Chapter
2

I inhaled the warm, comforting scent of butter as the kernels popped inside their glass casing, turning into fluffy, white popcorn for the moviegoers. Nothing quite competed with going to the movies. College was my only out from the horrors at home, the sick way I performed, and the nasty things I had to do.

Dance for me, pretty girl. Wouldn’t want Tamara to disappear.

I swallowed my fear and soaked up the scents inside the movie theater. No, I didn’t want my best friend, my only friend, to disappear. I danced, and played with poisonous pleasure to keep her alive.

Then, I’d received an envelope telling me about my father’s money.

Two million dollars, all for me, once I graduated college or turned twenty-five. Just three more years for both deadlines. It would give Tamara and I the escape we’d always wanted, we’d always dreamed of. She wouldn’t have to watch with vacant eyes while I bore the brunt of our punishment. She wouldn’t have to wish to die anymore.

And the protection of marriage would keep my family from stealing it from me.

“Hey, baby, the line’s moving.”

Matt tugged on the end of my ponytail before he pushed me gently forward in the line. Quarterback of the football team and poised to get drafted to the NFL if he kept his game up, Matthew Hughes was the big, blond, blue-eyed package every girl in school wanted.

Except me—and he was mine.

Fucked up, I know.

But a name like his, Ryder University royalty with their alumni status, could give me a lot of protection. I needed it more than I needed him. I’d do anything to save the girl who’d tried to save me so many years ago and found herself trapped in the web.

“I don’t need to pay attention if I have you,” I told him. His soft lips were feather-light against my brow as he leaned in for a kiss. I steeled myself for the taste of him. I didn’t like it when he kissed me. Too soft or too kind, I wasn’t sure which, but my heart slowed and I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from wincing.

“Only a few more semesters until you can really be mine.”

More than a few—six to be exact. Six before I had to give myself to him as promised.

His breath raced over the shell of my ear and sent a cringe down my spine. He’d been so patient with me as we planned our future together—marriage, children, where we’d apply to for our Master’s programs if he didn’t get drafted first—everything, because he understood the hell I went through at home and why I couldn’t have sex just yet. He respected my wish to be married before we went any further, and we fell in love sweet and easy.

That was a lie.

He fell in love sweet and easy, and I smiled and wished it were true for me. Broken things like me didn’t deserve love.

“When are we going to tell everyone else we’re engaged?” he asked. Matt beamed down at me, his vivid blue eyes sparkling with love and hope.

I didn’t want to ruin that for him. Didn’t want to stain him with desires he wouldn’t be able to understand and dreams of mine that would only be nightmares for him. But I needed him, needed the money that would protect my life, and his family name to give Tamara and I some sort of normalcy.

So I swallowed the darkness.

“Tell us what?” Jan asked.

“Always the one in the right place at the right time,” Matt said, laughing.

Jan twitched her small, upturned nose and rolled her eyes. Her springy black hair coiled around her head before she tamed it into a ponytail as we stepped up in line. “Not my problem I’m gifted with great timing. So? Tell us what?”

Not yet.

“Ash and I are going to get married after college. Show them the ring, baby,” Matt said.

I pulled on the warm, silver chain around my neck until the engagement ring Matt had bought me fell into my hand. White gold, with a solitary diamond in the center, even the ring screamed at me this was all wrong. I was a liar, the ring told me. A cruel, heartless bitch, just like my mother. I ignored it and pushed the ring toward Jan as she spun her boyfriend, Blake, around to look.

“Holy shit,” Blake said. He whistled. “Looks like it cost a pretty penny.”

“Doesn’t matter. My girl’s worth it,” Matt answered. “NFL draft or not.”

“Yeah,” Jan said, elbowing Blake in the stomach. “His girl is worth it.”

“Uh oh,” I said.

“Don’t start, Jan. I told you when we get some cash saved up we’d get you a ring.”

“You guys are engaged, too?” I squeaked. Jan hadn’t told me this.

She blushed scarlet before she slapped Blake’s arm. “I know what you told me, but they didn’t. I was acting like they’d expect.”

“Sorry, Janice.”

Blake only said her full name when he was in trouble. He wasn’t the best-looking guy in the world, but he would make her happy. If I could, I’d give Jan the ring—and Matt, too—but Matt was my ticket out. Tamara’s blank, lost stare filled my eyes, and I swallowed against tears. I’d gotten good at faking—smiles, laughter, pleasure, and pain. Anything I needed to do to survive. Matt was my sanctuary, and I couldn’t let him go. As cruel as it was.

I would be good to him, no matter what. He deserved that, at least.

I pulled my ring out of Jan’s hand and moved to tuck it back in my shirt before Matt stopped me.

“No use hiding it now, huh? I want to see it on you.”

No.

“Yeah, you’re right babe,” I said instead.

I smiled and pulled the ring off the necklace before I slid it on my finger, the glint from the diamond catching my eye for a moment. The sudden weight of it on my finger pulsed through me, and I couldn’t breathe. The world closed in. I could hear them all—the needs from my junkie mother, my worthless brother, and his ex-con friend who wanted to “play.” The expectations of my teachers when I struggled through their courses, memorizing drivel so I passed and made a better life for myself. The life I’d ruined just because I’d wanted a friend.

Away. I needed to get away from it all.

Trace would find a way to ruin this; I just knew it.

“Ash? Are you okay?”

No, no, I was not okay. I was breaking. How fucking like my selfish family was I to keep Matt on a string when I couldn’t love him because it was impossible for me to see anyone beyond their uses? I stumbled back from him, a wheeze trapped in my throat, Matt’s dreams and hopes burning around my finger.

I’m just as bad as they are.

“Ashlyn, wait.”

Too late, I was already stumbling away, breaking through the crowds so I could breathe. Space. I needed space and a chance to piece this all back together. I’d be fine in just a few moments, if I just held on. I had to hold on.

Without Matt, I would fall back down a black hole and never get out, and Tamara wouldn’t have any hope of escape. But with him, I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror. Which would be fucking better: to keep him and be dammed, or be dammed for leaving?

Outside, in the sparsely populated area, I bumped into a hard frame. Large, warm hands gripped my arms to steady me, and I could breathe. I took a gulp of air, an apology on my tongue as I looked up, and up, at the man who held me.

“I’m …”

My voiced trailed away, swallowed up in the darkness of his gaze. His features were cold—from the hard press of his lips, surrounded by a dark beard, to the stern line of his nose. His olive skin blended into dark hair, short on the top of his head in a gentle wave and wiry around his face. I’d never found a man with a full beard sexy before, but this man, his strong fingers digging into my skin, rendered me silent. A slow, cruel smile spread over his face as cold chills raced down my spine and my toes went numb.

After Jason, I knew men who smiled like that. I understood the anger and repressed danger in those gazes. They led to nights of burning pain and dangerous pleasures I tried hard to wipe from my memory. I’d been wired that way, taught to enjoy the bite of a fist and a cock shoving in places it shouldn’t. It wasn’t real. Matt was. His soft touch and his loving kisses. That was what I should crave, what I should need. Right? I was such a fractured little toy.

“Hey, man, I’m sorry,” I heard Matt say from far away. The darkness around us swelled until nothing else mattered but olive skin and dark eyes.

“Go into the restroom and wait for me,” the bearded man said.

His voice. Warmth seeped through me, each of my veins exploding with rich, oxygen-filled blood until I was lightheaded. A heartbeat, that’s what his voice was. A heartbeat you felt rather than heard. His fingers squeezed harder, his short nails cutting into my flesh, and I sucked in a breath.

“If I have to repeat myself, your little boy-toy here will get hurt. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Oh, and Trace sends his regards.”

No, I wouldn’t want Matt hurt. And Trace, he knew I couldn’t say no to him. If this man came to collect me, he’d be dangerous enough to make sure I went. Collateral damage wouldn’t matter.

No, please no.

I just needed a few more semesters—a short time and my life would belong to me. I’d have what I needed to give back to the one person who deserved it. The nameless man stepped into me, his threat implied in his steel grip and dead gaze.

Go, he told me, or I’ll hurt people.

On shaky legs, God help me, I did as he demanded. I walked away from Matt, Jan, and Blake, never looking back as I stalked to the bathroom. I even ignored Jan’s call, a heat between my legs that was dirty and wrong. Outside a movie theater, I lost my senses.

They wouldn’t understand. Tamara meant everything, even more than my life.