Reid
It’s been six days since I ended up in this fucking hellhole. Five of those days, I’ve been drugged, assessed by doctors, drugged again, and assessed by even more doctors. I got so pissed off that on the third day, I lashed out at one of the doctors, causing a load of men in white coats to come in and give me a shot.
A psychotic break. That’s what they’re calling it. I had a psychotic break brought on by the fact that I can’t come to terms with what I did to Scarlet.
She’s dead.
I know that now. In the last couple of days, after apologising to the doctor, I’ve been allowed to be lucid enough to realise what I did. In my own mind, I had convinced myself again that Mercy was Scarlet. I had raped—again—just like I did with Scarlet.
I convinced myself—hell, I still convince myself—that it was her. She smelt the same, she felt the same, and her pussy was just how I remembered it with the exception that it was tighter. But I realise now that it was tight because she didn’t want me there. She was tight because she was trying to fight the fucking monster inside of me.
And I am a fucking monster. No doubt about that. She made me into a monster. I’m sure of it. I know it sounds crazy, but I still wonder if it wasn’t her all along, orchestrating this whole thing for me to wind up where I am.
And I’d hardly be surprised if that was the case. This is—by far—worse than any prison I could have ended up in. During the day, I live with crazy talk. Men walk around the halls and threaten to kill me because I look like Jason Voorhees from Halloween. This one guy said it, and now they’re all convinced I’m him. When I tried asking how I could look like him when he wears a mask, the guy that convinced them said not to look at me or I’d stab them in their sleep.
And at night. Fuck me, the screams at night. It goes on and on and on until my head bursts. I keep conjuring up scenarios in my mind that the men in white coats have them tied to a table as they perform torture methods on them. I know it’s all bullshit, but I still can’t stop myself from imagining it.
The only person I miss and now can’t stop thinking about is Mercy. For the last six days, I’ve been begging and begging them to contact her and ask her to come here, so I can apologise. I know she’s not pressed charges, and I can’t understand why she’s protecting me again. After everything I’ve done to her, somehow, she still cares.
“You got a cigarette?” I ask my inmate, Charlie. That’s another thing I’ve taken up since being in this hellhole. It allows me a few minutes of calm away from the madness of this place. When he scoots up further along his bed, his eyes dart in every direction but mine, and I say, “Hey, Charlie. I was talking to you. Got a cigarette?” When he starts frantically playing with his fingers, I get up. He still hasn’t answered me, and he’s still avoiding eye contact.
Once I reach his bed, I lean forward. He scoots up further. “What the fuck’s going on? Why won’t you look at me?”
“Donald said not to. He said you’ll stab me in my sleep.”
Donald’s the fucking troublemaker who’s convinced everyone I’m Jason. I sigh. “And where do you think I’m going to get a knife from in this place? Besides, I can’t be Jason. Jason wears a mask.” I try reasoning with him, but just like all the others, it doesn’t work. “Fucking crazy bastards,” I mutter under my breath. Then, I think of something. “Okay, Charlie, I’ll tell you what. If you don’t give me a cigarette, I will turn into Jason and stab you in your sleep tonight.”
That gets him up and running towards his little cupboard. Shakily, he gets out a cigarette and hands it to me without looking me in the eye.
I start laughing, and as I do, one of the wardens comes in, knocking on our door as he does. “Valentine, you have a visitor.”
My heart rate picks up. “Who is it?” I ask, hoping and praying it’s her.
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Some hot doctor. I don’t remember her name. I just remember her legs.”
Mercy came. She fucking came for me.
I don’t waste any more time. Tucking my cigarette in my tracksuit bottoms pocket for now, I follow the warden out to the visiting room.
As I take the walk down the hall, I feel the smile creep up. My first genuine smile since I came into this hellhole. But then, as suddenly as it had come, it has disappears as I remember what I did to her. My poor, innocent Mercy.
I just hope she can forgive me.