Jesse stared at the files in front of him. He’d been staring for so damn long the words were starting to blend together. It felt like he’d been looking at them for hours. He glanced up at the clock. Yeah. It had been hours. Hours and he still wasn’t any closer.

Every man on Ten’s team was remarkable in some way. Ace could fly anything with wings. Boomer was a sniper of extraordinary talent. Deke had forgotten more about explosives than most people knew. Hutch was a hacker to rival Adam and Chelsea, while Bear was a mechanical genius. Michael Malone had an IQ off the charts, and the two younger Taggarts were already taking after their older brothers and showing great leadership skills.

Unfortunately, not a single one of the files had a red flag on it that said “also turned into a traitor by crazy freak.” He knew he should discount most of the team and simply look at the ones who had been taken for periods of time, but he had to consider everything.

He sat back, rubbing the space between his eyes.

“Can I get you anything?”

He turned and Phoebe stood in the doorway to the conference room. She’d taken her hair back down and looked more like the Phoebe he knew. Maybe it had been easier when she looked cool and professional. His dick reacted to softer Phoebe. His dick was a perpetual optimist. It was also a moron that didn’t know when to stop. “Nah, I’m fine.”

“I can’t believe he left you with those files.” She was shaking her head as she walked into the room. “My brother is a freak about files, and especially about his team. I would have been surprised if he let Taggart look at them, much less anyone else.”

It was nice to know he could still surprise her. Too bad she was surprised that someone would trust him. “He did let Tag look at them. He also didn’t get far. He and Tag ran out to grab a late lunch. If it helps, he told me he would kill me if I used anything against him.”

“You would never do that.” She gave him a tentative smile. “He trusts you. It’s a good thing. It means you don’t have to worry about him watching you again, though he’s really fast to ask you for a favor. You’ll have to watch out for that. He’ll have you picking up packages for him in the weirdest places, and sometimes the packages end up trying to kill you. I should know.”

He knew what she was trying to do. She was trying to find their easy camaraderie again, but he just couldn’t do it. Even being friends with her would be too hard. He just had to survive until she could go back to Virginia and the house she shared with her perfect husband. He nodded and stared back at his file. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“I’m sorry.” He heard her move toward him. “You know I was married. I haven’t done that with anyone but him. Have sex, I mean. It hit me afterward. It really wasn’t about you.”

He looked up at her, surprised. “No one else?”

“No. I was a virgin when I married Jamie. Well, not when I married him, but I did end up marrying him, so I sort of lost my virginity to my husband. I certainly hadn’t slept with anyone since I lost him.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” It had been the last thing on his mind. Pleasing her, making her want him—those had been the things going through his mind. He’d failed.

“It wasn’t like that. You didn’t do anything wrong. That’s what I’m trying to explain to you. I had an emotional reaction.”

And he’d wanted to hold her. Even as he understood she was longing for another man, he’d wanted to comfort her. “It’s all right. We made a mistake. We won’t do it again.”

She flushed, her face going pink, but she nodded. “Yes. We won’t do it again. I just wanted you to know that I…I’m going to miss you when this is done.”

“Sure.” She would remember the dude she wished she hadn’t slept with and he would remember that he’d failed utterly. It was a great trade-off.

“Do you want to talk?”

“No.”

She frowned at him. “No?”

What did she want from him? “No. You said what you had to say, Phoebe. I get it. I won’t bug you again.”

“You don’t get anything. You don’t understand and that’s why I want to talk. You’re saying all the right things, but I can see you’re still blaming yourself. It’s not right. Let’s talk about it and maybe you’ll understand what’s going on.”

Tag was right. Chicks talked too much. Better to shove that shit deep and move on. He was going back to hookers. Hookers didn’t need to talk. They got the job done and went their own way. “We’re cool. I won’t hit on you again and then you don’t have to lock me out of the bathroom. It’s as simple as that.”

Her face flushed a nice shade of pink. “Is that all you’re upset about? That I locked you out of the bathroom?”

Maybe it would be better if he played this cool. He spent all his damn life being an earnest idiot. He wasn’t going to fall to her feet and beg her to let him in. It wouldn’t work. He’d played her fool more than enough. “My toothbrush was in there. Oral hygiene is very important to me.”

A long sigh came from her as she shook her head in obvious frustration. “Jesse, please talk to me. I know I hurt you and I want you to understand.”

He held a hand up. “It’s cool. Hey, it wasn’t that great for me anyway. We definitely don’t have to do it again. At least I don’t have any desire to do it again. I don’t think you do either.”

Now she went a pasty white and there was no way to miss the way tears clouded her eyes. “All right then. I’m going upstairs for a while. Let me know if you need something.”

Shit. He started to get up to go after her, but forced himself to sit back down. He wasn’t the bad guy here. He was trying to put some much-needed distance between them. Yeah, he’d been a douchebag, but that didn’t mean he should run after her and fall at her feet.

“That was rough.” Kai Ferguson leaned against the doorframe. He was dressed in khakis and a white button-down shirt with black loafers. It was what Jesse liked to think of as Kai’s shrink uniform. He wore the same clothes, though in different colors, almost every day. At night he wore leathers, but even then there was something soothing about the psychologist. Despite his neat clothing, his hair was long, brushing his shoulders, though he usually had it back in a queue. He reminded Jesse of a brainy surfer half the time.

It struck him that Kai Ferguson likely had secrets of his own. There was probably something nasty bubbling under his calm surface.

Damn but he wished Kai hadn’t been a witness to that scene. “Sorry. You didn’t need to see that.”

“To know you’re in trouble? No. All I had to do was read the file on Phoebe Ian sent me to know that.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be at some conference?” He’d started working at Sanctum a few months before, setting up an office in the previously unused second floor of the building.

“Came back because Tag said he could use some help. Apparently Alex and Eve’s baby arrived early. They weren’t expecting him for another week, but the birth mother went into labor yesterday morning. The baby’s perfectly healthy so they have leave to take him home. Cute little thing, but now Eve wants maternity leave, so I’m here to take her place. The downside is I was making time with a schizophrenia specialist. The upside, I got a private jet all to myself, complete with top secret files. Apparently you got the files, too. Any thoughts?”

He would do just about anything to not have to think about what had happened between him and Phoebe. “I think it’s one of the soldiers who went missing. I’ve pulled their files in particular.”

“I agree. I talked to Tag when I hit the ground and he told me your theory. Very smart and I believe accurate. I’ve been going over the psych evaluations. Naturally there’s nothing that would cause alarm or they wouldn’t be on the team. I would really like to interview them. I think the real proof isn’t going to be in words on a page. I need to meet the men. There were two things that concerned me.”

Jesse sat up straighter. If Kai had something that bugged him, he wanted to hear it. “Yes?”

“First of all, Deke resisted when the team went in to save him. They actually had to knock him out to get him back to base. According to the reports from the squad leader, he even broke one of their noses and afterward he told them he didn’t want to go home.”

Odd, but it didn’t mean he’d turned. Jesse remembered how it had felt. He hadn’t actively fought the team who came for him, but he hadn’t cared much either. He’d been afraid to go back, afraid he didn’t belong there anymore. “You feel dirty. At least I did. I didn’t have a family to go back to, but if I had, I would have felt weird about it. I didn’t want to be around anyone I knew. I felt like the man I’d been was gone, and being around old friends would just remind me. Sometimes it got so bad, I wanted to die.”

It hadn’t helped that no one welcomed him back. He’d been met with suspicion and distrust, and people who wondered what he’d done to live when everyone else had died.

“I understand what you’re saying and that’s fairly normal, but I have to take into consideration that it could have been an emotional reaction to leaving a place he now thought of as home,” Kai mused. “Ace, on the other hand, was very calm. There’s nothing in his reports that even says he has nightmares. He could be stoic. He could be lying to preserve some sense of manliness, but I get suspicious when there’s no emotion at all present.”

“Maybe he’s not an emotional guy.” He’d met a lot of soldiers who knew how to hide what they were feeling. The battlefield wasn’t the place for a bunch of feelings.

Kai adjusted his glasses as he spoke. “We’re all emotional, Jesse. It comes out in different ways, but the smart person can read it for what it really means. Take the reaction you had to Ms. Grant. You intended to get her to believe that you are no longer interested in her and that she’s bad in bed. Way to punch a chick in the gut by the way.”

His stomach dropped. Did they have to go back there? “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“How did you mean it?”

Jesse looked down at the files again. “It doesn’t matter now.”

Naturally Kai wouldn’t leave it be. The man never let up. “If I had to guess, you two finally had sex and then she realized she wasn’t ready, but couldn’t talk to you about it until this morning. You realized you love her and think you can never have her. It’s one more thing you want in life that you don’t get, one more thing you managed to taste before it was taken away from you. So you tried to throw up a wall between the two of you.”

He was getting a little irritated. “Do you have a point, smarty pants?”

“I do and it’s about the problem with Ace Monroe. Even when we know we should stay calm, we lash out. My point is one way or another, there should have been some kind of reaction, whether it’s relief or anger or anxiety. The other two who were taken were treated for depression briefly. There was nothing in their records that drew my attention, but I would need access to them personally to really understand them. I can’t do that right now so I’ve got time for a session with you. How about it, neighbor? I could go and get Phoebe and have a little couples counseling. After all, I kind of have to live with you two. It would be nice to not be in a war zone.”

Jesse had zero illusions about why Kai had been brought in. Eve had felt Jesse needed more specialized treatment and Tag had found Kai, a former Army Ranger who now specialized in treating PTSD in returning soldiers. A whole crew of sad sacks now came in and out of Sanctum via stairs that led directly to Kai’s office. Unfortunately, Kai’s office was also his home. He’d set up a whole suite of rooms where he worked and lived. Jesse and Phoebe were staying in his guest suite. And Jesse had stayed in Kai’s room the night before. Where the hell would he go now? “Sorry about this. I’ll try to convince Tag to let us use a couple of the privacy rooms now that you’re back.”

Kai’s lips ticked up. “I don’t think you’ll convince Tag of anything. That is one man who could use some time on my couch. I dream about it at night, you know. Ian Taggart is one large mass of previously undiagnosed personality disorders. He’s like a walking, talking Nobel Prize. Well, if they gave them out to psychologists.”

“You know what I’m saying.” In his own way, Kai was as sarcastic as Ian.

“I’m happy to have some company, man. I’ve started to feel like the Phantom of the Club some days. No, really. It’s lonely during the day. I found myself playing the keyboards and laughing maniacally. Scared the crap out of the cleaning staff.” Kai settled himself in a chair across from Jesse. “I was mostly joking about the couples therapy, though from what I understand, you could probably use it. You’ve been through a lot in the last few days. You want to talk about it?”

“Nothing to talk about.” The last thing he needed was a therapy session. He had to talk about the crap with the Caliph. It was kind of required so he didn’t go nutso again, but he didn’t need to drag his nonstarter of a relationship with Phoebe into it.

“Spoken like a true stoic. There is always something to talk about. Especially when your week started with an attempted assassination by the woman you love.”

“I don’t love her.” He sure as hell wasn’t going there.

“Okay. By the woman you’ve spent the last several months with. Every free second of the last several months with.”

“Yeah, well, she followed me around a lot. It was all part of her plan.”

Kai grinned and slapped his hands together. “Good, we’ve reached the ‘rewriting history’ phase of the breakup. It’s my favorite part.”

“Screw you, Kai.” He needed a new therapist.

“Hey, I’m here to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk.”

“Okay, how do you feel about listening?”

“I don’t want to listen either.” He wanted to forget he ever met her.

He actually didn’t like that thought. The idea that he wouldn’t think about her again, could really forget her, made him anxious. Why couldn’t she be like the other girls who had rejected him? Or the ones it just hadn’t worked out with? He could remember their names, but their faces were a little cloudy. Some were pleasant memories, others mild regrets, but not one of them had shaken him the way Phoebe did.

“Excellent. I knew you would make a spectacular houseguest.”

Jesse groaned. Months on the man’s couch had taught him that Kai wasn’t like other shrinks. Kai was way more obnoxious, and he was like a dog with a bone when he got going. “Say what you’re going to say, man.”

“All right. I’ll do just that because despite what you believe, you need to hear this.” Kai placed his hands on the table and regarded Jesse seriously. “This is not about you. That’s what I’m going to say. Phoebe’s issues are not about you. I talked to Ian earlier and he told me a little bit about her past and her relationship with Ten Smith. And Chelsea might have sent me all the files the Agency has on her. I don’t think Ten knows about that. Chelsea wanted me to see if I could commit her to an insane asylum. She sent me a list of the top three with the worst records in the US, though she said she’d found some nasty ones in South America, too. Chelsea is all Team Jesse if you didn’t know.”

He couldn’t help but smile. And then frown because Chelsea could actually be a little vindictive. “Phoebe’s not crazy. I wouldn’t mind reading those files though.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea.”

“Why not? She did it to me.” He was feeling vengeful. It would go away. It always did and he would feel like crap about it. But he was curious about her husband. She wouldn’t talk about him except to say he’d been Agency and he’d died. He was curious about the man she did love. What kind of man could hold on to his wife after all these years? Probably a saint.

Kai shook his head. “So you want some revenge on her? You want to react in a way that runs counter to who you are as a person? Because the Jesse Murdoch I know isn’t interested in revenge. He’s a protector.”

That was a load of crap. “He’s an idiot.”

Kai’s eyes widened behind his glasses. “Have you wondered about why Ian Taggart took you in? By all accounts, he really should have had you arrested. Or killed. He’s that kind of guy. You shot his wife. Oh, from what I understand you were trying to get Alex, but you got Charlotte. You put everything about that operation in jeopardy, including the lives of two of his best friends and his wife. And yet, Ian took you in and gave you a job.”

He’d thought about it a lot lately. “I think maybe he was trying to make sure I didn’t turn. Maybe he was working with the Agency.”

Kai shook his head, his gold and brown hair moving against his shoulders. “That wasn’t his reason. He needed a man like you.”

“A grunt who would do anything he would say?”

“Dude, we need to work on your self-esteem. No. He was in a position where his men were getting married and having kids and he needed someone he trusted to watch their backs and to make the right decisions. Like backing up Simon even when you knew damn well it put Tag in a bad position. You could have lost your job over that, but you chose friendship and loyalty over yourself. You’re a selfless man, Jesse. It’s a unique trait, one that I believe you were born with. Oftentimes a certain goodness comes from nurture, from having a loving family around you. But I believe some people are simply born good, selfless. They’re the universe’s way of making sure there are always heroes among us.”

He wasn’t a hero. “Well, it sure wasn’t taught to me. My granddad was a bastard. Never hit me or anything, but he never let me know I was anything but a burden. My mom said I reminded her too much of my dad, and she couldn’t even look at me. She dumped me on the old man when I was just a kid. He made sure I went to school and had food, but that was about it. I was on my own for everything else.”

“And what did you do when he got cancer?”

He’d taken a leave and gone to see him, but his granddad had told him not to come back. He’d been so bitter, he’d turned away everyone. And still Jesse had felt a responsibility to do something. “I sent back everything I had so he could be comfortable. Like I said, I was stupid. Always have been.”

“No,” Kai insisted. “You’re the unique human being who can be kicked again and again and still maintain his peace, his love. It’s why they couldn’t break you in Iraq. He used advanced torture techniques meant to erase who you are so he could build a new you, one who he controlled. He apparently managed it with others, but not you. You are unbreakable because there is a core of deep strength inside you.”

“I never thought about it like that.” He’d kind of thought he was too stubborn for it to work.

“What happens to a dog who gets kicked too many times?”

That was easy. And it hurt a little because Kai knew what that meant to him. The Caliph had called him a dog over and over again. Jesse was the dog and the Caliph was the master. He told himself they were just words. “He gets mean.”

Kai leaned forward, his voice passionate. “Yes. You are not a dog, Jesse Murdoch. You are a man, and a remarkable one at that. I’ve studied hundreds who went through something like you and only a few maintain your light. So I’m going to give you some advice. You thought she could save you.”

He had. Deep down, he’d thought Phoebe was the woman who could heal him. He thought if he could get her to love him, he might feel worthy. He nodded, not wanting to speak.

“You were wrong.”

“I know.”

“No. You don’t understand. You thought her love could save you, but I’m going to tell you a secret I’ve discovered. Your love is the only love that can save you. Your love is powerful and worthy and more important than being loved in return. You already saved yourself. You do it every day when you wake up and make the decision to be a partner and a friend and yes, you saved yourself when you decided to love her. Don’t take that lightly and don’t regret it. It’s never, ever a mistake to love someone.”

“It is when it hurts her.” Kai’s words meant something to him. They really did. When he thought about it, he couldn’t control whether Phoebe loved him back. He could only love her or try to force himself not to love her.

The truth was, he liked loving her. It made him feel alive. He’d never felt anything like it before in his life, and he didn’t want to kill it. Throwing up that wall between them had felt wrong. It had been mean and he’d done it because he was trying to protect himself, trying not to ache. It hadn’t worked except to make him feel worse.

“It doesn’t hurt her,” a new voice said.

He looked up and wished the damn conference door had a lock on it. Was everyone going to walk in on his personal conversations today? Tennessee Smith strode in with a big bag from Sean’s restaurant. Big Tag followed behind him.

Ten set the bag down. “Someone needs to break through her walls and I can’t do it. I know what happened between the two of you last night, and I’m going to do something I swore I’d never do. I’m going to ask you for a favor, Murdoch.”

“What’s that?” Jesse asked, wary.

“Don’t give up on her.” Ten sounded more serious than Jesse had ever heard him before. Ten was always laid back, easy going, as if nothing really mattered. He was the quintessential good-time guy, which was a mask, of course. A man couldn’t do what Ten did and be easy going. He played a role like many of them did, but now he looked like a concerned brother. “She needs you. Phoebe had a rough childhood, and she’s got it in her head that her husband was her only shot at being happy.”

“She has abandonment issues,” Kai explained.

“Jamie didn’t abandon her. He died,” Ten shot back.

“It’s all the same in her head. She’s not thinking straight. She’s falling back on old thought patterns because in some ways they’re familiar and comforting, even if they keep her from what she wants. We tend to regress to our natural neuroses in times of crisis.” Kai pulled out a chair for Tag. “Like this one here has a god complex.”

“It’s not a complex if I really am the most powerful person in the universe. Then it’s simply a fact. And if you psychoanalyze me, Ferguson, I will murder you in your sleep.” Tag started unpacking boxes.

“He’s also got anger issues,” Kai said with a sigh. “But I’m right about the abandonment. It doesn’t matter that Jamie didn’t want to die. It only matters that he’s gone. She expects the people she loves to leave her. It’s easier to hold on to the past than to try for an uncertain future.”

“So what do I do?” If there was a shot with her, he would take it. Maybe he was too stubborn to get the picture the world constantly tried to paint for him. Maybe he should listen to the voices that told him everything would go to shit. Or maybe he should give in to his true nature and not give up. Maybe he was alive today because he hadn’t given up, and if he tried harder, he could have the future he wanted.

“Do you love her?” Tag asked.

He did, but really admitting it meant opening himself up. It would be so much easier to say no and move on, but Kai was right. If he was going to get past all this shit, he had to do the one thing he’d never done before—he had to give a shit about himself. He loved Phoebe Grant. It was meaningful. His love was worth something. “Yeah. I love her.”

“Do you think you’re good for her?” Tag asked.

“I think he’s good for her,” Ten replied. “She smiles around him. She’s passionate about him. When she says his name, she lights up and god, she’s been dim for so long. It’s good to see her smile again.”

Ten’s words went straight to his gut. If he could make her smile, make her happy, then shouldn’t he fight for the right to do so? Even if it meant fighting her? “Yeah, I’m good for her.”

Tag nodded as though agreeing. “Then man up and top her. She needs it. She’s in a corner and she doesn’t know how to get out.”

“I don’t know that I like the idea of her being involved in all that letter stuff,” Ten said, eyeing Jesse warily.

But she needed that letter stuff. It was only when he stopped topping her the night before that everything had gone to hell. He shouldn’t have slunk away. He should have been her Dom. BDSM could be anything they needed it to be. There was only one thing that was true for every couple who practiced. They had to communicate, to be honest. Yes, he hadn’t done that with her.

Jesse took a deep breath. It was right there—the need to punish himself for a mistake, to count himself as something less. Maybe he and Phoebe would have to learn together.

It was time for him to stand up, to be the man she needed, and that wasn’t a man who let a few mistakes come between them. It was time to be her man, her Dom, and that meant changing. It meant accepting himself.

It meant forgiving himself for something that hadn’t fucking been his fault in the first place.

It struck him forcibly. It hadn’t been his fault. He hadn’t set the IED or made the choice to be selected as the Caliph’s whipping boy. He hadn’t killed his friends. He’d survived and that wasn’t something to be ashamed of. He’d survived and he could have a life if he was brave enough to take it.

Jesse stood up. If they were going to have a shot, one of them had to let go of the past, and it looked like it was going to have to be him. He turned to Ten Smith. “This is between me and your sister. I’ll take care of her. I’ll love her and I’ll make sure she’s safe. I’m going to try my damnedest to make her happy, but I’m going to do it my way. It’s her way, too. She just doesn’t know it yet. So you are welcome in our lives, but you will stay out of our relationship.”

Ten stared at him for a minute and the room was utterly silent. Out of the corner of his eye, Jesse could see Tag grinning.

Finally Ten nodded. “All right, then. But you should know we’ll have a problem if you don’t treat her right. If you’re going to be my brother, you better get used to how I handle things.”

“I know. You’ll bring an elite team into my house and I’ll kick their ass again.” An arrogance he’d never felt before bubbled up inside him. It felt good. He knew whatever happened, he could handle it. He had Tag and Si and the rest of his cobbled together family, and if he worked hard, he could have Phoebe, too. “Ten, I promise. I’ll take care of her.”

Ten held out a hand. “Jamie would have liked you, Murdoch.”

That was probably the best compliment Ten could have given him. He shook Ten’s hand. “I probably would have liked him, too.”

A little cloud passed over Ten’s face. “She’s got a story she needs to tell you. She thinks you’ll leave her when you hear it.”

What the hell could Phoebe say that would make him turn away from her? He went through some scenarios and couldn’t think of one where he would leave her. He’d already lived through her lying to him. Everything else was easy. “I won’t.”

Ten nodded. “I know and that’s why I’m giving you my blessing. She isn’t thinking straight. She’s using what she needs to tell you as a way to hold you back. So she doesn’t have to take the scary step of actually being with you. I hope when she tells you that you’ll forgive me for the last couple of years. I was wrong about you.”

Jesse had learned a long time ago that holding grudges didn’t help. It was funny that he’d always counted himself as weak for not being able to stay angry, for offering forgiveness so quickly. But he’d seen real evil. There was no forgiveness for that. Everything else was negotiable. “You’re forgiven.”

“Just like that?” Ten asked.

“Why not? I’ve got better things to do than hate you, man. I would rather love her.” He’d wasted enough time brooding.

“Then go get her.” Ten slapped him on the shoulder.

“I agree with Ten,” Taggart said right before his left fist came out and he punched Ten right in the nose.

“Damn it. I just fixed my nose, asshole.” Ten put a hand to his face. He grabbed a napkin to wipe up the blood.

Tag smiled and went back to unpacking the food. “This is really the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Well, besides the whole wife-coming-back-from-the-dead and having a baby and shit, but other than that, getting to punch Ten at random is really the best.”

“See, anger issues,” Kai said with a nod. “Hey, is that lemon?”

“Touch that tart and my anger issues will get shoved right up your ass, Ferguson.”

They were still arguing as he left the conference room. Jesse walked out with a smile on his face. It was time to get his girl.

* * * *

Phoebe stood on the rooftop. She probably shouldn’t be up here, but she needed fresh air. She took a deep breath and leaned on the wall that surrounded the roof. Someone obviously spent time up here. There were a couple of lounge chairs and a wrought iron table with four seats around it. A long bench was covered in shiny, healthy looking green plants.

At least now she knew why the shrink’s assistant came up here every day.

She liked Dallas. She hadn’t at first, but then it always took her a while to see the beauty in things. Unlike Jamie. Jamie had a never-ending zest for life. The first time they’d gone to Tokyo together she’d been put off by the lights, the foreignness of it all, but Jamie had been utterly fascinated. After a while, she’d learned to see life through his eyes.

Jamie tried to make even the worst events into something fun. God, when she really thought about it, he was so much like Jesse it hurt. Jesse tried to see the good in everything.

Like the night she and Jesse had gone to some fancy place where they’d been given a tiny plate of food that wouldn’t have fed a bird. Most people would have been angry or embarrassed, but he’d laughed and taken her hand. He’d run to the nearest food truck, and they’d sat in their nice clothes in a park and eaten hot dogs and turned something bad into a great memory.

He wouldn’t be able to do that with the night before.

She shouldn’t have tried. Actually, he’d kind of tricked her. He’d done all that alpha male Dom stuff and she’d been confused. That was it. Most of the time Jesse was sweet and he allowed her to run things. He was devastating when he was sweet, but she could hold him off. When he was sweet and alpha male, it was a combination guaranteed to ruin her common sense.

Once she was back in Virginia, she would find her footing again. Ten was bluffing about quitting the Agency. It was his life in a way it never had been hers or Jamie’s. She couldn’t imagine a world where Ten didn’t follow in their dad’s footsteps. Hell, he’d been given full reign over his own team, running and directing some of the most top secret missions the US conducted. He would never leave that.

She glanced down at the parking lot below. She caught sight of Tag’s massive SUV and a Jeep she didn’t recognize. It was kind of beat up, but it was clean. It must be the shrink’s. She’d been told to expect him to join their little band of merry guessers. That’s what they were doing at this point. They were guessing and they were gambling with Jesse’s life. She couldn’t stand it. She wanted facts. She wanted to know exactly where to point and who to shoot at.

Across the street, she saw a truck parked at an angle that would make surveillance easy. She wondered who was on duty and if they were bored out of their minds. Most likely they were calling to tell on her, and someone would be up here to drag her back into the building any minute.

She watched as a van drove slowly by. What would it be like to be normal and happy and able to drive down the damn street without worrying about someone sniping the man you…liked…cared about…? She played around with the words in her head, careful to avoid the one word she couldn’t use with him.

She heard the door creak open and turned around.

Jesse stepped out into the sunlight. He was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt that showed off how lean and cut he was. God, he was delicious. His golden hair caught the light and he smiled her way, making her forget about the sun. She was lucky she didn’t drool. “Hey, your brother will murder me if you get killed up here.”

She turned back to the street, unable to watch him anymore. It hurt too much. “My brother hasn’t been trapped inside for a week.”

She heard him walking up behind her. “It hasn’t been so bad.”

Yep, Jesse was already trying to rewrite history, to take something horrible and make it better. She just couldn’t do it. “You’re kidding, right? Tell me you’re not going insane.”

“Nah. I kind of like the company.”

She had to force herself to breathe when she felt his hands on her waist and he stepped forward, pressing her lightly against the wall. “Jesse? What are you doing?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “A couple of things. First of all, I need to apologize. I lied to you. You pissed me off and I was mean and such a liar. Last night was the best sex of my life, and it was the best because it was with you. I loved fucking you, baby. I loved playing with you. I loved being inside you.”

God, this was so much worse. Every word that came out of his mouth seemed to race along her skin, like he could physically touch her with his words. “Jesse, please don’t.”

“Don’t what? Don’t tell you the truth?” The words were whispered against her ear, his heat warming her up. “Don’t tell you how good you felt?”

“Yes, don’t say those things.” She couldn’t say them back, even though she meant them. She couldn’t tell him she’d never come so hard in her life, that only he had ever made her scream and beg for more.

“All right. I won’t say those things. How about I apologize for not doing what I should have done last night. It was my fault. I was an idiot and I can promise you that it won’t happen again.”

Now he was saying the right things, but his hands were moving up on her body. Those big, callused, gorgeous hands slowly inched up toward her breasts, and she could feel him behind her. “Jesse, what are you doing?”

“I’m apologizing. I made a mistake. I should never have walked out on you.”

Alarm bells started going off in her head, but she was too focused on his hands to properly think about them. “Walked out? You didn’t walk out on me. I needed to be alone.”

“No. You needed me and I let my own insecurities drive me away. It won’t happen again. Phoebe, you should know that if you put a door between us, I’ll get it open one way or another. I’ll break it down if I have to, but I won’t ever leave you alone to cry again. If you’re going to cry, you’re going to do it with my arms around you. Do you understand?”

No. She didn’t understand a damn thing about what was happening. She’d pushed him away. Why was he back here and offering her everything she couldn’t have? “You have to let me go.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do.” His hand was dangerously close to her breast.

“That’s only when we’re playing.” And they weren’t supposed to do that anymore.

“No, that’s only when we’re intimate. Those were the old rules, and those rules got tossed out the minute you locked a door to keep me out. Here are the new rules. I’m in charge.”

He was so arrogant. Why did that do something for her? “You can’t just decide you’re in charge.”

He chuckled, the sound rumbling against her skin. “Sure I can. Now, I am going to give you choices. I’m not completely unfair. You can walk downstairs with me and we can have a nice lunch with your brother and discuss the op, but there’s a twist to that. Or you can walk down to our bed and take off your clothes, and I’ll make a meal of you.”

The minute he used that dark voice on her, her whole body softened. She didn’t even want to think about her traitorous vagina, which was all for door number two. Hell, her vagina didn’t even want to go downstairs. But her brain was in charge. Mostly. “What’s the twist?”

“You’ll spend the entire meeting sitting on my lap and I’ll feed you.”

She rolled her eyes because that was so not happening. “My brother is down there, Jesse. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s stupid.”

“And that’s ten,” he growled in her ear. “Do you want them over my lap now or do you want to wait until tonight and I’ll make the punishment public?”

“Punishment?”

“Punishment. I gave you a choice and you were rude to me. No more being rude to me. I’m not rude to you. If I am, you can spank me, but I assure you I won’t be. I’m a Western male and you’re my lady. I’ll treat you with respect.”

“I’m not your lady.” She meant that to come out with a strong, resounding command. Instead, it came out with a little whimper because his hand ran over her breast and squeezed slightly, just enough to make her soften and moan.

Fire threatened to spread through her as he took her right earlobe between his teeth and gently bit down. “That’s another ten because you’re lying.”

“Jesse, this can’t work.” She tried to focus on anything but how good it felt to be held against his body. She looked down at the street. The same van she’d seen before was slowly making its way around again. Must be lost. She was rapidly getting lost, too.

“And that’s another ten. I think I’ll spank the pessimism out of you.” He licked along the shell of her ear while he cupped her breasts. “You’re my girl. I simply haven’t shown you what that means yet. I meant what I said. I don’t care what happens, I won’t leave you alone again. You gave yourself to me last night. I won’t let you take it back because you got a little afraid.”

She gave in. She was so weak when it came to Jesse. It was wrong, but she couldn’t fight while his arms were around her, his hands on her breasts. But she had to make one thing clear. “You can’t expect me to sit in your lap in front of my brother.”

His fingers found her nipples. They were already hard and wanting, and he gave them a nasty twist that seemed to go straight to her pussy. “You will sit in my lap. You’ll do it because it pleases me to have you close. I’ve already had a talk with your brother about keeping his nose out of our relationship. If it helps, I have his blessing.”

She tried to turn around. “You talked to my brother about this?”

He tightened his hold. “I talked to your brother about the fact that I’m taking control of our relationship.”

“You can’t do that. You can’t walk in and tell me what to do.”

“Tell me you don’t want me.”

“I can’t. You’ll spank me for lying.”

“See. It’s already working. And you like spanking.” His hands gentled again, but one of them disappeared under her shirt and found her warm flesh.

She couldn’t help but sigh and lean back against him. Somehow when he talked to her like this, it was easier to let go, to give over to what he wanted—to what she wanted. “I know I shouldn’t. What if I cry again? I probably will. I can’t help it. I’m still in love with him. I don’t want to hurt you. If it doesn’t work, I’ll hurt you again.”

“I’m willing to take that chance, and I told you what would happen if you cry. I’ll hold you and then I’ll make love to you all over again. I’m going to prove to you we can work.” He pressed her against the concrete wall. It came to her waist, leaving her torso in full view of all of Dallas. “Do you know what I didn’t tell your brother?”

“So many things, I hope.” She didn’t like to think about what that conversation had been like. Probably very masculine chest thumping and much discussion about how Ten would kill Jesse if he hurt Phoebe and how Jesse would kill Ten if he didn’t stay out of their business.

“I didn’t tell him how dirty you are, baby. How gorgeously filthy you like it. I didn’t tell him that you like being watched.” His erection pressed against her backside. “I didn’t tell him I haven’t played with your ass yet, and that I’m going to. I’m going to get my cock in that tight little ass of yours and I’m never going to want to leave. You’re going to be so tight. That little asshole of yours is going to fight me at first, but I’ll win it over. When I’m done, you’ll beg me to fuck your ass hard and long. You’ll want me to do it on a stage in front of everyone. They’ll know who you belong to. They’ll watch you writhe on my dick.”

“Thank you for not telling him that, Jesse. Really. I’m so glad you didn’t.” A shaky laugh bubbled up. Ten wouldn’t understand the lifestyle. Ten didn’t play. Hell, from what she could tell, he didn’t date much. He slept with women, but she couldn’t see him ever giving anyone the type of intimacy Jesse was offering her.

“I didn’t tell Ten, but I think Jake knows.” He pulled up her shirt and ran one hand up to her breast, cupping it over the satin of her bra. His other hand dipped past the waistband of her slacks, inching ever closer to her pussy.

Oh, god. Jake Dean was in that truck. He was the one watching. He would have a set of binoculars and he would notice everything going on. He could be watching her right that minute. She had no designs on Jake Dean. None. She couldn’t handle the man she did have, much less have any interest in someone else’s, but the thought of him watching her, watching what Jesse could do to her got her all hot and bothered again.

When had she become such a pervert? She’d always been so staid.

“You like that he could be watching,” Jesse whispered as his fingers found her clit. His other hand tugged gently on her nipple. It wasn’t hard to pretend it was his mouth there. “Make a deal with me, Phoebe.”

She couldn’t think, much less bargain. Her body was completely his to command, and lust made her thinking hazy. Still, the words came as if he was a magician who could call them out. “What kind of deal?”

“Play with me. Be with me. No more running away. Give me until the end of this operation to show you that we can work.” He kissed the back of her neck as he started to work her clit. The man knew exactly where to touch her. Though he stood behind her, she couldn’t help but feel surrounded by him. It was like there wasn’t an inch of her flesh that wasn’t aware of him.

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Just for these weeks. I’m not asking for anything beyond that. Give me this time. Be my submissive. Let me take care of you and all I’ll ask in return is that you be my sweet little fuck toy. Your body will belong to me. Mine to fuck and love and worship how I like.”

His words were a drug in her veins, racing through and clouding her better judgment. How nice would it be to forget for a while? She would have to go back to reality, but for these days she could be Jesse’s. She could revel in his affection and give him hers in return because she wasn’t really this girl. She was someone else, but she could sink into the role and for a few days she wouldn’t have to grieve. She could live again.

“Yes.”

His fingers picked up the pace. “Be still. Let me start out right. You read up about the lifestyle. You know that right now, I’m in charge and you obey me. I won’t demand it most of the time, but when it comes to this, know that I require complete obedience. You can stop me if you’re scared or if you don’t like something, but we’ll talk about it. No more running away and putting walls between us. I won’t stand for it.”

She could barely stand at all. His hands were doing magical things to her flesh.

“Open your eyes,” he commanded. “Open your eyes while I make you come and think about how many people could be watching you. There are all those windows. How many people are stopping what they’re doing because they can see you? They can see that my hand is down your slacks. They know I’m playing with your pussy. They might want to be the man getting to touch all this sweet flesh, but I’m the only one.”

She forced her eyes open. Her pussy didn’t give a damn that this was contrary to proper societal displays of affection. Her pussy was not only a traitor but a blatant exhibitionist.

“How does it feel? Talk to me,” Jesse ordered. He gave her nipple a nasty twist that made her shiver in his arms.

“So good. Just a little more,” she practically begged. She looked down. She knew she should be embarrassed but she couldn’t help it.

Jesse’s cock ground against her backside, pressing her against his fingers. She was deliciously squeezed by him and it didn’t take long before she called out his name and gave in to the pure pleasure he offered her.

She sagged in his arms, staring down at the street below.

“I’m going to take you over to that lounge chair and fuck you in the sunshine,” Jesse vowed as he pulled his hands back.

She dragged air into her lungs and braced herself against the wall when Jesse let her go.

That was when she saw it. The van. The same van that had been driving by every couple of minutes was slowing in front of the building.

It was wrong. There was no work to be done here. Taggart wouldn’t have anyone in the building he hadn’t thoroughly vetted, and he wouldn’t have anyone at all who didn’t have to be here. Even Kori, Ferguson’s assistant, was escorted in and out of the building every day while she gathered messages and files and watered the plants.

Something was wrong with that van.

“Jesse?”

The van stopped in front of the locked gate. Maybe it was turning around. Across the street, she could see the door to Jake Dean’s vehicle open and he stepped out, already talking on his cell.

“Who the hell is that?” The sexy growl was gone from Jesse’s voice, though there was still a hard edge there.

“Maybe he’s turning around.”

A SIG appeared in Jesse’s hand and he started to pull her away. “We’re going inside.”

A loud rev split the air and then a crash as the gate gave way to the big van. It smashed its way through, tore through the parking lot and then stopped right in front of the building. She saw another car, this one a massive truck, race toward the building from the street.

Even Jesse watched as the driver’s side door to the van opened and then closed. A man in a ski mask stepped out, leveled his gun, and started firing toward Dean.

But it wasn’t the gun that terrified Phoebe. It was the fact that he had a small black box in his hand. She heard tires squealing as the truck rammed into the van, but her eyes were on that little box in the tall man’s hand.

“Shit, he’s got a bomb.” Jesse started pulling her away from the side as the world exploded around them.