Chapter 14
The rest of the world certainly did not exist once they were in Lucas’s hotel room. His bodyguard stayed well out of their way, giving his employer and the girlfriend plenty of privacy to explore the meaning of a world without traumatic chaos.
Sarah almost detested how safe she felt in his arms. Whether her cheek was pressed against his naked skin or her hands splayed across his chest, ah… she definitely hated how foreign of a feeling this was. She had felt plenty comfortable with other lovers before. Many wonderful one-night stands had made sure her safety and consent were top priority, but this? This was a different kind of safety. This was the assurance that the evils of the world could not touch her as long as they were together. If his sweat touched her tongue and his fingers touched her inner walls, not a damn thing could touch them. That was the law. The rule. The promise made between them and the universe.
She didn’t want to let go.
They made love. Genuine, passionate love unlike Sarah had allowed herself to experience before. She had slow and sensual sex before. Men had made her feel more than special in bed. But this was her first time embracing the emotional side of sex and how it could bring two people together. Of course, she denied it at first. When something as strange as that attempts to take hold of a woman, she’s inclined to dismiss it. Where was it the first hundred times she had sex? Where was it when a baby came to her? Where was it when she grieved? Became a woman? Lost the innocence she never knew she had?
This was the kind of thing that only existed in fiction. Those fantastical romance novels that Sarah never gave the time of day because they weren’t realistic enough. How could that be possible? Sex was sex. Sometimes you found someone good enough at sex to fall in love with them. Or at least what someone thought was love.
The way Lucas caressed her, kissed her, brought parts of her to life she never knew were dormant… that was the practice of a skilled lover, right? It didn’t say anything about the feeling enveloping Sarah every time he purred against her warm skin or tenderly thrust into her. And she definitely didn’t feel anything when they rolled over and she straddled him for the next five minutes, her hands bracing against the breadth of his chest and her energy allowing her to escape the whole damn planet and go wherever the hell it wanted. His grip on her hips and ass kept her steady as she threw her head back and pretended this was how it had always been. That she had only known the loving touch of a man, instead of whatever emotionless hole she usually found herself in.
Did she come? Was climax a simple trick of the mind, anyway? If she climaxed during regular sex, was it the same as having an orgasm with a man who made her feel safe to express this side of herself? Even if he was barely a known entity in her life?
Before, she had hunted for sex with whatever half-decent man would have her in a bid to reclaim her control, to claim in the first place that she was empowered. But it wasn’t until that night, when she rode Lucas Blackbourne like a woman taming her first stallion, that she understood what she meant by searching for empowerment.
She didn’t care that he toppled her over when her orgasm finally abated. She was happy to have him on top of her again, nuzzling the crook of her neck and leaving lingering kisses on her lips. Lucas entered her with only half the usual confidence, even though he was so hard Sarah almost worried he would finish within two seconds.
“Has it ever felt like this for you before?”
Sarah opened her eyes. The room was dark, save for the city lights glowing outside the uncovered windows. Even so, she had a clear view of Lucas’s face, his neck, his torso as all three hovered over her.
“Felt like what?”
“Like this.”
She closed her eyes again, head sinking deeply into the hotel pillow. “No. Never.”
“Is that good? I mean, is it good that it feels like this finally?”
“Shut up. Take me.”
He kissed her so hard she lost the ability to breathe.
“What do you want, Angel?”
She said the first thing to pop into her addled mind. “Say my real name.”
“Sarah.”
He pinned her hands above her head and lost himself in her after that. Sarah anticipated his climax to the point she almost begged him to finally give her what she wanted. What was left between them? While she understood his apprehensions now – he was already roped into one surprise child by a woman who intentionally got pregnant – there was no reason for them with her. For the first time in over a year, Sarah was at peace with having sex for the sake of it, not as a thrill, and certainly not as a way to play God with her life.
And for the first time, she was not annoyed when he pulled out and spent himself between her thighs. Sarah kissed his cheek at the first sign of his eyes glazing over and his lips mouthing the words I’m coming.
Later, when she made the decision to spend the night and travel back home with him in the morning, Sarah curled up next to him and promptly forgot that the rest of the world existed.
“I like you,” Lucas said, his hand entwined with hers beneath the covers. Sarah lightly played with his chest hairs and considered stroking his cock back to life. Anything to keep him from talking during a nice moment like this. “I mean it. Maybe the best thing that could have happened to me in this country was you waltzing up to me in that ridiculous wig in a sex club.”
“So what are you saying?”
“What do you think I’m saying?”
She sighed against his chest. “I’d rather you come out and say it.”
He unhooked his hand from her hers and wrapped his arm around her clinging body. “Maybe there’s something here?”
“Just ask me to be your girlfriend.”
Lucas squeezed her until she whimpered. Sometimes the man didn’t understand the full extent of his strength. “It’s not that simple, is it?”
“No. Because you’re going through shit and so am I.” Sarah repositioned herself until her head rested on his shoulder and they both stared up at the ceiling. “Plus I’m not keen on my boss knowing. He might throw a fit behind the scenes.”
“At me, you mean.”
“He’s afraid to say anything to me. Whether because he pities me or because his wife has already chewed him out regarding me… don’t really care. It’s kinda funny.”
“Point taken. I wouldn’t want to make work any more uncomfortable for you.”
“Says the man who kept sending me flowers and flirting with me on my phone.”
“I can dial it back if you like.”
“What’s the fun in that?”
“Sending flowers is a bit suspicious.”
“Now you’re making me think this is going to be a clandestine affair.”
“I’ll have to tell someone. It’ll be hard enough as it is not telling Damon until I have a better idea of where we’re going.”
Sarah blew out a large breath. “I have to tell my brother.”
“Maybe I should officially meet him. Outside of awkward café run-ins, that is.”
“You could. He might be at our apartment tomorrow when you drop me off.”
“Drop you off? What makes you think I’m not taking you out and spoiling you all day?”
“You’ve already mentioned twice that you’re spending the day with your son.”
“Not the evening. I have to take him back to his mother’s by dinner.”
“And then?”
He smothered her again, this time eliciting a giggle out of her smaller, more feminine frame. “Then I’m doing all of this with you. Again. My job isn’t done until you’re walking bowlegged into the office Monday morning.”
“You’d love to be responsible for that, I’m sure.”
“I’d take great pride in it. Might even send you a bouquet to make sure you know I feel bad about it.”
“Make it yellow roses. Red is too obvious.”
“Yellow would mean that I’m sorry.” He blew against her ear. “I’m not sorry about anything I do to you in bed.”
They tousled beneath the covers until Sarah ran out of laughter and Lucas had his fill of touching her in places he had already been only minutes before. When they finally settled again, the muscular man spooning the woman he had asked to be his girlfriend, the mood took yet another downward turn.
“Can I ask you something? I’d understand if you didn’t want to answer.”
Sarah tensed in his hold.
“When you were talking about the child you lost, you kept calling it a he. How did you know, if you weren’t that far enough along when…”
“I just knew.” Sarah wiggled until he finally relented on how tightly he kept her close to him. “The moment they told me I was pregnant, I knew it was a boy. I never considered anything else. When I found out he was gone, that I had lost him, well… I hadn’t picked out a name for him yet, but I still felt like I needed to do something.”
“So what did you do?”
“What would you do if you lost your son?”
Lucas grimaced. Yeah, doesn’t feel good, does it? “I’d kill the bastard who caused it.”
“Yeah, that’s basically what I did.” She wouldn’t say how, but in those intense, dark days of her grief, Sarah had envisioned a million ways to kill Russell Monroe. This was before she knew without a doubt that he was the reason their son was gone from the universe. At least I would never be tacky enough to name my boy after him. Sarah had nothing to bury. But she and Nigel cobbled some spare change together to purchase a small memorial at the local cemetery. They had a monument to children lost before birth, and although they offered to add her son’s name, Sarah declined. She never wanted to name him. Maybe if he never had a name, he’d be free to go to some other mother who needed him more. “That fucker hasn’t suffered enough, but he has suffered.”
“He’s hurt a lot of people.”
“But has he hurt you?”
“No. I’ve been hurt by others instead. We all have those bastards in our lives.”
Sarah turned over and plastered her face against his chest. It was the only way to hide the tears burning behind her eyes.
This time when she cried before him, it was with zero shame or inhibitions. She had nothing to hide from him anymore.
***
Nigel was home when Sarah returned around noon the next day. After spending the night and morning with a man she now considered more than a lover, her apprehension at seeing her brother forced a lump down her throat.
“Hey,” he said from the kitchen island counter. A cup of coffee steamed before him. At least he was showered and shaved. Sometimes, if Nigel stayed the weekend at home, he would forego both hygiene habits, his sister and girlfriend’s opinions be damned. “Back already?”
Sarah entered but did not shut the front door. Lucas had every intention of following her into her apartment. He’s also shaved and showered, thank God. Although she rather missed the rugged man she made love to the night before. Well, this one smelled better, anyway. Less like sex, which Nigel probably appreciated.
He instantly recognized the man from the café. His reaction was also exactly what Sarah anticipated: defensive and unimpressed.
“Lucas,” she might as well get this over with, “this is my brother, Nigel. You’ve sort of met before.”
Her boyfriend entered the room and extended his hand to Nigel. “Pleasure,” he said with his businesslike demeanor. “Sarah doesn’t stop talking about you.”
Nigel dismissed the hand in favor of shooting his sister a glare. “Care to explain?”
“This is Lucas Blackbourne. From the office. We’re, uh, dating.”
Never before had Nigel regarded a man with so much damned disdain. “Are you the guy she’s been seeing in New York?”
“A couple of times.” Lucas withdrew the handshake. “We only decided to make it official yesterday. She thought it pertinent that we formally meet.”
“I bet she did. Took her long enough.”
Just because I met Carly after your first date? He didn’t even bring his soon-to-be girlfriend home for sex. Carly came by long enough to meet Sarah, have a drink, and head back to her own apartment. Nigel proceeded to spend the rest of the night excitedly talking about the young woman and getting his sister’s opinion on her. The fact that this was not reciprocated did not sit well with him.
That was the problem with Sarah having her realization that they were not, in fact, the same person with the same experiences. Can’t tell you all about my sex life. You turn into protective big brother, whereas I’m only expected to give you mere opinions. Maybe he would take them to heart. Maybe he would completely disregarded what she thought while expecting to be the law of God around the apartment. Besides, if he knew what I was really up to up in New York, he’d have a stroke like Russell’s.
Or maybe he would simply hang his head and pray on her behalf. That was almost worse.
“I’ll probably be coming around more often.” Bless Lucas. He tried so hard to come off friendly and cordial, as if he were saying “To watch movies and cook you guys dinner” instead of “To fuck your sister’s brains out while you’re in the other room.” Of course, it was okay for Carly to come over for sleepovers. Even though Sarah could sometimes hear them going at it well into the night.
Damnit, why did her egg have to lack a Y chromosome? Why did Nigel get it? Thanks, Dad.
“This isn’t fair,” Nigel said with the fakest niceties he could possibly put on. “Now my girlfriend is going to think a guy like this is the standard around here.”
“I’ll leave the suits at home if it means I can take your sister out now and then.”
“I highly doubt you’re fishing for my permission, Mr. Blackbourne. But in case you are… the deal is, make my sister cry, and… well, I’m sure you’ve heard about how well I get on with stairwells.”
Only the blackest of humor for the Clayborn twins.
Lucas returned to Sarah’s side and gave her a look that insinuated her brother was a true peach. “I must be going to pick up Victor. I’ll text you later, Sarah.” He kissed her, keeping it somewhat PG for the present audience. When he left a few minutes later, Sarah turned back to her brother, exasperated.
“Nice boyfriend. From the office? Jesus, Sarah.”
“You know how it is. Can’t date from anywhere else.” Wasn’t that how her last affair with a billionaire began?
“I can only imagine how Mr. Monroe is taking that.”
“He doesn’t know. We’re keeping it that way for now.”
Nigel didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to for Sarah to feel his disproval.
“Who’s Victor?”
“His son. He’s divorced. Lucas, that is.”
“Does he treat you well?”
“Yes. It freaks me out a little.”
That got her brother’s eyes to widen in surprise. “Well… that’s all that really matters. I’ll trust your instincts if you trust mine.”
“What do your instincts say?”
“Not sure yet. I’ll get back to you on that.”
Sarah wanted to thwack her brother on the head, but refrained. Only because I don’t want to have to take him to the doctor because I got him good. He would deserve it. Her little brother knew he deserved it, too. When Lucas returned that evening, dressed in more casual clothing that suggested a night in, Sarah was eager for the three of them to have dinner together so Nigel could see what she saw in her new boyfriend.
That didn’t happen. Yet when it became clear Lucas would be spending part of the night there, Nigel went to his room. He said nothing in the morning aside from, “Now I know why you’re dating him.”
Sarah had no idea she had been so loud.