Walking to the door of my office building, I realize nothing about this situation has gone the way I thought it would. Deep down, I’d pictured the whole conversation and what would occur between us. I’d felt the despair I’d cause her after I revealed my secrets, and knowing how much it would hurt her has been what’s prevented me from going through with it. Every day, I’d assure Tammy I would tell Grace that night. Every night when I got home, I’d see Grace and stop short when I pictured how she’d respond.

I thought Grace would scream and cry, then beg me not to go.

I thought I’d tell her we were over and I was moving on with Tammy.

I thought Tammy and I would move in together.

I thought I’d finally be happy again.

Instead, I’m going up to my office to clear it out, to take home the things I need to do my job.

I’m leaving the woman I love behind for the next nine months.

I’m not even sure she’ll still want me then. She said she loves me, but even that’s in question now.

My wife didn’t scream, cry, or threaten me once. Not really. She already knew about Tammy and me. She already knew I’d ask for a divorce. Then she beat me to the punch and offered to give me everything I want in the divorce if I just wait until our son is out of the house. At this point, I don’t think she even cares about me or what I do. As long as Kyle is taken care of, my needs don’t matter.

I pass Tammy’s desk on my way to my office and stop for a moment. I’m so tempted to leave her a note—to remind her to wait for me, to say I love her, to tell her I miss her. But I force myself to keep walking instead. With my luck, someone else would find it first and send it to Grace. Then I’d be royally screwed.

With my laptop and files packed in my briefcase, I close the door to my office behind me, fully aware of how the physical action feeds the metaphorical one in my mind. The door is shut, there’s no going back, and my future is more uncertain than at any other time in my life. I feel as if I’m stepping into a hopeless vacuum—no love, no joy, and nothing to look forward to in the near future.

There’s no point in even glancing at Tammy’s desk when I leave. If she and I survive this separation, we’ll be stronger for it. If not, we were never meant to be anyway. The only certainty I have at the moment is Grace and I will be divorced come summer’s end. There’s no saving our marriage at this point. That fact is abundantly clear.

But her memory of that white Christmas so many years ago hit me especially hard. The finality of it all. How fleeting time is and how things change right before our eyes without us even realizing it. We were happy once as a family. We were happy once as a couple. Then, all of a sudden, we weren’t happy anymore.

With a heavy sigh, I yank the back door of my car open and drop my overstuffed briefcase inside before I take my place behind the wheel. Grace doesn’t even acknowledge me. That shouldn’t surprise me—we stopped paying attention to each other years ago. I glance at the clock as I put the car into drive.

“You’re going into work a little early today, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I have a few things to take care of before my shift starts.”

“All right.” She’s being as vague as she can, shutting me out of her day. “I’ll be there to pick you up when you get off work tonight.”

When I stop in front of the hospital, she reaches for the door handle then stops. She takes a second to collect her thoughts before turning to look at me. “Thank you for trying. I do appreciate that you agreed to put in the effort. But if you decide to go back on your word, tell me first. You at least owe me that much respect.”

All I can do is nod in agreement. Her straightforward, no emotion involved request is so unlike the woman I fell in love with, I’m not sure I know this woman in front of me now. Nostalgia hits me square in the chest, and I wish like mad I could go back in time to when we were still a “we” and change anything that drove us in separate directions. But wishful thinking has never gotten me anywhere, and I can’t keep up the separate lives we’ve created.

After I set up my workstation in our home office and handled my early morning emails, I made my rounds to the doctors’ offices in my assigned specialty. Two of my physicians’ groups took up most of my day, but I had a difficult time keeping my train of thought on the correct rails. Alternating between Tammy, Kyle, and Grace left me mentally drained.

Driving through our neighborhood, memories of Kyle and me doing a variety of things together overwhelm my senses. Going house to house trick or treating at Halloween, admiring all the neighbors’ Christmas lights, enjoying the warmth of a bright spring day, walking him to his friend’s house in the heat of the summer—we’ve had so many good times right here. When I walk into our house, I find Kyle is already home from school.

“Hey, Dad. What are you doing home so early?”

“I moved my office here. I’ll be working from home for a while.”

“Cool. You should’ve done that years ago. Mom and I used to talk about how many hours you put in every week.”

“Oh, yeah? What did you two have to say about that?”

“Just how we never got to see you because you were always in the office, in meetings, or away at conferences. I bet Mom is glad to have you home with her on her days off now.”

“Yeah, I’m sure she will be,” I lie. But his words strike an unintended target in me. Was I really always gone from their lives? “Listen, Kyle, I’ve been thinking. Your mom brought up something we did when you were little. I think it’d be fun to do it again now.”

“What is it?”

I remind him of the night we walked the neighborhood to look at the lights, and his eyes brighten when he recalls the details.

“Yeah, that’d be pretty cool. We should do that one night. Maybe Tracy can come with us. Then I can show off our neighborhood to my girlfriend.” He pulls a bag of chips from the pantry and settles down in front of the TV.

An idea begins to form when I follow him into the den. The more I think about it, the more it takes root in my mind. And the more I want to see it through. “I have an even better idea. Let’s go cut a Christmas tree and put it up before your mom gets off work. We can surprise her.”

Kyle cuts his eyes over at me and stares for several seconds, his face contorted as if I’ve grown an additional head. “Okay, what gives? What’s really going on here?”

Grace hasn’t told him anything about our arrangement, I know this for sure. But ice still flows through my veins, heading straight for my heart, as fear grips me. How had I planned to tell Kyle about Tammy?

“What do you mean?”

“Come on, Dad. You’re working at home all of a sudden, and now you’re making all these plans to do family holiday stuff. You’ve never done that before. Who’s dying?”

“It’s nothing like that, Kyle.” I laugh and shake my head. “Your mom said something to me that really hit home. You’re leaving in nine months and going off to college. You’ll be a different man when you come home. We need to make the most of the time we have while you’re still here.”

He eyes me suspiciously before replying. “All right, but we’re not going to become one of those weird families that spends all their time together. I still have plans with my friends.”

“I think we can squeeze your friends in once or twice before your graduation.”

“All right, all right.” He laughs and drops the bag of chips on the couch beside him. I see so much of the little boy I raised in the man who’s in front of me now. “So, a Christmas tree, huh? We haven’t put one up since I started high school.”

“Yeah, well, it’s about time to rectify that, don’t you think?”

He turns off the TV and grabs his coat from the back of the couch. “Let’s go chop down a tree for Mom. But if she gets pissed because she has to decorate it, you’re helping her. Not me.”

“Fair enough,” I chuckle. ‘Let’s go. We have to get this done before she gets off work since I’m picking her up.”

“Yeah, why’d you take her to work? You never carpool.”

I shrug, hiding my guilt. “I had to leave early anyway, so I just dropped her off on my way back. Let’s go. You’re wasting time.”

A couple of hours later, Kyle and I are home with the biggest damn tree they had, along with bags upon bags of brand-new lights, bows, and other decorations. Neither of us knew if Grace had saved any of our old ones, so we stopped by the store and filled the shopping cart full of bright and shiny Christmas cheer.

The scent from the fresh-cut tree and authentic garland soon fills the house, putting both Kyle and me in the spirit even more. We work together to put up the icicle lights along the eaves of the house and set the lighted reindeer in the yard.

“Mom’s going to love this, Dad.” Kyle stands back and admires our work. “This should earn us a few brownie points. I can’t wait to see her face. I’ll plug it all in when you pull into the driveway. She’ll be so surprised.”

“Good plan, son. Give it about an hour before you come out here and wait for us, though. I still have to pick her up and get back home.” I ruffle his hair the way I used to when he was still shorter than me. Before he grew up. Before I blinked and too much time had already passed.

---

“How was work?” Blake asks after I shut the car door.

“Fine. How as your day?” I’m really trying to be civil, but this is harder than I thought it would be.

“Good. I met with a couple of my large physician groups and had great discussions about a breakthrough drug we’re bringing to market. Then Kyle and I hung out for a few hours. We actually had a great time—just talking and doing guy stuff.”

“I’m glad to hear that. He needs his father around.”

“You’re right, he does. But he needs you too.”

“He has me.” My tone is matter-of-fact. I’m not the one who planned to leave him. “Blake, I think you need to go get checked for STDs. You may trust her, but you just never know what someone you trusted is capable of hiding from you.”

“I appreciate your concern,” he replies, his sarcasm barely detectable. “But…” He hesitates. “There was never a time I wasn’t protected. I wouldn’t chance that or any other kind of surprise.”

No, you wouldn’t chance that, but you would gamble with your own family.

I think it, but I don’t say it. One step at a time. One day at a time.

“Grace, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Really? You think so? What am I thinking?”

“I didn’t mean to fall in love with someone else. It just happened. That doesn’t make her a bad person.”

“What does make her a bad person, then, Blake? The fact that she was sneaking around, sleeping with a married man obviously doesn’t. So I guess she’s just the epitome of the perfect woman. She’s your soul mate, huh?”

“Maybe she is. She certainly acts more like it than you do. She looks at me like I’m the sexiest man alive. She wants to be with me, to talk to me, to touch me. You haven’t even looked at me in I don’t know how long, much less wanted me. You’ve been in your own little world, focused only on Kyle. That’s fine—you should’ve been active in his life, but not his exclusively. Not to the point I’m shut out of your life.”

“Well, I guess you were just the perfect husband for the last eighteen years, and I’ve always been your shitty wife. Duly noted. But for the record, you don’t even know me. You’ve never tried to get to know me since Kyle was born. You’ve withdrawn from both of us more and more every year. You’ve blamed us for why you had to put your dream of going to medical school behind you.

“You’ve blamed us for why you had to settle for a bachelor’s degree from night school and a pharmaceutical representative position that allows you to work with doctors but never be one of them. That wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t Kyle’s fault. Last I checked, it took both of us to conceive him. And, to prove my point, that wasn’t what I was thinking at all. I was thinking about how you didn’t mind taking a chance with your family’s lives, so why wouldn’t you chance anything else?”

We’re silent for the rest of the ride, but the tension in the car is as thick as molasses. Over the last several minutes, I’ve mentally kicked my own ass for spewing all the vitriol like I did. I’d resolved to make this arrangement as painless and platonic as possible. I accepted the fate of my marriage months ago when I first confirmed his affair, but I want Kyle’s last days at home to be pleasant memories…something I didn’t have at his age.

“Grace, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said all that to you. It was insensitive and uncalled for. We’re both doing the best we can under the circumstances, and I don’t want to make it any harder on either of us. Can we start the evening over?”

“I’d like that. I apologize for the things I said and the way I said them, too.”

“Apology accepted, but not needed. I hate to admit it, but maybe there’s some truth to what you said. And if it makes you feel better, I’ll get tested and give you the results. You don’t trust me and I don’t blame you, but I’m telling you the truth.”

“I’d feel better if you did. No one needs any surprises in the future.”

“Consider it done, then.”

Tears threaten to fall when we turn onto our street. Nothing about this predicament is how my life was supposed to go. Then he slows as we approach our driveway, and the entire front of the house illuminates with beautiful white twinkling lights. Icicles hang down across the front porch. A family of brightly lit deer is standing on the front lawn. The shrubs are covered with multicolored lights, and small, festive trees complete the scene.

“What? When did you—? How?” I can’t even form a complete question or gather my thoughts.

“Kyle and I decided to surprise you. We haven’t decorated or been out to see the neighborhood lights together in a long time. So, we grabbed a few things at the store and set this up.”

“It’s beautiful. You two did a great job.” Suddenly, my door is jerked open, and Kyle stands there with a huge, toothy grin on his face.

“Mom, you gotta come watch this. The deer’s head moves up and down like he’s eating.” Kyle grabs my hand and pulls me out of the car and across the snow-covered grass. “Watch him!”

I can barely tear my eyes from Kyle to look at the decorative animals. The wonder of Christmas is there in his eyes, twinkling with the lights he helped put up all over the house. “I love it, Kyle. You and your dad outdid yourselves.”

“Well, we may have another surprise for you inside. Come see!”

With that, we’re off like a shot toward the front door. Blake chuckles as he comes up behind us. “Kyle, slow down. Your mom has been on her feet all day. I’m sure she’s tired.”

Kyle stops and looks at me, absorbing his dad’s words. Then he shrugs and picks me up, cradling me to his chest, and resumes his sprint. I can’t help but laugh at his antics, but his thoughtfulness warms my heart and gives me hope.

“Kyle, put me down, you lunatic. I can walk the rest of the way.”

“Nope. We’re already there now.” He sets me down on the porch, and I turn in a full circle, admiring all their work.

“This looks beautiful. I love it.”

“Wait until you see inside.” Kyle smiles and opens the front door.

The aroma of fresh balsam pine surrounds me, and I take a deep breath to draw it in. Then I see the garland and decorations inside the house, and I can barely move from shock. My feet feel heavy, rooted to the wooden slats beneath them, but Kyle takes my hand and pulls me inside.

Our home is a two-story Victorian with more room than the three of us need, but Blake and I were so thrilled when we were finally able to buy it. The foyer is covered in wreaths, and garland is wrapped around the banister leading upstairs. Tiny white lights alternate between burning brightly and fading to black, making our home intimate and inviting.

Then my eyes land on the enormous tree standing tall close to the fireplace. “This is amazing. You two definitely surprised me with all this. Did you leave the tree for me to decorate?”

“Yep. We didn’t know what decorations you’d kept from years ago or which ones you’d want to use,” Blake explains. “We bought a bunch of new ornaments and bows today, if you want to use those too.” He can’t hide his excitement over his handiwork.

I gush over their hard work and thoughtfulness with sincerity. I’m very touched at the lengths they went to simply to surprise me.

Huh. My husband seems a little embarrassed by my praise.

I work through my fatigue and fully decorate the tree with the new ornaments. Kyle helps, though he tries to hide that he really wants to. Blake watches as Kyle and I laugh and joke with each other. He has an odd expression on his face, and he’s quieter than usual. But he’s with us, and he’s trying. I have to give him credit for that, at least.

“There’s one box from the attic I need to get,” I say when I stand back and admire the tree. “It has the ornaments Kyle made in elementary school in it.”

After I climb the stairs, I stop to catch my breath before pulling the steps to the attic down from the ceiling. When I put my foot on the first step, Blake’s voice startles me.

“Let me get it for you, Grace.” He’s standing close, and his voice is low and intimate. Or my mind is playing tricks on me. “You must be tired after working more than twelve hours today. Plus, that box may be heavy.”

Just a few days ago, I would’ve argued and said I could do it myself. Tonight, I recognize he just wants to be helpful. He’s showing Kyle ways to be a good husband. He’s keeping up his end of the deal. So I let him.

“Okay, Blake. I’ll go up and find it, then you can bring it downstairs. Thank you.”

“I’ll come up with you. We may have to move stuff around to get to the right box.”

I turn to climb up to the attic and feel Blake close on my heels. When I reach the top step, he puts his hands on my hips to help push me up the last big step. The contact is too much. The genuine way he wants to help throws me off-kilter. Memories of how we used to be together hurt too much to think about. Inside the cramped quarters of the attic, Blake and I are way too close.

This wasn’t part of the deal.