Chapter 27

Will

I woke up the next day with so many feelings rolling around inside me. That sex had been different than anything I had experienced with Ella before. It had been gentle, serene, and extremely powerful. I was upset, though, because I hadn’t really gotten the chance to talk with her, to find out exactly what she was feeling and where her head was. I wanted to know what she needed and what she wanted so I could make my decisions revolve around that and not around what would satisfy me in the moment. But like every other time, I hadn’t been able to control myself long enough to find anything out. Admittedly, my mind had been completely focused on her satisfaction during the whole thing, and her body had been just so ripe and ready.

There was absolutely no question that I loved to have sex with her. I had been hooked before I was even done the first time. Her body was so amazing, and the way we moved in sync, it was like we were made for each other. Every time we gave in to our urges and just let go, it was an absolutely mind-blowing experience. She had been different this time, and I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I had been barely able to contain myself. I had tried hard to last as long as I could for her benefit. I had felt like I was with her when we’d had sex. Even though there had been an incredible amount of lust and passion, we had moved in a way that was more like making love than fucking. I hadn’t made love to anyone since Megan, and I thought I would feel guilty about that, but I didn’t. In fact, I felt better about everything that had to do with Megan. That deep, dark angst inside me was gone, and it was baffling.

I tried to think of all the things I loved about Ella, but there were so many. She truly was amazing in so many ways. Usually when you met a woman or dated one, you could clearly pinpoint the ways she was amazing as well as the ways she was not. With Ella, the possibilities were endless. There was a list a mile long of all the things that made her a creature I couldn’t get away from, and there was a short list of the things that were hard to deal with. Even those things could be explained away by all the issues and drama she and I had been through since we’d started this tangled mess of a relationship we had. She had a bigger heart than anyone I’d ever met, and she was making me want to be a better man, a man who was worthy of her.

She was truly one of the most gorgeous women I had ever laid my eyes on, and for some reason, after the previous night, she seemed even more beautiful to me. It was like the light inside her was shining through to the outside. The visions I had of her were magnified exponentially. I wanted to rekindle our relationship—there was no doubt about that—but I wanted it to be different. I wanted it to be real, true. I wanted her to feel safe and secure. I wanted her to feel loved for who she was and not who she thought I was trying to mold her into. She was not a distraction, even if I had thought that way in the past. I had just been hiding what I truly felt for her. I loved her, no matter how scary that was. I loved her for her, not for any other reason. I loved everything about her, not just her looks or her body, but all her attributes and all her flaws. It was like a lightbulb was finally going off.

As I made my way to work, I was filled with thoughts of Ella. My mother’s words floated gently into my brain, and I thought about what she had said to me. She had told me that I needed to base my decisions on what Ella needed and wanted, not what would please me. It was crazy to me that I had to even think about this. I hadn’t been so selfish when Megan was alive. I had done everything in the world for her, but when she died, it was like I had closed myself off to the world and became the year-round scrooge. I wondered how the people who knew me saw me now. I wondered if it had been a gradual decline since her death or if I had just woken up and was that way. I honestly couldn’t remember what had happened, but I knew I had been entrenched in depression for so long that coming out on the other side was both relieving and terrifying at the same time.

I knew exactly what I needed to do. It was a realization that had been sitting in the back of my mind since the first time I had started to question my feelings for Ella. It had just been too hard for me to admit it to myself then. I needed to show her that I truly did love her, that she wasn’t just a distraction for me. It was scary, though, especially since I hadn’t loved anyone since Megan. Hell, I hadn’t even been with a woman since Megan until Ella came around. She had opened me up and made me realize I was still alive, that life was still moving past me even if I was scratching and clawing for it to stand still. There was no stopping it, and I could either let it keep passing me by while living in the shadow of Megan’s ghost, or I could take hold of the things that made life worth living. Ella and Avery were the two things in my life that made life worth living and made it important for me to push forward.

The day went by quickly, and although my thoughts were still fixed firmly on Ella, they were light and happy, not dark and frustrating. I found myself smiling for absolutely no reason, and my secretary had asked me at least three times if I was feeling all right. It was kind of sad that I had let go of life so much that everyone had gotten used to me being angry and grouchy. At lunchtime, Brian and I decided to go down the street to a deli and have lunch. He didn’t know what I wanted to talk about, but he knew something was going on.

“So, I slept with Ella again,” I said.

“Nice,” Brian replied, smiling. “So she isn’t icing you out anymore?”

“Not really,” I replied, swallowing hard. “But I realized something. I realized that this whole time, I was cloaking my feelings for her. I know now that I want to pursue something more with Ella. I want to take what we have to the next level.”

“Yikes,” Brian said. “I didn’t really see that coming. I mean, I guess I should have, but I was hoping you hadn’t fallen into that trap.”

“Come on,” I said. “You know that not all women are traps. Megan was fantastic.”

“You’re right,” he said. “Megan was definitely the exception to that rule. She was an amazing woman. So, what do you think your odds are of actually finding two amazing women in one lifetime? You are gambling here, man.”

I chuckled. “I feel like your bitterness has reached a whole new level.”

“Look at what you have, dude,” he said. “You’re fucking a twenty-two-year-old, beautiful, sexy girl who, until now, you were perfectly content with just getting the pussy from and moving on. Then you fell into the trap, man. That trap that women set out to lure you in and snag you before you can even realize how bad of an idea it is. Then, before you know it, you’re stuck with some woman you want to strangle most of the time.”

“Brian,” I said, looking him in the eye. “I’ve known you a long time, and until your wife left you, you were the most romantic man I knew. Are you sure you aren’t just bitter from her, and that’s what is making you so violently against any kind of relationship?”

“Ugh,” he said, sighing. “Maybe you’re right. The honest truth is, I’ve been trying desperately to play up the fact that I was so damn happy to be free of married life, but I’m fucking miserable. I miss her all the time, and I yearn to have that connection with another woman. Just maybe one who likes my dick a little bit more.”

“See? You don’t need to fake around me.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry. Look, if you’re actually interested in something serious and long term with Ella, then I think you should go for it and make yourself, and her, happy. There is no question how she feels about you deep down, and on top of all of that, you told me she absolutely loves Avery to pieces. It’s going to be hard to top her. Trust me, I know. I’ve been trying.”

“I just have to figure out how to sit down and talk to her, tell her how I really feel about her,” I said. “Every time I try, I just end up in bed with her before I can tell her anything.”

“Do it in public,” he said. “I mean, if you take her to a public place, there’s much less of a chance of it turning into a sexual encounter. You’ll be forced to sit in front of each other in a civilized manner and really get out what you want to say. On top of that, there’s less of a chance she will get outwardly angry with you.”

As soon as he said a public place, visions of me fucking her against the wall in the restaurant bathroom filled my mind. After that, visions of her telling me off in the same bathroom followed them. Public places weren’t necessarily the safest for us, especially with the kind of lust and passion that vibrated between us before our brains could comprehend what was going on. But he was right. It may not have been foolproof, but it was definitely better than having her at the apartment where I was absolutely sure I would end up all over her. Then, before I knew it, she would be running away and I still wouldn’t have told her how I truly feel.

“You’re right,” I said. “Maybe a public place would be better—if she’ll come out with me that is. Thanks for talking to me about this. I’ve kind of been all alone in it, and I knew you were going through this woman-hater phase. I didn’t want to disappoint you.”

“Disappoint me?”

“Yeah. Make you realize that not all women are the devil.” I chuckled. “You were having the most spectacular breakdown, and who am I to ruin that?”

“And yet here you are, filling my head with love and hearts,” he said sarcastically. “I blame you for my future demise.”

“I accept that fault,” I said, smiling.