THREE
NIKKI
Two Weeks Later
I wore faded sweats and an oversized sweatshirt, with my hair tied up in a bandana and no makeup … Yep, that was how I’d been presenting myself following the devastating period that soon became known as the breakup of NikBrand.
Okay, so it was true that Brandon (who from here onward will be referred to only as: “He who will not be named” or HWWNBN for short) wasn’t the first breakup I’d ever had. But I couldn’t really recall the specifics about anyone prior to HWWNBN.
He was the first guy who dumped me whom I really cared about. Yes, we didn’t have the greatest sex but how important was sex to a relationship really? I’d heard people stopped having sex once they got married anyway...
“Dude, I think you need to eat something,” Dani said. She eyed me from across the bedroom with an expression of pity. “You’re starting to look like the abused dogs they keep showing on those ASPCA commercials.”
“I can’t,” I retorted while shaking my head. I pulled the duvet cover up to my chin, as the idea of food nearly made me barf. “I have no appetite.”
“Hmm,” Dani said as she bit her lower lip. “I just read this story about some old lady whose hubby died; she was so bummed out that she decided it was her time to go and she starved herself until she died. She wanted to be reunited with him in the forever after.”
“Okay,” I frowned as I wondered what the hell she was talking about. “What’s your point?”
“Well, I was just thinking that maybe you could do that too?” she answered with a huge smile and ostensibly feigned excitement. “You know, just starve yourself until you kick it, and then it’ll be too late to feel sorry for yourself.”
“You forgot one pertinent part of that equation,” I grumbled, watching her turn toward our closet with a sigh of exasperation. That was probably because her side of the closet was way beyond packed. It was just a matter of time before she’d be asking to invade some of my closet space.
“What did I forget?” she asked as she faced me again. Her shoulder-length, black hair was neatly pulled behind her ears. With her bright green eyes, upturned nose, and slender body, she reminded me of a woodland sprite. Of course, that was until she opened her mouth, and then she sounded more like a truck driver.
“HWWNBN would still be alive,” I started.
“That’s too much of a tongue twister,” Dani pointed out as she shook her head. “He needs a new name.”
“True,” I answered with a quick nod. “How about Dickhead or Asshole or Fuckface?”
“Any would work,” Dani answered with a shrug. “Though I quite like the way Fuckface rolls off the tongue.”
“Anyway, back to my point,” I started. “With Fuckface still alive, that would mean I’d be equally bummed that he dumped me except I’d also be dead. So I could hang out on a cloud all day, watching everything he was doing. Yeah, that sounds like loads of fun.”
“Ugh, you’re the worst!” Dani said, throwing her hands up in frustration. “Trying to get you to crack a smile is impossible!”
The truth was I gave no fucks about mundane items like feeding myself or the usual daily hygiene stuff. In fact, I was more than sure I probably smelled every bit as bad as I looked. Poor Dani.
Were it not for her constant prodding, I probably never would have gotten out of bed once I found refuge there. Dani had been the one to force-feed me and the one to make sure I got to campus for my finals. Speaking of finals, they were another interesting topic. Normally, I was Molly-Straight-A-Student, but Molly had been introduced to Holly-I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit-And-The-World-Can-Kiss-My-Ass. The result wasn’t great for my GPA. In fact, if I continued down this path, I’d be close to being kicked out of ZTS. And that would be really bad for me because it was cheap ass rent!
“You gotta snap out of this, Nicole Sloan,” Dani coached me as she shook her head. “Do you realize I had to reassign all your duties to prepare for the Panhellenic Council’s visit? I asked everyone to pitch in. On a side note, they’re all convinced you’re having a mental breakdown!”
“Is that what they’re saying?” I asked with sudden interest. I sat up and watched her throw two bags from her recent shopping trip onto her unmade bed.
“Yep, that seems to be the consensus.”
“Hmm,” I said as I thought about it. “Am I?”
“Oh, my God!” Dani exclaimed. She looked up from removing the tag from a miniskirt and rolled her eyes at me. “You aren’t having a mental breakdown, Nik! You just got dumped by an asshole and that’s it! You need to pull up your big-girl panties and get the hell over it already!” She took a deep breath. “Besides, how many times did you tell me that Brandon was the worst in bed?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe like three hundred times?”
“Four hundred but who’s counting?” Dani frowned back at me. “The point is that you’re acting like this because your ego is hurt. If you really think about it, Brandon did you a favor. So, again, I invite you to snap the fuck out of it.”
“Thanks for the pep talk.”
“Because if you don’t,” Dani continued as she made her way over to me, leaning over me and holding her index finger right in front of my nose, “and if I have to deal with Stacy-fucking-Johnson asking me one more time how you’re doing, I swear, I’ll kill you myself! And then I’ll kill her.”
“Good thing your major doesn’t require you to possess a good bedside manner,” I grumbled.
“Dude, this is exactly the kind of pep talk you need. With spring break already here and all the partying we should be doing, you need to get over this like … yesterday.”
Yes, it was true. Spring break was here and the Zeta Tau Sigma girls, known to those outside the sorority as “Zits,” were busy making tenuous plans to go back home, or vacation to faraway beaches, where there would be plenty of scandal in the sunshine. “I can’t even think about stupid spring break.”
“Okay, Donna Downer, here’s the plan,” Dani persisted, obviously ignoring my last comment. “You and I are gonna party at my parents’ beach house. I already talked to my mom, and she’ll take care of convincing my dad. Then we’ll come back here a few days before next semester starts. That’s just so we can get things ready for the new girls who will be moving in.
She drummed her fingers against her plump lips. “Just think, Nik, about how much penis we’ll get! Think about all that tanned, hot, muscular, engorged man meat that’s just waiting to meet your va-jay-jay.”
“Really, Dani?” I asked as my mouth dropped open because sometimes the shit that came out of her mouth amazed even me.
“Yeah, really,” she smiled as I shook my head.
“The last thing I want to think about right now is penis,” I replied.
“Okay, that’s it,” Dani announced with a curt nod. “I have to do it.”
“Do what?”
“I have to pull the plug on you. This is no way to live.”
“Blah,” I said, sticking my tongue out at her.
“Well, even though you’ve become the Grinch, you still have good fashion taste; so tell me which one you like better?” Dani asked. She reached into one of the plastic bags and produced two bikinis. One was fire-engine-red and the other was striped blue and yellow.
With a heavy sigh, I pointed to the red one.
“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too. The red should contrast with this pasty-ass skin of mine perfectly,” she said as she glanced down at her pale skin. “Maybe one of these damn days, I’ll actually get a tan.”
I wasn’t sure why, whether it was Dani’s lack of pigment, or because I was watching her unpack more shit that she had nowhere to hang, but I suddenly felt joyously happy to know she was here with me. Without her company, I had no clue what I’d be doing. “Hey, Dani?” I started.
“Yeah, what’s up?” she answered. She was facing the closet, her left arm burdened with new clothes that had nowhere to hang.
“Thanks,” I mumbled.
“For what?” she asked. She stood up on her tiptoes to push a box to the side that was sitting at the top of her half of the closet.
“Thanks for putting up with my shit, and getting me to my finals, and forcing me to eat and all the other stuff you’ve done for me.”
“Ahhh … that’s what best bitches are for,” she answered. Pushing something else out of the way caused a bunch of crap to crash down from the top shelf, landing beside her. I couldn’t help laughing because it was pretty freaking comical to watch. “Wait, what was that?” Dani asked as she turned to face me. “Was that a laugh from Debbie Doomsday?”
“Why do all your names for me start with a D?”
“Prolly ’cause my name starts with a D,” she replied with a shrug. After facing the closet again, she turned back to me. “How do you feel about donating some of your closet real estate to a very worthy cause?”
***
“I’m done with men,” I announced to Dani. We were sipping our morning cappuccinos in the breakfast nook of her parents’ beach house. Yes, it was spring break and somehow, Dani had managed to convince me to tag along. Nonetheless, I couldn’t say I felt much better than I had a week ago.
“Hmm, this is big news,” Dani said while reaching across the table for a croissant. I couldn’t eat anything because the coffee was doing a good job of filling me up. “Are you thinking of joining Cindy and Adrienne’s group then?”
Cindy and Adrienne, so it was rumored, had started a fling of their own under the roof of the ZTS house. Though neither of them had ever openly announced their sexual preference toward members of the same sex, all the signs were there. Everyone simply assumed there was something going on between the two of them, but it remained one of those don’t ask-don’t tell kind of things.
“I’ve considered it,” I answered, although it was about as far from the truth as it could possibly be. But I was sick of Dani screwing with me, without screwing right back with her.
“Um, what?” Dani replied, dropping her jaw and giving me the unenviable view of her half-chewed wad of croissant.
“Yeah, I mean, I’ve always sort of been attracted to women, you know?”
“Uh, no. I don’t know,” Dani replied as she frowned at me.
“Come on, Dan, let’s not pretend here,” I persisted, suddenly finding true enjoyment in something. “You know we’ve always … felt something special for each other?”
“Dude, I don’t swing that way!” she started before swallowing the croissant and gulping down the remains of her coffee. She then looked at me as if I’d sprouted another head.
“Come on,” I continued, even throwing in a wink.
“Um, Nik, I love you … I really do, but I just don’t … think of you that way,” she answered, her tone serious.
“Neither do I, Dani! Jesus!” I railed back at her while adamantly shaking my head. I couldn’t hold back the huge smile that immediately took hold of my face even though I wasn’t sure if I should be more offended that she believed me or that she wasn’t interested.
“Damn, Nik,” Dani said as she started to shake her head and the look of relief pasted itself across her face. “I totally believed you for like a few seconds.”
“You are so freakin’ gullible sometimes.”
“Hey, I have no idea what to think about you anymore,” she replied, holding her hands up as if to protest her innocence. “You definitely haven’t been acting like the Nik I know and love, ahem, in a totally platonic fashion, by the way.”
“Well, that doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly become a lesbian!”
Dani shrugged and reached for another croissant. “Stranger things have happened.”
“Um, not where I’m concerned.” Then I laughed again as I considered it. “You totally thought I had the hots for you!”
“To know me is to love me,” she answered with a shrug.
“I might be messed up right now, but I’m not that desperate,” I laughed.
“Like you could do better than me,” Dani returned.
“Hmmm … you’ve got a point,” I said as I eyed her up and down. “I mean, you are intelligent, classy, sexy and sassy. Maybe I should give it some more thought.”
“Oh, my God! Will you stop it!” Dani released that raucous laugh of hers before her eyes settled on the clock above the couch in the living room. “We gotta get a move-on. The penises will be arriving on the beach anytime now! We still need to get suited up and ready to throw our nets out.”
“Ugh,” I grumbled, shaking my head. I wasn’t interested in catching anything, least of all stray penises. Nor was I the least bit ready to catch gonorrhea, syphilis, or some other equally enticing social disease.
***
I wasn’t sure how Dani had convinced me, but I found myself lying on the beach, clad in her blue and yellow striped bikini and my big floppy hat. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the penises were frolicking in the waves, and I wished I could be anywhere but here.
“That one looks good,” Dani said as she pointed at some muscular guy who was bodysurfing in the waves in front of us. “You see him?” she asked as she turned to face me when I didn’t comment.
“I don’t care,” I answered as I leaned up on my elbows and tried to find the guy she was talking about. “They all look the same from here. How can you even see his face?”
“Who gives a shit about his face?” she frowned back at me. “Do you see that body? I could probably see those muscles from Mars.”
“Oh, God,” I grumbled as I lay back down and covered my face with my hat. “Why don’t you go talk to him?”
“’Cause that’s not how it goes,” she answered with authority. “I just gave him a little wave and a smile and now it’s his responsibility to come to me.”
“Let me know how that works out for you.”
“Well,” she started before pausing dramatically. “It seems to have worked out well, because he is now on his way.”
I had to admit I was both surprised and impressed. “Wow, look at you,” I answered.
“Act casual,” she continued.
“How’s this?” I responded while not bothering to sit up or take my hat off. “I mean, there’s nothing more casual than sleeping, right?” Dani didn’t respond, but seconds later the sounds of heavy footfalls in the sand interrupted the quiet.
“Hi,” Dani said in her best sexy voice. I had to admit she was pretty good at this stuff.
“Hey,” the deep voice responded. “How you girls doin’?”
Hmm, so it seemed Dani had attracted a caveman. I imagined this would be an interesting exchange.
“We’re fine,” she answered. “What’s your name, handsome?”
“Harvey.”
I tried to keep my snicker to myself, but a little bit of it escaped.
“I’m Dani,” she said as she swatted my thigh. “And my very rude friend here who won’t take off her hat to say hello is Nikki.”
“That’s cool,” Harvey the Caveman said, and I could have sworn he grunted.
“Hi,” I said, still not bothering to remove my hat or even open my eyes.
“You have any friends with you?” Dani asked as my stomach dropped.
“No friends needed,” I responded immediately. “I’m good at entertaining myself.”
“Um, no, I don’t have any friends with me,” Harvey said, sounding confused, probably by my overt friendliness. “I’m here with my cousin.”
“He a dude?” Dani asked.
“No, she’s a she and her name is Shelley,” Harvey answered.
“Oh,” Dani said, sounding disappointed.
“Cool,” I piped up. “Shelley sounds good to me. I’m all about the womenfolk.”
There was an uncomfortable pause. “Is she,” Harvey started, his tone of voice dubious.
“No, she’s not a lesbian,” Dani responded with a laugh. “She’s just going through a breakup.”
“Damn, Dani, do you have to broadcast my business to the whole world?” I asked, suddenly irritated. I could just imagine Harvey returning to the cave and updating the rest of the Neanderthals about Nikki’s hopeless dating career. And then they’d start trying to make fire or something.
“Dude, sorry,” Dani responded, sounding offended. “I didn’t know it was a secret.”
“Well, Ima go swim for a little while longer,” Harvey suddenly announced, obviously uncomfortable with our little tiff. “But you free later?”
“Sure,” Dani answered. “We’re staying at the little white bungalow up there,” she said, and I imagined she was probably pointing to her parents’ beach house.
“Just hit us up later.”
“Cool,” Harvey replied as the sound of his retreating footsteps met my ears.
“Hmm,” I started. “I didn’t know Cro-Magnon Man could swim?” I felt Dani swat my thigh as I pulled away from her. “You think it’s instinctual, like how a dog knows how to swim?”
“Haha, Nikki,” she grumbled. “You didn’t have to be so rude.”
“You didn’t have to have such a big mouth,” I responded with no amount of apology. “I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.”
“Point taken,” she answered. “Didn’t mean to make you mad.”
“You didn’t,” I said with a sigh and tipped the brim of my hat up so I could look at her. “So … was Prehistoric Man cute?”
“Super cute,” she answered with a huge grin. “I hope he comes by later.”
“Me too!” I answered with feigned excitement. “Maybe he can tell us all about what the Neolithic period was like!”
***
As it turned out, Harvey did end up coming over. As soon as the sun set, I turned in to read for a while in my guest bedroom, and seconds later I heard the sound of his deep voice and Dani’s much lighter one. It was probably thirty minutes after that that I heard other sounds. These sounds were more along the lines of Dani’s headboard banging into the wall as Harvey grunted and she moaned … loudly.
I couldn’t say I was annoyed by what was obviously going on next door, but I did decide to put my headphones on so I could pay better attention to my book, the title of which I’d already forgotten.
While the headphones drowned out the moaning, they didn’t do much for the incessant pounding of the headboard against the wall, and I found it increasingly difficult to pay attention to my book. In fact, I’d read the sentence I was currently on three times already and I still couldn’t say I had any idea what it meant.
I sighed as I took my headphones off and stared out the window, watching the moonlight ripple against the waves. Maybe this was what my life was now reduced to—attempting to read while my best friend got nailed in the next bedroom.