Scarlet
It’s a Sunday afternoon when it all happens.
I’m sitting on the sofa flicking through the channels when I hear glass shattering in David’s office. I’m about to get up and find out if he’s okay when he suddenly bursts the door open.
“I’m going out,” he says, anger written all over his face. His body is rigid, and his teeth are gritted so tightly together that I almost think he’s going to break them.
Before I can even ask, he’s grabbing his coat along with his car keys, and he’s out the door.
As the silence becomes deafening, I stand there for a few seconds, wondering what the hell has happened. I look across to his study door and notice it’s still open.
Walking—or rather waddling—towards his office, I step through only to find shards of glass on the floor by his desk. Amber liquid coats the area where the glass is scattered. As I scan the area further, I notice a crumpled piece of paper lying on the floor near the debris.
Walking as gently across the room as possible, I scoot down to retrieve the piece of paper with my finger tips. A lot of it is wet from the scotch he’s spilt, so I’m hoping it’s not completely ruined. Whatever’s in there was enough to piss him off so much that he’s just disappeared to God knows where.
As I carefully rise back up using the edge of David’s desk for support, I lay the piece of paper on the table and smooth it out as much as I can. It’s the paternity results. I scan my eyes down to the most crucial point when they land on the results.
I gasp.
My waters break.
“Fuck!” I scream, realising I’m in labour. “Of all the fucking times!” My head spins, I stumble, but luckily I catch myself before I fall. “David,” I whisper, now knowing why he must be mad. He should have stayed. He should have told me. Now he’s out there all alone and upset. There’s no telling what he’s going to do.
As I stumble towards the door to fetch my phone, a surge of pain shoots through me. It’s so bad that I have to use the doorframe for support. Gripping onto it, I let the contraction ride itself out before taking another deep breath, and gently walk towards the coffee table where my phone is. I quickly light it, dialling David’s number, but as I expected, it goes to voicemail. I leave a message to let him know the baby’s coming, and then I dial my midwife. I don’t want to go to hospital. I hate hospitals. If I can avoid it at all costs, then I will.
Thankfully, I have better luck getting through to my midwife, Janet, than I do David. She delightfully tells me to hang on in there and that she’ll only be twenty minutes.
Twenty fucking minutes.
I think I’ll die of this pain in twenty minutes.
“Fucking hell!” I screech as another contraction robs me of sight. Why the fuck do women have these things if they cause so much pain?
I’m all alone.
And I’m scared.
So fucking scared.
I need David, and that thought makes me angry inside. I don’t normally need anyone, but right now I need him more than the air I breathe. Between the contractions, I try dialling his number again, but again, it goes to voicemail. I’m so angry that I fling the phone across the room and watch as it smashes into two pieces.
And then another contraction comes.
“Shiiiiitt!” I scream as I use the edge of the coffee table to help ride out the pain. I’m gripping onto the fucking thing so tightly that my knuckles are turning white. I watch that as I remember what my midwife told me. I have to breathe through it. A bit hard to do when I’m in so much agony. How can such a little being cause so much pain?
I don’t know how much minutes go by, but it feels like hours when the doorbell finally rings, and I answer to find my midwife at the ready with all her bags and equipment.
She takes a peak around. “Where’s Daddy?”
“He’s out. I’ve tried to call him, but it keeps going to voicemail.”
She quickly finds the offending phone on the floor and smiles. “Don’t worry. I’m here now. I’m sure Daddy won’t be long once he realises he’s becoming a father for the first time.”
I have no time to answer as pain shoots up my back. I scream again—more loudly this time as I grip the edge of the door.
Janet springs into action, dropping her things and gently rubbing my back. “Remember to breathe. Copy my breathing, honey. That’s it.” She carries on rubbing my back as I try to keep up her steady breathing. “When this one’s over I’ll check to see how much you’re dilated, okay?” I nod my head because that’s all I can do. I’m in too much fucking agony to say anything.
Although I have a few choice words for David.
As I start to calm, Janet bends over to face me. “It’s easing off now, yes?” I nod my head. “Okay, good. Let’s get you comfortable. Have a seat on the sofa for me and I’ll take a look.” She leads me to the sofa where I lie flat. “Right, let’s just raise your skirt a little.” I scoot up, and that’s when another contraction starts. I scream out in agony.
Janet’s eyes widen. “Oh, boy. We have no time to get you anywhere. You’re fully dilated.”
Now it’s my turn to widen my eyes. “What?!” I screech. “But David’s not here yet.” I’m going to kill him when I see him.
“Your baby’s ready to be born, honey. I’m sorry.”
She offers me a sympathetic stare, but it’s the last thing on my mind as another contraction rips through me. I can feel it. The urge to push like I’m dying to get a large turd out.
“I’m not ready to be a mother,” I whine. I knew I wasn’t ready, but now that I know the baby’s coming, I’m even more convinced.
“You’ll be fine. I’m sure you’ll be. You don’t know how many times I’ve heard the exact same words come out of a mother’s mouth. Now, scoot up. I need to place some towels underneath you.”
Raising my hip, she scoots a few towels underneath my hips. I’ve barely placed them back down when another contraction comes. “Shit, I want to push.”
“Well, push!” Janet shouts, squeezing my knee.
Just as I start pushing, a loud bang sounds alerting me to David’s return. “Scarlet!” he shouts, panic in his voice.
“She’s in here, Dad. Come quick, you’re about to meet your son or daughter.”
My contraction subsides as David strolls in. He looks harassed. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are panicked. He runs over by my side and kneels down to grab my hand. In an instant, he’s stroking my hair. “I’m so fucking sorry,” he says, guilt written all over his face.
“You’re here now,” I reply.
He smiles, but then it quickly disappears. He looks across at Janet. “Isn’t she too early to be having the baby? She has another three weeks yet.”
Janet glances my way before answering. “As long as the baby’s past thirty-six weeks, it’s fine. The last weigh-in showed the baby to be a healthy six pounder.” She beams.
“You make the baby sound like a hamburger,” David jokes.
She laughs at that, and is about to retort when another contraction comes. Grabbing David’s hand, I scream out again.
“Push, baby,” David encourages, squeezing my hand back.
With as much strength as I can muster, I push and I push, and I push. Once the contractions subside, I close my eyes. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“Yes you can!” both David and Janet say together.
I have no time to argue back as another contraction rips through me. “I want this baby out of me!” I push again, and this time I scream out channelling all my energy into getting this baby out as soon as possible.
“That’s it!” Janet cries, smiling. “I can see the baby’s head. Look, Dad. Come see.”
David scoots down, his eyes widening once he sees the head. Then, a big smile emerges. “The baby has hair. Lots of dark hair.”
“Really?” I screech. I don’t have time to dwell on this as pretty soon another contraction comes.
“Come on, you can do it. One more push, and then the baby’s head will be out. That’s always the hardest part.”
I push again, and with each encouraging word from David and Janet, it gives me the strength to keep going.
“That’s it!” Janet shouts.
Tears form in David’s eyes as he looks down at his baby. “Oh my God, baby, he’s beautiful. Just like his mum.”
“It’s a boy?” I ask.
Janet smirks up to David. “I just sense he is,” David responds.
Another contraction rips through me. Janet taps my knee. “One more push and he’s out. Come on, Mum. You can do it!”
Now, she’s also calling the baby a he. What’s that about?
I have no time to dwell as the pain forces me into action. I push, and I push, and I can feel the baby come away. Relief washes over me when it’s all over, and I hear the baby cry.
“It’s a boy!” Janet cries, smiling from ear to ear. “A healthy baby boy. Well done, Mum.”
I beam up at David, who’s now crying. He leans forward, kissing my forehead. “I’m so proud of you.”
Emotions wash over me as David soothingly strokes my hair. He’s looking at me like I’m the only woman in the world right now.
“Do you want to cut the cord, Dad?” Janet asks, offering him the scissors.
David looks at me and I nod, encouraging him to do it. Considering he’s going to be the father, it’s only natural he should cut the cord.
I see him snip as Janet wraps up my baby in a towel and hands him over to me all fresh. She must have wiped him down.
As he coos and wriggles in my arms, I look down into my beautiful baby’s eyes. David was right. He is beautiful. He has a mass of black hair, a beautiful button nose, and wide brown eyes. As he opens his hand, I place my finger inside and when he grips, something monumental happens inside of me.
It’s then I know that nothing in this world matters other than this baby.
For the first time in my life, I’ve fallen in love.
And I know that this feeling is real.
“Do you have a name for him?”
David says no at the same time as I nod my head. David frowns, looking down at me. “You thought of a name?”
I nod. “Just now. I know the perfect name for him. I hope you feel the same way.”
“What is it?” he asks with apprehension written all over his face.
“James,” I answer, knowing it’ll bring a smile to his face.
“My middle name,” he replies. “Are you sure?”
I nod again. “Sure, I’m sure. You are his father. It’s only right he has a name that’s part of you.”
David laughs and with it fresh tears slide down his face. He kisses me tenderly on the forehead again before saying, “I love it.” Another kiss. “And I love you. So much.”
“I saw the letter,” I whisper, knowing this will take the smile away.
Leaning his forehead on mine, he looks down at James before looking up into my eyes. “I already told you, I don’t care about that,” he whispers, kissing me on the lips this time.
I look across at Janet, but she’s busy putting stuff away. I guess she’s allowing us some privacy for a moment. “Where did you go?” I ask, glancing back at David.
He grits his teeth. “I went to speak with my father.”
I frown. “I thought you hadn’t spoken to your father in years?”
“I haven’t.”
“Then what have the paternity results got to do with …” And then it hits me. “Was my mother having an affair with your father?”
David closes his eyes with a nod. “When he ended it, she slept with me in retaliation. I knew he was having an affair, I just didn’t know it was her at the time.”
Shit. This just goes from bad to worse. It sounds as though my mum slept with half the frickin village! I have to laugh yet again at her hypocrisy. If only she was here right now. I’d tell her exactly what I think of her.
“Let me get him cleaned up for you,” Janet says, walking towards me and holding out her hands. I’m surprised at how reluctant I am to let James go. I think she can tell how I’m feeling. “I’ll have him back in your arms in no time,” she says, smiling.
Yeah, she knows.
I smile up at her before offering James. He stirs and starts fretting. Janet starts laughing. “Looks like James doesn’t want to part with Mum either.” She turns to David. “Do you have a baby bath upstairs?”
David nods. “I’ll show you where everything is.”
David leads the way, and I watch as the three of them disappear up the stairs. Immediately, I want James back. It scares me how much I feel for this baby even though he was only born five minutes ago.
As I lay there for however long they’re up there, I start to think about everything that’s happened and everything that will happen in the future. It’s the beginning of May now, but in a month or so, I will be jetting off to Spain to start my revenge on Reid. The thought suddenly leaves a pang in my heart. Five minutes ago, revenge on Reid was the only thought on my mind, but now that James is here, it changes things. Already the thought of leaving him behind so I can fulfil my mission leaves me scared shitless. I know that if I turned around now and told David that I wanted to leave my revenge and emigrate with him to America, he would drop everything, and we’d be on a flight in no time. The easy option would be to have him killed and be done with it.
But the old me knows that’s just way too easy.
“Here he is,” Janet sings, walking towards me with a crying James in her arms. “A very healthy six pounds and twelve ounces.” She bends, offering me James back, and I immediately take him in my arms. As soon as he settles, so does his crying. Janet beams. “See. I knew you’d be a natural at this.” As David walks around her to kneel down next to me, Janet says, “I’m not sure what you’re plan is for feeding him, but do you want to try the breast?”
I look up at David in silent conversation. I would love nothing more than to breastfeed James, but I know I will be leaving him for days at a time shortly.
“Okay,” I answer, knowing I at least want to try. Maybe he can be one of these babies who has both breast and formula.
With a lift of my free hand, I pull the strap of my dress down, along with my bra. My breast bounces free, and I notice David looking rather shy all of a sudden. I almost fall into a fit of giggles.
“Here, let me help,” Janet says, positioning the baby’s head so he can latch on. The moment my nipple grazes his lips, he instinctively opens his mouth and starts sucking.
“Wow,” I say, thinking it all feels really weird, but somehow satisfying at the same time. If the old Scarlet saw me doing this, she’d faint.
“There,” Janet says, settling back in the chair. “You’re a natural.” She then bends down, taking out a pad from her bag. “I’ll be back tomorrow to check on James, but also I’ll get the birth certificate sorted. Can you tell me the full name you want on the birth certificate?”
I look up at David, smiling. “James Bernstein.”
David beams. I knew he would love nothing more than to have his surname on James’ certificate.
“No middle name?” Janet asks with her pen poised.
Shit, I never even thought of that. I look up at David for answers. He bends down, kissing my hand. “I would suggest someone on your side of the family, but they are all …” He pauses for a moment like he’s trying to think of what to say. “Well, I personally don’t want any one of them anywhere near our son.”
The way he says our son so possessively stirs things inside of me. I need to stop this. I’m becoming a pussy.
“I’ve always liked the name Alexander.” And I do, but only because I have a crush on Alexander Skarsgard.
David looks up in deep thought. He then smiles. “James Alexander Bernstein.” He looks down at me. “It’s perfect. I love it.”
“You do?” He nods, causing me to look at Janet. “James Alexander Bernstein it is.”
“Well, that was easy,” she says, jotting it down. “Sometimes parents take an age to even think of a first name, let alone a middle name.” She laughs like she’s remembering all the times it’s happened.
Once she writes down what she needs to, she starts packing things away. “I’m going to leave you to some privacy. I’m sure you’re keen to be alone and bond with James. I’ll come by tomorrow morning at nine, if that’s okay? Until then, I will be a phone call away if you need me.”
David rises. “Thank you, Janet. For everything.”
She waves her hand dismissively. “Ah, it’s no sweat. It’s my job after all.” She looks down at me and then at James who’s still sucking away at my nipple. He’s nearly asleep. “Best job in the world,” she sighs. She then picks up all her bags. “Until tomorrow.”
I nod. “Yes. See you at nine. And thanks.”
She offers a big smile before David leads her out of the house. I hear when the door shuts and he’s back by my side.
“Wow,” is all he says, but I couldn’t have put it more perfectly myself. “That was … unexpected.”
I smirk. “Sorry I didn’t schedule the birth better around your time.”
“Eh,” he responds, smirking. He then bends down and starts fussing around James. “How are you feeling?”
“Tired,” I answer, honestly. “But also euphoric and emotional, and … I don’t know. I can’t put it into words.”
Leaning forward, he kisses me on the lips before laying a kiss on James. “I know exactly how you feel. Now we have this tiny little person to look after. It kind of puts things into perspective.”
I sigh. “It certainly does. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Hell, I’m not sure I’m ready now. But I know I’ll give it my best shot.”
“I have every faith in you,” David answers, stroking my hair. “One thing’s for certain and that is we will make sure this little one never goes without. He’s our son, and he will forever be our son.” He then smirks at something he’s just thought about. “Maybe one day I can convince you to have a daughter.” My eyes widen and he laughs. “I knew that would get a rise out of you.”
“I’ve barely given birth, and already you have me knocked up again.”
“Fuck, that makes my dick stiff. I love you being pregnant. And I’d also love nothing more than to come inside you so many times that you fall pregnant again.”
“You’re such a caveman!” I complain, smirking.
“You love it really. I’ll leave it for now, but just so you know, after a couple of years … once we’re settled in the States, I’ll be revisiting this conversation.” He looks down at my breast, groaning. “Maybe even before.”
Biting my lip, I think about that and about everything that’s happened today.
“She slept with my uncle too.”
My head snaps up to his. “Please tell me you’re kidding?”
He shakes his head. “According to my dad, she threatened to get him back by sleeping with every member of his family. He thought she was bluffing. He was wrong.”
Shit. When my mum gets pissed, she doesn’t take her revenge halfway. Maybe I am my mother’s daughter after all. It makes me laugh.
“What’s so funny?” David asks, frowning.
“Nothing,” I answer, smiling up at him. “I don’t care about my mum right now. I’m too happy.” I look down at James sleeping peacefully at my breast.
“Marry me.”
My eyes snap to his, which are imploring me. I don’t know what to say. What can I say? I’m not marriage material? I’ll only end up breaking your heart? I don’t know if any of that’s true, but my past doesn’t exactly hold up much hope for my future.
When I’m about to answer this, he says, “Look, I know you’re hesitant, and I know it’s because you feel unworthy, but by fuck, Scarlet, you’re not. I don’t know what’s going to happen in a few years, but all I do know is if we’re serious about raising James together and we are committed to that for the rest of our lives, then why shouldn’t we be committed to each other as well?”
I bite my lip, thinking about what he’s just said. He’s right. Of course he’s right. If we are going to do something as serious as raising a baby, then why not get married?
I don’t know what to think. All I do know is I’ve just had a baby. My heart, my head, and my emotions are all over the place. I’m trying to think logically, but it’s all a muddle.
“Don’t worry about it now,” he finally says, smiling. “There’s no pressure. We’ll talk about it another time.” He gently sweeps the hair away from my eyes before landing his gaze on James. He smiles the most adoring smile as he grazes his finger along his cheek. All I do is watch in awe as he dotingly fusses over his son.
And James is his son.
It doesn’t matter that they don’t biologically match. That’s just genetics at the end of the day. Just by looking at him, I know he’s going to be the best dad a son could ever ask for.
And it’s in that moment, staring at David, that it dawns on me. “Okay,” I sigh, watching David flit his eyes from James to me.
“What?”
I smile. “I’ll marry you.”