Conner

 

Richard called me not long after the first fight in New York. I hadn’t had a chance to speak with him after the fight because of the incident with Willow. He congratulated me, and told me he saw a bright future with the league.

I talked to Steele about what that meant. I only admitted it to him, but I wasn’t sure how far I wanted to take my career in fighting. It hadn’t even been an option a year ago, and now I was approaching a six-figure deal for using my fists. Considering all that had happened in my life since I began my journey with the AFL, I wasn’t sure it was worth it. Hell, I didn’t know much of anything, other than I wanted Willow. I needed her.

“I know you don’t want to talk about it.” Willow stood to the right of her car, arms crossed. “But I feel like something is bothering you.”

Rolling out from under her car, I looked up at her, flat on my back.

She’d sworn something was rattling underneath her vehicle, but everything seemed intact. Of course, me telling her that it hadn’t made a noise when I drove it, only pissed her off. It was the truth, but I wanted her safe no matter what, so checking everything I knew to check was a must.

“I’m cool, babe.” Grabbing my flashlight, I intended on rolling back under, when she stepped between me and the car. Looking up at her, I smiled. “I can’t find the problem if you don’t let me look. Or, if you want, you can strip for me, and we can make one of my fantasies a reality.”

“Maybe some other time.” She plopped her ass on my abdomen, and placed her hands on my chest. I grunted at the loss of air. “You don’t talk about your training. And you haven’t said one word about the whole Mikey situation. The space between us is growing, Conner, and I’m afraid you’re going to . . .”

“You’re afraid I’m going to what?” I didn’t like where the conversation was going. Frustration grew deep in my gut. She’d been the one who had wanted space. All I’d done was give it to her.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “Grow tired of me? Pick up and leave behind the opportunity you have with the AFL?” She leaned back, and a small patch of skin showed between her T-shirt and cotton shorts. “I’m sorry, but I do think about you being tempted to drink. I know that pisses you off when I say that, but you’re worrying me,” she said, reeling me back into the conversation I didn’t want to have. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, and it scares me.”

I grabbed her backside, then lifted her above my head and to her feet. She stayed silent, yet grabbed my hands and helped me up. I paced back and forth in the small garage. My thoughts were not becoming any clearer, but it was helping my urge to walk away. I gathered myself as best I could. Her doubting me while I doubted myself hurt, and I didn’t know why. Everything she’d said had been true. Her calling me out on it wasn’t unreasonable, but I was used to working things out on my own. Answering to someone else about my feelings and why I felt them was foreign to me.

I blew out a frustrated breath and turned to face her. She still stood in the same spot I’d left her looking miserable. I hated that I made her sad. It only added to my emotional insecurities.

“Look, you’re the one who wanted space,” I said. “I was simply giving that to you the best way I knew how. I’m sorry if you took that as me ignoring you.”

“I know I said that, but I never wanted to push you away.” She shook her head. “I only wanted to figure out what I was feeling in my mind. Everything happened so fast, you know? It was overwhelming, and I just wanted to work it all out.”

I pushed my hands through my hair, then remembered they were dirty. I grabbed a towel off my work bench to clean them. “I get that, but telling me you don’t want to be with me pretty much killed me. I mean, if you don’t want to be here, what are we doing?”

“Conner, I do want to be here. That’s not the same thing as wanting space to be able to think clearly. I love you.”

“And I love you, Willow. I want to show you that. I want to tell you that. I want you to know how much I love you; so much so, that when you go to bed without me at night, I can’t sleep because not only is my body aching for you, my soul is too. That’s how I feel about you. I physically feel numb when I’m not with you. Like my body doesn’t work right, unless you’re beside me. Like my heart isn’t pumping correctly unless it’s in sync with yours.”

“I feel the same. I never want to be without you. I just…feel like something is wrong. Like you’re doubting us, or maybe yourself? Whatever it is, it’s worrying me.” She leaned against the workbench.

God, I hated that she felt that way. Admitting what a failure I’d been made me feel queasy. I wanted her to know the things I was experiencing; I just didn’t want to say them out loud.

“Please talk to me.” Her hands were folded in front of her.

I wiped my hands on my jeans once more, and walked over to her. I reached for her and she didn’t resist. “I don’t like not knowing why Mikey tried to hurt you.” I squeezed her hands once. “I sit here day in and day out, wondering if I’m losing what makes me strong. I know you doubt me sometimes, but Willow—” I brought both her hands to my face, guiding them from my ears to my lips. I wanted her to feel my words as I spoke them. “I know I messed up in Vegas. I know I’m the reason for you almost being injured in New York. I know I hurt you, and I know that is hard for you to forget.”

I pulled her along with me, as I backed up and took a seat on a stool. Placing my hands on her hips, I turned her around and sat her in my lap. I spoke into her shoulder as I admitted what had taken over my thoughts—to the point I couldn’t sleep—since it had happened. “The truth is, I feel guilty. Everything negative that has happened to you has been because of me. I’ve hurt you, and I’ve put you in danger, even though I had no knowledge of it.”

She tilted her head to the side, then rubbed my jaw with her forehead. Hot breaths tickled my cheek as she kissed her way to my ear. I squeezed her middle and kept my arms wrapped firmly around her, caging her in, keeping her firmly planted on my lap.

“I want you to understand that, even though things aren’t perfect right now, I will fight for us with everything I have. I will never give up on us. I promise.” I grabbed her pinky, and linked it with mine. “There is nothing that will ever come between us again. Not my thoughts, not an ex, and not my drinking.” I kissed her thumb, solidifying my word.

She rose and turned around, facing me. Placing one leg on each side of mine, she spread her legs wide, pushing herself up into my lap. She wrapped her legs around me, locking her ankles around my waist, inching her ass closer, until she’d closed the gap between our bodies. My body roused, coming to life as her ass sunk lower, giving me all her weight. I closed my eyes at the feel of her. I’d never wanted to kiss her so bad.

Neither of us spoke as she wrapped her arms around my neck, using the leverage to inch closer. So close, I could feel every inch of her through her flimsy shorts. My body burned with desire. Grabbing two handfuls of her ass, I started a slow, methodical rock, sliding across her heated core.

“Don’t ever feel guilty for something you have no control over. Mikey did what he did,” she said, continuing to follow my lead. “He’s in jail now, and once his trial is over, he’ll be back in prison.” She brought her lips to my jaw, barely skimming across my skin. Her warm breath caressed my cheek light as a feather. “I believe you when you tell me you won’t drink anymore, it’s just that—” Her back arched in my arms, her face almost even with my own. “I know what it’s like. Craving something. I know what it’s like, chasing that first high. It’s always in the back of your mind, taunting you—teasing you. The moment something doesn’t go right, it’s right there, begging you to come back, so you can at least forget for a little while.”

I gritted my teeth at the friction we were creating, and blew out a heavy breath. “It won’t. I won’t let it.”

“It will. It always does. I still think about it, Conner.” She groaned and moved her hips in circles over my erection.

I tugged on her hair with one hand, pulling her head back, while the other slid down the back of her shorts, grabbing on to her ass cheek. “The reason either of us did what we did, I’ll never fully understand. But I do know I never had you in the equation. I’ve done the math. Adding alcohol in only subtracts you.” I nipped at her chin. “In my mind, no matter what kind of high I gain, in the end, I will lose you. And I’m not willing to let that happen. Ever.”

I looked up just in time to catch the first tear spill from the corner of her eye, disappearing into her hair. It broke me and gave me peace at the same time. I let go of her hair and her face was level with mine. I ran the pad of my thumb over her cheek as a second tear fell.

“You made me cry.” She wrapped her arms around my neck. “I hate you.”

I wanted to lick every last tear track on her cheeks. I wanted them to disappear. I wanted them to have never been there in the first place.

“You love me, baby. And I love you.” I kissed her neck. Once, twice, three times, while she ran her fingers through my hair.

Leaning into her body, I pushed us up from the stool, and gently carried her over and set her down on the tool bench. It didn’t occur to me to go slow. Getting inside the woman I loved was the only thought I had. That, and knowing that no matter what happened next week—or next year, or five years from now—I was never letting her go.

She pulled her T-shirt and sports bra off in one swift movement. Then leaned from side to side as I helped her out of her cotton shorts and panties. She sat completely naked in front of me, spread wide. No lingerie, no makeup, and her hair was a mess, but she had never looked more beautiful to me.

Her hands moved quickly, discarding my T-shirt. Then her feet followed suit, pushing my shorts down my hips. In one swift movement, she scooted to the end of the bench and leaned back, wrapping her legs around my hips. Grabbing hold of myself, I guided my way inside, finding heaven on Earth. I could have wept at how good she felt. Her hips synced with mine; the transition so smooth, it was like she was made specifically for me.

Her sighs and moans drove me half mad. I went from thoroughly enjoying myself, to not caring if I ever got off again, as long as she did. I leaned into her, wrapping my arms around her back. Taking her breast into my mouth, I sucked hard, causing her nipple to pucker. I licked around the areola, making her moan again as I continued to plunge harder each time.

I looked up at her, and fell in love all over again. Her eyes were closed tight, as if she was experiencing so much pleasure, it was borderline pain. Her lips parted, and she let out shallow breaths, letting me know she was chasing her release. There was something about being present in that moment with her, watching her ride her own wave of ecstasy that had my insides twisting in so many knots, I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to untangle them.

I brought my palms to either side of her face. My torso wasn’t touching hers, but I wanted it like that. I wanted to watch her. She pulled, pushed, and tugged on my wrists, bringing her hips up to meet mine in what seemed like a million miles a second. In the past, I tried a total of two times to not come before my partner. Neither of those times worked. But this…this was something different. My body knew automatically that it was giving, and wouldn’t be receiving until Willow was limp in my arms.

“I love you.” I hadn’t wanted to interfere with her blissful state, but I couldn’t help it. I needed her to know that I would die for her. I would work three jobs for her if it meant keeping a roof over her head. She had to realize that I understood what my past addiction would cost me if it raised its ugly head again, and from this point forward, I would never risk what I had with her for something as paltry as a drink.

When her breathing evened out, I focused on where our bodies met, watching as I pushed in and out, as deep as I could go, until I grunted out my own release.

Feeling a hundred pounds heavier, I limply fell atop her sweaty skin, still joined.

She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed, clearly having more energy than I had. “I love you, Conner. More than anything.”

I rubbed her back, letting her words wash over me, comforting me after I’d laid my whole heart on the table for her, bare. Every scar, every fear, every inconsistent beat, she’d seen. I closed my eyes, praying she’d still want it in the morning, after she had time to think about all I’d shown her. My scars told the story, and unfortunately, it was a messy one.