Conner

 

“Did you see Gunny broke his back? That means you’ll be going up against—”

“Why was Willow here the other night?” I asked Steele, coming to a halt in front of his desk.

He looked up, surprised at first, but then his eyes softened, and his dimples appeared in a shit-eating grin. I’d been found out, and fuck if I cared. “Why, Payne? Why on Earth would you be asking questions about Willow?”

“Stop being a dick. Why was she here?” I was losing patience with his stupid game.

“Easy there, buddy.” He laughed.

I wanted to throttle him for laughing at me. He knew me well enough to know I wasn’t one to mess around. If I was asking him a question, it was because I wanted the answer. I took a moment to compose myself. Exhaling, I asked again. “Why are you teaching her to defend herself?”

“I honestly don’t know.” He laid some paperwork to the side and leaned forward, gearing up for our conversation.

“Is she in danger?”

“Why don’t you ask her?” a soft voice said from behind me.

I blinked and turned to find Willow standing in the doorway of Steele’s office. “Okay,” I agreed. “Why are you taking self-defense classes?”

She looked behind her, making sure there was no one in the hallway, then shut the office door and strolled into the office like a breath of fresh air. I tried not to dive head first into her deep blue gaze, like a twelve-year-old boy cliff diving for the first time.

She made her way to stand directly in front of me, still a head shorter in her four-inch cherry red heels. “I wanted to learn a few tactics, in case I ever needed them.”

“Why would you need them?” I asked, barely noticing that Steele had stood and rounded his desk.

“I . . .” She blew out a puff of air that caused her bangs to flutter. “My boss is going through some stuff. He’s all over the place, and he snapped at me the other day.”

I was not expecting her to say that. I thought maybe she had a stalker, or a neighbor who was peering too long when she mowed her lawn. “Quit.”

“I can’t.” She crossed her arms.

“Why?” I realized I was probably being a little demanding, and got confirmation when she pursed her lips.

“I’m working on other arrangements, but for right now, it is what it is.”

“Bullshit. You can’t go to work every day with a fucker you’re scared of. That’s stupid. Why would you put yourself in that position?”

She took a step toward me, not scared in the least. It made me wonder for a split second if she truly needed the lessons in the first place.

“I don’t know who you think you are, but I’m not stupid. In fact, I count myself as an intelligent woman, and for someone, anyone, to suggest differently…well, let’s just say, you may be the very first person who benefits from my classes.”

“I didn’t say you were stupid.” I rolled my eyes at her putting words in my mouth. “I said staying where you don’t feel safe is stupid.”

Seconds ticked on as she looked like she might explode. I waited her out. I wanted to hear her reply.

“I hate to interrupt whatever this is, but you guys are making me uncomfortable.” Steele made his way between us, putting an arm on each of our shoulders. “And Steele doesn’t want to be uncomfortable in his own office, capeesh?”

Willow burst into laughter, and my muscles relaxed. Everything faded into the background as I watched joy take over her face. A part of me realized how dangerous she could be; the rest of me felt like a teenager again.

“Payne? Don’t you have something to say to Willow?” Steele tried to lead me. But I didn’t want to follow. I wasn’t apologizing to her; I’d done nothing wrong.

Crossing my arms, I grunted. “I don’t.”

Steele grimaced. “What he means is, he’s sorry he upset you. He knows not what he does.”

“He doesn’t look sorry.”

“I’m not. I stand by what I said.”

Her posture shrank. The fire in her eyes extinguished. “I’m not stupid.”

Seeing that look on her face made me want to get down on my knees and grovel—beg her to forgive me. But I didn’t. I didn’t know what I could say. I’d rather have had the fire, knowing she was pissed, than the dull look she had now.

“If that’s what you got out of our conversation, I guess there’s nothing left to say.” I nodded in her direction and left the room.

The farther I got away from the room, the heavier my chest became. I walked the length of the hallway to the front exit of the gym, and genuine regret swallowed me whole. I hated that I’d snuffed the light out of her eyes. I thought I’d seen every color of blue imaginable, but I hadn’t. Wounded blue may have been the most heartbreaking thing I’d ever seen, and I knew, in that moment, I never wanted to see it again.

 

***

 

Since my opponent had been injured, I hadn’t had to fight for a couple of weeks. I’d been able to lick my wounds in private for the most part. I’d only gone to the gym in the middle of the night so that I wouldn’t see anyone. Steele understood. He could see that I was playing it cool with Willow, because I wasn’t sure if I wanted to pursue a relationship with her. He asked about it once. I told him it was none of his business. He nodded and walked away. I hadn’t missed the smile that spread across his face as he did though.

I searched the parking garage for a spot large enough for my truck. There weren’t many. I ended up on a level lower than Willow’s office. I hadn’t planned on stopping by her work, but with each day that passed, I found myself feeling worse about the way I’d left things with her.

I took the stairs up to her office, and met a perky blonde at reception. “Hey. Um, I’m here to see Willow Stevens.”

“Is she expecting you?” The headset she wore confused me. She was speaking to me, but looked as if she was listening to whoever was speaking to her through the wireless speakers.

“Yes, ma’am,” I lied. She looked busy. Maybe she’d just wave me through.

“Second door on your left.” She smiled, then continued with the customer on the phone. “I understand ma’am, but if you haven’t paid for your subscription in two months, you can’t expect to get a paper.”

I’d never been in a professional building before. The interior was new, skillfully designed by the looks of it, and smelled like peppermint. She had a nameplate to the left of the door. Fancy.

“Andy, please,” Willow’s muffled voice could be heard through the door. There was an odd, overly soothing tone to it. I didn’t like it at all.

I slipped my hand in my pocket, wondering if I should just leave. But my curiosity won out and I glanced around to make sure no one was in the hallway.

“I don’t—”

“Stop jerking me around, Willow,” a male voice interrupted.

My whole body tensed as the sound of bodies moving and papers scattering filled the silence. The hand in my pocket balled into a fist.

“Listen to me. I know you’re using. I see it. Everybody sees it.” Her voice lowered. My curiosity surged. I opened the door, not caring that I was interrupting.

“You don’t know shit.” Andy stood, and walked out, pushing past me in the doorway. My insides lurched at the thought of stopping him. I almost blocked his path, but Willow remained silent, so I let him pass.

“What’s going on?” I asked, keeping my distance.

“Nothing.”

“Seriously, that’s what you’re going with?” I stared her down, not allowing any wiggle room for her to deceive me.

She huffed out a breath, and crossed her arms. “It’s a long story.”

“I got time.” I shrugged.

“And this is why you just happened to stop by my office out of the blue…to listen to my story?” she pressed.

“Nah, I came here to apologize for being a prick the other day.”

She stared at me and chewed the inside of her cheek, before a grin spread across her face. “You interested in some coffee?”

“Sure,” I lied. Not coffee, just you.

I followed at a snail’s pace behind Willow as she drove the whole way to her house under the speed limit. I had offered to drive, but she’d declined. I couldn’t be sure why, but I was fairly certain her rejection hadn’t been because she didn’t want to spend time with me—considering she’d invited me to her home.

Pulling into her drive, I took a moment in the cab of my truck to push my worries back. The last thing I wanted to convey to her was fear. Not after she’d just been so strong in dealing with a junkie. I tucked my keys into my back pocket and met her in the garage.

“Just let me change right quick. I’ll start the coffee first,” she said as she unlocked the door, and clicked the garage opener, causing daylight to be closed off as the large door shut.

I took a seat in her living room, while different scenarios ran through my mind. The longer she took to change clothes, the crazier my ideas got. I wanted to know who the guy was, and why she had problems with him. Had they dated in the past? Why would he argue like that with an employee? What kind of dope was he on?

Willow shuffled into the living room, wearing black yoga pants, an oversized sweatshirt, and light purple house shoes. She looked beautiful. Her hair was twisted up into a messy looking bun, pieces of it falling around her face. I inhaled deep as she took a seat next to me on the sofa.

I looked around for the first time. Her house was eclectic. Her furniture sat catty-corner in the small living room, but the bursts of color from the picture frames and throw pillows were comforting somehow. There were minute details all over her home, telling me she’d spent time on decorating the space. She was good at it too.

She tucked a teal-colored pillow under both arms, while pulling both legs underneath her to get more comfortable.

“What’s he on?” I asked.

“I’m not sure.” She shrugged. “I think meth. Maybe coke.”

“He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No. It’s been mostly verbal stuff,” she said.

I leaned forward and placed my elbows on my knees, knowing she might not like what I was about to suggest. “You need to type up a resignation letter.”

“I’m not quitting. He can!” She sat straight up, as if she’d caught a second wind. Her anger surprised me. I figured the last place she’d want to be was stuck in an office, confronting old memories.

“Willow . . .” I wasn’t sure what to say. I closed my mouth, then opened it again, and still, nothing came out. I wrestled with my thoughts as we stared at each other in silence. “You have to find another job. If you want to go to the police, I’ll take you myself, but please don’t go back around that psycho.”

She studied me cautiously. I’d never been one to shy away from a challenge, but as I sat there, next to the woman I’d considered letting get to know the real me, I was petrified. I’d been able to handle whatever life had thrown at me, in whatever form, but being rejected by her wasn’t something I wanted to feel. It wasn’t that I thought she’d judge me, so much as she wouldn’t want to take a chance on me.

“I’ll think about it,” she finally replied. Then she added, “This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with a junkie, you know.”

I swallowed, hating hearing her words. She was too pure. Too beautiful and smart to have been subjected to something so ugly. “Who?”

“When I was younger, I may have been a little rebellious.” She looked up at me and continued. “My first love—or what I thought was love—was reckless and wayward. He was selfish, and never thought beyond where the next party was.”

I nodded, bashing myself on the inside, because honestly, it sounded like she was describing me. And I didn’t want to be anything like the person who’d hurt her.

“I guess, I just didn’t really know who I was, or who I wanted to be at the time, so every time he’d tell me how special I was, or how much he loved me, I would just chalk his addiction up to us being young. At first, anyhow. I think, looking back on it, that he was abusive. Not physically, but emotionally. It got to a point where I didn’t care about myself.”

She hugged her middle and shivered, like she was dead-center in the middle of a horrible memory. “For the longest time, I tried to help him. But over time, I just gave up. I gave up on him. I gave up on me. I just sort of threw my hands in the air. My memories from that time in my life feel as if I’d been buried alive. Almost suffocating.”

I shook my head, knowing all too well what she was saying. Knowing how, even though no one ever wants to think about giving up, sometimes there doesn’t seem to be much to live for.

“Long story short; I caught him cheating. Walked in right in the middle of it and swallowed the first pile of pills I found.”

My gut clenched. I couldn’t picture her, this beautiful creature sitting in front of me, being so low. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that she had not only taken drugs, but that she tried to kill herself.

“Say something. Your silence is deafening.” She wiped a lone tear away from the corner of her eye.

“I hate that you did that. I hate that a man treated you like that. And I really fucking hate that I can relate to it in any way.”

“You can?” she asked.

I nodded. “I can. Not with the dude part though.” She giggled. “But being so low. Not knowing what to do. Partying, like life doesn’t matter.” I pushed my fingers through my hair.

“I just wanted you to know. I’m not sure what’s going on here,” she pointed from her chest to mine, “but I figured being honest was the way to go.”

Honesty. I currently hated that word. It might have been just one word, but it was so hefty that it could shake the entire foundation in which she and I were currently working on building. I glanced up at her, knowing I needed to tell her, but still not wanting to.

“Just say it, Conner. You won’t scare me away, I promise.”

“I’m an alcoholic.”

Her eyes narrowed for a split second. Our gazes never wavered. Neither of us blinked, waiting to see what the other was going to do. I was waiting for her to kick me out. She was waiting on me to elaborate. She won.

“I started drinking as a teen. Mostly for fun, other times it was out of sheer boredom. Either way, I didn’t have some awful upbringing, where my family was so bad, I was driven to the point of escape. Then, there was like, years that went by, you know?” I rubbed my hands together, more from nerves than anything else. “I just lost control of it. I gave in to it a little bit each day, and it snowballed.”

“I know you’re not drunk now. So, you changed it. You found that courage somewhere, and changed your life. Look at what you’re doing now with fighting.”

Her attempt at encouragement fell on deaf ears. I didn’t change anything. I got locked up and dried out over a nine-year sentence. “I wish I could tell you it happened that way.”

“How did it happen?”

“You first.” I knew I had to tell her. I knew there was something between us; something that could last for a long time. And lying to her, or trying to hide who I really was, would only make the relationship last until she found out the truth for herself.

She licked her lips, picked at her nails, and blew her bangs out of her face, before leaning back. “I almost died. I overdosed that night. The night I took all those pills. I found out later, while I was in the hospital, that it was OxyContin.” Her eyes shown brighter. “You know that feeling you get when you realize that everything has a purpose? Like when it finally dawns on you that you’re here on Earth for a reason? A productive reason. And you feel like you’ve wasted so much time on people who don’t matter.”

She scooted closer to me, drawing her knees underneath her ass to sit on her legs. “Well, I found that peace the day I woke up in the hospital. I knew I had to change; that I was worth the change. I could be who I wanted to be, if only I’d grasp the reins of my life.”

I grabbed her hand without a second thought. We both stared, silently watching as our hands intertwined. We could feel it, our souls being woven together, showing the other who we truly were—who we’d once been.

“I’ve made so many mistakes, Willow. So damn many. And I can attribute alcohol to nearly all of them. I’ve struggled. I’ve…altered other people’s lives because of my choices. But, right now, sitting here with you, wanting nothing more than to kiss your lips . . .” I lifted my free hand and grazed her plump bottom lip with my thumb. “I feel like none of that matters.”

She leaned in, giving me the go ahead. I brought her mouth to mine, brushing my lips gently across hers. Her hair grazed my jaw, only making me more crazed. I turned my head, so I could deepen the kiss. Stealing every breath I could, I placed both hands under her arms and moved her until she was straddling my lap, never once breaking our kiss.

Like two teenagers, we threw everything into the kiss, tilting our heads every few moments to match the other. My mind was blank. Negativity ceased to exist when I had Willow in my arms. Insecurity fell to the wayside; my only concern involved being in the moment with her.

My hands wanted to roam. My pelvis wanted to push into her heat to create friction.

The doorbell rang, and she ran her tongue along mine one more time before pulling back and looking at the door.

I groaned in frustration. “Expecting someone?”

Willow shook her head and shrugged, making her way to the door. When she opened it, there was a mailman standing there, holding a box. The fucking mailman interrupted me from sucking on her lips. What in the hell could have been so important that he couldn’t have just left the package at the door?

I closed my eyes and breathed in deep, attempting to calm my body down, while Willow stood at the door, carrying on a full-blown conversation with her mailman about the new neighbor. She probably seemed normal to him, but I knew she was speaking to him with pink in her cheeks…because I’d put it there. I knew her sweatshirt was wrinkled because we’d just been body to body on her couch. I continued to watch them in silence—a grin on my face. In fact, I was still grinning when she closed the door and sat the package in an arm chair.

She crossed the living room floor, with a seductive upturn to her lips.

It was at that very moment, dread filled my gut. I’d never not wanted to talk to someone so bad in all my life, but I knew, if I had any chance with Willow Stevens, it was now or never. I couldn’t let things go any further until I spilled the beans.

Just as she was about to sit back down on my lap, I stood and paced the length of the living room like a dog in a cage. I counted to fifty before I spoke. “I have something else to tell you.”