Chapter Twelve
Ben had never felt rage like at this moment. His body felt like it was on fire, his blood boiling, and he was painfully close to losing control. His throat was dry and adrenaline rushed through him, trapped, because he had to control the anger. This wasn’t about him and his need to throw the coffee table over or punch his fist through the wall. He hung his head, trying to breathe. Control it. He would. For Molly, he would do anything.
Molly’s hands were like ice on his, and he instinctively wrapped her hands in his, surprised to see his hands shake. He waited for her to continue speaking. He would sit here and wait even if it killed him. “Molly?” he whispered, keeping his voice as unintimidating as possible, but lowering his head so he could see her eyes.
“He pinned me to the ground and…” Her voice broke, and he cried for the first time in his adult life. He felt the unfamiliar sting of tears drip down his face, but he couldn’t look away from her. “He forced himself inside.” She leaned forward and he caught her, pulling her close. His arms were shaking, his muscles wired so tight.
“I called you. I called and hung up. I wanted you so badly,” she sobbed against him. “I wanted you to make it all go away, Ben.”
He pulled her into him and wrapped his arms tightly around her, and he didn’t even know the words that fell from his mouth as he whispered and kissed her head. His muscles clenched, contracting against her, wanting to make it better, wanting to erase everything that had happened.
Not Molly. Not his Molly.
“What about the guy?” he asked, his voice stilted. He wanted to kill him. If he’d been there he would have. If she had told him, he would have hunted him down. He had never had a violent need to physically unleash his anger on a person, but this…this was justifiable. He would have done it without a second thought.
“I…I called my mom that night and she came. She brought me to a hotel. She made me shower. I told her to call the police and she said no. She started talking, saying I didn’t want that, I didn’t want an investigation and then for everyone to know. She said it would ruin my life; I’d never be able to put it behind me. I didn’t know…I didn’t know, I trusted her,” she sobbed against his chest. “We stayed in that hotel, and then she started asking questions, like what was I wearing, did I mislead him, did I give him the impression that I…wanted him.”
Ben wanted to throw up. Acid churned in his stomach, swirling like a sick pit that threatened to erupt. “You know that’s not true. You know there’s nothing you could have done to ever justify what he did. That’s bullshit, Molly. She was wrong. Wrong.”
She nodded against him. “I know. I know now. But at the time…I just wanted someone to take care of me, to tell me what to do. She convinced me to bury it. Pretend it never happened. I transferred schools. I went to therapy. And I found out three other girls came forward…he was prosecuted and sentenced.”
Ben had never felt so helpless in his life. He wracked his brain, reliving the memories of that day with Molly, when he’d gone to see her. She had looked pale, different, as she’d stood in the doorway of her room. Her eyes had been different; she’d looked jittery. Now he knew. At the time, he’d been hurt and assumed she looked that way because she was guilty of cheating on him. God, how screwed up it all was. Her mother. God. “How, how did you keep going?”
She shook her head, her sweet face red, with tears streaked down her smooth skin. “I didn’t for months. I thought I was going insane. I thought I was completely broken and I would never get my life back. And then I realized I was pregnant,” she said, her voice breaking on a sob.
Ben closed his eyes because he couldn’t look at her anymore without being able to offer her anything that would make it all go away. He didn’t know what to say to her anymore. He didn’t know how to give her what she needed.
“Ben,” she whispered, his name coming out like a question, like she was doubting he was still with her.
He opened his eyes to look into hers, the truth, the pain in them, something he’d never get over. He raised his hands to cup her lovely face, very aware his hands were still shaking. He’d never felt more helpless in his life. He’d always had choices. In a fire, in a rescue, he always had the option to leave if it was too dangerous, if command was calling him out. He always had choices. He’d been robbed of a choice. He’d been robbed of a chance to help Molly, to have a life with her. But he wasn’t going to say that. “I’m so damn sorry, Molly.”
She placed her cold hands on his, tears falling from her eyes. “The baby…it was a girl. A little girl and I never saw her, I never held her, I never named her. I gave up all my rights.” Her face crumpled and his heart shattered all over again as he held her, wanting to tell her it would be all okay. He wasn’t going to say anything that didn’t make her feel better, that didn’t make her feel secure or loved. He’d deal with his issues. Not now.
“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s okay. You got through it. You survived. You’re here, Molly.”
“I…I never thought I’d make it. I wanted it to just go away. All of it. I believed my mother that it would just all be behind me. But it never went away. I never thought I could be back here, that I’d be able to tell you, that you’d ever believe me again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I lied to you.”
“Don’t,” he said, grazing his thumb over her lips. “Please don’t,” he said, his voice and throat raw. “Don’t apologize to me. Molly, I can’t.” He dropped his eyes from her vulnerable blue gaze, hating that he was a guy at this moment. He hated there were men out there who women had to fear, who Molly had to fear. He forced himself to look up at her again. “I can’t go back and make it go away. I can’t erase what happened. But I can’t judge you for lying to me. If it got you through, then I’m grateful. I’m grateful you’re here with me now. I never got over you. I never fell in love again,” he whispered, pulling her closer.
She sank into his arms, and he felt the tension leave her. Without questioning himself, he picked her up. She held on to him with a trust that floored and humbled him, and she looked at him with the love and hope that he had missed so damn much. He carried her to his room and lay her down on the bed, without any expectations other than to hold her, if she’d let him.
He stretched out beside her, and she curled herself into him. “Do you remember when we used to do this at the fairgrounds?”
She smiled against his chest and nodded. “We’d stare at the stars, and then you’d put the big moves on me?”
He laughed softly, happy to think of those days, happy to make her smile. “I was pretty full of myself.”
She patted his chest. “Some things don’t change.”
He caught her hand and kissed it. “Molly,” he said, wishing he could get over this, knowing he was going to have to find a way to deal with this on his own. “I want more than anything for you to feel safe and happy and loved.”
She looked up at him. “I do. With you, I do,” she whispered, placing her head back on his shoulder.
He kissed the top of her head and held her closer. He spoke to her and he didn’t know how long it had been, but he talked about how much he’d missed her, how much she’d meant to him, and how amazing he thought she was. And at some point, she’d fallen asleep in his arms.
Ben stared at the ceiling, searching for something he would never really have answers to. He shifted Molly’s weight in his arms, careful not to disturb her. Hearing her deep, even breathing made him feel like maybe there was something he could do for her, because he’d never felt so damn helpless in his life as he had a few hours ago when she’d finally told him the truth. As a firefighter, he’d had extensive training and experience in trauma. But it was different when it had to do with your own people, your own family, your own loved ones. Molly was loved, so loved by him. He knew, when she was sitting there, sobbing in front of him, that he was going to have to seek his own peace in his own way. He would be whoever she needed him to be, and he would deal with his own issues. He felt such regret, helplessness, and anger. He’d been left out of a horrific part of her life, and maybe there wouldn’t have been anything he could have done for her, but he wasn’t ever given the chance. He would have gone through hell for her. He saved people’s lives as his career, and he hadn’t been able to save the one person who mattered the most.
He thought of Amy in the car accident that night, in labor. But she’d had her baby. Her husband had been loving and grateful. They had held their baby that had been created out of the love they had shared. And he thought of his Molly, alone, with a baby she’d carried that had been the result of the most violent of acts. She’d been alone and so damn brave.
He hadn’t touched her when they’d been dating; he had respected her wanting to wait. And then that guy came along. Ben dug the back of his hands into his eyes, closing them. He couldn’t shut it out. Any of it. He couldn’t stop thinking of the graphic images. They would haunt him for the rest of his life.
He’d thought of her every day for nine years. But he thought she’d moved on. With other men…just as he’d done with women. And he regretted it. He regretted sleeping with every one of them, knowing she’d been without anyone. He felt as though he’d cheated.
He would have waited nine years for her.
She wasn’t the same girl; she was so much more, though. She deserved the best of everything. She deserved a man who gave her everything she needed, and he was going to tell her. Tomorrow, when she woke up. He was going to tell her that they’d wasted too many years apart.
…
“Good morning, sweet girl,” Ben said, kissing the top of Molly’s forehead.
Molly looked into his eyes and knew he must not have slept much. She smiled up at him. “I’m not a girl anymore, Ben,” she said, reaching out to cup the side of his face.
He turned his head and kissed the palm of her hand, the sweet gesture making her eyes sting with tears. “You’ll always be that girl to me. You’ve always been my Molly. We could be eighty and you’d still be that girl.”
She took a shaky breath and fought the urge to ball her eyes out, but he was so wonderful to her. He knew her. He knew just what to say to her. “Ben…”
“Listen, no pressure. We just keep taking it day by day. I won’t pressure you into trying to go back to what we used to be or pressuring you to…be with me.”
She wanted to be with him, desperately. But what would that mean? She wasn’t ready for everything that came with that. He would still want the whole package, and she didn’t want that anymore. Ben wouldn’t be a man she slept with for one night. Ben would become her entire life again. That would be like trusting the universe to finally give her what she wanted. But that hadn’t worked for her in the past. How selfish was she for just wanting this, him, and not worrying about the future? “Okay. Day by day.”
He leaned forward and gave her the softest, sweetest kiss. “I know everything we have. I know everything we can be together. And I know that I can give you what you need.”
She nodded, trying not to cry. “I have to get ready for work.”
He kissed the top of her head. “Me, too. I’ll see you tonight.”
She forced herself to get out of bed, but leaving the warm safe, cocoon of Ben’s arms seemed so harsh. She turned to look down at him and wondered how she’d managed to go so many years without him. “That was the best night’s sleep I had in…forever,” she said.
He didn’t smile back, not a real smile. She saw the shadows under his eyes, the pain in his gaze, and knew what he was thinking. It didn’t look as though he’d slept much. Even though telling him was what she needed, this was the aftermath; he wouldn’t ever look at her the same. There would always be pity for her, sadness, and anger. He would blame himself. How would they be happy if he looked at her as though she were a helpless victim? How would she be able to make him understand she didn’t want more children or believe in happily ever after anymore?
…
“You guys are going to the Harvest Festival together tomorrow?” Addie asked, while dangling precariously close to the edge of the step ladder.
Molly inched closer to her while holding up her side of the banner. They were trying to hang the kid’s banner in the back corner of her shop. Molly had dropped by after work the next night since her shift ended at six. She’d picked up a meat-lover’s pizza at Luigi’s for them, which they had already polished off, and now she was helping Addie out. Ben was working late tonight so she had decided to stop in and see her sister. That was progress for her, voluntarily reaching out. It felt good. She just needed to keep going in this direction with everyone in her life.
“Yup. I’m looking forward to it.”
“Well, obviously. Who wouldn’t look forward to going anywhere with a hot firefighter?”
Molly laughed. “Okay, true. But I mean all of it. I didn’t realize how much I missed this place.”
Addie finally looped the banner hole onto the nail and then fell off the ladder. Some things never changed. Molly winced and held out her hand as Addie swore and grumbled.
“Thanks,” she said, taking her hand and standing.
“Are you okay? Do you need me to check for broken bones?” she asked, even though by the way her sister was moving, she could tell it wasn’t serious.
“I’m fine, thanks. Hey, this is looking good!” Addie said, stepping back to admire her handiwork. Molly stood beside her, taking in how charming the little shop was turning out to be. All the shelves were white and a nice contrast to the original, wide-plank pine floors. Addie had placed a green and white rug in the kids’ section, and there were three small tables and chairs.
“This is looking awesome. You’ve done a lot in a short amount of time.”
“I still have a ton to do, but I’m getting there. I have all the inventory to go through, but I think I’ll be able to open tomorrow, as long as I don’t go to sleep tonight,” she said, smiling at Molly as she ran her hand across the countertop of the new cash desk.
“I can stay pretty late. I have the whole day off tomorrow.”
“Really?” Addie said. “I don’t want to take you away from your time with Ben or your time off. I know you work crazy hours.”
This would actually be a huge distraction for her and a great opportunity to really reconnect with Addie. “Seriously. Ben isn’t home anyway and I missed you.”
“Okay, well, I’ve already got my new coffee station ready to go. So, I’ll make us coffees.”
“Perfect.”
“I guess things are going really well with Ben?” Addie asked, as she counted out heaping tablespoons of coffee grounds in the machine.
Molly walked to stand closer to her. “Uh, it’s complicated. But yeah, I guess you could say it’s going well.”
Addie shot her a confused look, and Molly knew she should elaborate, but she didn’t know how; it would mean revealing too much and she wasn’t ready for that. She hadn’t recovered from telling Ben. She still felt vulnerable and exposed. She wanted the attention off herself. “I think you’ll be a huge success. What does Mom think of this?”
Addie groaned. “I swear I think I’m going to have to have a locked liquor cabinet behind the cash desk so I can quickly numb the pain after she leaves.”
Molly laughed out loud. “That bad? I swear, I don’t think there will ever be a way to meet her standards. No matter what we do. Be proud of what you’re starting here, never mind what she thinks.”
Addie held up a finger and pursed her lips. “With your education, Adelaide, you shouldn’t just be some shopkeeper. Look at your sisters; they are doctors, a noble and highly regarded profession. You will be wasting away the rest of your youth catering to old people on fixed incomes and toddlers with smelly diapers and sippy cups.”
Molly was torn between outrage and laughter. She didn’t have to choose because the door opened and their middle sister, Melody, walked in.
Molly gasped and Addie ran across the room and all but tackled Melody to the ground. “You’re early! I’m so happy you’re here.”
Molly stood there awkwardly, not knowing how to react. Melody laughed and hugged their sister back before looking at Molly. She smiled at her, but the tension between them made her want to turn away. She and Melody had been inseparable at one time, since they were so close in age with the same career aspirations and goals, binding them even closer. But she’d shut Melody out, as she had with Addie, the only difference being that Addie had never held a grudge. Melody never truly forgave her.
“Hi, good to see you,” Molly said, walking forward and giving Melody an awkward hug with a lot of air between them.
“You, too. I hear we’re both working at the hospital,” Melody said, in a polite but cool voice, nothing like the voice she’d used for Addie.
“It’s great. You’ll love it. It’s like a little family over there,” she said, glancing at Addie who was beaming back and forth between them. She’d always been the peacemaker in the family.
“Addie, this place looks amazing,” Melody said, walking inside and looking around.
“Thanks! It’s getting there,” she said, shoving a few boxes out of the way with her foot. “Does Mom know you’re back in town?”
Melody rolled her eyes. “No and I was thinking of getting my plates changed so I could go around unnoticed for a while.”
They burst out laughing. Melody smiled and walked over to the cash desk. “I love this,” she said, running her hand along the white top.
“Thanks. I got it at the antique market,” Addie said.
“They still have that?” Molly asked.
“Nothing changes in this town,” Addie said with a laugh, opening a box filled with children’s books.
“Well, nothing except the people,” Melody said softly, her back to them.
Addie frowned and looked over at her. Molly didn’t know what to say. How could she argue that? In their eyes, Molly had been the one to change.
“Why don’t I get us some dessert to go with that coffee?” Molly said, backing up a few steps. She was starting to feel warm and uncomfortable. She knew what that meant for her. She had already told Addie that she’d stay and help, so she couldn’t back out now. Maybe fresh air would be enough.
“Okay, well I’m all for that,” Addie said. “Are you staying, Mel?”
Melody nodded. “Sure. I have nothing going on.”
“Okay, be right back,” Molly said, grabbing her purse and leaving. She needed space. She wasn’t prepared to spend an entire night with both her sisters. Addie would have been fine because Addie didn’t push. Melody was more intense, and she had no idea if she’d confront her over her behavior. She couldn’t handle that right now; she was consumed by just keeping strong, so that she didn’t mess things up with Ben again.
She took a deep breath, and the crisp autumn filled her lungs. She walked in the direction of The Chocolatiers, nostalgically looking at all the buildings that made Main Street so charming. All the same shops were there, even though she knew some of them had changed generations.
Everything was all here for her. Her sisters, Ben, her job. They all wanted her back, even this new her. But it was all a lie. How was she going to walk away? How was she going to tell him that even though she loved him, they couldn’t ever be a family?