Chapter 27
Even Sarah was amazed that they could both easily fall into their respective roles.
How much had Lucas been holding back whenever they made love? How often had he looked at her and fantasized about doing what he did to her that night?
Telling her to suck his cock, to get him hard, and then proceeding to fuck her throat until she happily gagged.
Ripping off her bra, tearing apart her tights, and slamming his thick cock inside her, his thrusts so damn hard that Sarah lurched forward with every motion.
Spanking her ass every time she wiggled, as if he could control her movements with a firm hand.
Calling her every dirty, filthy name in the book and listening to her get off on them.
Making her come from how he manhandled her, fucked her, sucked her skin and teased her with more orgasms he never delivered.
Binding her wrists together with his tie and shoving her down onto her back, rendering her completely unable to fend him off as he fucked her until she moaned herself into a stupor.
The scariest thing wasn’t that she yearned for him to be even rougher with her. What scared her was how close she was to crying from how good it made her feel.
One man could do this to her. He could open her up, physically and emotionally. He could feed her his stamina, his desires, his lust for life and the power that surged within him. Sarah greedily drank his aura. She refused to let him go every time he tried to pull away from her. Most of all, she screamed his name and whatever dirty shit he told her to say, because it meant he fucked her harder and also lost himself in their games.
But they weren’t games, were they? This was reality. This was what Sarah needed to be whole again, as fucked up as it was.
I don’t care what you say, Luke. I’m fucked up. That’s a fact.
He didn’t treat her like she was fucked up, though. This rough form of lovemaking may have been exactly what she wanted, but he did everything with the tacit understanding that it could stop whenever they needed it to.
But not before he peeled his soaking wet shirt off his body and pulled down his pants. His sweaty skin glistened in the burning candlelight. His cock was so rigid and gleaming from wherever he had last stuck it. Sarah could barely stand it. Why wasn’t it inside of her again? When would he come and give her what she wanted?
“On your knees.” He was breathless.
So was she, once some cool lube hit her skin and her boyfriend insisted on taking her ass for the first time.
Sarah was no stranger to anal sex at this point in her depravity. Rather amazing how many men loved it and got so giddy that they found a random woman who didn’t mind giving it up – or getting off on it. Except it was her first time with Lucas. Never before had he insinuated that he wanted to do such a thing with her.
But she had begged him to fuck every single hole and make sure she knew that she belonged to him. So here they were.
Sarah had reached the point of happily forgetting the bullshit that had plagued her mind for so long. Yet the moment he was inside of her, his guttural groans taking her ear the way his cock took her ass, Sarah wondered how blurred the lines between what they did for pleasure and what they did for this truly were.
“Tell me you like it,” he growled into the crook of her neck. While Sarah embraced the pleasurable pain that came with this kind of sex – like she embraced a good spanking – she had yet to learn his cues. Was he about to come? Had he finally reached his limit, and Sarah better damn well get what she needed to get from him? Or was that simply the immense pressure claiming her body? “Tell me this is more than you could’ve ever wanted.”
She shuddered beneath his body, her little moans of disbelief almost knocking her unconscious. “Fuck me.” It was all she could say.
So he fucked her.
Everything about it was so brash and invasive that Sarah was thrown from her pedestal of subconscious anxiety and forced to focus on nothing but the incredible sensations tearing through her every time Lucas gave her what she needed. His firm hands held her down, pulled her hair, and spanked the tender flesh desperately trying to accommodate the big man’s body. When Lucas wasn’t kissing her neck or shoulder, he muttered filthy epithets into her ear and kept her so far away from the toxicity infecting her brain that Sarah couldn’t even remember what had bothered her for so long.
“You make me want to come so badly.” He made her cry out from the intensity of his slow-moving cock filling her, exiting her, filling her again. I must be easy. A man of his size taking care of me like this? Shit! “Do you have any idea how much I’m holding back from you?”
A simple question. Or so Sarah thought.
He pulled her up, grabbing her breasts and shoving his cock deeper into her. Sarah gasped from both pleasure and surprise. How was it possible for this man to keep taking her on these whirlwind sensations?
“Do you know how much I’m always holding back from you?”
Just like that, Sarah was dropped back onto the bed – and from her sexual high.
Lucas pulled out, his naked body beckoning for Sarah to reach out and touch him. Yet he was so cold that Sarah didn’t dare move.
Until he moved her for her.
Men’s neckties were so versatile. They were especially handy for tying naked girlfriends to the bed so she didn’t have a chance in hell at touching herself – let alone leaving. Yet while Sarah expected him to have his final way with her, Lucas walked toward his bathroom, leaving her tied to his bed. “I need to take a break, Angel. I’m going to hop in the shower for a bit.”
“What?”
The water was already on. Sarah tugged on the ties. While she could most certainly break out of them if she wanted to, did she? Lucas had done this for a reason. He’s jacking off in the shower right now. So not fair. How was this supposed to help Sarah?
Trust him.
Sarah inhaled a deep breath and waited. She listened to the water spraying in the shower. She listened to the occasional sigh coming from the man she so desperately wanted to love. She felt her arms tire and her chest tighten.
I want to love him, but…
He had been so good to her. Good to her in ways she wasn’t used to. Sarah only knew men who used her, or made promises only to forget them the next day. Those were the “good” ones. The “kind” ones. The ones that didn’t traumatize her.
How low was her barometer when doesn’t traumatize me was the marking of an okay guy?
No wonder she didn’t know what to do with Lucas. He genuinely loved her, didn’t he? She had been so selfish! Putting him through so much… because of how messed up she was…
While Sarah didn’t cry, she did berate herself for focusing so much on herself, when she should have focused on the darling man willing to go through so much for her. They had met while she was at her lowest, and he hadn’t been frightened away. If anything, he had pursued her until she finally reclaimed her senses that said dating him wasn’t such a terrible thing that would cost her some sanity.
What had she done to make him feel better? Absolutely nothing. Because she was a mess.
She was willing to tell him that when he came back, naked and freshly washed. His cock was still hard enough to imply that the water had been cold and that he had not touched himself. Whatever his reasons for showering, it had nothing to do with not wanting to share intimacy with the woman he proclaimed to love.
“Luke…”
He climbed onto the bed, untying her hands and giving both a kiss. “I’m sorry. I needed to sort some of my thoughts out.”
“Hopefully nothing too terrible.”
He loomed over her, smelling so good that she was instantly lulled into a strong sense of comfort. How is it possible for someone to make me feel this good after so long? She slipped easily into his embrace, feeling so much better that it was no wonder they started kissing the moment they both fell back to the bed.
“I was thinking about how badly we need to make love.”
“Like this?”
“Like this, Angel. I gave you what you wanted. Now give me what I want.”
“What’s that?”
He parted her legs with his thighs. “All of you.”
No way did he mean her body. He wanted her heart, her mind, and that wounded soul desperate for love.
She was crazy enough to give them to him right now.
“I love you.” Lucas said that the moment he entered her. I had already forgotten how nice he feels there. Sarah was so wet and relaxed that he could do whatever he wanted to her. “I love you so much that I don’t care who knows it or what it does to my life.”
Sarah kissed him back with such vigor that she barely noticed the way he rocked into her.
It wasn’t hurried. It wasn’t desperate. It wasn’t anything like they had experienced when Sarah begged him to use her like so many men had used Angel. Except it was different. He loved me. He never hurt me. I knew coming out on the other side that he would still be here, wanting to do this with me. This was raw, intense, and full of need, but it wasn’t anything like the toxic bullshit Sarah suffered with because she didn’t think she deserved any better.
“I…” Her heart was with his as they made love. Such bliss was foreign to her traumatized brain, but she didn’t care. She would embrace it for the first time in her life.
If only she could say what she knew she now felt.
“It’s okay.” Lucas tucked his arms beneath her, lifting her torso and enticing her to wrap her arms tightly around his shoulders. The intimacy exploding between them was unlike anything Sarah had ever felt in her entire life. She knew what it was like to love unconditionally. She loved her mother and her brother unconditionally. Hell, she had a cat growing up that she loved unconditionally. She didn’t doubt she would love her children unconditionally. But this whole loving a man with every fiber of her being thing? Parts of her couldn’t stand it.
Other parts of her were so…
Were so…
“Yes.” Her nails pressed into his skin every time he thrust into her. While they still made love at a sensual, steady pace, there was renewed desperation to it that claimed them both at the same time. “Yes!”
Sarah was ready to climax again. Yet unlike the orgasms she experienced earlier, this one was destined to crack open her embittered heart and make her feel all sorts of unfortunate emotions again.
And many fortunate ones.
Lucas was going to come with her. She knew it like she knew she was beyond the point of no return – sexually, and emotionally.
“Luke…” Her words were smothered by his next kiss. Why? Why did he have to cut her off like that? Didn’t he know that she was on the verge of a breakthrough?
He broke off the kiss the moment she began to come. His skin rubbed against hers. His body overtook hers, pushing, surging, insisting that she raise her hips and meet his rabid thrusts. Sarah cried out. Everything inside of her was nothing but gushing adoration.
“I love you!”
Those words fell so effortlessly from her mouth seconds before she blacked out from orgasm.
She almost didn’t feel him climax while still inside of her.
***
“This spot right here.” Lucas brushed his finger against the corner of her mouth. “It dimples more than the other side. Adorable.”
Sarah commended him for still being able to speak in complete sentences, because she sure couldn’t. “Thanks.” Actually, that came out more like Hanks.
He continued to gaze down into her face, eyes flickering between humble love and concern. Sarah didn’t care. She was so far gone that all she could do was tickle his chest with her fingertips and wish he would hug her again.
This was the nicest she had felt in years. Perhaps her whole life. How sweet was it to enjoy afterglow like this? She wanted more kisses. More caresses. More of him between her legs, but not necessarily having sex. Hell, she wanted it all. How many more times could she say she loved him before he got tired of hearing it?
“Are you happy, Angel?”
She ran her fingers between his as he touched her cheek. “Yes. This is the best I’ve felt in a long time.”
“I’m glad.” He lowered his lips to her forehead. “You know where to find me if you want more of this.”
“And you know where to find me if you want more of this.” She lightly pecked his lips.
“Indeed I do. I wouldn’t mind doing this every night for the rest of my life.”
Sarah blushed. “You really love me that much?”
“Do you want me to try to explain it?” he said with a soft chuckle. “Because I don’t think that’s possible. I love you, Sarah. I know you have issues you’re working through. So do I. We’ve all got problems. The question is whether or not we want the other person to help us through them.”
She scooted even closer to him. “What do you need help with?”
Sighing, Lucas shifted her leg over his hip, dislodging the last of him that was still inside of her. Now that’s my kind of intimacy. The best part? Sarah hadn’t gotten off on the risky aspect of it. She knew she couldn’t get pregnant. She was at peace with it.
And, well, if she did get pregnant from birth-control free sex, she wouldn’t cry about it. In a way, Lucas had overcome one of his own hang-ups. With her.
“I’ve loved and lost. I’ve watched the first woman I thought I really loved fall into a pit I couldn’t help her out of. My money couldn’t fix it. Not even my love made it better. I guess I need to know that my love is worth something. I don’t want to become cold to that part of my heart. I’ve already gone down that road, and I didn’t like who I almost became.”
“That so?”
“Yes, Angel. I was veering into that territory right around the time I met you. You reminded me of what I loved so much about, well, love.”
He was too much sometimes!
“I’m not asking you to marry me,” he continued. “Or at least not yet. We can cross that bridge when the time feels right.”
She nestled against his chest. “I didn’t think you were.”
“But I want you, Sarah.” He stroked her hair with insurmountable tenderness. “I want you to be with me, whatever I end up doing.”
“I love you.” That was all she had – needed – to say. Lucas would pick up her intent.
He did. When he kissed the top of her head and muttered more loving affirmations, Sarah decided she was perfectly fine with her current lot in life.
So why did it have to end so abruptly?
Neither of them wanted to acknowledge Lucas’s ringing phone. Under most circumstances, he would have ignored it this late in the evening. Yet not even Sarah recognized the ringtone. She had been in the business world long enough to know that at his level, Lucas Blackbourne assigned certain ringtones for certain numbers that presented very certain situations. When his eyes opened wide and he turned toward his phone without thinking, Sarah knew it was important. More important than her, anyway.
“Blackbourne,” he greeted with a gruff voice. “Uh. Yes. Are you sure?” He rubbed his face with the breadth of his hand. “No. There’s no need for the police. Send her up.”
Sarah sat up. “What’s going on?”
“That was the front desk downstairs.” Sighing, Lucas flung back the bed covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed. “Jill’s here, and adamant about coming up to see me.”
Shit. This was about what Sarah had done earlier, wasn’t it? So much for her reprieve from the serious amount of embarrassment she suffered now.
“I’m sorry, Angel. I have to see her.”
“Don’t worry about it.” She watched him dress in a pair of jeans and one of his fitted T-shirts. Should Sarah get dressed as well? What would she even wear? Did it damn well matter?
The door buzzer rang. Lucas finished straightening out his T-shirt and went out to meet his ex-wife. Sarah hopped into the bathroom to freshen up. By the time she had clothes on and combed out her hair, Jill was already in the living room – her own hair disheveled and her posture tilting back and forth.
Sarah knew she was drunk right away. That became even more apparent the moment their eyes met across the room.
Bloodshot. Crazed. Every inch of Jill Blackbourne shaking from anger, directed at her ex-husband.
“You!” Her shaking finger wagged in Sarah’s direction. “You fucking bitch!”
Another day, another jilted ex-lover angry at Sarah Clayborn.
“I won’t argue with that,” she muttered.
“Calm down, Jill.” Lucas held up his hands but did not dare touch her. “Maybe it’s best for you to wait in the bedroom, Sarah.”
“Yeah, Sarah, go wait in the bedroom for my fucking ex-husband.”
“Jill.” Lucas’s voice was sterner than the posture he erected between his ex and his current girlfriend. “Leave her out of this. What do you want?”
“What do I…” Scoffing, Jill threw her hands into the air, sweat pouring off her face. “I want her out of my face, Luke! Tell her to butt the fuck out of my business!”
“I’m sure Sarah won’t be bothering you any longer. We’ve had a long talk about what’s happened today.”
“You talk to her before or after you stuck your dick in her today?” Jill slung daggers over Lucas’s shoulder when she peered in Sarah’s flabbergasted direction. “All while you continue to drag the family’s name through mud? What about our son!” She shoved against Lucas’s shoulders so hard that he had to take two steps back to balance himself.
What the fuck? Sarah had never seen that look on Lucas’s face before. It wasn’t fear – not for himself, anyway. But it was utter disbelief and the realization that he needed to steel himself in case Jill really flew off the handle.
Sarah wouldn’t let it get that far.
“What is this really about?” she asked Jill. “Are you jealous? You had your chance with him. You blew it. Even I can take responsibility for what I’ve done.”
Jill opened her mouth to spew vitriol toward Sarah. Except that was when Lucas intervened, gingerly placing his hands on Jill’s shoulders and steadying her where she stood.“You’re drunk, Jill.”
Her demeanor instantly changed. Gone was the anger, the storm brewing behind two bloodshot eyes screaming for revenge. When Lucas showed her that level of empathy, she cracked like a fragile egg teetering on the edge of the kitchen counter. All it took was that touch. A touch that was probably so nostalgic to this sick woman that she crumbled for a lack of anything else to do.
“I’m sorry…” She hiccupped behind her hand, tears staining the corners of her bloodshot eyes. “I’m so sorry. I am.”
He patted her back. She took the opportunity to hug him, but not for affection. For strength.
Did I do that? Had Sarah’s actions made Jill drink for the first time in a long time? No. No, don’t blame yourself. The way Lucas handled his ex-wife implied that she had been occasionally off the wagon for a long while now. Her illness ran that deeply, didn’t it? Even with the promises of custody and money, she still battled whatever demons plagued her since even before meeting her ex-husband. Lucas’s demeanor was so practiced that he instinctively knew what to do. What to say. Who to call. When Jill slumped down on the couch, she dropped her sober façade. Defeat clouded her eyes.
Perhaps Sarah shouldn’t blame herself, but she still couldn’t shake the feeling that she was responsible for triggering Jill Blackbourne into a borderline bender. At least her son wasn’t around to see it.
“You’re right,” she repeated over and over again, burying her face in her hands and holding back more tears. “You’re both right.”
Lucas was on the phone, trying to secure safety for his ex-wife. Sarah was the only one to hear Jill say anything. “About what?”
She glanced away. “About Victor. It’s not right. Lucas should…”
“Lucas should make sure you get home safely and that you’re not alone tonight.” He put his phone away and offered his hand to Jill. “Just got off the phone with your sponsor. She’s on her way here to take you home. She says she can stay the night at your place.”
Shame claimed Jill’s face. “Oh, no…”
“Hang tight, Jill.” Lucas always knew how to talk to someone beating themselves up, didn’t he? That was the voice of a man who could turn on or off depending on the amount of self-destruction blowing up around him. That’s the voice of a man who is going to run himself ragged taking care of everyone if he’s not careful. That was it, wasn’t it? That was how Sarah could best contribute to this relationship. Lucas needed someone who saw this love inside of him and helped him delegate it. Not hold it inside of himself, but delegate it. He couldn’t spread himself so thin that he had no love left. What had he said about coming dangerously close to hardening his heart and refusing to love again? Yet Sarah was the one who had prevented that, simply by existing as her fucked up self?
The fact remained that Lucas was inexplicably attracted to women hellbent on self-destruction. It couldn’t be explained. His empathy saw something beautiful within them. Not because they were a little more fucked up than the average woman, but because they showed so much bravery in the face of adversity, and he was attracted to women who weren’t afraid to embrace their bravery.
Even if that bravery often got them into trouble. Like sucking all the empathy and love out of him, like some parasite hellbent on destroying him before moving on to the next man.
Sarah needed to learn those cues. She needed to learn how to look into her boyfriend’s eyes and realize that he was being sucked dry – that she was sucking him dry. Jill had never learned to do that. She was still sucking him dry every time her disease manifested. The fact that they had a child together did not help.
“How long has this been going on?” Lucas asked his ex-wife with that same tone of voice. “When did you start drinking again, Jill?”
His tone wasn’t accusatory. In another life, Lucas would have made a wonderful therapist as opposed to a good ol’ venture capitalist.
She couldn’t look him in the eye. Not when she had something disturbing to say. “Since you moved to town. I couldn’t take it. I knew you were coming for Victor.”
Lucas’s entire body bristled at that insinuation. “I wanted to be closer to him, yes.”
“I knew you were looking into getting full custody so you could take him back to Denmark with you. For fuck’s sake, we had talked about it enough.”
“You always said no.”
“Because I need him! He needs me!”
Lucas took a step back.
“But…” Jill’s shoulders slumped again. “Look at me, Lucas. I started drinking at six and I’m only now sobering up. If Victor had been home…”
“Has he seen you like this before?”
She didn’t answer.
“Jillian…”
“I drank because I knew I still had it in me. All those meetings, the rehab, the counseling… I go through the motions, but in the back of mind I’m still lusting after a fucking drink. He stresses me out. I love him, but he… he’s so much energy! So demanding! What the hell do I do? I don’t work. I life off your fucking alimony and child support. Shouldn’t I be able to take care of my child full time without wanting a God damned drink? For fuck’s sake! I live with my parents! I don’t even have to run the house if I don’t want to! I…” She buried her face in her hands to muffle her oncoming sobs.
Lucas spared Sarah a sympathetic look. “Wait for me in the bedroom, Angel. I need to speak with her in private before her sponsor gets here.”
Nodding, Sarah went into the bedroom, closed the door behind her, and surveyed the mess of bedding representing their evening together.
Her phone was alit with messages. Nigel. Her mother. Even the Monroes had left voicemails asking her to call someone back.
She texted her mother that she was fine and would be spending the night with Lucas. She called her brother.
“Hey,” he greeted. “You freaked a few people out today. I knew something was up when Mrs. Monroe called me directly to ask about your whereabouts.”
“Yeah.” Sarah sat on the edge of the bed. The scent of the lovemaking she enjoyed with Lucas lingered in the air, asking her to curl up against the pillow and relive those kind memories. “I had a bit of a meltdown. I’m over it now. I’m with Lucas tonight. He’s talking to his ex-wife about some stuff.”
They were silent. The line was always silent when they called each other. Just knowing that her brother was on the other line, ready to listen to whatever she had to say, was enough for her to feel better.
“He’s a good guy, I think.”
“I think so, too.”
“And he’s got a little boy.”
Sarah didn’t miss the subtext of that observation. Victor could never be the son I lost, but… She couldn’t have kids. Not the old fashioned way. The more Sarah acknowledged her love for Lucas, the more she acknowledged this fact about herself. If she and Lucas decided to have a child together someday, it would have to be done in a lab with a surrogate. Her genetics were good, supposedly. It was her body that couldn’t do the work anymore.
It would be a lot of stress. Pain. Needless money lost. But that was something to address in the future. For now, Lucas had a wonderful little boy from his first marriage. Victor Blackbourne had the name and potential good looks to coast through life, but everyone around him knew that coasting wasn’t good enough. That kid needed a team of people to act as role models and to guide him to becoming a great man when he grew up. That team included parents. He needed to see his father in a successful relationship, with a woman who could step up when Jill was at her lowest.
Perhaps it was best for Sarah that way, too. She wasn’t ready for full-blown motherhood. Not after that heartbreak. Having that clear role in Victor’s life that was “mother figure and wife of my father” was easier to understand than some nebulously replacement mother.
Besides, for all her faults and regressions, Jill still looked to her son as her biggest reason to stay sober. He needed to be in her life.
Lucas knew that too. Which was why, when he returned to the bedroom, he patiently waited for Sarah to hang up on her brother before telling him what had been decided.
“When she’s sobered up again, we’re going to meet with our divorce lawyers and talk custody and living arrangements.” Lucas sat down next to his girlfriend, one arm instantly wrapping around her. “I sincerely offered to move her and her family to Copenhagen so they can be near Victor if – no, when – I get full custody and can take him back home. She tentatively agreed but obviously I can’t take that at face value when she’s drunk and upset.”
Sarah kicked at the carpet beneath her feet. “Did her sponsor come and get her?”
“Yes. They’re heading back to her place right now.”
How embarrassing for her. Sarah took no joy in that. Jill was sick. She knew the damage her alcoholism caused, and to have her sponsor see her fall off the wagon must have made her sicker. Even if people claimed to show no judgment, they still did. It was human nature. Lucas, Sarah, the sponsor, Jill’s parents… they could all say that they didn’t judge her, but they did to varying degrees. Lucas’s judgment was probably laced in heartbreak.
Sarah’s? She wondered how a mother could keep falling that far down.
But judgment also made people hypocrites. Sarah had no room to judge when she had her own issues to sort out. Time to go into therapy, I guess.
Sarah hopped off the bed and picked up her cast-off wig from the floor. Although tangled and a little dirty, it still looked good on her head.
“One day I’ll wear this wig and still be myself.” She said that as much to her reflection as she did her boyfriend.
“You’re beautiful either way.”
“It’s kind of a token, isn’t it?” Sarah pulled the wig back off her head and held it in her hands. “A symbol of when we first met.”
“If that’s how you see it, Angel, then that’s how I see it too.”
She giggled. Sarah Clayborn, who almost never girly laughed in her life, giggled. “We’ve had some pretty good times.”
“And some not so good times.”
Sarah placed the wig on the nearest table. “We’ll have way more good times than not so good ones.”
“If you say it that way, Angel, then it must be true.”
His reflection grinned at hers in the mirror. Sarah couldn’t stand it. She rushed into his arms, tackling him against the bed and covering his scratchy face in heavenly kisses.
Even with all the crap that had gone on lately, it was still the happiest she had ever been in a long, long time. A man who could make her this happy was clearly a keeper, yes?
From the way Lucas kissed her back, the verdict was in: absolutely.