Chapter 19: Zach

Hailey was sick again. It had become a regular occurrence lately. I knew it wasn’t her fault – things like that happen – but I was irritated. I wanted to get back to a normal routine. I wanted to carry on with work, the only distraction I had in a life that had gotten away from me.

My mom’s legacy was the only thing in my world that was still certain. My father made sure of that. It was important that her companies succeeded. It meant that even when everything felt wrong, there was still one thing that was right.

I sat on my chair, swiveling from side to side, looking out at the view without really seeing it. I thought about the last time I saw Hailey. She was so damn cold and all about business now. Seeing her every day was both a blessing and torture. If she hadn’t been my PR agent, I wouldn’t have seen her at all, but seeing her every day – having her within reach and not being able to touch her – was terrible. All I wanted to do was have her to myself. I was desperate to be with her again, to build a future with her.

It was the first time I’d ever wanted to build a future with a woman. Other than the company, I’d never committed to anything before. Hailey was the first woman who meant more to me than just entertainment.

And she was the only woman I couldn’t have. Life was a bitch that way.

My phone rang and I answered automatically.

“Come to my office, please,” my father said over the phone. I rolled my eyes. It wasn’t like I was right next door and he could get up and knock on my door or anything.

“On my way,” I said and hung up. I got up, fastened my top button, and straightened my tie.

My father sat behind his desk, staring down at some paperwork in front of him. When he looked up at me his face was serious. In fact, it was more than serious. He looked pissed. I swallowed and sat down on the edge of the chair opposite him.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“How are you feeling this morning?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at me. “Hungover? Satisfied?”

I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“You’re not at an age where I can reprimand you for being out on a school night. But really, Zach, if you plan on wasting your life away, at least do it behind closed doors.” He narrowed his eyes.

I blinked. He was referring to the bottle of Tequila I drank the night before. Of course, he was.

My father picked up a magazine and threw it down on the desk in front of me. People magazine had my face plastered across the cover along with that tacky redhead. A nice picture of her kissing me, another where I was hanging on her. White words were printed in bold next to it. Women Empowerment or…?

I picked up the magazine. My body went cold.

“Nothing happened,” I said, looking at my dad. “I had a beer and-”

My father shook his head. “I don’t even want to hear it, Zach. I don’t want your excuses.”

“I’m not making excuses. Nothing happened. She attached herself to me. When she kissed me, I pushed her away.”

“And this photo was just conveniently taken before that?” he asked.

“Yes. It’s actually quite inconvenient,” I said.

My father leaned back in his chair and rubbed his hands down his face. He looked tired. I realized how old he’d become. The man of steel didn’t often look frail, but right then he looked like he was reaching the end of his line.

“I don’t know what we’ve been working so hard for,” my father said. “Hailey has been here for you non-stop. We’ve been working so damn hard to get your image sorted out for this campaign. What was it all for, Zach? Tell me, what was the point?”

The moment my father mentioned Hailey, blood drained from my face. Until now I’d thought only of myself and what this looked like for me. If Hailey saw this, what would she think of me? It wouldn’t be as simple as my dad’s accusation that I was sinking the company. For Hailey, it wouldn’t just be about the business. It would be personal.

God. And I’d pushed that redhead away because it was personal to me, too.

“You’re not even listening to me,” my father said. I looked up from the magazine. He was getting angrier by the second. I looked back at the cover again. Suddenly, I was extremely tired. Tired of all the hard work, of all the pressure, of this life I was living.

I leaned back in my seat.

“I’m not in the mood for this,” I said. I just wanted to go back to my office and do what I usually did. I wanted all of this to go away.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t realize I had to make an appointment with you to discuss how you’re not just throwing your life away, but your mother’s too.” He laid the sarcasm on thick and I fought the urge to groan.

“People make mistakes,” I said.

My father shook his head and got up, walking to the tall windows. I wondered how often he stared at the view, if it reminded him of how trapped he was like it did for me.

“You don’t get it,” he said. “This isn’t about you. You always think it’s about you – that’s the only thing that matters in your life. But this is so much bigger. This is about your mother, about her dream, her legacy.”

My father turned to me and his eyes were more watery than usual.

“This was her baby. You know that. I started this company for her, so that her legacy would continue after she was gone. This is all we have left of her. Everything you’re doing affects that. What do you think it looks like when the man promoting the company for women’s rights is sleeping around?”

“I didn’t sleep with her! Fuck. I said that already.”

“And what about all the others? Did you push them away too?”

I didn’t answer him. I didn’t have to.

“There are enough people out there who know what you’ve done to put two and two together on this one. Even if they don’t get the right answer. Why are you still here if you don’t care? Why don’t ‎you just leave the company and walk away? Then you can do what you want and Nora won’t suffer.”

I was furious.

“Why don’t you just fire me, then?” I asked in a raised voice. “You keep suggesting I leave. Why don’t you just make that decision for me? You’ve decided everything else about my life.”

My father blinked.

“Don’t you dare,” he said and his voice was low. His quiet anger was a lot worse than his loud anger. “Don’t you dare make this about you. It’s about her. I know you’ve never loved anyone so I don’t expect you to understand, but I loved your mother. She was everything to me, my entire world. This is all I have left of her and if getting rid of you is what I need to do to keep her memory alive, I’ll do it. I will do anything for her.”

His words hurt like a bitch. My chest felt hollow. I loved my mom too, but I was still alive and he was choosing her over me. Again.

I wanted to shout the truth at him. I wanted to tell him that he was so obsessed with her Company, her legacy, that he had forgotten about me. I wanted to tell him I had feelings too. I had dreams too. None of those were important to him because mom was all that mattered.

I didn’t say any of that. Instead, I turned around and left the office. I slammed the door so hard it reverberated loudly enough that I was sure everyone heard it.

I didn’t care. They already had their minds made up about me, didn’t they? There was no reason for me to go back and convince them I was someone else. I was tired of putting on masks only to be punished.

My office felt like nothing more than a prison. My veins were on fire. I was so angry I could have broken something. That would’ve just completed the image, right? Reckless Zach. But my father had no right to mold me into the image he wanted. He had no right to tell me who I needed to be. He didn’t seem to understand that if he changed me, he was losing me in the process.

The moment he told me that he knew I’d never loved before, I pictured Hailey’s face. She was the one person I truly cared about. What would I do if she was mine and I lost her the way my father had lost my mom? I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing. Maybe not in the same way, but I understood it. I’d want to protect her memory just as fiercely as he protected my mother’s.

But, I didn’t have her. Hailey wasn’t mine, no matter how I felt about her. I didn’t want to admit my feelings for her or add any kind of label to them, unless I knew I could do something about it. None of that mattered because Hailey didn’t want me. Thinking about the possibility of loving her meant nothing unless she felt the same.

Unless I told her. Maybe she would understand and change her mind. I’d never told her how I felt about her. When I had been able to speak to her, I hadn’t felt this strongly about her. Sure, I’d been falling for her, but love? Love was real. Love was scary.

I sat down in my chair and rested my head in my hands with my elbows on my desk. Everything was a big mess. My father wanted to get rid of me and that photo of me with the redhead would be circulating everywhere.

But Hailey had called in sick. She didn’t seem like the magazine type and if she was at home sick she might not have had a chance to see it.

I got up. I suddenly knew what I needed to do. I had some explaining to do, of course, but if I went there now, explained myself and told her what I felt, maybe things could work out after all. I grabbed my blazer and left the office. I didn’t even glance at my dad’s door. Whatever would happen between us now, wherever I would end up, didn’t matter. I had something I needed to take care of.

The drive to Hailey’s apartment was a short one. I knocked on her door and waited. My stomach knotted into a fist of nerves. I had never been this nervous about doing anything in my life. I had always known that people would like me, that I would succeed, that I could get what I wanted. This time, I didn’t know. I could hope, but I didn’t know.

Hailey opened the door. When she saw me, her face fell. She looked exhausted, with circles beneath her eyes, her hair hanging limply around her face.

“What are you doing here?” she asked. She didn’t sound very happy to see me.

“I need to talk to you,” I said.

Hailey didn’t step aside to let me into her apartment. She didn’t invite me. She just crossed her arms over her chest and raised her eyebrows. “I’m not in the mood for this right now, Zach. Seriously.”

“I need to tell you something,” I said again.

“What, that you have a new fling?”

I blinked at her, my mouth slowly opening. “Hailey-”

“Oh, I saw the magazine already. You don’t have to worry about breaking the news to me.”

I couldn’t tell if she was being sarcastic. Hailey was always so calm and collected, in control of her emotions in any situation. This was a new side of her.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” I said.

“It almost can’t be.”

She was angry. She was snapping at me and her arms were tucked in so close that she looked small and impossibly fragile. I knew that it was just on the outside. On the inside, Hailey was a titan.

“Can I come in, please?” I asked. I didn’t want to fight about this when other residents could hear us. Hailey hesitated before she nodded. Finally, she stepped back and let me walk into the apartment. I walked to one of the two couches and sat down. Hailey remained standing. It was awkward and uncomfortable.

“So, what’s your excuse?” she asked.

“My what?”

“Your excuse. For what happened. I can only imagine that’s why you’re here, to explain to me how you haven’t really screwed up your image completely. How this was something out of your control. Was it the liquor? Her sexy outfit?” Her eyes filled with tears. “What was it that drew you to her, Zach?”

“Nothing. I didn’t sleep with her.”

“I don’t believe that.” She reached up and wiped at her face angrily.

“I’m sorry you don’t believe me, but I didn’t do it. I couldn’t.”

“Why is that? Limp dick?” She was being hateful, but it was good to know she at least cared.

“No, because she wasn’t you. I wanted to push you back as hard as you pushed me, but I couldn’t. Fuck me, I still can’t. I’m falling in love with you. Period.”

Hailey froze for a moment and I caught a glimpse of vulnerability in the crack of her mask. She slipped it all back in place so smoothly a second later that I could have easily imagined it.

“You’re not making any sense,” she said. “I can’t do this right now. Seriously.”

“Yeah. I am. I’m falling in love you,” I said again after taking a deep breath. “I didn’t do anything with that woman, because actually I’ve already fallen in love with you. It’s a part of the past.”

“How did you end up on the cover of a magazine, kissing someone else, then?” Hailey asked, ignoring my confession. “If you managed to get rid of her so easily?”

I shook my head. She was backing me into a corner here. I didn’t want to have to fight my way out.

“I was drunk. Before you tell me how bad I was, I know I shouldn’t have had that much to drink. I did, though, because the one thing I want I can’t have, and then that woman took advantage of the situation.”

Hailey laughed sarcastically. “You’re incredible, you know that?”

It wasn’t a compliment.

“You’re just the victim, aren’t you? Poor you, so irresistible he can’t help that women jump his bones.”

I flinched.

“You’re really sarcastic,” I said, standing up. “And I don’t appreciate sarcasm. I’m here to talk to you and you’re acting like you’ve been a saint through all this.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“No, you’re right. Aspen was all right, wasn’t it?”

She snapped her mouth shut.

“Just because you’re so good at pretending it didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away. I’m here because I love you. I wanted to tell you how I feel. Yes, I messed up. I get that. It’s because I’m so damn twisted up about you that I ended up drinking myself into a stupor in the first place! And all you can do is stand there and judge me for it.”

“Ha!” Hailey cried out. “The world judges you and you don’t give a damn, but you’re upset about me, the behind-the-scenes PR agent? The only thing I’m supposed to do in your life is handle your public image and you’ve made even that impossible. Now, you’re here telling me that you might have fallen in love with me and expect me to fall into your arms after you’ve been all over that redhead.”

I shook my head. “It was a mistake coming here. It was a mistake doing anything with you. I shouldn’t have slept with you. Forget I said anything about it.”

“Well,” she said tightly. “I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you. I guess this would be a terrible time to tell you that I’m pregnant. That would just make everything worse, right?”

I blinked at her as time seemed to slow. “What?”

My ears started ringing. Blood drained from my face and I felt lightheaded. “You’re joking, right?”

“Wouldn’t that be convenient for you?” More tears.

I shook my head, trying to process what just happened. This couldn’t be real. If it came out that Hailey was pregnant, it would sink the company for sure.

“Daybreak won’t survive this,” I said. “My father…”

Hailey pursed her lips. “Yeah, your image, right? I get it. I’ll be fine though, thank you for asking.”

I rubbed one hand over my face. I felt like I’d been run over by a steamroller. I couldn’t breathe. A sinking feeling happened somewhere between my chest and my stomach.

“I can’t do this,” I said and started backing toward the door. “I can’t…”

There were no words to explain the panic I felt. This would kill my father. If he found out what I’d done, that I’d lied to him about Hailey…

“Then don’t. I wouldn’t want you to anyway.” She slammed the door in my face and I stood there, trying to catch my breath.

What the fuck was I supposed to do? I reached up to knock on the door and let my hand fall back down. I was in love with her. For the first time in my miserable life, I wanted something more than myself.

I knocked ten times before finally giving up. She wasn’t going to come out and I had no choice but to turn around and walk away.

Things would work out. They had to.