TWENTY-NINE
The Femme Fatale Handbook
Part Two: Putting all of this to use
Chapter Eleven: The Subject of Sex
This is an important subject, so pay close attention and reread this section however many times you need to in order to make sure all this information sinks in. I thought you might be most interested in a man’s perspective regarding this subject so I’ve invited my friend John to write this section! Take it away, John!
Ahem, thank you, Jane, and hello to all of you reading. Let’s talk about sex! I don’t know about you, but this is one of my favorite subjects! Haha, said like a true man, right?
Okay, okay, so getting down to the rules about sex regarding men and women … They go something like this: Before a woman sleeps with a man, she has all the power. Afterward, he has all the power.
Repeat. That. To. Yourself. Over and over and over again. Repeat it as many times as it takes you to fully understand that before you give up the va-jay-jay, you have the power. I know it isn’t fair and I know you’re angry about it. And I’m sure you’re wondering why it has to be that way. So, I’m going to tell you …
In general, men want sex and women want a commitment. That’s not to say men don’t want commitment, sometimes they do, and I would say that most men are happiest when they are in a good relationship. But I can also promise you that commitment isn’t the driving force behind a man’s behavior when it comes to women; sex is. Blame it on biology if you need to, but the fact remains. Men want sex! And they will take sex pretty much from whoever is willing to give it to them.
So how do you know when it’s the right time to surrender the booty? This is an important question! Keep in mind that no woman has ever lost interest in a man because he slept with her on the first date, while men lose interest in women all the time for the same thing. Yes, it’s a double standard; yes, it’s unfair; yes, it sucks, but it is what it is, so rather than fighting it, use this knowledge to your advantage!
Just how will you use it to your advantage? First, you must understand what constitutes the right time to get intimate with a man. The answer to this complex question is fairly simple. It’s not about waiting three dates or six dates or whatever Cosmo magazine is telling you. When it comes to having sex with a man, the number of dates doesn’t matter—it’s an arbitrary measure that really tells you nothing. It doesn’t matter! Yes, you heard that correctly—the number of dates you wait before you have sex with a man is unimportant. What matters is the quality of the time you spend together.
Think about it like this—let’s say you don’t have sex with a guy before date three and you tell him this, thinking it makes you look somehow more selective or like you care about yourself more than just giving it up on date one. In a guy’s mind, though, he doesn’t read it like that. Instead, he thinks to himself, OK, I just have to take her out three times and then I’m in like Flynn! He’s not going to think any more of you because you make him wait three days, because three days doesn’t mean anything to him.
The question you need to ask yourself is whether or not you’ve developed any sort of a real connection with him and whether he’s developed a real connection to you. So, now you’re wondering what I mean by a “real connection,” right? I think examples might help illustrate this point the best …
Let’s say a woman decides to have sex with a man on the first date after an evening of intense, meaningful conversation in which both the man and the woman feel very much interested and in tuned with one another. They feel close to each other. Rather than surface conversations about how many siblings he has and what his favorite color is, they talked about his career ambitions, his family, what he feels is lacking in his life, etcetera.
Through their intense conversation, they bonded with each other, they let one another in. This type of situation will be much more likely to lead to a relationship, even if the woman decides to have sex with the man on the first date. Why? Because they broke through the superficiality and they connected with each other, truly connected with each other.
Now, take the same situation and let’s say the surface conversation, though friendly and polite, lasted all night and then they had sex? I doubt he’d call her again. Why? Because they had nothing invested in each other, so all they really had was the sex. Sure, he might call her again if he gets bored or if the sex was really good and he wants another go. But this type of situation won’t last long because he will think that she’s easy—that she’ll give it up to the next guy who comes along just as easily as she gave it up to him.
The answer to this important question about sex is that the right time to have sex with a man is when he’s shown a level of investment in you. This doesn’t have to mean that he says he wants a relationship or he wants to take things to the next level, although both of those help. It simply means that you both have shared stories or information with each other that you ordinarily wouldn’t share with someone you just met. It means that you both care and respect one another as people.
Keep in mind that men don’t value what they perceive is readily and easily available to all other men. So when you have sex with a guy before you really know him, it’s easy for him to assume that you’re doing the same thing with other men. And in the man brain, that’s a big turn off. We want to know that we worked hard for you, not that you offered yourself up to the first guy who came around showing interest.
So to sum all this up into an easy to remember and convenient test for yourself: Before sleeping with a man, ask yourself: is he interested in you, or is he just interested in having sex with you? If you can’t distinguish between the two, it’s not time to have sex with him.
Note from Jane:
Girls, I want you to understand how men think about sex which is why I tasked John with this section. But I also want you to remember that regardless of whether or not a man might call you back after having sex with you and might want something real, a femme fatale does not have sex with a man until she’s gotten what she wants from him!
Let me repeat that: A femme fatale doesn’t have sex with a man until she’s gotten what she wants from him. And sometimes you might be able to get what you want and move on without having sex with him at all! It all depends what it is that you’re after. So, unless you’ve gotten that commitment, that gift, that money, that trip, etcetera, stay in the driver’s seat!
***
DEREK
I knew I was making a mistake. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing what I was doing, and I knew I would come to regret it. But I couldn’t help myself. I reached for Nikki again, but she backed away, concern and worry in her features.
Goddamit, I wanted this woman and I wanted her like I’d never wanted anything else in my life. By this point, I was going to have her. Fuck my better judgement, fuck that fucking voice in the back of my head. Fuck any and everything that was going to get in my way.
“I don’t understand,” I said, feeling frustrated all the way down to my toes. “Why are you playing games with me?”
“I’m not,” she started, but by the expression on her face, she wasn’t telling the truth.
“You came on to me the other night, Nikki,” I insisted, feeling anger beginning to brew inside me. “You’re the one who kissed me, and I pushed you away.”
“So why are you doing this now?” she insisted, fire beginning to burn in her eyes. And that fire in her eyes ignited my dominance even more.
“You don’t get it, do you?” I asked as I shook my head and laughed without humor. “I wanted you that night! I wanted you almost as much as I want you now, but I wasn’t about to take advantage of you when you were as drunk as you were.”
“Well,” she started and took a deep breath. “Thank you,” she said finally as she brought those beautiful, wide blue eyes up to mine, and I felt my own breath hitch. I couldn’t remember ever finding a woman more beautiful than I found her now.
“So, why are you doing this, Nik?” I asked, my voice softer. “I don’t understand you at all. If you want me and I want you, why are you doing this?”
“Because it’s the right thing to do,” she answered as she smiled at me almost wistfully. “You know who you are, Derek,” she continued, the playfulness completely missing from her voice.
“And who am I?”
She cocked her head to the side as she appeared to ponder my question. Finally she looked at me and her expression was vacant, as if she were wearing a poker face. “You’re the eternal bachelor, the playboy. You’re the rebel, the rake, and you love nothing more than the chase.” I couldn’t argue with her and found I was speechless, so she continued. “And I confuse you.”
“Yes,” I answered immediately, finally finding my tongue. “You do confuse me, and you frustrate me, and I’ve never wanted anything as badly as I want you.”
She smiled almost sadly. “Because you want to conquer me, Derek,” she said with a little shake of her head. “But what then? What happens after we have sex?” I didn’t answer because I couldn’t bring myself to say the words. “The same thing happens that happens with every other woman you sleep with,” she said softly. “And it’s not worth it to me to take that chance. I like you; I care about you and I care about our friendship,” she continued.
“So this is what it feels like to be put in the friend category,” I said with a frown.
She laughed, and the sound of her voice made me want to grab her and pull her into my arms, just so I could feel her soft skin and smell her hair. God, I wanted to touch her, have her close to me.
“I value and I respect you, Derek,” she continued.
“But you don’t believe that I value and respect you?” I replied, almost angrily because I valued her more than I’d ever valued another woman before. And I respected her even more. It was impossible not to respect her because she was so smart, so driven, so funny, so sweet and sassy.
“I do believe you respect me,” she insisted. “Of course I do. And I know you care about me, but you seem to be having a hard time limiting this situation of ours to just friendship, even though I’m sure you can admit that it’s the right thing to do.”
“That’s putting it mildly.”
She laughed again, and even though I was beyond frustrated, to the point of being angry, I found myself smiling down at her. “Do you have any female friends, Derek?” she asked as she eyed me pointedly. “And I don’t mean girls you’ve slept with who are willing to take any attention from you that they can get. I mean purely platonic friendships with women where you don’t want to have sex with them and you never have.”
“No,” I answered immediately. “And I don’t feel that way towards you either, and I never will. Be disappointed in me all you want,” I continued, sounding rather infantile and defensive, but there it was. “But I will always want to have sex with you,” I continued with a shrug. “I am but a man, after all.”
She sighed, but there was a smile on her lips. “I understand that and I forgive you,” she said with a giggle.
“Oh, you forgive me?”
“I do,” she insisted with a quick nod.
“Okay, Mother Theresa,” I started as I crossed my arms and eyed her incredulously. “So what happens now?”
She shrugged. “Now, we make a pact to be friends. We make a pact not to come on to one another, and we make a pact to respect each other as people.” She took a breath. “I would love to be your friend, Derek, if you want to be mine?” she asked as she extended her hand and I looked at it with little interest.
I cleared my throat. “I don’t want to be your friend.”
“You know what will happen if we have sex,” she insisted, frowning at me while she still held her hand extended.
“No, I don’t know.” I kept both of my arms crossed against my chest.
She shook her head. “Well, I know. And I’m not willing to wage our friendship on it.”
“So it’s not worth it to you to find out what we could be together?” I insisted, growing angry and defensive again. This wasn’t the response I’d expected when I’d come here. I’d fully expected her to admit she was dating someone and then I was going to do my best to make sure I fucked up whatever budding relationship she had so I could claim her for myself. But friendship hadn’t been something I’d considered. Not at this point. “What if we are right for each other?” I demanded. “What if your fear is getting in the way of something that could be great?”
“Listen to what you’re saying, Derek,” she said, her voice calm and smooth. It didn’t seem like there was any emotion in her eyes at all. It seemed like this whole situation was much easier for her to accept than it was for me, and I couldn’t say I liked that at all. “You’re fighting just because you want to get your way,” she continued. “But everything you’re saying goes completely counter to who and what you are.”
“I hate it that you think you’ve got me figured out.”
“I hate it that you keep denying your true nature,” she rebutted. “Accept who you are, and you’ll find it’s much easier to live your life.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be younger than me?” I insisted with a frown. She laughed as she nodded. “Well, start acting like it and stop talking like you’re fucking Socrates or Plato.”
We both were quiet for a few seconds as we looked at each other and her words started to sink in. She was right—she did know me, and everything she was saying was true. It just sucked because I wasn’t used to not getting what I wanted. And she was at the top of my list.
She was finally the one to break the silence. “So, are we good, Derek?”
I thought about it for a few seconds before I nodded and grabbed her, pulling her into my chest as I wrapped my arms around her and plopped my chin on top of her head. “Yeah, we’re good, you royal pain in my ass.”
She glanced up at me and laughed before she put her head on my chest and held me even tighter.