Jimmy came over to me that day in the store, to find out why a woman was leaning on his display shelf and crying her eyes out. He was very kind to me, and I will never forget that about him, even though this is the end of us.
“It’s okay,” he’d told me that day, as I’d crumbled into his arms.
In any other situation, it would be weird. In fact, it would have been totally understandable if he’d have been weirded out. But he wasn’t. He’d hugged me and patted my shoulder.
“Everything will be okay,” he’d repeated.
I’d looked into his kind, soft eyes. He was clearly trying to make me feel better, but all I’d felt was sadness and anger.
“Everything will not be okay,” I’d told him. “My father died. And my mother is crazy. And I’ve spent my twenties trying not to be like her. Trying to show her I don’t need a man, I don’t need anyone. And now… I don’t have anyone. And I do need someone.”
“How about a stranger who happens to help manage this grocery store?” Jimmy had asked, without missing a beat, and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Well… that’s definitely someone,” I’d told him.
From then on, we were inseparable. Some would probably say we’d rushed things, but it had felt right at the time. Jimmy had cooked for me, cleaned for me, brushed my hair for me when I didn’t have the strength to do any of that for myself.
He did everything but fuck me.
He’d even flown with me to Maryland for my dad’s funeral.
“Look who finally got a boyfriend,” my mom had remarked snidely.
But I’d just ignored her. I’d felt comfortable with Jimmy by my side, more confident around her while holding his hand.
I suppose from the beginning that Jimmy’s and my relationship had always been more paternalistic than romantic. He liked that I needed him, and I liked that I could just let go and give in to the feeling of needing someone for once.
But it clearly hadn’t been meant to last. Had it?
“Jimmy,” I say now, looking into his eyes, remembering that first day between us in the grocery store. “I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I just think we might have… outgrown each other.”
“So now that you’ve graduated law school and moved on to some big, fancy job, you don’t need me anymore?” His eyes look hurt. He isn’t even trying to hide his pain. “You’re just going to leave me in the dust.”
I sigh. He knows it’s not like that. Doesn’t he?
I think with guilt about the naughtiest lingerie I’ve ever seen that is laying on my counter and that I was seriously considering wearing for Asher up until this very moment. I’m not leaving Jimmy in the dust to move on to some depraved relationship with my new boss, am I?
“Jimmy, you know I’ve been feeling this way for some time. Far before I started this job.”
Before I met Asher. Before I was… propositioned? In one of the strangest ways ever?
He nods, and I appreciate the fact that he’s being rational.
“All those therapy sessions with Mary, all the ‘talks’ we’ve tried to have…” I remind him. “We’ve done our best, but we just haven’t been happy, you know?”
“I guess you haven’t been, but I have.”
He stands up and crosses the room to pour himself a glass of water.
I don’t think he’s telling the truth. If he were happy, he would have been more into me sexually. He would have had sex with me by now. And I would have liked it or at least thought it could be good. The fact that we haven’t done that speaks volumes.
But I feel so torn. I see my future choices spread out in front of me: a predictable, yet stable life with Jimmy. Or an unpredictable, exciting diversion with Asher.
I shake my head.
Not Asher.
Not like that.
The whole point was to concentrate on my new career. And Asher would get in the way of that. Even more than Jimmy did.
“Can you just take a moment and think about this before making any quick decisions you might regret?” Jimmy pleads with me. “I’ll stay at my brother’s. I’ll go tonight. But can we just call it a temporary break? While we think things through? Figure out how to work on things, maybe?”
I drum my fingers on the table. I like that he said he’ll stay elsewhere tonight. I have a lot of work to do. And maybe he’s right— I’m in no mental state to be making life- changing decisions.
“Okay, Jimmy,” I tell him, shrugging my shoulders. “We’ll just do that for now, then.”
“Thank you so much.” He walks back to me and throws his arms around my shoulders.
I awkwardly return his half hug.
“How was your first day of work?” he asks me.
“It was… interesting,” I say, honestly. “And I actually already have assignments.”
“Okay. Well great. I’ll let you get to that then.”
He sets down his water glass and turns to leave.
“Jimmy?” I ask.
He straightens his shoulders, and I feel another pang of guilt as I realize he thinks I’m going to say, “Just stay,” or something along those lines.
“Please don’t call me any more at work. We can talk after hours but I need to concentrate while I’m there.”
“Of course,” he says, sounding disappointed. “And I’m sorry. I was just really worked up.”
He heads out the door, and I take out the first of the five files, to begin my task of summarizing.
So that’s it then. No more distractions. Maybe I need a good break from relationships of any kind in order to focus on work.
I’ll take this break with Jimmy, which somehow I’ll successfully turn into a permanent break up. As time goes on, it will get easier for him, and he’ll understand. Maybe he’ll even meet someone new.
And I’ll let Asher know that I need to keep things professional at least for now. I feel an obvious aching— physically and emotionally— that I can’t help but dwell on.
Deep inside, I want to wear that outfit for Asher. I want to know what he’ll do to me in it.
I slip my finger underneath my skirt and feel myself soaked with dampness. I can’t help but touch myself, imagining that it’s Asher instead of me. I’m sure he’d know how to touch me, kiss me, fuck me the right way. The way I’ve been wanting Jimmy to for all this time.
But I need to stay focused on my goals. I get up and wash my hands, and then settle back down to work, not giving myself the satisfaction of an orgasm. Maybe after I finish these assignments. Maybe after I see Asher tomorrow, as I’m sure I’ll have a lot of pent- up sexual frustration.
I’ll just tell him I’m not sure yet. That maybe we should wait until I’ve proven myself professionally before we explore anything… personal.
Because I just can’t risk opening myself up to anyone right now. Especially someone with that much power to make or break my career. I can only trust myself. Only rely on myself.
Asher will have to understand.
Won’t he?