It’s funny how time and age changes our perception of things once so familiar.
These halls look far less menacing now than the first time I passed through them, feeling like an outcast in a sea of people who were all, like me, struggling to just get through another day.
The navy lockers don’t look quite so tall. The overhead fluorescent lighting isn’t as harsh. And…well, it’s nearly empty.
No throngs of bodies to be tossed around in and…in potentially the best twist of fate to ever befall my life, no one to run into so hard my ass was bruised for days from the impact on the floor.
“It’s weird to be back, isn’t it?” Rob murmurs, almost like the same feelings of nostalgia are washing over him.
They probably are.
We’re surprisingly similar for all our differences.
“It really is.”
A few stragglers gawk at the towering man beside me, no doubt recognizing him. His records remain unbroken on the plaques in the lobby, even six years later. Ironville football hasn’t had another junior as its varsity quarterback since Rob.
“Are you sure spring is the best time to host a football camp? These kids have baseball on the brain.”
“It’s the perfect time, actually,” Rob assures me. “Their heads aren’t in the current football season, so they’ll be more likely to listen and take the time to fine tune their skills.”
“Wouldn’t summer be better? When they’re not focused on a different sport?”
His dimple makes an appearance with his grin. “We agreed during the school year was also the best time to host Sing Out assemblies, remember? There’s no way I can swing that during the fall. You’re the up-and-coming CEO who wanted to expand our reach to a younger crowd, to ‘open their eyes and their minds while they’re still young enough to be swayed.’”
Hearing my own words sounds…odd. This must be how Rob feels when he sees an interview of himself on TV. “Are you seriously quoting me?”
“Hey,” Rob shrugs. “It was an amazing acceptance speech that provided a valid business plan for the future of the organization. Especially since you threw it together on the fly because you didn’t expect the oversight board to vote you into the position.”
No, I certainly didn’t. I’m not qualified to be the CEO of Sing Out. Other than being a survivor of the very thing we’re working to eradicate from society, a college graduate with a bachelor’s degree in general business is ill-equipped to run an actual business, even a non-profit one.
Which is exactly why I’m enrolled in an MBA program which starts in the fall. Our lives, and schedules, are months away from getting far more complicated.
There are so many people who stand to lose if I fail at this.
Not only that, but Sing Out is our baby. I’ll put in as much hard work as possible to see it grow and thrive.
“Thank you for agreeing to continue to be the public face of the organization. I know I’ve said it before, but– “
He cuts me off with a kiss which is highly inappropriate for our current potential young company to witness. “Are you seriously thanking me? I’m your husband. I’ll do anything I can to support you. Just like you’ll attend all my games, even if you have to take a break from getting a graduate degree and saving the world to be there.”
My laughter echoes off the linoleum floor and lockers. “I don’t know about saving the world. Changing it a bit, hopefully.”
Rob stops our forward movement again, grasping my hands in his. “You definitely changed my world. Right in this very spot, in fact.”
I glance around and realize he’s right. We’re standing at the same corner where we literally ran into each other…ten years ago. “I would say that was such a cliché meet-cute, but everything that’s transpired in the past decade kind of negates that idea. That, and you confessed you set it all up.”
“Ooh.” Rob winces, then pulls a folded piece of paper from his shorts pocket. “If you think coming back to the exact spot where this all began is a cliché set up, then you’re really not gonna like this.”
He hands me the note, then shuffles his feet a bit, looking every bit like the nervous boy from so long ago.
Suddenly, it hits me. “Oh, no. You’re not going to propose. Not again. We’ve already done this; I don’t need a redo!”
“What? No…” His cheeks flush a furious shade of red as embarrassment creeps into his expression. “Proposing here would be too easy. We’re Falls. We work for what we want.”
“Proposing isn’t necessary,” I remind him. “We’ve been married for over two years. Please tell me you haven’t forgotten. I have a tattoo if you need physical proof I’m your wife.”
He shakes his head, then drops a kiss onto my nose. “Still such a smartass. I put a lot of time and effort into this scavenger hunt, so as my wife…amuse me. I’ll see you in a bit.”
I follow him with my gaze as he strides down the hallway toward the athletic wing of the building. It’s strange to see him as a man walking through the same halls where I first fell in love with the brilliant, shy boy who eventually grew into quite simply, my everything.
The square of paper is neatly folded, but the inside isn’t a scavenger hunt at all.
Not only isn’t it an entire list of items to find or activities to complete, but it’s a cute little rhyming riddle.
He’s not romantic. Sure.
I roll my eyes even though he can’t see me.
You’re starting at the beginning
Of you and me.
So many things I did wrong and so
few right.
I should have asked you to be mine
From the first moment I saw you.
Instead, I put up a self-inflicted fight.
Go to the place
Where I watched you perform
From afar
Night after night.
That’s simple enough. All performing arts concerts were held in the Ironville High auditorium.
I push my way through the double doors, expecting a dark, empty space, but to my surprise, the performance lights are on. In the center of the stage sits a lone chair with a music stand beside it.
I climb the steps at the side of the stage, taking the bait.
A dozen yellow roses grace the chair, and there’s another note on the stand.
I almost laugh aloud, all alone in the empty room.
I would have bought yellow
Instead of red.
But I was too scared
To find out what secrets were in your head.
Lucky me, that chance fell into my lap
Even though you were convinced it was a trap.
Go to the classroom
Where you revealed more
If you want to know what other secrets
I have in store.
I’m not sure how I’m supposed to get into the biology classroom while it’s occupied with students, but no sooner do I turn down the appropriate hallway than I have my answer.
Mike’s leaning against the wall outside the door, a distinctly bored expression on his face.
He doesn’t look surprised to see me, so he’s obviously part of this game.
“Well?” I hold out my hand for another note.
“What? No ‘hello?’ No hug? Nothing?” His smile is good-natured. “I see where I rank now.”
Properly chastised, I give him the greeting he deserves after not having seen him since my visit to New York months ago to confess everything and beg for his forgiveness. “I’m sorry your playoff run got cut short. I really expected the Wolves to go all the way this year.”
Mike groans. “That’s what happens when your starting quarterback snaps his collarbone in the first round. We were doomed the second McGorski stepped in to replace him.”
And rookie quarterback, Leo McGorski, will be spending the spring looking for a new team who will invest the time to train him on how to lead during a playoff run. The poor guy was thrown into the deep end, then shown the door when he couldn’t handle the pressure.
Football can be such a thankless profession, sometimes.
I’d rather focus on that than on thinking about how my quarterback could be injured during any game.
Mike digs another folded square of paper out of his pocket. “I had this whole big speech planned about how you better make him work for it every day for the rest of his life, and how I’ll still beat his ass if you ever need me to, but I’m going to be late for my part of the mini-camp.”
“I see where I rank.”
He shakes his head, but plants a kiss on my cheek before handing me the note. “See you soon, little sister.”
That’s cryptic, but maybe he’s just speaking in generalities. I’m too anxious to read another note to give it much more thought.
I sat in a booth with you
Your first night there.
I wanted so badly to kiss you,
To touch your hair.
Instead you thought I was gay.
I learned a very important lesson that day.
(My friends are assholes.)
From that “not” date on,
My fate was sealed.
I sat in that booth as much as possible;
I was heeled.
Time after time,
You served me.
It was never enough
Interaction to quench my need.
Go to the place
Where my favorite waitress
Knew by heart my favorite meal
This is going to be a more involved scavenger hunt than I first thought.
Byers is waiting outside with a car, a sly grin on his face when I slide into the passenger seat. “I’ll be taking you everywhere you need to go.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “You already go everywhere I go.”
We knew it was a risk to return to our hometown, Jackson’s old haunt, with his whereabouts still unknown.
Rob and I made the joint decision to not let him dictate our actions, our life.
For now, our families still live here, and we aren’t going to miss out on seeing them because of someone who doesn’t deserve a second of our thoughts.
Byers was suspiciously on board with our resolve.
Now, I know why.
Rob has clearly been planning this for some time, and had help in doing so.
“Do you know where the Ironville Diner is?”
He laughs. “I have GPS pins for every stop we’re going to make.”
And he does.
At the diner, I find Margie, who squeezes the air out of me, and confesses she was always “Team Rob.” CJ has long since moved on, but my fond memories of our time spent joking around in the kitchen still make me smile. I really did love this job.
She hands me another note, and off I go.
To the bonfire fields, the chocolate factory, the coffee shop. Old friends who decided to put roots down in Ironville have more papers waiting for me at each stop.
Rob and I made memories in every part of this town, whether we were both aware of it at the time or not. His notes give me clues about all the places he tried so hard and failed to find the courage to ask me on even a simple date.
The little confessions both warm my heart and break it.
So much wasted time.
I remember feeling so grown up, so in charge of my life as a teenager. I had my own job, my own car which I paid for. Sure, I had to follow my mother’s rules and the restrictions at school, but I was convinced I had life all figured out.
As it turns out, my narrow mindset and ironclad plans for the future after graduation weren’t a life preserver. They were drowning me, keeping me tethered to safety, but barring me from finding my own courage.
To live life on my terms. To find and hold onto something worth fighting for. To truly be free.
In accordance with the riddle on the last note, Byers pulls to a stop in the Falls’ driveway. It still boggles my mind I have no recollection of the first time I stepped foot in this house. Years later, no memories of the days I lost have returned to me.
Patty steps onto the porch, wrapping me in a hug that feels almost as comforting as my own mother’s. “How are you feeling, honey?”
“Good.” I nod to sell it, but then give up the ruse. I don’t need to wear masks anymore. “He’s sent me on a wild goose chase today, though, and I’m getting really tired.”
“I’ll bet.” She laughs, and just still looks so…elegant.
Time and circumstance have not dulled this woman’s sparkle one bit. I only hope I can age as gracefully as Patty Falls.
No, not Falls. Nowak. Patricia Nowak.
She got the house in the divorce settlement. She also got her name back, and her freedom.
“So.” I raise my eyebrows in a way I wouldn’t with my own mother. There’s something special about my relationship with my mother-in-law. Friends, yes, but also more. “Has Dr. Lawson made any house calls, lately?”
Patty’s cheeks redden, just like her son when he’s embarrassed. Apparently, chameleon eyes aren’t the only thing he inherited from her. “No, of course not! This is my family home! I couldn’t…in the place where my son slept! No!”
I can’t help but laugh at her flustered response.
“Do you think he suspects?” she whispers, like Rob might be hiding around the corner to overhear us. “Has he let on at all that he knows?”
“I don’t think he’s figured it out.” I rack my brain for any sign over the past few weeks, but come up empty. “It’s getting harder to hide the longer this goes on, though.”
“I don’t doubt it. You have your work cut out for you.”
“As long as you keep up the distractions, we should be good to go until it’s time.”
Patty kisses me on the forehead. The gesture is more a blessing than it is a sign of affection. “That, I can absolutely help with. In the meantime, I’m supposed to lead you to the basement.”
We arrive at the intended destination, then she hands me another folded piece of paper.
A sad smile accompanies her words. “As a woman, I’m sorry you’ve forgotten this. As a mother, I don’t want to think about it too much. As your mother-in-law who loves her son more than life itself, I hope there are many more where this came from.”
She leaves me alone to read his words.
I know I’ve told you this tale
About what you forgot.
Despite that fact,
It wasn’t for naught.
You kissed me for the first time here,
In this very spot.
I’ll keep these memories for us both
And retell as often as I can quoth
(Is that even a word? I suck at this.)
I kept your trust
Through your slumber.
I knew even then
There would be no other.
From this night
You held my heart in your hand.
Now go to the place
Where I made my first stand.
This one takes me a little longer to puzzle out. After throwing up in the downstairs bathroom, then refueling on orange juice and crackers at Patty’s insistence, I remember another confession of Rob’s.
He switched our Calc notebooks on purpose.
We pull up to my house and another surprise is waiting for me. Tini’s car is in the driveway.
I bound up the steps and through the front door, not waiting for Byers to secure the perimeter or accompany me.
I will never allow myself to feel unsafe in my family home ever again.
It took me years to be completely relaxed in the kitchen where my father betrayed my love.
I don’t think I felt at ease in that room until Rob gave me a cupcake there. He renewed my hope before I even allowed myself to realize it.
Maybe that’s the next clue.
I don’t even know what’s waiting for me as a prize when I complete this scavenger hunt.
I’m having too much fun reliving our glory days and remembering everything that brought us to this point to stop.
Tini and Mama intercept me at the door. We group hug and squeal like a bunch of little girls.
Mama eyes me up and down, studying me in a way only a mother can. “Well? How’s my baby?”
I can’t hide the smile on my face, nor do I try. “Good. Everything’s good.”
“I wish I could say the same,” she whispers conspiratorially. “Your YiaYia is putting up one hell of a fight to stay.”
“She wants to be in this house with all her memories of Papou,” I guess. As much as I hate to pull her away from something I also hold dear, she needs constant care. She can’t be left here alone. “Another few weeks, and we can give her all the incentive she needs to come to Sacramento.”
“What about me? Mama found a job in California, but I’m going to be left all alone.” Tini puts on her best pouty face. “I can’t come to Sacramento. Why didn’t Rob sign somewhere on the East Coast?”
Because California still feels a world away from Jackson, even if we don’t know where he is. After weeks of deliberating our options, Rob and I decided to stay put. Besides, Sacramento is gorgeous. The weather reminds me of Crete, which reminds Rob of the naked beach story. It’s a win-win.
“Hey, if you can convince your man to move West, we have plenty of room.” That’s no joke. Six bedrooms, four baths, and a privacy fence surrounding our acre of land. It’s everything an already large and growing family needs.
Tini scrunches her nose. “Xander isn’t a fan of West Coast mentality. I don’t think I can swing it.”
And, I don’t think that relationship will last a year, but I zip my lips. Stranger things have happened. I’m living proof.
I said I’d never be a football wife again, and yet here I am.
“I’m supposed to give you this.” Tini holds out another folded piece of paper.
Greedy woman that I am, I block out my mother and sister’s continued conversation to read my husband’s words.
In this living room,
I did something very wrong.
I let you betray the feelings
You’d kept inside for so long.
I never interrupted,
Never said a word.
But, you gave me freedom that day
Like releasing from a cage, a bird.
You gave me something
I didn’t know I’d lacked.
You gave me hope.
Now, I want to give it back.
“I’m going to leave you with someone else for this next one.” Byers puts the car in park in the lot beside the football practice fields, back at Ironville High. “But, I won’t be far. You’ll be safe. I promise.”
Before I can argue, the passenger side door opens and Alex smiles down at me, holding out his hand. “May I escort you, Mrs. Falls?”
His formal address takes me aback, but maybe that’s just exhaustion and apprehension setting in.
I know where this clue leads.
Somewhere I haven’t been in years.
“You’ve got this, Evie,” Alex reassures. “I’ll be with you every step of the way. I won’t let go.”
In his words are a deeper vow. One I’ve tried so hard to ignore, but can no longer overlook.
It wouldn’t be fair to any of us.
“You’ll let me go when it’s time?”
“When it’s time,” he promises.
Giving him my hand and letting him pull me out of the car seems like a feat in and of itself.
Until I’m staring at the head of the trail I once loved so much, every muscle in my body trembling with fear.
Fear I want so badly to let go of.
“He’s waiting for you,” Alex whispers, his lips brushing against the shell of my ear. “This is your choice.”
I choose love.
Hope.
Promise.
Before I take that first step, I turn to the man beside me. “I love you. Not in the way you need, but in the only way I can.”
Please, let this be enough.
I’ve never felt like enough to anyone but him, so he deserves to hear this from my own lips.
“I know.” He smiles that old, mischievous grin at me. The one that lets me know he’ll be okay. “Why do you think I’m here? I was chosen for this particular job. And, I’ll do it again when it’s time. If you’ll have me.”
He’s giving me away.
A choked-off sob holds my voice hostage. I nod, instead.
We take the first step together, silent.
Another, and then another.
One foot at a time, one step closer to leaving the past behind for a better future.
My mouth runs away with me, my feet not enough movement to keep my anxiety at bay.
He takes all my secrets in stride, never reacting more or less than required for my incessant words.
Silence overtakes us again, by his lead. The tension in his muscles, the hesitance in his steps are the only clues I have to where we’re approaching.
I still don’t remember.
We could traverse this entire trail from head to end, and I wouldn’t know.
That thought is both a curse and a comfort.
A clearing comes into view around the next bend, but it’s not the landscape that catches my eye.
It’s the man waiting for me.
He’s never seemed so simultaneously larger than life yet small in the grand scheme of the world.
Judging from his posture, he’s been waiting a while, fighting his own demons of this place alone.
Still, he offers me a smile.
Such a simple gesture and yet holding the hope of everything I’ve ever wanted.
True to his promise, Alex doesn’t relinquish his hold on me, even when we’re standing in front of Rob.
The men who have supported me through thick and thin give me time to look around, collect my thoughts, bury or reveal my emotions at my discretion.
Not a word is spoken between us, but I’m vaguely aware they’re doing that silent conversation thing they always used to.
Maybe reliving memories with each other that they can’t share with me.
This looks like any other part of the trail.
Innocuous, beautiful, deceptively serene.
Bird calls slice through the quiet. Leaves in the treetops rustle in the light spring breeze, creating their own brand of music. The scent of damp earth laced with honeysuckle tickles my nose. After six years, it still looks the same and yet…remarkably different.
The forest is always changing and growing, after all.
Heedless of any act which might have taken place here, nature continues on its own immeasurable cycle through time.
I squeeze my eyes shut, wishing for the last time for even the barest brush of a memory.
Was I terrified? Angry?
I must have been surprised. He ambushed me, after all.
How much pain was I in? Did I even feel it?
They say endorphins allow the body to withstand horrific trauma when the fight or flight response is engaged.
I know from the depositions and Rob’s description that I chose to fight.
Wait. No. That’s wrong.
I never had a choice.
Fighting was my only option.
I open my eyes to find them watching me with guarded expressions. Mike has since appeared.
They surround me on all sides, boxing me in from the unknown, waiting on my word.
“My whole life changed in this spot, but I can’t remember it happening. There’s only a before…and an after.”
Their eyes hold understanding. This place marks a schism for them, too.
Their ability to recall every moment in stark detail makes no difference.
This small speck on the planet changed us all.
For better, for worse, forever.
Alex heaves a deep, crackling breath, heavy with a barely contained sob.
His emotion jars me, a shattered reflection of my own years of forcing myself to never associate what took place here with grief.
He leans in closer, holding me against his side, his words meant for me, alone. “I love you.”
He releases his hold.
As I look into his sharp blue eyes, I know it will be the only time he tells me.
The first, and the last.
And, it’s enough.
He nods—a single, decisive acceptance, then departs.
Mike wraps me in his strong arms next, pulling me against his chest in comfort older and stronger than his memories of this place. “We were family before this; we were after; we will be forever. Not by blood. By choice. Thank you for teaching me it’s okay to fall, to love someone else enough to let them stumble. Thank you for showing me how to not settle for average.”
We’ve already had this discussion, but hearing him say it so succinctly, with so much conviction gives me the sense we’ve finally thrown off our shared past. We’re done living in shadows, repeating the cycle of abuse, even if unintentionally.
“You’re welcome,” I whisper back. “Thank you for teaching me leaning on someone else isn’t a sign of weakness, but one of strength.”
“I will always be here for you to lean on.” He kisses my forehead, then leaves Rob and I alone.
The sound of retreating footsteps disappears. In the distance, Mike and Alex’s laughter signals a change on the wind.
Rob continues to study me, his expression unreadable. “You’re right about a before and an after. Originally, I planned on having you go on to the State campus, collecting clues and more notes there. And then New York, and then Sacramento. Because even the time we were apart means something. Then, I realized everything after this point didn’t really matter because this is where it all changed, just like you said.”
He holds out his hand, offering me a choice, even now.
I accept with a firm grip.
I’m never going to let go.
I pull him to me. He comes easily. We wrap around each other, tangling tighter than the creeping vines working their way up the tree trunks surrounding us.
Rob brushes his lips across my face, my neck, pulls my hands to his mouth and does the same. He’s not kissing, more like feeling me with one of the most sensitive parts of himself. “I spent too many years thinking of this place as damned. But, it really isn’t. It’s beautiful.”
We glance around us at the lush green foliage, the rocky, grown-over trail. A chipmunk darts out, then back into the underbrush. All around us life blossoms.
“We were married here, even though neither of us realized it. I certainly didn’t.” He lets out a breath. It’s the music of release, the resolving of so many chords coming together to form something greater. “One night, I was watching you sleep in our bed at home. I’d had a nightmare about that day, but somehow managed not to wake you up. You never flinched when I touched you. Breathed a sigh of contentment when I kissed you. And that’s when it hit me.”
I lift my gaze to his, but he’s still looking all around us in wonder. “What did?”
He pins me with his chameleon eyes I fell in love with at first sight, even if I refused to admit that to myself. “What happened here changed us, yes. But, it also cemented us. Until the split second I thought you’d been ripped from me, I took you for granted. All the notes I gave you today prove that. I always thought there would be another time, another place, another chance. I was stuck in a vicious cycle of waiting for everything to fall into place, to be perfect enough. Even when you were with Eddie, I bided my time, waiting it out. After what happened here, though…”
He fixes his gaze on a path I can’t possibly follow.
While he’s no longer afraid to share them with me, his memories of this place will always be his and his alone.
We may be a united team, but we’re still individual players.
Rob refocuses his attention on me. “Even when I thought I could bring you nothing but pain, I was acutely aware you were an irrevocable part of my life from that day forward. Jackson showed me you were irreplaceable.” A wry smile twists his lips. “And then you proved it time and time again. You made me prove it to myself.”
I flinch at his innuendo. He’s always given me a choice, and yet I forced him to do something he never wanted.
“Don’t second guess it ever again, Evie.” He caresses my lips with his own. “I don’t regret a second of it. Not anymore. Everything we’ve been through has brought us to this moment. Force isn’t always a bad thing. Every ounce of pain forced us to choose.”
My eyes fill with tears I don’t try to hold back.
This man has been my greatest teacher in so many ways I never appreciated until now.
I’m still learning new things.
Rob drops to one knee and produces a black, velvet box from his pocket. He flips open the lid. Nestled inside is an antique ring…with a blue stone that matches the shade of my eyes.
“I will choose you every day for the rest of my life. Not out of obligation, or a sense of duty, or even because I love you more than life itself. I will choose you because I want to. I know you said you didn’t need another proposal because we’re already married. So, I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m asking you to choose me. Again, and again, and again. Say yes, every day. Marry me, every day. Be my wife, every day.”
Love so sharp it borders on pain rushes through me. This all-encompassing feeling is nothing I could have ever imagined in my youth. It’s more than a crush, tastes sweeter than lust, produces more bliss than sex ever could.
I drop to the ground with him.
Equals. Always.
“Yes,” I choke out. “Every day. Until the end.”
I love him too much to make promises we can’t keep.
He slides the ring on my finger, then wraps me in his arms, his lips tickling mine as he speaks.
“Never the end. Always a new beginning.”