So far, Grace has completely floored me with her requests. When she first mentioned Tammy, I expected the worst knock-down, drag-out fight we’ve ever had. I expected tears and screaming—and threats. I honestly expected her to make every threat under the sun: to keep me, to get rid of me, to hurt me. I’ve entertained all sorts of scenarios—from her begging me to stay to her saying she also had someone else. But she surprised me—with a list of compromises and expectations centered around Kyle and our family instead. I can’t disagree with anything she has said; I’m just surprised as shit she’s saying it.

And that hurts like hell because it means she doesn’t love me anymore. She doesn’t care if I leave—only when I leave. There’s a part of me deep inside that still loves her, even if I haven’t felt in love with her for so long now. But somehow, hearing her say she can’t stand being around me slices me to the core.

Now, I’m waiting for number three. Waiting for the other shoe to fall. I’m getting off way too easy so far. I can’t say I’d be so generous with the compassion and understanding if I were in her shoes, which throws up another giant red flag for me. Promises of not fighting me for anything in the divorce if I abide by all her rules can’t be all there is to this. She must have some hidden agenda, but she’s ten steps ahead of me, and my mind is reeling as I try to catch up. There must be a catch somewhere in this agreement, something that will test me to my limits of sanity.

“Number three is you will stop seeing Tammy until the day after Kyle leaves for college. Once he’s settled in, you can do whatever you want with your twenty-three-year-old slut. If you slip up and make one phone call or send one text, all bets are off, and you leave here with nothing but the clothes on your back.”

“You want me to stop seeing her for nine months?”

“Blake, if what the two of you have is really love, it’ll still be true love in nine months. You can live without her for that long. You will not disrespect me by continuing to fuck someone else while you sleep under my roof. These conditions are not negotiable. Take them or leave them. And God help you if you leave them.”

I run my hand through my hair in frustration. Nine months without seeing, hearing, or touching Tammy? How am I supposed to do that when I’m in love with her? When I can’t wait to see her every day? When I rush to work just because I know she’s there?

“What about my job? I can’t just up and quit. How do you think I can go to work and not see her?”

The pain in Grace’s eyes shreds me. She deserves so much better than me—than what I can give her. Than what I have given her. We both had such big plans for the future when we were Kyle’s age. Well, when Grace was his age anyway.

She was only seventeen when we got pregnant and barely eighteen when we married. I was nineteen and had graduated a year before she did. She went through most of her senior year pregnant, enduring the stares, pointing fingers, and whispers behind her back without me by her side. I’d already started college and was almost halfway through my sophomore year when I had to drop out to support my new bride and soon-to-be-born baby.

I was angry about that for a long time, though I never let anyone know. Angry with myself for not being more careful. Angry at the world for changing my plans. Just angry about everything and nothing. My lack of education and inability to get anything more than a shitty, low-paying job created more than a financial hardship for us in the early years. Had it not been for my parents, we might have been homeless and starving. Grace’s parents were furious with her for electing to keep our baby, but they were beyond livid when she announced she was marrying me. They disowned her for more than a decade. They’ve only reestablished a connection in the last several years, and it’s still not a solid one.

Memories flood my mind, and the past comes rushing at me with a new ferocity. The memories of how we used to be together are what make me second-guess my decision to leave Grace. We used to have so much love. I’ve pushed those memories and feelings aside so many times over the last few years, but especially over the last six months. Losing our love and the closeness we once had felt like a literal death of a loved one, and when I’d dealt with the disappointment for so long, I couldn’t take it anymore. That’s when I found Tammy. That’s when I found my vigor for life and love again.

“Are you afraid she won’t love you in nine months? Afraid absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder? Afraid your side of the bed won’t have a chance to get cold?” Grace fires her questions at me, and I know I deserve it, but they each hit a sensitive chord in me. I’ve questioned my own worth so often, I shouldn’t be upset when Grace verbalizes my insecurities. But I can’t stop my knee-jerk reaction. It stings.

“You haven’t answered my question. Do you expect me to quit my job to avoid seeing her?”

“I expect you to go out of your way to avoid seeing her, taking her phone calls, reading her texts, or anything else to do with her. But quitting your job won’t be necessary. I had a long talk with your boss. There’s a no-fraternization rule in the office, you know. Both of you could be—and should be—fired for your actions. But Rob has agreed to let you work from home instead of going into the office. You can still visit your doctors, but if you go back into the office without his permission, you’ll both be fired.”

“You have thought this through. I have to admit, I didn’t know you cared so much about me anymore. I mean, you’ve been busy gathering information about me and talking to my boss behind my back. Making plans for my job and where I’ll work. I guess to everyone else, you just look like the loving wife who’s loyal and only trying to do what’s right. They probably don’t know you’re holding it over my head to control me and get what you want.”

“Rob was going to fire you tomorrow for your blatant disregard of the company rules and, apparently, company time. I saved your job by talking to him when I did, getting him to give us a chance to get back on our feet. I had no idea your head was on the chopping block until I talked to him today. I bet you had no clue either. Thinking with your dick instead of your head will do that to you,” she fires back.

Touché. She’s got me there. Again. I’m surprised the daggers shooting from her eyes haven’t penetrated my jugular yet.

“What’s your decision, Blake? Be a man. Make up your mind and stick with whatever choice you make. There’s no going back either way.”

“Not that I have much choice since I need my job, but you’re right. Kyle deserves to have the best senior year we can give him. My word doesn’t mean much now, I know. But I promise I will stick to your rules until the day after Kyle leaves for college. Then you and I will go our separate ways.”

“You’ll understand if I insist you tell her right now, in front of me. And show her you mean business. If you cave to her whining, even a little, you can walk out the door and never come back here again.”

I hesitate for a second, only because I think this conversation is better held in private, but Grace insists. So I put my phone on speaker and call Tammy. The line rings, and I cringe, not knowing what she’ll say when she answers or how she’ll react to the news with no more of an explanation than I can give her.

“Why aren’t you here with me? I’m in bed and had to get started without you. But if you’re real bad, I’ll let you catch up.” The buzzing in the background confirms she has her vibrator on high. The anger and hurt in Grace’s eyes bore through me. The thrill of sneaking around just lost much of its luster.

“Tammy, you’re on speaker. I’m sitting here with Grace. She knows everything.”

The buzzing stops.

“Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah. So, listen. Grace and I have just had a long talk, and a few things are going to change for the next nine months. This coming year is a monumental one for our son—he’s graduating high school and starting college. We’re focusing on his well-being and what’s best for him in the long run.

“Grace and I talked about a divorce and how that would affect Kyle right when he needs to stay focused on school. I agree with Grace’s ultimatum, Tammy. You and I can’t see each other until he starts college. It’s only nine months away. I know that sounds like a long time, but believe me, it’ll fly by before you know it, and we can be together again.”

Grace wipes a tear off her cheek, and I realize how insensitive I’m being to her. The time will fly by, but there’s no reason for me to rub that in her face.

Then Tammy replies.

“Nine months? You expect me to wait for you for nine long months while you stay there and play house with your wife? You said you weren’t fucking her anymore. You said you wanted to be with me. What do you really want, Blake? Do you want her, or do you want me?”

“It’s not that simple, Tammy. Grace and I have a son to think about and provide for—and we have to consider how our decisions will impact his future. I can’t just up and leave him when he needs me the most. I’m not asking that much of you. If I were in the military, I’d be deployed for longer than that. I’ve made my decision, and I’m standing by it—for Kyle. You and I can be together again in September. Until then, I’ve agreed not to talk to you or see you in any way. I’m asking you to remember you also said you love me. Now prove it and wait for me.”

“Blake, I do love you. But I don’t know what’ll happen in that much time—nine months is a long time. How can I say where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing by then? I mean, I know I’ll miss you like crazy. I’ll try, Blake—I’ll try to wait for you and live without you until then. I can’t make any promises, though. I just don’t understand any of this.”

Grace rolls her eyes then shoots me a dirty look when she leans toward the phone to speak. “It’s very simple, Tammy. Do not call, text, or try to contact my husband in any way. One call from me to Rob, and you can kiss your job goodbye. When Blake is available to catch up with your masturbation schedule, he’ll let you know.”

“Uh. Okay.”

That bright light shining into the dark corners of my secrets is harsh and reveals things I haven’t noticed before—and didn’t want to see now. Like how inexperienced and inarticulate Tammy really is when it comes to dealing with conflict. I try to push those thoughts aside since I blindsided her with a joint phone call with my wife. Had the situation been reversed, I’m not sure how I’d react if I were in her shoes. If she can give me the next nine months, I can give her the benefit of the doubt.

But not seeing, hearing, or touching Tammy for that long will be pure hell. Keeping these promises to Grace will test my self-control to no end. Just when I started to feel alive again, the carpet gets yanked out from under my feet.

---

I question my sanity for the hundredth time since Blake and I sat down for this talk. But it’s done—his job, his livelihood, the name he’s worked so hard to build in the medical community—it’s all on the line, and he won’t risk his reputation more than he already has. People talk; that’s one truth I can always count on. If he screws this up, a lot of people will do a lot of talking. That’s the last thing he’d want to happen.

We spent last night the same as we’ve done most every other night for the past six months. I went upstairs to bed, and Blake fell asleep on the couch in the living room downstairs. That used to bother me because I could feel us growing apart. But last night, I couldn’t have slept in the same bed with him if someone had held a gun to my head. Just the thought of him anywhere near me made me sick to my stomach. Though I’ve known about Tammy for a while, hearing her voice and the things she said to my husband were too much to take.

I move through the motions as I get ready for work while it’s still pitch-black outside. December is colder than usual, and I’ll feel it when I walk into the hospital before daylight. These twelve-hour shifts are long, but I love the time off it allows me. Three days on, four days off. Those three days working in ICU are hell, but the four-day-long furlough every week more than makes up for it.

When I walk downstairs, I’m surprised to find Blake already awake and dressed. He never starts work as early as I do.

“I, uh, thought we could go by my office to pick up a few things then I’ll drop you off at the hospital. No one will be there this early in the morning, and I’ll apparently be around to pick you up tonight since I’m working from home now.”

He looks uncomfortable. Unsure. But at least he’s making a halfway attempt to uphold our agreement. Even if I do feel more like a prison warden watching his every move and keeping him locked up in a comfortable cell than his wife that he willingly married more than eighteen years ago.

“Okay,” I reply, equally uncomfortable.

We’re quiet while walking out to his car. It’s still dark out, but I can see my breath in the air. “Feels like we’re going to have a bad winter,” I say as I slide into the passenger seat. When in doubt, talk about the weather.

“Yeah, that’s what they’re predicting. Tammy said…” His voice fades away, aware of the blunder he just made. Aware that the coldness in the car now has nothing to do with the temperature outside.

“I know you don’t believe me, but I meant Tammy Young—our neighbor down the street. I realized how it must have sounded to you the second it left my mouth.”

“It’s fine.” My voice is impassive, but inside, I’m furious. I’ll never be able to hear that name again without associating it with the worst time in my life. “What did Tammy Young say?”

“She swears by the Farmers’ Almanac. According to their prediction, we’ll have a completely white Christmas this year. It’ll be the first one we’ve had in a decade.”

“I remember. Kyle was only seven, and we took him out to look at all the Christmas lights in the snow. He watched the sky for Santa and Rudolph instead.” The memory of that time in our lives hurts, and tears sting the back of my eyes. Our relationship was so different then. “We had a snowball fight after Kyle opened his presents. We let him win.”

Blake chuckles. “I’d forgotten all about that.”

Yeah, you’ve forgotten a lot of important things lately, is on the tip of my tongue, but I damn near bite it off to keep from saying the words aloud.

“How could I have forgotten that?”

He isn’t really asking me. His face is pained, and his voice is strained. He covers his mouth with his hand, deep in thought as he drives. He’s silent for the rest of the way to his office. When we park in front of the mostly dark office building, he turns to me. “Do you want to come in?”

“No. I’ll wait out here.”

“Okay. I won’t be long.”