Chapter 20: Hailey

When Zach left I sank onto the couch and stared at the door for a long time. Of all the things he could have done, running away from me was the worst. I should have expected it. What did I think was going to happen, that the womanizer Zach would give up everything and run into my arms? That we would ride off into the sunset together – me, him, and the baby that would ruin his mother’s company?

It was all a big joke. Him knocking wasn’t going to change anything. The look on his face and the fear in his eyes turned me away. I was fucked, but maybe it was better this way. At least both of us weren’t.

I shouldn’t have told him. I hadn’t wanted to tell him, but we were fighting and I’d gotten so angry. Zach had managed to make the whole thing look like he was caught in the middle and nothing was his fault. As if poor little Zach Nettles couldn’t control his own fate.

Well, that wasn’t how life worked. Everything I was, was self-made. Everything I’d become was because I worked hard and because I didn’t give up. When things went wrong, you made them right. You didn’t just run away.

I dropped my head into my hands. Of course, Zach could run away all he wanted. He had enough money to pay the right people, to get someone to clear up his image. He had enough money to get rid of whatever problems he had and make the world right again. For the rest of us mere mortals, the only way forward was to play the hand we were dealt.

I put my hands on my lower stomach. I was going to have a baby. The news had barely sunk in when Zach arrived. I still had to wrap my own mind around this. I felt numb. I searched myself for something – agony, heartbreak, despair, even anger – but I felt nothing. Only an ever-growing numbness that threatened to overwhelm me.

The image on the cover of the magazine flashed before my eyes. My stomach turned and I felt sick again. Morning sickness? Or just the fact that I had fallen for someone who couldn’t deal with real life. He wasn’t the man for me, not if he couldn’t own up to his mistakes or take responsibility for his actions.

When I met Zach, I thought he was an arrogant, spoiled, son of a bitch. As time went by, I started to see another side of him and so help me, I’d fallen for him. I learned to respect the man that had lost so much and still pushed forward. It took a lot to put on a face for everyone out there – literally – and still not be okay on the inside. That had all changed. The true measure of a man wasn’t only how he dealt with what he couldn’t control, but how he controlled what he could.

And Zach had failed me. He’d thrown away everything we’d worked toward. He’d tanked his image and chose to go back to his past life. And in doing that, he’d thrown me away too.

My heart ached for Ken Nettles. His son’s face was all over the news. This time, the image would be different and it would affect his company. This changed everything that Ken had been trying to do. It would kill Nora’s legacy. That was the worst of all. I could still make a life with a child, but Ken? How could he salvage his dreams, his memories, after they had been trampled?

I knew that Zach wasn’t as interested in the company as his father had wanted him to be. I thought I’d understood why. It’s hard to be forced to be someone else, to go public when you want to mourn in private. I thought that he cared, though. Not only about the company, but about me too.

It was all a lie, of course. Zach didn’t care about the company that much. He may have missed his mother, but the company wasn’t everything to him. And me? He didn’t care that much about me, either. I was the one who had been pushing him away – for the sake of the company – and he’d been here to tell me he loved me, but that had only lasted until I told him I was pregnant. The moment came out, he changed his tune.

He ran out on me. Zach left.

The nothingness disappeared as if its departure had only been delayed. An avalanche of emotions crashed down on me. Tears ran over my cheeks and I sat on the couch, crying, not even bothering to wipe away the tears.

What was I going to do? I could continue working with Zach – pretending like nothing had happened was something we both do very well – but I wouldn’t be able to hide the pregnancy for very long. I would start showing at two months, maybe as late as three if I knew anything about having babies. I could change my wardrobe, but that would only make a difference for so long.

And then? What could I do then? I would have to quit with the Nettles’ company before the news leaked that I’d fallen pregnant without having a man in my life. Too many people would be able to connect the dots. A pregnant woman with no husband or boyfriend and Zach Nettles in the same room spelled trouble in every way possible.

I would get maternity leave from my own job, of course. After what I’d done with the Nettles contract and how happy Otto was with me I would have a little grace, at least. But what then? With a child in my life and no one to help me, how was I going to carry on living my fast-lane efficient life? How was I going to be career oriented when my career wasn’t the only thing in my life anymore?

Everything seemed dark. I was coming undone at the seams. I sniveled and cried, feeling like my world was crashing down all around me and I had nothing to hold onto.

I missed my mom. I wished I was back home. She might not be able to make it all go away, but she could tuck me into bed and rub my back. She would make me tea and tell me everything would be okay, even though we both knew it wouldn’t be.

God, I missed home.

I walked to my bedroom, drew the thick curtains so it looked dark, and tucked myself into bed. I had the day off and I could hide away from the world. It had come true – I really was sick. Morning sickness, love sickness, home sickness. They all counted.

In the semidarkness, I looked at the photos on my wall. Photos of home. Mountains against a cloudless sky. The Rio Grande only a short distance away from town. The house where I’d grown up, historic and beautiful with my parents standing in front of it.

My stomach twisted.

I reached for my cell phone and typed in the number I knew by heart. I waited for it to ring.

“Hello?” she answered, a voice so familiar it made me want to cry all over again.

“Mama?” my voice cracked.

“Hailey, honey, what’s wrong?”

I took a deep, shuddering breath.

“Can I come home for a little bit?”

“Of course you can, baby. Anytime. Come now.”

I nodded. She didn’t have to tell me twice.

****

In less than a week everything was taken care of. I’d spoken to Ken Nettles about everything that happened. I sat in his office, terrified that Zach would come in at any second, and explained to him that didn’t think I could salvage what was left of Zach’s image. Ken fully understood and sincerely apologized for his son’s behavior, even though he had no reason to assume it had anything to do with him.

I felt terrible about ending the contract, but the truth was, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t face Zach, not after I knew he’d been kissing other women and especially not after becoming pregnant.

After I’d spoken to Ken, I went to see Otto. He was understanding about the Nettles contract. Ken phoned him before I made it to the office again – as per usual – and he had been nothing but kind. When I’d asked if I could take some time off to recover from my sickness and see my parents again, Otto agreed.

I didn’t know if I would go back. I didn’t know what was going to happen now that everything had changed. I needed to see my mom and try to figure things out. If I decided life in the city was something I would still be able to do, I could always go back and there would be a job, waiting for me.

All I wanted to do though, was run away and never return. I wanted to go back home and work in my daddy’s shop and raise my child there, away from everything that reminded me of the life I had for a short while.

I was at home packing, when someone knocked on my door. I froze. My heart hammered against my ribs. I couldn’t face him, not now. If it was Zach, I would rather pretend I had already left.

Another knock sounded and then Jess called my name.

“Hailey, it’s me.”

I let out a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding and put down the clothes I’d been folding. I walked to the door and opened it. Jess stood on the other side. Her face was worried.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

I nodded, trying to put on a smile.

“What’s wrong?” she asked, despite my effort. “I hear from Otto that you’re leaving and you didn’t even tell me?”

I pushed my fingers into my hair.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I was going to. I just…”

I started crying. Like an idiot I lost my smile and tears spilled over my cheeks. Jess didn’t say anything. Instead, she stepped into my apartment wrapped her arms around me. I buried my face in her shoulder and we stood like that for a while before Jess finally let me go again.

“What happened?” she asked. “Is it Zach?”

She knew me too well. I nodded and sat down on the couch, a blubbery mess.

“I did what you said,” I said. “I broke it off with him so that it wouldn’t ruin my career. But I was too late.”

Jess frowned. “What was too late?”

“I fell for him,” I said. “I was an idiot and I fell for him.”

Not to mention the baby, which I wasn’t going to tell her about until I knew what I wanted to do.

“Oh, Hailey,” Jess said, her face sympathetic. “And that magazine…”

I nodded. So, she’d seen it.

“It doesn’t matter, though. I mean, I would never be able to be with him. He doesn’t feel the same.”

‘I love you.’ I heard his voice in my head. When he’d told me, he’d spat it out like it tasted bad, like he had done everything he could to avoid it, but the unfortunate emotion had found him anyway. He’d managed very well to carry on, despite it, though.

No, Zach didn’t feel the same as I did.

“I’m so sorry,” Jess said. “I know how that feels.”

She had no idea. She didn’t know what it felt like to have the perfect relationship for a week and then have everything ripped away from you.

“I’m going home for a while,” I said. “I just need to clear my head. Otto gave me leave even though I just started. He’s nice.”

Jess nodded. “It’s very generous of him. You’ve done the company so proud though, with the Nettles contract, you deserve it. And you’ve been so sick lately, I think we’re all worried.”

Sick? My stomach turned. Pregnant.

I pushed the thought away. I wouldn’t think about that now.

“How long will you be gone?” Jess asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t know. I just need to find myself again for a little bit. Or lose myself. Whichever is easier.”

Jess smiled. I gave her a weak smile in return.

“Keep me up to date with what’s happening, okay?” Jess said. She got up and hugged me again.

“You know we’ll all be waiting for you to get back. We’re rooting for you.”

Jess was a great friend. Having people like her in my life was what I needed to focus on. When she left, I walked back to my room and packed my bag. By tonight I would be back home, my troubles far enough away that I could breathe again.

I was terrified to tell my parents what had happened, but I couldn’t wait to go back home.