I grip the bouquet tighter in a futile effort to make my hands stop shaking. It’s no good. The flowers tremble right along with me.
“I know you’re still angry, even though you won’t admit it,” Alex chuckles without any humor, “but you don’t have to act like walking down the aisle with me is so bad.”
“It’s not that,” I answer while glancing around the back of the church one more time.
He’s not going to show. Only three months into our bet, and Rob’s already breaking the deal.
I knew he was only agreeing in person to get what he wanted; just like I realized he was trying to manipulate me in the hospital. He’s not going to follow through. He just wanted to make sure I would.
“Take a deep breath, baby doll,” Alex offers, his voice deep, warm, and soothing. “This isn’t like before. You’re not putting yourself on display for these people. You’re you; I’m me, and everything will be fine.”
I follow his advice and allow my shoulders to relax. He’s right. There’s nothing to fear today. I’ll walk through those large double doors with my chin held high, knowing I did everything I could to help Rob turn his life around.
I can only control me.
No one else.
“You okay?” Mike steps up to us, scanning me like a human lie detector. “Ready for this?”
“Why wouldn’t I be? I just wish things would have turned out differently.”
Mike and Alex exchange a suspicious glance that doesn’t fly below my radar, but with my heart heavy, I ignore it. There’s nothing left to say.
Mike filled Alex in. Per the arrangements, my big brother turned overlord has been accompanying me to my doctor’s visits and making sure I do all I’m told during the off-season. Between he and Alex checking in on me, there’s no room for me to back out of my end of the deal.
“Franklin, standard missionary,” Mike mumbles while checking over his shoulder.
Alex shakes his head. “Jennifer, doggy style.”
That gets a small smile out of me. It’s comforting to know some things never change. “What? Betting on a baby name wasn’t good enough for you two?”
“Nope.” Alex beams. “Had to up the stakes.”
“Franklin is a terrible name. And more importantly, even if it was possible to know the exact moment of conception, no one is going to divulge that personal information about sex positions. How will you know who wins?”
“Personally, I’d go with something more artsy and modern like Echo and pair it with a wilder than expected reverse cowgirl.”
The voice at my back sends goosebumps racing across my skin. Glancing at the men in front of me for confirmation my ears aren’t playing tricks on me, I’m sorely disappointed to discover their expressions are masks of neutrality.
Until Mike breaks. “The buy-in is ten grand. We figure it’ll make a good college savings nest egg for a gift when they finally announce he knocked her up. Ten from me, ten from Alex, and ten from you should be a decent baby shower gift.”
“Sounds good. Count me in.”
I prepare to face him, fighting for calm with a lame, “Echo isn’t an actual name.”
“Sure, it is. Anything can be a name these days.”
“It’s true,” Alex affirms with a tight nod. “One of my teammates is Gorge. Like a canyon. The only reason no one gives him shit about it is because he could break half the guys in the locker room in two. His arms are bigger than my thighs.”
Rob’s warm laughter sounds so discordant with the broken man I left behind in Sacramento. I can’t resist turning to see if he looks as good as he sounds.
Dammit. He does.
Clean shaven, in a tux that molds to his body, and with freshly shorn hair I know feels as soft as velvet, Rob Falls looks just like the man I used to know.
If he breaks out the dimple, I’m done for.
He clears his throat and averts his eyes from my gaze. “Sorry I’m late. My flight was delayed. Twice.”
“I figured you just weren’t going to show,” I admit.
A smirk pulls at his lips, and yep. There it is. His own personal weapon of Evie destruction. “When a tux sized to my exact measurements, which aren’t exactly common, and explicit instructions to show up at a very particular place and time are delivered to my residence, I don’t think my presence is up for negotiation.” He takes a step closer to me, dropping his chin and his voice. Whatever he’s about to say is for my ears only, it would seem. “Anything you ask of me over this next year, I’ll do. I won’t give you a reason to back out on your end of the bargain. You’ve got me by the balls, and I think you know it.”
No. No, I definitely don’t know it. We’ve exchanged civil phone calls every other week for the past few months. Nothing personal, mostly just checking up on each other’s progress.
He knows I’m on phase two of the specialist’s proposed treatment options—hormone injections. I know he hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol since I left Sacramento, and he found an independent gym known for training professional athletes to stay in shape during the off-season.
Actually, neither of us took each other’s word for it. We double checked with our respective handlers.
Trust in one another is no longer a given.
“So.” Rob grimaces, then looks down at a wrinkled piece of paper he seemingly produces out of thin air. “Which bridesmaid is…Lydia?”
Because I never count on my instincts ever since Jackson proved them wrong, I study the paper carefully. Sure enough, it’s the same list I made him when I was in Sacramento. Memories of a much older list he carried around with him everywhere flood my mind.
He takes this one everywhere he goes, too? I mean, sure, I told him to keep it in sight as a constant reminder, but I never expected him to keep it on his person at all times.
What ever happened to the other list I made for him so long ago? Did he burn it in effigy when he realized how I’d lied to him?
With that likely scenario firmly entrenched in my mind, I give him the answer he seeks. “She has blond hair and blue eyes, killer curves, and she’s easily five foot ten. You won’t even have to slouch to escort her.”
“Great. That should make my life easier. Can someone introduce me, so it won’t be awkward?”
Disappointment floods through me at his casual back-to-business attitude. The tiny hope I’ve been nursing for us to at least salvage our friendship fades a little more every day. “She’s still downstairs in the bridal room with the rest of the girls. I’ll let her know you made it. She’s excited to meet you, so I’m sure it won’t be awkward at all.”
Rob raises his eyebrow at me. “Why are you up here if all the other ladies are downstairs?”
“Looking for you.” Mike rats me out. Damn him.
A smug look of self-satisfaction passes across Rob’s face, but evaporates just as quickly. “Here I am.”
Alex steps up to my side, placing an arm around my shoulders like Rob might try to make trouble. “You should go downstairs, babe. The guys are all lining up in front of the church in about twenty minutes.”
“Wouldn’t want to put a damper on the big day.” Rob smiles, but the telltale twitch in his jaw belies its authenticity. “I’m gonna take a quick walk to wake myself up a bit after all the travel. It’s been a long day already, and it’s not nearly over.”
He departs without another word.
No, “You look beautiful.”
No, “I’m glad I made it in time.”
No, “Lydia sounds like the kind of girl I bang every night.”
No…anything.
The day isn’t nearly over, indeed.
“You better slow down or Alex will be carrying you out of here tonight.”
“Slow down?” I laugh. “This is the best party I’ve been to in forever!”
“It is, isn’t it?” Alyssa beams with pride.
That old, elusive emotion of happiness warms my veins, buoyed by the liquid cheer I’ve been indulging in this evening. I throw my arms around the most beautiful bride I’ve ever seen, so grateful for the mental strength to not compare this perfect May day to one I’ll never have.
I haven’t thought about it once.
Okay, I thought about it just now.
But, that doesn’t count because I’m only thinking about how I haven’t thought about it.
Wow. Maybe Alyssa’s right. I should slow down on the champagne.
Her giggles echo in my ear. “Of course, you’ll have to do shots for the money dance. That’s not optional. The whole bridal party has to participate.”
I pull back, and though I fight the urge, I feel a frown forming over my face. “Not Rob, though, okay? We can get him…Coke or something.”
Alyssa purses her lips, her narrowed eyes studying me until I squirm under her scrutiny. “Since you still haven’t told me what’s going on with you two, are you doing okay with him being here?”
“I haven’t told you because you’ve been busy planning the best wedding ever. And yes, I’m fine. See?” I throw back one of the fruity shots lined up in front of us to prove my point.
“Mmhmm.” She glances around the spacious reception hall as she sips her own shooter. “I never did have a chance to thank you for getting him here. Jeremy was really worried, and I know he’s grateful for your influence, too. How did you pull that off, by the way?”
I follow Alyssa’s gaze to find Rob engaged in intimate conversation with Lydia at one of the tables surrounding the dance floor. “I don’t know, to be honest with you.”
I have him by the balls.
Yeah, right.
Since his arrival only twenty minutes before the wedding, Rob hasn’t said two words to me. Sure, he’s doing everything I spelled out for him on the list. Cleaning his act up, showing up, and being friendly.
Very friendly with some people.
Another emotion surges through me—jealousy.
Being told he’s been sleeping around since graduation is one thing. I never had to see the evidence of him and Julie together. Other than the clothes I assumed belonged to his lady friends in Sacramento, this is the most I’ve been confronted with the harsh reality that he’s moved on.
Why does getting what I want have to hurt so damn much?
I should really learn my lesson and quit wanting things at all. I could use a little less pain in my life.
Alyssa lets out a high-pitched squeal as Jeremy lifts her from behind.
The sight of them so happy on their special day, so in love, rights my frame of mind.
“Dance with me, Mrs. Quentin!”
Alyssa waves as her new husband carries her off to the dance floor.
With a lingering smile on my lips, I turn back to the bar in an effort to keep it there.
A hand at the small of my back followed by warm breath on the nape of my neck crushes my avoidance tactic. “Dance with me.”
“Oh, Alex.” I turn around with what I hope is an easy smile plastered on my face. “Aren’t you sick of me yet? The rehearsal dinner, the wedding, the pictures…”
“Of you? Never. Come on. Just one dance.”
I’ve been dodging him for so long, but it’s time to let go of my grudge. Though I don’t like how easily he turned on Rob, Alex was just trying to protect me. The past is…well, clearly the past. “Okay.”
“Gee, you sound so enthused. How about if I sweeten the deal?”
I raise my eyebrows, waiting for yet another bargain to be sprung on me.
“One dance, then we come back here and do lemon drops. For old time’s sake.”
My laughter sounds hollow even in my own buzzed head. “The last thing I want is to drink to old time’s sake, but you’re on for shots after a dance.”
God knows I need all the liquor I can get to make it through this night.
He leads me to the floor, wraps his arms around me, and we begin swaying to the slow beat.
Here, I can’t help but make comparisons. He’s not quite as tall, his hold not as gentle, and his scent doesn’t even compete.
“You seem like you’re having fun tonight.” Crinkles form around his blue eyes, a sure sign of his genuine happiness.
“I am,” I admit. “Alyssa and Jeremy are such a perfect couple. I’m glad today went off without a hitch.”
“It almost didn’t.” Alex’s joy fades, replaced with a hint of anger.
My stomach drops. “Oh, no. Why? Jeremy didn’t get cold feet right before the ceremony, did he?”
“No,” Alex sighs. “Nothing like that.”
“Then, what happened?”
“Rob made some crack about how weird it was that Jeremy was your first kiss, and he was about to marry your best friend. Jeremy decided today would be a great time to confess he wasn’t your first kiss.”
I must be drunker than I assumed. None of that makes any sense. “Why did Rob think Jeremy was my first kiss?”
“Probably because Jeremy told him so, way back in freshman year of high school.”
Still not putting the pieces together. “Why did Jeremy do that?”
“Because he’s an idiot.”
I blink at him, but Alex just keeps moving across the dance floor. “You’re gonna have to give me a little more than that, Fossoway.”
He sighs, rolls his eyes. “Jeremy also confessed he made up that story because in his dumbass fifteen-year-old brain, he got the bright idea that Rob would make a move if he thought he had a little competition.”
Oh, good. More proof we were doomed from the start. Just what I need.
This is the first I’m hearing about any of this, so Jeremy’s plan obviously didn’t work.
I was never enough to bring Rob out of his shell.
“I’m sorry.” Alex tugs me closer. “I shouldn’t have told you any of that.”
“So, why did you?” My voice is muffled against his shoulder, carried away on the melody of this slow song.
“I’m drunk.” Alex shrugs beneath my cheek. “And honestly, it pisses me off Jeremy knew how Rob felt about you. I thought I was the only one who knew because Rob told me about it. I always thought I was Rob’s best friend, but in hindsight, there’s tons of shit I didn’t know.”
That makes two of us.
Still, I hate to hear Alex feeling so bitter over their once close friendship. Holding onto the hurt and anger isn’t good for any of us. “You need to bury the hatchet and patch things up with Rob. He’s trying to get his life back on track, and he could use some friends in his corner. All this negativity, combined with you and Mike treating him like shit isn’t a whole lot of incentive for him to do better.”
“Things will never be the same,” Alex mumbles into my ear. “But, you’re right. It’s time to move on. I’ll…talk to him tonight.”
“Good boy.” I reach up to pat his cheek.
“You could get me to do anything you want,” he murmurs.
“Okay, then. Lemon drop me.”
Alex pulls back, a sly smile spreading across his face. “I thought you’d never ask.”
He leads me off the dance floor with a tight grip on my hand, and before I can second-guess this game, the ingredients are lined up in front of us on the bar.
He licks the sugar from my hand, beckoning me to do the same to him. It’s a little weird, I’ll admit.
If someone had told me years ago I’d be licking Alex Fossoway, I would have laughed until I cried.
Since there’s no place for tears tonight, I choose laughter.
He raises his vodka in the air. “To power.”
We down the shots, then suck our lemon wedges.
“That’s a weird toast.”
He laughs. “I knew you weren’t going to let that slide.”
“As much as I appreciate you following orders to not drink to old times, what does power have to do with this?”
“You said it yourself. I was following orders. You have no idea how much power you have.”
I have no power. I haven’t in a very long time.
Alex raises his eyebrow like he can read my thoughts, much like Rob used to. “Don’t believe me?”
I shake my head.
He steps closer, bending down until we’re at eye level. “You told me to patch things over with Rob. I agreed I’d do it tonight. Hell, he wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for you.”
“You’re only going to make nice with Rob because, deep down, you miss your best friend. You wouldn’t feel so competitive with Jeremy, otherwise. And Rob’s only here because of a stupid deal we made.”
“I know for a fact his mom has been begging him to get his shit together for the past year. And we both know how much he loves that woman. Deal or not, it was you who got his ass in that tux and to that church this afternoon.”
Why is he pressing this? He might as well be waving a red flag at a bull for as angry as his rhetoric is making me. It’s just as bad as every other time someone hasn’t believed what I said.
You were date raped. No, I wasn’t. I punched his stupid face and got myself out of there.
You weren’t really raped. Yes, I was. I have the literal scars to prove it.
You’re enough. No, I’m not. If I was, you wouldn’t have come for another woman before me, and then so easily believed my lies and moved on to another.
You’re too young to make such a life-altering decision. You might change your mind. No, I won’t. I’m in chronic pain. Sex is agonizing. And even if by some small miracle I can have kids, it doesn’t matter. I’m never going to open myself up to someone that much again; never going to give anyone else the power to completely crush me the way Rob has.
I cut my gaze to where I know he’s flirting with the bridesmaid he’s never met before today only to find him already staring at Alex and I with a furrowed brow and frown.
“You okay?” he mouths.
I turn back to the bar and motion for another shot. Downing it while Alex waits in silence, I steel myself.
“I think you’re confusing power with the ability to induce pity. Those are not the same thing.”
Alex rears his head back, his nostrils flaring slightly. “I never said that.”
“Didn’t have to. It was implied.”
“It wasn’t, I swear,” he backtracks. “All I mean is if you snap your fingers, I’ll do whatever you want.”
“So, you’re going to talk to Rob tonight simply because I asked you to? Or were you so eager to jump on that right away because you know how badly I feel about your ruined friendship?”
He hesitates, proving me right.
“And when you compared my ability to get him here with his mom’s efforts to help him clean himself up, did you or did you not mention the deal Rob and I made?”
Alex’s sigh is laced with frustration. “I meant you have leverage no one else does.”
“Leverage. Pity. Same difference.”
He pinballs his gaze between me and Rob.
Great. Don’t make it obvious we’re talking about him, or anything, asshole.
Finally settling his electric blue eyes on me, he looks decidedly confused. “Rob pities you?”
“Yup.” I motion for another shot. So much for slowing down. In my defense, I also didn’t want to take a trip down memory lane. Yet…here we are. Talking about the past.
Alex rubs his chin and seems to think things over, which is weird. He’s usually so sharp and quick, his tongue and brain in perfect sync. “I can get why you might’ve thought that in the past, but…he really didn’t.”
“Didn’t what? Love me?”
“No.” Alex shakes his head, still mulling things over. “He really believed he loved you. If anything, from what he said to me over the years, he respected you. Thought you were a total badass.”
I almost choke on my drink as laughter forces its way up my throat. I should probably be more concerned Alex is slurring his words, but hey. I’m not too far behind him on the drunk train.
“I’m not saying you should get back together with him.” Alex looks directly at Rob and sticks his tongue out.
Yep. He’s hammered.
Rob is still watching us and flips Alex the bird in return.
“But, I do think it’s important you find out the truth for yourself,” Alex finishes. “You can’t move forward if you’re always hung up on the what-ifs of the past.”
Hmm. That statement rings true, even over the increasing buzzing in my head as all the shots catch up with me.
Maybe that’s why I feel so stuck in limbo these days. As much as I believed nothing else needed to be said when Rob walked out the door of mine and Mike’s apartment, I’ve never really felt like it was truly over and done. I’ve only been forcing myself to believe it…for his benefit.
I cast another sideways glance to where Rob is currently ignoring his latest fling in favor of staring Alex and I down, the telltale twitch in his jaw signaling his displeasure.
I’m vaguely aware I wouldn’t even be considering this without all the liquid courage coursing through my veins, but…fuck it.
Alex is right.
I have to let go of the past if I want any hope of a future.
And I can’t do that until I know one very important thing.