Chapter 25

Will

I watched Avery through the door to his bedroom. He ran around his room playing with his airplanes. I hadn’t been as attentive to him as I should have been, and that was mainly because I couldn’t get Ella out of my head. She was there when I woke up in the morning, when I did anything in the apartment, and then when I lay in bed at night. I needed closure regarding the whole thing because it was interrupting every part of my life. I just kept thinking about the conversation we had at the Christmas ball. In reality, it hadn’t been a conversation at all. It was her unleashing on me again, not that I didn’t deserve it. If I was even half as up and down with her in real life as I was in my head, then I knew I was driving her crazy. She was so damn frustrating, though, never wanting to hear me out at all. She kept going back to the same thing over and over again, and she never wanted to hear my side. Sure, I had no idea what I wanted, but she wasn’t making it any easier for me to figure it out.

On top of all that, I was starting to think maybe Ella was right. Maybe there was a reason for her to be so angry. I kept denying what she was saying, but I wondered if I’d been thinking of the whole thing in the wrong way. Ella was amazing, but there were times when I got so wound up that I thought of her as more of a fantasy and a replacement for my wife than someone I liked in her own right. But I knew deep down that I cared about her for her, not as a replacement. Still, that had to be incredibly frustrating for Ella on so many levels.

“Daddy,” Avery said, running from his room. “This plane’s wing fell off.”

“Oh no,” I said, drawn from my thoughts. “Let me fix it.”

Avery’s winter break from school started tomorrow, and he would be off until after Christmas. I loved having him home, but that posed a serious issue when it came to childcare. I thought my mother would be the answer, but it was impossible with her so far away. When Ella showed up, she was my first thought, but now I wasn’t so sure. My mother was going to watch him part of the time, but the rest was still up in the air. I hoped that despite everything that was going on between us, Ella would agree to come watch him. I felt safe and comfortable with her watching Avery, and so did he, which was important to me. He didn’t do well with strangers, and the time between him being off and going back to school wasn’t enough for him to get used to someone new. He was a shy kid and didn’t open up to people quickly. Ella was the first person I’d ever seen him grow so attached to.

Ella loved Avery, and I knew if I asked her to watch him and she declined, that would speak volumes about where we were on any sort of reconciliation. If she refused Avery, there was no hope for us, and I didn’t think I was ready to face that yet. The feeling of loss trickled into my chest, and for the first time in my life, it was for someone other than my dead wife. It was for Ella, for what we’d had and what we could have had. I was tired of always feeling this way, but I knew it was my fault, not hers. Either way, she was my last hope for help with Avery, so whether I was ready to feel that loss or not, I had to take the leap.

When I was done fixing Avery’s airplane, I pulled out my phone and scrolled down to Ella’s name. I sat there for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and preparing myself for whatever might be said when I called, if she even answered her phone. I dialed the number and held my breath, waiting for the answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” I said, relieved.

“Hey,” she replied, slightly cold. “What’s up?”

“I, uh, I have a little bit of an issue,” I said. “Avery starts winter break tomorrow, and my mom can’t watch him the whole time. I was wondering if you would be willing to babysit him whenever he isn’t at his grandmother’s. I can give you a definite schedule, and I’ll pay you double since it’s the holidays. I’m kind of at a dead end here with babysitters, and I can’t take any more time off work. Not right now at least.”

She was silent, which I took as a positive sign. It wasn’t a no. She had to be mulling it over. I held my breath, my heart beating wildly, but not from the fear of not having a babysitter for Avery. My fear was much deeper than that. It centered around completely losing contact with Ella.

“Fine,” she said abruptly. “I’ll watch Avery, but I want to make it very clear that I do not want you to even attempt to put the moves on me. The first time you do, I’m gone, and you can find someone else. I hate to punish Avery that way, but I can’t be worrying about that the whole time.”

“No, I completely understand,” I responded. “I promise, you won’t even realize I’m there besides getting caught up on what happened during the day.”

“And I don’t want you to stop looking for someone else,” she said. “I’ll only do it until you can make other arrangements.”

“Understood,” I responded.

I was slightly disappointed that she would only watch him until I could make other arrangements. Normally she would watch him the entire time. I was hoping that once she was here, once she saw I was going to leave her alone, she would change her mind on that. She was the best person for the job, with or without our personal issues, and I wasn’t sure I would be able to find someone else, especially on such short notice and during the Christmas holiday.

I would have to give it a try because she’d made it perfectly clear those were her terms. Ella was bending for Avery, and I had to accept that was all this was and try not to read into it too much. I knew she loved Avery, and this was a sacrifice for her. I also knew she was giving up the little bit of peace and quiet she had before the end of the school year to watch a rambunctious first grader, and that was going to be a sacrifice as well.

“Thank you, Ella,” I said. “I’ll see you in the morning then.”

“All right,” she said before hanging up.

I sighed as I hung up the phone. I went and got Avery ready to have dinner with my mom. She was going to meet us right outside the city to have a nice dinner before I had to start a new week at work. I was glad I was going to see my mom. I was finally going to open up to someone about my feelings for Ella and just how hard everything was. I needed someone who would tell it to me straight, and that was my mom. She was always honest with me about these things.

“Mom,” I said, taking a bite of my food, “I think that when Megan died, I let myself fall so far away from any kind of future beyond her that I feel like it’s impossible. When Ella came into my life, I didn’t even entertain the idea of having anything long term. I think, though, that she is half right. While I do have feelings for her as a person, I ignored those and just used her presence to fill a void that was there from Megan’s death. It’s like a double-edged sword. Either way, I wanted to be with Ella, but I was taking it down the wrong route, which I’m pretty sure has ruined any chance I have of actually having something meaningful with her. She now thinks that the only reason I want to be with her is because of that void. I’m pretty sure that screwed everything up past the point of no return this time, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, Son, sometimes we make choices without thinking about the long-term repercussions,” she said. “But do you know what the difference is between choosing someone to fill a void and choosing someone because you truly care about them?”

“What?”

“It’s what you think about when you go to make decisions that involve them,” she said. “When you’re filling the void, you’re making the decisions that make you feel good. When you’re making decisions that include the person you truly care about, you’re making those decisions based on them and their feelings about things. I don’t want you to give up on Ella. There may still be a chance for you to redeem yourself.”

“But how?” I asked. “I mean, she won’t even talk to me or listen to what I have to say.”

“Well, the first thing you need to do is, when interacting with Ella, start making choices based on what Ella wants, not just how Ella makes you feel,” she said. “You’ll be surprised how much someone’s attitude changes when they see they’re important enough in your life for you to put their needs and their feelings above your own. I mean, what can it hurt? We should all be doing that when it comes to the people we love in our life. Selflessness is one of the biggest characteristics of someone with strong inner morality. I know you have that in you.”

That made a lot of sense. Ella always acted based on how I felt or how Avery felt, not on what made her feel good. This whole time it had never occurred to me that when I made a choice based on what Ella wanted or needed, it would make me feel good as well, even if I didn’t get immediate satisfaction from it. That right there was how I knew I cared for Ella beyond just sex and fun. I knew that if making choices that benefitted her made me feel full and well, then I cared for Ella on a whole other level than I was realizing.

I had to start doing just that, putting Ella’s need and wants above my own. I knew it was one of the things she desperately wanted to see from me. If she saw that and felt my genuine care for her, it would open her up to talking to me again. My father had always told me that actions spoke louder than words, but I’d never really understood that until now. I may have sat there and told Ella I cared, but I’d never shown her anything other than jealousy, possessiveness, and selfishness. No wonder she didn’t believe anything I said. I wouldn’t want to keep pursuing something with me either if I were Ella. I had made a huge mess out of all of this, but I was slightly more hopeful now that I could fix it.