Chapter Forty
She met Trenton at a restaurant called The Honey Pot. It wasn’t a date, but it still filled her with the same jitters—maybe even some new ones. When she parked her car he was waiting at the front of the establishment. The sight of sunflowers in his handmade her second guess his words from the other day.
Her gaze remained nailed to the flowers as she approached. “I thought this wasn’t a date.”
“It’s not. It’s business.” Pulling open the door, he handed her the bouquet. “Congratulations on opening your new business.”
She pursed her lips and hid a smile. Sunflowers were her favorite and these were especially beautiful in shades of burgundy and orange. “Thank you. They’re lovely.”
“So are you.” He turned and addressed the hostess, giving her no chance to reply. Once they were seated, he flipped his menu open and scanned the options. “What are you in the mood for, doll?”
Her hand trembled as she opened her own menu. “Probably just a salad.”
He scoffed. “Get more than that. It’s my treat. Look, they have cannoli.”
Her mind instantly flew to the morning he fed her at her kitchen table, the way he kissed her and touched her. “I’m trying to lose weight.”
“You don’t need to lose weight. Indulge a little.”
The waitress took their orders and Chloe fiddled with the silverware, her eyes on the table. Not a date. “So, what have you been up to for the past few months?”
“This, that, and the other thing. You lightened your hair.”
Her fingers nervously touched a strand. “I… Yes, I’m trying to get it back to my natural color. Although, by the time I get there it might be gray.”
“You don’t have gray hair.”
“After this year, who knows? I’m lucky I’m not bald.” She surprised herself with her attempt at humor, but Trenton didn’t laugh so she shut up.
“Is that a new ring?”
She glanced at her fingers and touched the stone. “Yes. Adam and Tommy got it for me for my birthday.”
“I missed your birthday?” He frowned, drawing back in his seat a little. “I’m sorry, doll. I didn’t know.”
“You didn’t miss anything. We just stayed home and ordered pizza. At my age, it’s no big deal.”
“What’s this new obsession with your age?”
“I don’t know. I’m almost forty. I just feel … done.”
“So am I. I’d hate to think I shouldn’t live anymore. I still feel fairly young.”
“Milestones seem bigger now. Maybe it’s just me.”
“Trust me. Your life’s far from over. You just opened a business, you’re financially secure, you don’t have to watch your back anymore, and your kids are doing great... The world’s your oyster.”
She laughed nervously. For a business dinner, things were getting awfully personal. He touched her hand, stilling it from playing with the silverware. She should probably bring up the gym.
“Seriously, Chloe, you can do anything you want. Don’t fool yourself into thinking time’s passed you by. You're young. You’re beautiful. Make as many wishes as you want. I think you’re owed a few.”
She slid her hand out from under his and placed it on her lap. “A wish?” When was the last time anyone acted like wishes changed anything? “I’m not sure I believe in wishes anymore. All I have are memories I wish I could forget, but no amount of wishing takes them away.”
“I’m sorry.” His gaze shifted away as if she’d just stabbed all his generous optimism right in the heart.
They hadn’t even eaten yet and she was already spoiling the night. “Please don’t apologize.”
“I could have—”
This time she was the one to take his hand. “No. A lot of bad has happened to me, but you were only responsible for the good. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
His blue eyes stared at her, tight at the corners with worry and regret. “No, we can talk about it. Or we don’t have to. I’m just glad we’re talking.”
Her lips pressed tight. “I wish I could forgive everything that happened to me.” Trenton had saved her not once, but twice. She owed him some level of truth. “I hate him. He’s dead, but my hatred for him is still very much alive. Even with my education and background, I can’t make sense of how anyone can be so evil. He left this anger inside of me…” She sighed. “I’ve made a dozen appointments to talk to someone and canceled every single one. How can I sell a sort of healing I won’t buy?”
“I think you need this gym more than you realize.”
Of all the things he could have said… “Why do you say that?”
“You need to bang something around, get the anger out. You’d be amazed how much it can help.”
Her laugh was silent and her smile unconvinced. “Sometimes I question if violence is the only way to stop violence. It’s a bit hypocritical, isn’t it?”
“Are you sorry he’s dead?”
She met his gaze. “No.”
If he only knew the demented thoughts she had, that she wished Marcus had suffered more. Her hatred was a systemic, sometimes crippling weight she never put down.
“I think you’re handling it well.”
She broke eye contact. “I’ve had years of practice hiding the pain on the inside.”
“You’ve never been able to hide that much from me, Chloe. I’m trained to sniff out the truth. You think I’d judge you for wanting him to suffer more than he did? Never. You’re human and he was an animal that needed to be put down. My biggest regret is that I didn’t kill him years ago when I had the chance.”
Her head lifted and she saw something dark and unforgiving flash in his eyes. “You’re a good guy. Killing isn’t your style.”
He leaned closer, lowering his voice. “He hurt you. Good guy or not, it would have been my fucking pleasure to make him suffer.”
His words should have terrified her, but they brought a twisted sense of satisfaction. Her lips quivered as she fought the urge to cry. What kind of woman thought like that? “Don’t let the ugliness from my life change the sort of man you are, Trenton.”
“What sort of man am I?”
She shut her eyes, her lashes growing damp. “You’re the sort who never deserved the things I said to you that morning I found your gun. I realize that now and I should have realized it then. You could never be the bad guy because you’re too good at being the hero. You’re strong yet gentle. You’re always there for the people you care about.”
She shut her eyes, a hollow ache forming in her chest. “You deserve a girlfriend who isn’t … broken. I know we had a lot of fun before everything got messed up, but the truth is everything did get messed up. You need to find someone who can give you everything you deserve and want.”
“What I want is you.”
She dashed away a tear. “Trenton—”
“Chloe, I know what happened changed you. I’d think something was wrong with you if it didn’t. There’s nothing you could say to me that would change my mind. You’re who I want. Because without you, I’m just as broken.”
“He haunts me. I can’t talk about it because I don’t want to remember any of it. I just want to forget and I’m afraid if I let myself … get close to someone else, it’ll make me remember the worst parts. I…”
He pressed a napkin into her hand and she blotted her eyes. “It’s killing me not to be able to hold you right now, Chloe. But I get it and that’s why I’m sitting over here and not over there. Yes, I want to touch you and hold you, but I also don’t want to scare you. I know what you’re afraid of. I’m not asking for that. I’m just asking for a chance at your heart.”
She sniffled and a nervous chuckle slipped out. “This was supposed to be a business dinner.”
He smiled. “I’ll always make it my business to be sure you’re all right. These last few months have been torture. I ask about you and the boys all the time. I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I love you.”
Such sweet words shouldn’t cause so much pain, but their situation was heartbreaking. Marcus stole her last chance at a normal life and she hated him for it. He destroyed what had taken her years to find and left her confidence more damaged than ever.
“I’m done, Trenton. Kids… I have mine. Marriage… It doesn’t agree with me.”
“What about love?”
Another tear slipped down her cheek. “I’m just too fragile.”
“You’re tougher than you realize.”
“I’m not.”
“Bullshit. I watched you get out of there twice. You’re the toughest woman I know.”
“I don’t feel tough. I feel battered and beaten in every sense of the word.”
His jaw noticeably clenched as he stared at her. “My future’s with you, Chloe. I can either suffer through everything that comes after this moment, wonder every day if you’re happy, or I can make sure of it. But you have to let me at least try. With all my heart, I believe I can make you happy. I did once. Let me try again.”
Gathering her hands in both of his, he squeezed. “I’d be a good guy to Dayton and Mattie. I’d love them and protect them as if they were my own. I just want to love and take care of you—all of you.”
Her vision blurred. “Why?”
“Who gives a shit why? I love you. I love you blonde, auburn, or gray. There hasn’t been a day—in nearly seven years—that I haven’t thought about you, wondered if you were all right. It doesn’t take work because my heart just goes there. I’ll worry about you no matter what. It’s the only thing I’ve consistently done in my life. I don’t wanna say ‘this isn’t perfect, let’s throw it away and shop new’. This is you and me. It’s what I want. I want … us.”
“Trenton, I … you’re a very sexual person.”
“So are you.”
“No. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I was, but I’m not anymore.”
“Chloe, what do you feel when you see me?”
So much. “I don’t know.”
“Think.”
Her lips pulled into a sad smile. “Happy. Nervous.”
“What kind of nervous? Nervous like fear or excitement?”
“Nervous like I’m rolling down a hill in a fast car and my stomach feels like it’s going to jump out of my body.”
“You make me the same kind of nervous. When I see you, a fire catches in my lungs and makes it hard to breathe. My skin tingles all over. I feel breakable and impetuous, and always a little unsure because I know each time I’m with you, I’m with the kindest, most beautiful woman in the world and I don’t want to mess it up.”
Her brow creased. “I do that to you?”
“Yes! Will you listen to me, woman? You make me crazy. Do you know what that nervousness is, Chloe? It’s desire. Circumstances might’ve doused it, but nothing can destroy it. You just need some kindling and that little flame will grow so big and strong, before you know it you’ll be racing down those metaphorical hills remembering how fun it is to let go.”
Her heart was breaking. Everything he said, she wanted to believe it could all be true. She loved him so deeply and yet she feared he’d eventually grow tired waiting for her. She could handle disappointing someone she hated, but she couldn’t bear to disappoint someone she loved to the degree she loved him. “I’m scared.”
“Scared how?”
“I’m scared if I try, I’ll end up letting you down.”
“Never.”
“We have to be realistic, Trenton. You could touch me and I could lose it. I can’t even be alone in an elevator with a man. You don’t know how bad it is.”
“We’ll get there. I don’t care if it takes years.”
“You say that now—”
“You’re getting ahead of yourself, Chloe. I mean, don’t get me wrong, sex with you was off the charts, honestly, the best I ever had, but there’s so much more. We’ll deal with all that when the time comes. For right now, I just want to be with you, a part of your day-to-day life. Even if we never get to the sex, I’m okay with that.”
“You … can’t be okay with that.”
“Yes, Chloe, I can. That’s how much I love you. If I can get your mind and your heart, the other parts are just a bonus.”
“I don’t know if I believe that.” Not because of her trust issues or because she doubted his sincerity, but because she knew he’d never be satisfied with a sexless relationship—even if he wholeheartedly believed he could be.
“Chloe, I’ve been sniffing your clothes for almost eight months. They’re running out of smell.”
She froze. “What?”
“The bag you left at my house, everything in it smells like you. I’m not crazy—well, maybe it’s a little crazy—but I miss you. Here—” He reached into his pocket, opened his hand. A black tube lay in his palm.
She gasped. “My lipstick.”
“Yeah, I should’ve given it back. I didn’t know you were looking for it until Sue bought you a new one. I found it in the car the day you went missing. I’ve carried it around ever since.”
“You were at my house the day I went missing?”
“Yes. I came and searched your house for anything the cops might have missed. I found this under the seat of your car.”
She picked up the tube. It was lighter. She lifted the cap and found it empty. “What happened to it?”
“I told you, I’ve been carrying it around for over six months. It was a hot summer. It melted. All of my jeans have pink stains in the pockets.”
“Why didn’t you throw it away?”
He moved to take it back, but she pulled it away and his eyes turned pleading. “Because it reminds me of you. It smells like your kisses.”
And here she was thinking herself crazy by drinking her coffee black because they tasted like his kisses. She held the tube under her nose and inhaled the familiar scent of cosmetics. She supposed it did smell like her. She handed it back to him and relief stole over his face.
She realized in that moment that he hadn’t moved on at all. Maybe neither of them had. Just like he’d thought of her all these years, she also thought of him—her hero who saved her when she needed to be saved.
He never asked her for much but he was asking for everything now. If there was any possible way she could save him from pain, she wanted to. Maybe, somehow, they could save each other.
“Okay, Trenton. We can try. But you have to be patient with me.”
His blue eyes lit as a smile stretched across his face. “Doll, I’m not a fancy man, but I plan on wooing you in ways that would make the greatest poets cry. If patience is what you need that’s exactly what you’re going to get.”