couple of assassins after me, too. Sounds like heaven.”

“I’d switch places with you,” Jesse admitted. He sighed and looked out over the club. It was still early in the evening. Not even ten o’clock, so the scenes hadn’t really started, but most of the team had shown up. “Who’s got the baby? Or are you here strictly to give me shit?”

Li’s lips curled up in a grin. “Nah, although I do live fer dat. We turned the conference room into a nursery for the night. I know we won’t be able to do it once the kiddos are older, but fer now, they’re perfectly happy pooping in there for the evening. We’re paying a couple of the subs to watch over them, but they’re mostly asleep.”

He wondered if Phoebe knew the babies were downstairs. It might get her to come down. “I’m glad you came up with a solution, and my house arrest hasn’t been all fun. Tag won’t even let me go out into the courtyard.”

There was a small courtyard with a basketball goal and a couple of benches, but Tag had yelled at him for going out and shooting some hoops. Apparently snipers were fucking everywhere and they loved to murder dudes getting some exercise.

“Is she making you crazy then?”

That was part of the problem. He’d spent so much time with her over the last couple of days that he should be totally sick of her. He’d eaten every meal with her. Sean brought them dinner, but the morning after they’d been locked inside, Grace and Serena had shown up with groceries for breakfast and lunch. He’d expected to eat cereal and sandwiches, but he’d woken up the morning before and found her making pancakes and bacon. She’d smiled at him and handed him a cup of coffee. He’d cut up fruit at her direction and they’d had a good morning. Quiet. Peaceful.

It felt right to be with her.

“No. We’re all right. She just didn’t want to come downstairs.”

“Is she worried we’re going to attack her? Verbally, that is. Big Tag told us we couldn’t attack her physically.” His hands went up when Jesse growled his way. “I wasn’t the one who suggested it. My very lovely lady pit bull partner did. I had a talk with Erin. She’s going to play it cool, though I think we should just put them in a ring full of Jell-O and see how things go.”

Actually, that wasn’t an unpleasant idea. “Tell me what’s happening in the outside world. Sean is the only one I see on a daily basis, and he talks about what wine we should drink with dinner. I don’t drink wine.”

Li chuckled a little. “That’s Sean for you. Do you want a rundown of active cases or do you just want me to get to the good stuff?”

“Have they found anything out?” There was really only one case he desperately wanted an update on, and that was his. “All Big Tag will tell me is they’re working on it.”

“Whoever it is, he’s good. He’s careful. We think he’s likely been in place for years and has only been called into service recently. There’s a reason Chelsea and Adam can’t find anything.”

Because there wasn’t anything to find. It was why sleepers were so very dangerous. They could use non-traceable forms of communication. The US Postal Service didn’t keep records of the mail they delivered. All anyone needed was a stamp and if the person on the other end of the letter was smart enough to burn it, then there was no evidence the communication ever existed. It required patience, but it was possible to stay off the grid. “Is Chelsea okay?”

“She’s impossible. Simon had to order her to sleep.” Li leaned forward, the light from the bar illuminating his face. “I’ve been thinking about something.”

Jesse leaned in. Li O’Donnell wasn’t considered the brains of the operation, but Jesse had learned that when Li got serious, it was time to listen. He often saw things the others didn’t, had insights that escaped everyone else. “What?”

“Why would a sleeper come after you? I can’t get it out of me head. A sleeper like this is a valuable asset. Intelligence agencies will spend years developing an operative like this. Ten’s team was only recently put together, and every single man on it came from Special Forces or something like it. These weren’t new recruits. They’re the best of the best.”

“They should totally be killing someone more important than me.” Jesse understood what he was saying. Put like that it really didn’t make a lot of sense.

“Exactly. Ten’s unit has access to any manner of top secret information. Hell, they provide security in foreign countries for some high-ranking diplomats and politicians. This sleeper could go after anyone. Why you?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s what we need to figure out. While Chelsea and Adam chase their tails, I’m going to study you. You’re the answer. You’re the one who leads us to the sleeper. This is about you. We have to figure out why they want you dead.”

“Has anyone else like me died recently? You know, a soldier held prisoner?”

“No. I checked that first. I’m also looking at Ten’s group for the likeliest suspects. Ten swears he’s the only one who knew that number, but unlike our paranoid boss, Ten’s lazy. He had the phone transferred in from the head office. There’s a record of it in the system. Chelsea did find that.”

“Then it could be anyone.”

“No. Phoebe’s name and location are only on a NOC list. If someone’s got hold of that, we’re in for a lot more trouble.”

NOC stood for non-official cover. It was the way the Agency kept up with who was where and what name they were going under. It was highly classified. “So you think they found out through some other means?”

“Again, Ten’s been a little comfy. He calls her once a week and they’ve met three times in the last year. He could have been followed any of those times. Someone put it together and decided that she was the easiest way to get rid of you.” Li settled his beer on the counter. “The question becomes why not just take you out himself. The answer—because he’s got eyes on him. Because he’s got a team around him that might ask questions. That tells me whoever is pulling the strings doesn’t want to lose his puppet, but he was willing to take the chance.”

“And when he decides to sacrifice his pawn, he’ll do something desperate. He’ll come after me himself.”

“I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You’re safe here. It’s more secure than a prison, and someone is always watching. Also, I’ve been informed your girl doesn’t intend to let you die. Kai will be back tomorrow, too. I think he looks like a hippie surfer, but Ian swears he’s deadly.”

Jesse had kind of hoped he could avoid Kai altogether. Kai had been his therapist for months and he liked the man, but Kai was not going to take his decision to leave at the end of this well. Jesse could practically hear the lecture. “Let’s hope he doesn’t have anything to worry about. I doubt the sleeper is going to invade Sanctum the way Ten did. I’m probably stuck here for a while. At least Big Tag springs for cable.”

Li slapped him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure this out. Now the question is what do we do about your problem?”

“I thought we just talked about that.”

“I was referring to getting Phoebe to come out of her hidey-hole so you can play with her. Tell me you don’t want to play with the girl. Or have you been playing privately?”

Jesse snorted and thought about having another piña colada. Two was the set limit at Sanctum if a Dom or sub wanted to play, but Jesse rarely had more than one. Maybe he should just be honest with himself and acknowledge the fact that he didn’t want to play if he couldn’t play with her. “No. The only games we’ve played are board games, and I’m pretty sure she cheats. Can you cheat at Jenga?”

Li grinned, the smile making him look younger than normal. “I bet she could find a way. The Agency likes their operatives to be wily ones.” He sobered slightly. “So why isn’t she really down here? Are you not getting on now that she doesn’t cry at the drop of a hat?”

“She didn’t cry that much and we’re getting along all right.” When he really thought about it, the last several days had been peaceful. He’d enjoyed her company, and she’d actually talked to him. The night before they’d had something called osso buco, and she’d drank some of the wine Sean had brought and Jesse had enjoyed a beer. They’d sat in front of the fire in Kai’s living room and talked about where they grew up. Jesse had told her about Wyoming and she’d talked about horse country in Virginia. She’d even talked a bit about her husband and some of the trouble they’d gotten into as teens. “I like her.”

“I could tell. You know, I’m glad my wife understood why I did what I did. We wouldn’t be together if she’d taken a hard line against men who met her under false pretenses. Unlike Chelsea, who curses the poor woman’s very name, I understand the position Phoebe was in. Yes, she lied, but it was her job. All I’m saying is if you want the girl, get her. Don’t be afraid the rest of us are going to think poorly of you or that we won’t accept her. I guarantee this will be nothing but a tale to tell your kiddos one day. Go upstairs and coax her down. She’ll see it’s not so bad.”

He wanted her. His need to seduce and dump her had lasted an entire night. When he’d woken up next to her that first morning, she’d been curled up against him and all of his badassed revenge had gone up in smoke. That was who he was. He was surrounded by men who understood what vengeance meant, but he was a puppy begging for affection. He was exactly what the Caliph had called him. A dog. Dumb. Loyal when he shouldn’t be. He shook his head. “No, she’s fine where she is. She’s nervous about the BDSM stuff. We went over the contract and I explained how things work in the dungeon, but she decided it wasn’t for her. She’s going to read or something.”

“Little chicken,” Li said, taking another beer from the bartender. “If there was ever a woman who needed some dominance, it’s that one. Scared of her own shadow. She could use some discipline.”

“She was only pretending to be skittish, Li.”

“Perhaps, but I think it’s interesting that she chose that persona to hide behind. You know as well as I do that it’s best to stick close to your own self when going undercover. She decided to be the girl everyone worried about, the girl all the other women tried to protect. That says something about her.”

He hadn’t thought of it that way. “She was raised in foster care until she was a teen.”

“There you go. That makes sense then. She spent her whole life taking care of herself. She chose to be a person who needed to be protected. Do you understand?”

Jesse shook his head. “I don’t understand a damn thing about her.”

“Well, that’s because she’s a woman. I love my Avery, but I rarely understand why she does the things she does. I only know that I’ll do anything at all to make sure she keeps doing them. That woman’s a mystery to me and I won’t ever finish solving her.”

Phoebe was completely a mystery. So was his reaction to her. Not one single dream. He’d slept better than he ever had. He didn’t even wake up when she rolled out of bed. It was incomprehensible to him.

Li looked up, his eyes widening slightly. “Well, it looks like you were wrong about her.”

Jesse followed his line of sight and his jaw damn near dropped.

Phoebe walked into the bar wearing the clothes he’d put out for her earlier that day. He’d laid them out with very little hope that he’d see her in them. A scarlet corset sat over a tiny spandex miniskirt that revealed far more than it covered. He’d left out the fishnet hose that had come with the outfit because he would rather see her legs. Her feet were bare, showing off the way her toes were painted a hot pink.

“Hi.” She stepped up to the bar. “Can I have one or is that something just for the Doms?”

Li eased off his barstool. “I’ll leave you two. Phoebe, you look lovely.”

She frowned. “Really?”

“Really. Welcome to Sanctum. Jesse, don’t let that one get too far away. Every unattached Dom in the place will be after her.” Li nodded toward the dungeon. “Big Tag is here with Charlotte. He’s doing some kind of exhibition where he spins around floggers like a bloody baton twirler. What’s the world coming to?”

Jesse sort of, kind of realized Li was walking away. His whole focus was on the woman in front of him. “You can have a drink. I suggest one before and one after.”

“After?” She tugged at her skirt as she tried to get on the barstool. “Does this have to be so short?”

“If you don’t like it I could exchange it for a thong.” He thought he’d been pretty damn kind to give her a sort of skirt.

“That’s worse.” She cursed under her breath.

He slid off his barstool, picked her up, and set her down. “There. Better?”

She wiggled a little, obviously trying to find some modesty. She finally settled on crossing her legs and looked as prim and proper as a woman in a corset could. “Not really. You couldn’t have given me some undies?”

His cock jumped at the thought that she was sitting right beside him and her pretty pussy was just a twist of that skirt away. “Nope. But the fact that you didn’t try to sneak any makes me think you’re already better at this than most of the other subs when they started.”

She straightened up. “I can follow orders when I think they’re reasonable. Or when I think I can’t possibly get around them. I thought about putting on some of my own underwear and then calculated the chances of getting away with it. They weren’t good. Someone would have noticed and according to that contract, you would have the right to spank me.”

“You liked it when I spanked you.”

“I…I…well, I was caught off guard and I don’t know how I felt about it. Seriously, can I get a drink?”

She could have stayed upstairs. There was still a bottle of wine left over. She wasn’t down here to drink. She was down here because she was curious.

He caught Mike’s attention. “Can I get the lady a piña colada?”

She shook her head. “I would prefer a vodka tonic.”

He frowned. “Really?”

“Sweetie, you might be able to drink those three thousand calorie drinks all day long and still look like a Greek god, but I can’t.”

Mike started making her drink but it bugged Jesse. “You’re beautiful, Phoebe. You don’t have to change a thing.”

Her hand slid over his. “I know you feel that way. It’s one of the things I actually really like about the men at the office. Not a one of you has a thing for stick-thin women. But I have to stay in shape. However, if you want to tell me I’m pretty again, I won’t hold it against you.”

“You’re gorgeous, baby.” He took a long sip of his drink. “Why are you here?”

She accepted her drink with a polite “thank you” before turning back to Jesse. “I’m curious. I shouldn’t be. If you asked a few months ago what I thought of this lifestyle, I would have said it was abusive.”

“That’s because you were ignorant about it.”

“There is that,” she conceded. “I was also afraid of it. I thought there was one way to love and be loved and I’d found it. My husband was very gentle with me, very protective. I couldn’t quite get the two ideas to mesh in my head.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I don’t know that it has. Not the intolerance part. I get that it’s not abusive. It’s a form of communication in the end. It’s a way for partners to state what they want in an environment that won’t judge them. I don’t hate that. I just don’t understand why you can’t just make love. Why does there have to be all the other stuff involved?”

At least they were talking about it now. Before, she would always change the subject, and he’d gotten the idea that she would never be interested and any sex life they had would be vanilla. He could have handled it, but they could be so much more. “I know what you’re saying. I kind of thought the same things when I hired on and Big Tag insisted I come to Sanctum. I didn’t get why I had to wear a set of leathers and spank some chick in order to be on his team.”

“And I would be surprised if you handled it well. How could you accept some woman calling you Master after what you went through?”

It was a reasonable question, though he winced a little at her tone. Patience. He hadn’t understood at first either. “It’s just a word, Phoebe. It has the power we give it. That’s what I learned from here. I learned that whatever happens between two consenting adults isn’t wrong. I still won’t do any blood play or knife play. That bothers me, but that’s okay, too. Sanctum is a place where I can just be me and no one judges me. They accept me. Big Tag brings us all here because this place, this life, binds us together. It makes us a family.”

He could have sworn he saw a sheen of tears in her eyes before she covered them with a shake of her head and a bright smile. “Okay. I can understand the beauty of that. So what do we do, Sir?”

That got his motor running triple time. “Phoebe, you understand there doesn’t have to be anything sexual about play, right?”

“I understand the theory behind it. It can be about exploration and relaxation. Most club encounters don’t end in sexual intercourse. Although Simon tried to make me think yours do.”

“I have never had sex with a submissive at this club.”

“Why?”

“Because they weren’t mine. Because my heart was engaged somewhere else.”

Her eyes closed briefly as if she was in pain. When she opened them again, she put a hand over his. “Jesse, I don’t know what I can offer you. I know I would like to try this thing with you. I know I enjoyed that moment in your office before you were a complete douchebag and ruined everything.”

Well, at least she called it like she saw it. “I’ll try not to be a douchebag again.”

“I’m still leaving at the end of this assignment. I have to get back to my real life.”

He wasn’t sure why her real life had to be thousands of miles away from him, but he didn’t want to argue with her tonight. She was here. She was bending. He wasn’t going to make her break. “Then we should set the parameters. You’ve given me yours; I’ll give you mine. Just for the night. Anything else, we discuss as it comes up, but you have to talk to me, Phoebe. This doesn’t work in any way if you think I can read your mind.”

“It’s hard to talk about,” she admitted. “My husband and I were very young. We just kind of went with the flow, if you know what I mean.”

“I take this seriously. I take you seriously, and that means I can’t go with the flow. The flow often leads to misunderstandings, and I don’t want that. Tonight, I’m in charge. You’re going to obey me or we go upstairs and we play games for the rest of the night. I’m willing to be patient with you.”

“I don’t know that we have time for patience.” She shook her head. “I’ve thought about this for days. I want to explore this with you. I read the contract. I’m actually quite good at following orders. I also understand that I should have a safe word.”

He could make that easy on her. “Tonight your safe word is no. You tell me to stop and I do. You see something that flips a trigger and we sit down and talk about it. I’m in charge, but my main goal is to see that you’re safe and happy. That’s all I want for you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.”

Her hand found his again. It seemed easier for her every time she took it. “You’re a good man, Jesse Murdoch.”

“I’m glad you think so. I know I’m not as strong as the other guys.”

“What? That’s ridiculous. You are the strongest man I’ve met and I won’t hear anything else. And that’s a…what do you call it…a hard limit for me. I think you’re wonderful and I won’t hear you say anything differently.” She bit her bottom lip and her eyes narrowed. “Hey, do I get to spank you when you talk bad about yourself?”

“I am a really good man. Strong. I’m so strong.” A light happiness filled him. Doms could learn things, too.

She finished her drink and slid off the barstool, holding out her hand. “Show me around?”

He pushed his glass away and entangled his hand in hers. “Sure.”

He wanted to show her everything. If they had so little time, he was going to make the most of it.

* * * *

The only time her hands stopped shaking were when they were in Jesse’s. Phoebe stood close to him and watched as Jacob Dean used a paddle on his wife’s backside. She gasped with every smack, but there was no way to miss how Serena’s skin flushed and her eyes dilated in what looked like pure pleasure.

Adam Miles stood to the side, watching indulgently. There was a plush robe in his hands, ready for Serena when she was through with her scene.

Jesse stepped aside, allowing a woman to move through the crowd. It put him behind her. She couldn’t see him. Just as she was about to turn and move to be close to him again, his arm wrapped around her from behind, pulling her against his body.

Safe. She was safe again. She let her head rest back on his chest.

The last several days had been a mixture of heaven and hell. Heaven was waking up to find herself in his arms, snuggled close and warm. Hell was realizing that her brain hadn’t even tried to fool her. She’d known it was Jesse who held her so close. Years of dreaming of Jamie, of holding on to that moment right as she woke up when she could fool herself that he was still with her, that her nightly visits with him were real, and a couple of days close to Jesse had erased them.

Guilt seemed to be her best friend. Grief had taken that role for so long that the guilt was almost a welcome change. Grief gave her no reprieve. Guilt would flee for a while. It gave her moments where she forgot to feel bad. She’d spent whole days with Jesse, cooking and talking and playing games, and it would only hit her at certain moments. She would be laughing and getting close to him because her body seemed magnetized when he was around. She would find herself reaching for him or turning her face up to his, their mouths so close together. That was when guilt came back with a vengeance.

“Do you see how careful he is with her?” Jesse whispered, his breath warm against her ear. “It sounds like he’s really giving it to her hard, but he’s actually going easy on her. He spreads out the smacks, giving her time to rest before he goes at it again. It’s all about sensitizing her skin, flooding her system with arousal.”

His voice was getting her aroused. He’d been explaining scenes to her, but not in an academic way. Jesse talked about feelings and what the Dom was trying to achieve. They’d watched several scenes and Jesse had explained how the implements of “torture” were really there for the submissive’s pleasure.

The one time he’d spanked her, she’d had the orgasm of a lifetime shortly afterward. Could she shove her guilt aside long enough to try again? This time it wouldn’t end in the building being invaded. This time she would make sure Jesse got something out of it, too.

She just wasn’t sure what. She’d never taken the lead when it came to sex. She’d just been happy to please Jamie and get a little something in return. Jamie’s arms around her had seemed like the best thing in the world, the only feeling she needed out of sex.

Damn but she wanted that fire Jesse had introduced her to. She craved it, and being close to the man who had given it to her had just made things worse. She might have been able to forget it if he wasn’t always there, always tempting her by taking his shirt off and smiling that insanely gorgeous smile of his.

“Ah, I think they’re done,” Jesse whispered. “They’ll be in a privacy room before you can blink.”

Sure enough, Adam was right there, wrapping the robe around his wife’s body and lifting her into his arms. Jake grabbed his kit, shoving the paddle inside, and then he was racing after them, the eager look on his face making Phoebe tear up.

They were alive. They were in love. God, she missed that.

“You had enough? We could go back to the bar,” Jesse offered, moving to her side again now that the scene was over.

She wasn’t ready to go back. If they went back to the bar, the evening would be over and they would eventually go upstairs and turn off the lights and she would lie there wishing for something she shouldn’t, feeling alone and guilty.

“Can we watch Ian?” The big guy seemed to be getting something ready. He’d walked up on stage and started moving equipment around. Charlotte stepped up on stage with him. She looked surprisingly innocent in her modified fet wear. She wore a long skirt, but her breasts were covered with a leather bra. Her belly was on full display and her hand seemed drawn to it. She was always resting her hand there as though she found it soothing to make the connection. She smiled brightly at her husband, who frowned her way.

“Sure. He’s doing a demo tonight,” Jesse explained. “Though it looks like he won’t be using his wife. This is what we like to call an extra scene. It’s one the Dom didn’t really see coming.”

She loved how open and happy he looked. He was smiling and relaxed, like he’d been before her secret had come out, except there was really nothing between them, no wall of untruth to hold her back. Just that guilt creeping back in the happier she felt.

“What do you mean you’re not using me?” Charlotte Taggart’s words rang through the dungeon.

“I already told you I’m using another sub, one who isn’t pregnant with my child.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine, Ian. The baby is fine.”

He turned back to his wife. “I told you I won’t risk you going back into the hospital.”

“The doctor said the possibility of that is very low.”

“The doctor can bite my ass.” He leaned over and Phoebe could only barely hear him. “The doctor has never had to mourn you, Charlie. So no. This is simply an exhibition. I took a class and I would like to practice and see if anyone else wants to learn how to do this. If they do, I’ll bring in an instructor. There is nothing intimate or personal about this scene. However, if your jealousy is so great you can’t allow me to even perform an exhibition on another person, I’ll skip the scene.”

She had to admit that Taggart had the intimidation thing down. She wasn’t sure what she would do if she were in Charlotte Taggart’s shoes. Charlotte merely rolled her eyes. “You are such a drama llama. Fine. But I get to pick your partner.”

“Drama llama?” Taggart’s jaw had dropped a little. “You do know I’m more like an elephant. I never fucking forget. The minute that boy is born, your ass is mine. I’ve got a list of punishments that will make your head spin.”

“I’ll look forward to it and she’s a girl.” She winked Taggart’s way and turned to the crowd. Phoebe nearly shrank back when she realized where Charlotte’s eyes had fixed. “Phoebe, I think my husband would feel infinitely better if he got to beat on you for a while.”

She shook her head and started to turn to walk right back upstairs. “Nope.”

“Chicken.”

Phoebe stopped and turned, staring at Charlotte and trying to judge if she was serious. “That is the most immature thing I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.”

“Oh, then you haven’t been listening to her very long. Give her time. It gets way worse.” Taggart stood on the stage, his eyes lit with mirth. He did have the most bent sense of humor.

“Chicken shit,” Charlotte continued. “That’s actually what I meant to say. You’re a little chicken shit, Phoebe Graham. Or is it Grant?”

Taggart nodded. “See, there it is.”

“Do you really think calling me names is going to work on me?” Anger started to build in her system. She hated the bullying crap.

Charlotte stepped off the stage, moving carefully down the stairs. Phoebe was well aware that every eye in the dungeon was on them.

“Maybe we should go back to our room,” Jesse offered, looking between Phoebe and Charlotte.

“Maybe we should have this out here and now.” She wasn’t backing down from some pregnant chick. “You know it’s really unfair of you to pull this shit while you’re pregnant and I can’t show you just how chicken I’m not.”

Charlotte grinned as she approached. “That’s the best part of being pregnant. I can say anything I like and no one gets to punch me. As to why I’m being such a bitch, that’s easy. I’m doing that for you.”

“Well, don’t let me forget to send you a fucking thank you note.”

“If I don’t push you, you’re going to end up going back upstairs and you won’t have tried a damn thing. Jesse won’t push you. He’s too sweet, but I think you need a little shove because I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“Shouldn’t that be my call?”

Charlotte’s head shook. “Absolutely not because you’re a chicken.”

This was the most immature argument she’d ever been in, and she couldn’t seem to force her way out. “I am not. You know I spent time in a Chinese prison. It wasn’t exactly the Ritz and I’ve got the scars to prove it. I’m not some wilting flower.”

“Then you can handle one little flogging,” Charlotte shot back. “They’re not even stingy floggers. Are those deerskin, babe?”

Taggart held up a set of floggers. “Yes, two perfectly matching floggers. Same weight, same material. Deerskin. They’re soft and produce a nice thud.”

Floggers. Those were big old floggers and Ian Taggart would be wielding them. “I’ll do it with Jesse.”

“Uh, I’m not qualified to do Florentine,” Jesse said. “It’s two floggers working in time. If you do it right, you pretty much create a circle-eight pattern. It’s really cool to watch, but you have to be careful to stay on the big muscles, the shoulders, butt. You don’t want to hit the wrong place or you could damage the sub’s kidneys. I would have to practice on Darla for a couple of weeks before I would be willing to do it.”

“Who’s Darla?” She’d figured out that Sanctum was full of gorgeous, submissive women and they all seemed to want her man…well, they all seemed to want Jesse.

It was annoying.

Jesse’s hand found hers, squeezing gently. “She’s a life-size doll. We use her to practice on.”

She still didn’t like Darla. And she definitely didn’t like the idea of being at Taggart’s mercy.

Jesse let go of her hand. “It’s all right. We’ll go to the bar and have another drink or we can just call it a night.”

Damn Charlotte Taggart and her manipulations. “No. I’ll do it. Does my safe word work on him?”

“In this setting it does.” Sometimes when Taggart smiled he looked like a shark getting ready to go into feeding-frenzy mode. Unfortunately, this was one of those times.

“It’s just no for tonight, Tag,” Jesse explained.

“That’s no fun. I thought she would pick expellifucktis or something,” Tag replied.

“It’s expelliarmus,” she corrected. “And actually that’s a good one. I really wouldn’t be thinking that in the middle of this and it is a disarming spell that forces your opponent to drop whatever they’re holding, so it works.”

Now she sounded like a nerd.

“Is that Harry Potter stuff?” Jesse asked.

Yep, she was a super nerd. “Yes and I think Ian would make a good Voldemort.”

“He was a pussy.” Taggart gestured to the play area. “Now if Hermione here would please take the stage, we can get started. Jesse, tie her to the middle cross, please.”

“Cross?” Phoebe hesitated.

Jesse pointed to the back of the stage where there was a wooden X on the wall. There were leather cuffs on the top and bottom of the X, obviously where her hands and feet would go.

It struck her suddenly that she would be all alone up there. She would be stripped down and vulnerable and at the mercy of a man who likely had none.

Was this their version of revenge? Was this how they got back at her for lying to them? She stared at that cross and hated Phoebe Graham in that moment. This vulnerability wasn’t her. She was strong. She’d built up walls over her lifetime that were so strong almost no one could get through them.

Until Jamie died and she found out that all the shit that came before was nothing compared to how hollowed out grief could leave a person.

The old Phoebe would have shoved everyone the finger and then told them to go to hell because she wouldn’t have cared about them. This stupid weak Phoebe didn’t want to be laughed at, didn’t want to find out what they really thought of her.

“I don’t want to be tied up.” She would be helpless. She couldn’t be helpless.

Taggart looked down at her, his face as soft as it ever got. “I’m not going to hurt you. I promise you that. Like I told you, all my rage is far better expended on your brother.”

She shook her head. “I can’t stand the thought of being tied up. This isn’t right for me.”

“Phoebe, this is about learning to trust,” Ian explained. “You wouldn’t be the first sub who couldn’t stand the thought of being tied down and vulnerable, but you’ll also never know what it means to utterly trust a partner so much that he could do anything and you would know it would be all right.”

“I can’t.”

“All right.” Tag gave up. “I’ll get someone else. I can’t flog her with her just standing there. There’s too much risk that she would move at the wrong time.”

“Let me be her cross,” Jesse said suddenly. He stepped forward. “She can hold on to me, lean on me. That way I can tell if she’s handling it all right.”

Taggart seemed to think about it for a moment. “She can use her safe word at any moment, but she’s got to be still until I stop.”

“I won’t move.”

Taggart nodded and gestured for Jesse to join him in setting up the scene. Phoebe was left watching them, wondering if she was making the right choice.

If Jesse was with her, she could try it. It would be better to know than not. If they made fun of her, or if Taggart decided to hurt her for kicks, then she would know that he was the same as all the other assholes she’d met. She didn’t think so, but then she’d only seen how he treated the people he loved. How would he treat her?

People liked to hurt other people. That was what life had taught her. Her childhood had been one long succession of adults who failed her. She’d watched her foster brothers and sisters damn near kill each other over as little as an extra soda. Only Ten and Jamie and their dad had ever offered her refuge, and then they’d sent her off to fight a war no one even knew was raging.

“Just hold on to Jesse.” Charlotte was suddenly at her side. “I promise it won’t hurt. It’s like a really nice massage. Try to let your mind drift. Hear the rhythm of the floggers moving and let go. Jesse will catch you. He won’t let anything happen to you.”

Phoebe turned to Charlotte. “I thought you were hoping to watch me squirm.”

“Only in a good way. Phoebe, if I hadn’t challenged you, you would have stayed out there in the audience all night. You needed a push and I gave it to you. Trust me, I know how to deal with stubborn women who need a swift kick in the ass from time to time. I’m Chelsea’s sister after all.” She got serious for a moment. “I think you need this every bit as much as she did. Women like you, like us, we need to be able to let go from time to time. We need to know we have a safe place.”

“I had one once.”

“I know and you can have another one.” Charlotte reached up and smoothed back her hair, a gesture that made Phoebe wish she’d had an older sister.

“Why are you being nice to me?” It didn’t really make sense when she thought about it.

“Because you’re my friend.”

“I lied to you.”

“Oh, honey, we all do things we probably shouldn’t. We do them for our jobs. We do them to survive. We do them because we love someone. When the chips were down, you picked him and that’s all I need to know. I hope that you’re smart enough to pick yourself when the chips are down the next time.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I think walking away from Jesse would be an act of sacrifice you don’t need to make. When you have to decide between him and your job, between him and your first husband—and somewhere in your slightly fucked-up head that’s happening—choose what will make you happy. Choose a future, not the past. Choose us because guess what, we come with him in all our glory and that includes a head of the family who likes to flog people. I also chose you because you won’t use this time to try to get my husband to cheat on me.” She turned suddenly, pointing a finger at a blonde girl who shrank back. “That’s right. I’m talking about you. I hear everything and I will murder you if you touch him.” When she turned back to Phoebe, she had a hand on her belly, rubbing it thoughtfully. “After the baby. I’m not actually allowed to murder anyone while I’m pregnant.” She leaned in. “And that girl back there didn’t actually touch him. She just mentioned to someone that Ian was probably sexually frustrated because his wife is a whale and she offered to take care of him.”

“I’m not pregnant. I could murder her.” She hated mean girls. Loathed them. It was one of the great things about the McKay-Taggart women. They supported each other. They were kind to each other even though they could be deeply sarcastic about it.

“See, you fit right in now.” Charlotte nodded toward the stage. “They’re ready. And don’t worry about Ian. He’ll take care of you. You don’t know it yet, but you are one of us.”

It was a sweet thought, but she certainly hadn’t earned it. She stepped up to the stairs, deeply aware of the crowd around her. She turned to her right and there was a woman in a corset smiling at her with encouragement. She was a bigger girl, very likely considered overweight in the outside world, but here she was beautiful. Here, she was accepted.

It suddenly occurred to her that Ian Taggart hadn’t liked the outside world very much. They were alike in that thinking. But while she’d simply put up walls to keep it out, Ian had done something about it. He’d created his own world and invited people in. He’d built a place where he felt comfortable and in doing so made others comfortable with themselves.

He’d built something lovely.

Jesse stood at the edge of the stage, his hand out to help her up. God, she loved how big his hands were, how callused they were. His hands were solid. They were hands that had worked, hands that protected. She slid hers into his and immediately felt stronger. “Think about this for a moment, Phoebe. You know he can’t flog you in that corset.”

Naked. She would have to be naked from the waist up, of course, though no one had to see her except Jesse. She turned and looked at the crowd. They weren’t all gorgeous. Many were normal and yet there was such beauty in their acceptance of themselves and others. “Can you help me out of it? I had to find Avery to help cinch me in.”

Now Avery was watching from the sidelines with Li. She gave Phoebe a thumbs-up.

Even with Ten and Jamie, she’d been a little apart because she was the only woman. They could love her, but they would never understand what it meant to be her. Charlotte and Avery understood, and that somehow made it easy to decide to shed her armor. And hey, the corset hadn’t covered much anyway.

Jesse’s lips quirked up in a crazy, sexy smile. “Really?”

A confidence like she’d never felt before poured through her. “Yeah, really.”

He would like her. He would praise her and it would be okay.

“Come here.” His voice went deep, his stance suddenly very straight and proud. It made his shoulders even wider, his chest and abs stand out. Not that they needed much help. He was wearing nothing over them but a leather vest that seemed to showcase just how often the boy worked out. His muscles were perfectly cut and she suddenly had the deepest desire to touch them. “You belong to me tonight. In this place and for this one night, you’re mine.”

Just one night. Just one place. It was unreal, like a few hours that would only really exist in a dream. She could be his for a little while. For a few moments, she could find that safe place Charlotte had talked about. It wouldn’t be a betrayal of James. It was just a momentary vacation from reality. “Yes.”

He pulled her close and his hands went to the back of her corset. “Ian, could you give me a knife?”

Before she knew what was happening, she felt pressure as the corset pulled tight and then blessed relief as it completely let go. She hadn’t realized how tight it had been, how hard it was to breathe. Oh, and she definitely hadn’t known how good the cool air would feel on her skin. Jesse pulled the corset apart and her spine tingled with the delicious chill.

But only for a moment because the chill was replaced with the heat of those big hands rubbing over her body. As soon as Jesse handed the corset and knife to Ian, he immediately ran his hands down the line of her spine. His head turned down, his eyes going right to her breasts.

Her nipples perked up and no matter what Charlotte had said about this scene being impersonal, she was wrong. Taggart might be wielding the flogger, but this scene was really about her and Jesse, and there was nothing impersonal about that. He’d never seen her breasts before, but she couldn’t hide them again when he was so obviously enjoying the view. His eyes were hot on her skin and he pulled on her hips, bringing her into contact with his lower body.

Yes. He liked her breasts quite a bit. His erection pressed against her belly. The few times that had happened, he’d shied away, but not this time. This time he looked right at her, confidence evident in the way he held himself. “Yeah, that’s for you. That’s what you do to me.”

Desire was a drug thrumming through her system, making the whole world seem softer than it had before, slightly unreal. She didn’t argue when he gently turned her, his hands going to her hips as he displayed her to the crowd.

Crap. She was an exhibitionist. There was no way to fool herself. She was hot and bothered and it was mostly about the fact that Jesse’s hands were on her, but she had to admit, she liked being half naked in front of the crowd. She should be shrinking back, covering up.

Why? Why should she? Because someone told her she should? Charlotte was right. This place was safe.

“I have a beautiful sub, Master Ian,” Jesse said. “I like showing her off.”

“She is lovely, Master Jesse.” Ian Taggart was looking at her breasts, but with an almost clinical detachment. “You’re a lucky man. Now let’s see if we can get her to relax.”

He turned and began showing off the floggers he held, explaining what they were made of and how important it was that they be properly matched and weighted for Florentine flogging. Jesse led her back to the cross as Taggart continued his lecture. She heard his voice but her focus was on Jesse’s hands, his body, as he shrugged out of his vest and all she could see was his beautifully muscled chest. He placed his back toward the cross and spread his legs wide, boots solid against the floor.

“Stand on my feet. It will put you in the proper position.”

“I’m heavy.” It would seem odd to be so close to him, almost dependent on him.

“None of that. I don’t want to have to stop the scene and spank you.”

He would do just that. She could see that this was a different Jesse, and she found him fascinating. She stepped up, placing her bare feet on top of his boots. His hands found her waist, balancing her. It was easy to let her chest rest against his. Her breasts against his chest, her legs rubbing the leather pants that covered his body. Warmth immediately suffused her and her skin felt alive. She turned her face and allowed herself to really study him for the first time. She’d pushed him away too many times because she thought she should. Now she took in the planes of his face, the way his jaw squared. His lips were sensual, big and so kissable she wanted to run her tongue across them. His blond hair was too short. If he was hers, she’d get him to grow it out so it was thick and wavy and she could sink her fingers into it. Blue eyes stared down at her, so serious.

“Relax. I’ll be able to feel your reactions. I’ll be watching you.”

He would take care of her. She wouldn’t be alone for a moment.

She laid her head against his shoulder.

A sexy beat began, spilling from the speakers that dotted the club. She heard Ian explain that it was helpful to keep a beat.

“He’s going to start now. He’s going to be easy at first.”

She couldn’t help it. She tensed up, but Jesse was right there, whispering in her ear. “It’s all right. It’s going to be good. You can stop at any moment.”

But it occurred to her that she’d been stopping far too often. She’d been screaming a safe word at the universe for years, and she wasn’t safer or happier for it. She was just lonely and afraid.

She had a choice and she chose to lay her head back down, to trust Jesse and the very man who should hate her. She had to trust Taggart or go back to her room and cling to her side of the bed because she was too guilty and afraid to lie in Jesse’s arms.

The first thud hit her shoulder, a little whisper across her skin. It was followed by a twin caress on her opposite side. It wasn’t bad. It was nice, a brushing of soft falls over her flesh.

She opened her senses, allowing touch and sound to rule. So often she lived only in her head, ignoring her body like it was secondary and somewhat useless in comparison. She chose intellect over everything else, but now she allowed herself to simply feel, to hear without questioning.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Like a train running endlessly down the tracks. Not in a hurry. No particular destination, traveling to simply travel.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Like the horse she’d learn to ride on, big hooves eating the distance, joy in the freedom of riding.

Thud. Thud. Thud. Though she was still, she felt as if she was moving, the insistent thud of the flogger taking her someplace she’d never been before.

Taggart kept pace with the music, his flogger moving in time to the rhythm. Over and over he struck with loving precision, bringing her skin alive. He struck her shoulders, her butt, the tops of her thighs. She could feel the almost circular pattern he was making, but after a moment, she took a breath and stopped thinking about the academics of the situation. She let out the air and felt her muscles relaxing even as the strikes got harder.

No pain. There was no pain from his flogger, just a hard thud, striking her and forcing the tension to flee.

She felt loose, like her muscles were melting in the most pleasant way. There was heat and pleasure at her back, but Jesse was at her front. She was surrounded and she gave in, allowing herself to sink into the sensation of being wrapped in tactile pleasure.

“I can feel you,” Jesse whispered against her ear. “I felt the moment you gave over. Do you know how beautiful you are?”

She didn’t answer him. It wasn’t really a question. He continued to murmur in her ear, his words somehow matching the floggers beat. They drugged her further, taking her to a place where there wasn’t a lonely future, no tragic past. There was only the now, and it was full of possibility. She didn’t have to be Phoebe Grant, grieving widow. She was just a woman, relaxed and submissive in the arms of her lover.

She wanted to be his lover. Even if it was only for a night.

The thought whispered along her brain. She could steal a few days. She didn’t have to be alone. No one had to know.

“She subs out fast.”

“I think she needed that.”

They were talking, Taggart and Jesse, and she realized that the wonderful thudding had stopped. “It’s already over?”

Taggart chuckled. “That was a good fifteen minutes. I think it’s enough for your first time.”

How had it been so long? If she’d been asked, she would have said she’d been held by Jesse for a fraction of the time.

“I think she needs some aftercare, my brother,” Taggart said as Jesse lifted her up.

It was a good thing because her knees were distinctly weak. Her whole body felt loose and her head sweetly befuddled.

How had she gotten high off some dude flogging her?

“Because you’re a sub.” Jesse grinned down at her as he started to move off the stage.

Had she said that out loud? She felt small in his arms, small and protected. It was so easy to cuddle down and allow him to take over. She let her eyes drift closed, but she wasn’t about to fall into sleep. She wanted something more. She wanted a memory of him.

“I think we can handle the aftercare upstairs.” He reached the back stairs that led to the second floor and their private quarters. “Do you want me to draw you a bath or do you just want me to tuck you into bed?”

“I want you to make love to me.”

He stopped in the middle of the stairs. “What?”

“Make love to me.”

He stared for a moment and then he picked up the pace, practically running to get to their room.

No matter what happened, she would have her night with him. She would have one memory of the man she shouldn’t love.